Page 6 | AIBU not to want DSD to come to dinner on my day off ?

Glitterbaba · 2022-10-02T19:34:37+00:00

Feel awful saying this and know I’ll get some flack . I have a DSD who I love . She is sassy and fun and comes over Friday nights and most weekends . She is getting older so doesn’t come as much . I work 4 - 10 hour days so I can have one day off in the week with DS 10 months. DSD wants to come for dinner on my day off. This means she will arrive at 3pm and then stay until 10pm. My DH will be at work but he works from home. He finishes around 4.45pm. I feel so bad but I wish she would come on a day: days when I’m at work ( I get home at 6.30) . This Way I could just chill on my day off. DSD is lovely but I’d love to just be able to have a date night with DH that night or slop around . I know DH will say - make sure your back by 3.30pm as DSD will be here by 3 . Itwill be me entertaining ! We have a good bond and we usually watch films/ cook together and have fun . But I feel it is me that entertains . Like most teenagers , DSD controls tv, demands a certain dinner and will want full attention to show us dances and hold court about school. I feel so bad but I just would rather have no one come over on my day off ! We had DSD over today and it was great . It’s not that I don’t love her but as I said- I’d rather she came on an eve I had work so I could keep my one day off chilled . AIBU????

xippo · 02/10/2022 21:34

she's old enough to be by herself at yours on weds, go out with your baby. you need to say you want a minute, she thinks you like being barraged!

goodnighthunny · 02/10/2022 21:34

Yet another thread demonstrating why blended families are so hard. There are no right and wrong answers, but I chose to remain single post divorce for a good reason. There is no way I'd have dated a man with dependent children, never mind married one.

FurAndFeathers · 02/10/2022 21:34

TheLassWiADelicateAir · 02/10/2022 21:31

I think it's absolutely revolting that the OP wants to dictate when her husband's daughter can visit what is , after all, still a home for the step-daughter.

It has damn all to do with "internalised misogyny"

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Sorry I missed the part where OP was dictating to her husband when his child could visit.

vould you reference the post please?

Shinyandnew1 · 02/10/2022 21:35

DSD wants to come for dinner on my day off

Can’t you just reply and say that eg Tuesday works better for you?

Noteverybodylives · 02/10/2022 21:35

Would you not have all day with just you and your child?

So it doesn’t really impact that.

And you can have time with DH on any of the other evenings.

Original poster

Glitterbaba · 02/10/2022 21:36

ElectronicAd7737 · 02/10/2022 21:26

It's his child. He doesn't get to hide. He should be doing the bulk of the entertaining.

No household I have ever encountered let's a teen control the remote or determine meals. They can have input but what you have created is an unhealthy relationship and parenting dynamic by being a pushover.

I just want to say - I met DH 5 years ago . DSD was 9. She already ordered DH about. i said to DH it wasn’t healthy and I worried DsD came across as spoilt! He said she just knew what she wanted !!!!!!

It’s still the same . She demands takeaways , what she wants to eat . She has always been the boss here and I have just gone along with it. But I wouldn’t say I created it .

I’ve said that there is no way my DS will be brought up in that manor and I will not allow it . That I’m worried as Now my son is getting older he will think this behavior is acceptable.

I have told DH I’m worried he will he copy . So we no longer eat takeaways whilst DH is here and she no longer rules the tv after 8pm. But she still will only eat steak or prawns!!!!!

OP posts:

TakeMeToBeach · 02/10/2022 21:36

Has she got a nice bedroom at yours, with her own TV in it?

My young teenager likes to connect with me when she gets home from school. But, she has that half hour or so where we sit in the kitchen and have a chat about her day, talk about the homework she has etc, the she goes off and gets changed/does homework/chats to friends on phone/catches up on tv shows that she likes to watch etc

She also visits friends locally or has friends here, or gets dropped off to youth club or sports clubs. We do have family film nights and things but not every weekend.

Does your DSD have any friends that can come over ? Then they can hang out together. It’s not usual to entertain a teenager or for them to want adult company all the time.

Or, her dad can take her out. Out for dinner somewhere/swimming/bowling/cinema… She won’t want to spend time with him forever so he should make the most of it now.

Rewis · 02/10/2022 21:36

Let's forget about the step aspect for a bit. Kid comes home from school. Tells the people around the house their school day. Prepares a snack, does homework, watches some TV and then the family has dinner. It is also totally normal for the parents to do their own thing. Do chore, run errands, take younger siblings to park, see friends etc.

I don't really understand why the teenager needs so much entertaining. You shouldn't stop her from coming to her home. But your home should be treated like a home and not like she is a guest.

TheLassWiADelicateAir · 02/10/2022 21:37

FurAndFeathers · 02/10/2022 21:31

Yes because god forbid she should expect a father to actually parent his own offspring.

are you posting from the 1950s?

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No, I haven't been a step child but I'm just trying to imagine what it would feel like to be told you can't go to your own home because it doesn't suit your step- mother.

The OP knew perfectly well her husband already had a family. OP could try behaving like an adult and imagine what her step daughter might be feeling- oh talking about "date nights" is cringe-making.

ThereIbledit · 02/10/2022 21:38

I'm glad you realise you have a DH problem.

Just don’t know how to deal with saying to DSD - okay now I need time to chill.

Try telling him to arrange an activity for dad and daughter to do of an evening - it can be as simple as watch a film at home, go bowling, plan and cook dinner and/or bake a cake. Make it clear that you will be elsewhere doing something just you (and the baby perhaps) for a couple of hours - maybe out at a coffee shop, having a walk with a friend or upstairs having a quiet bath night to yourself/doing yoga/whatever. Tell DSD "Your dad's going to do something nice with you until 8pm, I need to have some quiet time alone so remember both of you, unless the house is burning down NO disturbing me!! I'll join you at 8 o'clock for dinner/the cookies you made and tea/whatever and I want to hear all about [thing she likes on tiktok or that you know happened at school this week] when I come back, okay?" [Insert quick hug, kiss or hair ruffle as you do this]. Or do it the opposite way around if you feel an hour with her earlier then leaving her to her dad later would work better - but set a reminder on your phone and interrupt whatever is going on with apologies and tell her to go find her dad because as you said earlier it's his time with her now and you're off to do [thing] alone now.

It's absolutely possible to achieve this and for your DSD to still feel perfectly well loved and welcome. xx

Original poster

Glitterbaba · 02/10/2022 21:38

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/10/2022 21:32

Keep working through things in counselling. You can’t heal the child you were upset by your step parents by running yourself into the ground for your spoilt DSD.

It’s not too late to change but you’ll have to work at it, develop some boundaries and stick to them. Your son will take up more and more energy as he gets older and you need space to give him that. No 13 year old needs this much pandering, it’s not doing her any favours at all. I highly doubt her mum entertains her every minute she’s at home or makes meals to her demands, her dad certainly doesn’t, why the fuck would you?!

No. Stop all of it.

You have to consider what you need, what your son needs, at least as much as what DH and DSD might want. No one’s going to put the two of you first but you.

Do you want him growing up in the shadow of an overly indulged teenager you never say no to? Do you want him missing out because you’re crippled by guilt about her parents being divorced? None of this is his fault! Most of it isn’t yours either but do take a moment to look at your own motives and what you want to achieve. You can’t do anything about your own childhood, you can’t compensate for any difficulties in hers.

You can love her and care for her and say no. It’s parenting. Not easy but necessary.

My own blended family isn’t perfect, no one’s is. But my DSC are members of this family unit, part of this home, and not special guests. Everyone gets their favourite meals some nights, other nights they get on with it anyway. Everyone has jobs. We spend the time they’re here doing normal stuff. By not being treated as special they have a great relationship with their sister and treat this home respectfully and with consideration. No one here exists to entertain anyone else!

Thank you so much for writing this . It is so true.

OP posts:

errnerrcallnernnernnern · 02/10/2022 21:39

@TheLassWiADelicateAir is 💯being toast now. Ignore her, OP.

errnerrcallnernnernnern · 02/10/2022 21:39

Toast? Goady 😂

TheLassWiADelicateAir · 02/10/2022 21:40

Rewis · 02/10/2022 21:36

Let's forget about the step aspect for a bit. Kid comes home from school. Tells the people around the house their school day. Prepares a snack, does homework, watches some TV and then the family has dinner. It is also totally normal for the parents to do their own thing. Do chore, run errands, take younger siblings to park, see friends etc.

I don't really understand why the teenager needs so much entertaining. You shouldn't stop her from coming to her home. But your home should be treated like a home and not like she is a guest.

That's so on point.

I suspect the OP is rather over- playing how much "entertaining" she has to do. It should be perfectly normal for her step daughter to come into her father's and her own home.

ThereIbledit · 02/10/2022 21:40

Oh and if he is deliberately shit and "doesn't know what to do with her" or doesn't arrange anything, DO NOT be the saviour. Suggest once that he asks her what she would like to do just him and her, but if he doesn't sort something go and do your private thing anyway. If you leave him to it he will simply have to.

FurAndFeathers · 02/10/2022 21:40

TheLassWiADelicateAir · 02/10/2022 21:37

No, I haven't been a step child but I'm just trying to imagine what it would feel like to be told you can't go to your own home because it doesn't suit your step- mother.

The OP knew perfectly well her husband already had a family. OP could try behaving like an adult and imagine what her step daughter might be feeling- oh talking about "date nights" is cringe-making.

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Again @TheLassWiADelicateAir
coukd you please signpost to where OP has dictated that SD is not welcome to visit her father or where the DSD has been told she can’t visit her father because it doesn’t suit her step mother.

you currently seem to be imagining a lot of non-existent scenarios in order to self-justify being incredibly unpleasant on the internet.

nice 🙄

properdoughnut · 02/10/2022 21:40

TheLassWiADelicateAir · 02/10/2022 21:37

No, I haven't been a step child but I'm just trying to imagine what it would feel like to be told you can't go to your own home because it doesn't suit your step- mother.

The OP knew perfectly well her husband already had a family. OP could try behaving like an adult and imagine what her step daughter might be feeling- oh talking about "date nights" is cringe-making.

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No its not because of the step mother its becuase dad isn't there.

pandy2 · 02/10/2022 21:41

Rarely vote this way in these type of threads but yanbu. It sounds annoying and if she's with her dad other evenings and weekends it's not essential she comes and hangs out with you, her SM, another day.

Shiningstarr · 02/10/2022 21:41

But she still will only eat steak or prawns.

Pardon??? Who is buying these steaks and prawns??? Why are you pandering to her??

Are you a doormat?

TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination · 02/10/2022 21:41

Noteverybodylives · 02/10/2022 21:33

I voted YABU as it is a one off and as she doesn’t come around as often you can have a date night etc on a different day.

I think at this age it’s good to encourage her coming around and enjoying your company as it won’t last.

It's NOT'a one off, it's EVERY Wednesday, the OP's only day off without work or DSD.

properdoughnut · 02/10/2022 21:45

Shes old enough to know cost of living means no steak and prawns.

TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination · 02/10/2022 21:47

ThereIbledit · 02/10/2022 21:38

I'm glad you realise you have a DH problem.

Just don’t know how to deal with saying to DSD - okay now I need time to chill.

Try telling him to arrange an activity for dad and daughter to do of an evening - it can be as simple as watch a film at home, go bowling, plan and cook dinner and/or bake a cake. Make it clear that you will be elsewhere doing something just you (and the baby perhaps) for a couple of hours - maybe out at a coffee shop, having a walk with a friend or upstairs having a quiet bath night to yourself/doing yoga/whatever. Tell DSD "Your dad's going to do something nice with you until 8pm, I need to have some quiet time alone so remember both of you, unless the house is burning down NO disturbing me!! I'll join you at 8 o'clock for dinner/the cookies you made and tea/whatever and I want to hear all about [thing she likes on tiktok or that you know happened at school this week] when I come back, okay?" [Insert quick hug, kiss or hair ruffle as you do this]. Or do it the opposite way around if you feel an hour with her earlier then leaving her to her dad later would work better - but set a reminder on your phone and interrupt whatever is going on with apologies and tell her to go find her dad because as you said earlier it's his time with her now and you're off to do [thing] alone now.

It's absolutely possible to achieve this and for your DSD to still feel perfectly well loved and welcome. xx

It's also perfectly possible to tell a teenager 'No' She can come any other night, but Wednesday.

Original poster

Glitterbaba · 02/10/2022 21:47

TheLassWiADelicateAir · 02/10/2022 21:37

No, I haven't been a step child but I'm just trying to imagine what it would feel like to be told you can't go to your own home because it doesn't suit your step- mother.

The OP knew perfectly well her husband already had a family. OP could try behaving like an adult and imagine what her step daughter might be feeling- oh talking about "date nights" is cringe-making.

Show quote history

I’ve been a step child . My mum and dad both remarried . Hence why I engage with DSD and don’t go to another room and watch Netflix . Why I take her to swimming on a Saturday morning when I could lay in . Why I listen to her and love her visits every weekend .I love her so I wash her clothes , ensure that I use my money to buy her things, we love her and I parent all weekend . Whilst my husband hides . I don’t tell her to go play on her iPhone or iPad. I listen and I do homework with her .

i am saying I am a human and I’m exhausted. I work 40 hours in 4 days and do all the house work like a lot of people and I look after baby . I am just saying I’d love to have the one day off a week without entertaining .

and truth be told - if I could send my son somewhere on that evening too i would. I’d love to see my husband too and actually Have some time as normally when I get some at 6 I am exhausted. So there is my son story ! I’m a human.

OP posts:

Original poster

Glitterbaba · 02/10/2022 21:49

@TheLassWiADelicateAir
DSd wants to come on a Wednesday as she knows I’ll be there to entertain her . She doesn’t want to be with DH !!!

im not telling her she can’t come - I’d just prefer she came on a different night . She comes Friday , Saturday and Sunday .

god forbid she came Tuesday not Wednesday

OP posts:

Rinatinabina · 02/10/2022 21:50

Going to be honest here, I die a little inside when a child says “let me show you this dance” (I know I’m an asshole). She’s there to see her dad, tell him you’ll be out and go out. You shouldn’t have to, but if you are in the house he’ll find some way of avoiding his own DD.

It’s quite hard OP, you guys have obviously built an exhausting dynamic over a few years and I’m sure on your part it came from a good place of wanting a good relationship with her. It’s time to slowly make a bit of space here. You can come home for when dinner is ready and eat with them.