AIBU not to want DSD to come to dinner on my day off ?

[Glitterbaba]

Feel awful saying this and know I’ll get some flack .

I have a DSD who I love . She is sassy and fun and comes over Friday nights and most weekends . She is getting older so doesn’t come as much .

I work 4 - 10 hour days so I can have one day off in the week with DS 10 months.

DSD wants to come for dinner on my day off. This means she will arrive at 3pm and then stay until 10pm. My DH will be at work but he works from home. He finishes around 4.45pm.

I feel so bad but I wish she would come on a day: days when I’m at work ( I get home at 6.30) . This Way I could just chill on my day off. DSD is lovely but I’d love to just be able to have a date night with DH that night or slop around .

I know DH will say - make sure your back by 3.30pm as DSD will be here by 3 . Itwill be me entertaining ! We have a good bond and we usually watch films/ cook together and have fun . But I feel it is me that entertains .

Like most teenagers , DSD controls tv, demands a certain dinner and will want full attention to show us dances and hold court about school.

I feel so bad but I just would rather have no one come over on my day off ! We had DSD over today and it was great . It’s not that I don’t love her but as I said- I’d rather she came on an eve I had work so I could keep my one day off chilled .

AIBU????

It's so strange. Someone had this exact issue last week - a step-mum who didn't want to spend their day off with their DSD.

I would have words with your DH and at least start a routine where they go out for tea, just the two of them. Alternatively change her visiting day so that he steps up.

You are lovely op
but WHY is her father not (at the very least) taking her swimming Saturday mornings and sorting her clothes.

the steak and prawns is a total joke

By all means your DSD should be able to come any time but she cannot expect the household to stand on ceremony for her - that is not how families work. A teenager has many wants (don't we all?... I have a long list if anyone wants to hear it 😂) but it's up to adults to help them understand that they can't always expect instant gratification. My teenage DD understands:

1. She eats what I am cooking... I'm not running a restaurant.
2. If I'm busy / have stuff to do / working / tired / irritable then now is not the time to tell me about her day or show me videos of her and friends / the latest dance / <insert whatever the latest teenage fad is>
3. She can't always choose what we watch.

DD is more than capable of entertaining herself, cooking a meal, jez entertaining a 10 month old as well... She changed her half siblings nappies to help out when she was 7!

Cut yourself some slack OP. Teaching girls boundaries is so important, and it starts with modelling them :-) If this isn't going to work out, best say it now. You are part of the family too.

Tell her you need to work from home (online course) on Wednesdays. you are doing too much.

Yanbu to want a day off but seriously why are you doing all this ? Yes you love her and want to look after her, but you need to find time to yourself too.
i can see how it’s easiest for you to see your day off as just that but frankly you need to tell her to sort herself out for some of the weekends too. My own children don’t get the amount of attention your dsd does from you! Of course we talk to ours, help with homework, take them out to activities, do family days out and film nights in, but at weekends they do a fair amount of pottering around just doing their own thing too! I feel you’ve enabled the whole situation and need to speak up a bit and get a bit of the weekend back to yourself, even if it’s just to do some chores or the weekly shop in peace!

You absolutely need time off, and you work very hard to get that time. YANBU. Your DH is tho, and he's not pulling his weight on many levels. He's not helping with the housework and he's not parenting his own DC. As soon as he's finished work and he's hiding, go fetch him. Keep doing it. Errr DH where are you going? Your DD is showing you something etc. Text him if he's pooing on the loo for over 30 min. Sorry, but no it's not all up to you. If he can't see it, point it out to him.

You are letting your guilt and fear at being a crap step-mum override your very real needs.

It needs sorting.

As of now your DH does the swim run. It's ridiculous you are carrying all the mental load and work of his DD whilst he does fuck all. He's lazy.

His daughter - he entertains. This full stop.

OK I don't have step kids - but this is how I raised my DD

1 Teenagers - only have 'control' of the TV until 9 and then its my choice

2 Teenagers - get to eat the food they are given, unless they cook it themselves
3 Teenagers - holding court - only until 9pm, see 2

I’m a human

You’re a mug

Hole up in your room and say you are a little off colour - get in a bowl of snacks and watch your own movies.

You do not having to entertain her. It’s our day off.

Only eats steak and prawns!!! That would be a no in my house. Nice occasionally but not all the time.

Having been a step-child myself, who didn’t feel particularly welcome in my Dad’s home, I can understand you are trying to over-compensate. But none of this is the normal way of parenting a teenager.

I think you need to have an honest talk to your DH as he seems to have a different parenting style to you.

Your DSD needs to learn to entertain herself. Does she have a nice room with books, iPad, hobbies?

When my DCs get in from a school and I get in from work, they sometimes want to tell me about their day and we’ll chat for a while while I have a cuppa. Then I’ll say ‘ok I need to get on with XYZ now’ and they’ll go off and do their own things, until dinner time when we all sit at the table and chat again about everyone’s days. I don’t have time to watch films or TikTok with them!! So you need to set firmer boundaries.

However, I also do think your DSD should feel comfortable and welcome in her Dad’s home.

Thank you so much for the replies .

As stated I have issues with boundaries which I’m seeking help for .

I need to implement boundaries with DH and DSD.

Step families are so hard for all players . I don’t think I realized but I think I’m struggling at the moment .

I know trying to be all things to all people isn’t going to work .

I love DH but right now it’s strained and I feel very sad .

im off to bed . Good night all x

Christ on a bike, your husband's got the life of Riley!

He gets to lounge around while you bring in a full-time income, you act as nanny to both his children so he does bugger all hands-on parenting, and you do all the cooking, cleaning and laundry!

Yes, step-parenting involves interacting with your SC, but not so that the actual parent can sit on his arse all day!

I'd be out on Wednesday afternoons- not because you should avoid your SD, but because she deserves to have her own father's time and attention. He needs to step up.

And who can afford steak and prawns several nights a week? She's in her home, not an honoured visiting great-aunt, so has whatever's on the weekly rota.

Stop being a martyr to a lazy husband/ father.

Why on earth do you tolerate this? And do all the cooking and cleaning? People are asking, but you don’t seem to want to respond.

Why do you need to entertain a teen surely she can entertain herself or the baby for that matter.

Why can’t you speak up though and put some boundaries in place?

I have a 9 year old who is equally annoying and would do nothing but talk to me constantly if I let her. I don’t. I say, you need to go off and entertain yourself, ride your bike, watch tv, do some homework.

If I’m busy with younger ds, I tell Dh who is working from home to sort her out. He either tells her to entertain herself or he finishes work early and does something with her. She is my biological child, but I’m not entertainment.

It sounds like your DSD is starved for attention from her dad and you’re just putting a plaster on it to allow him to not engage as much as he wants to. Most of us work FT. We still find time to be with our dc and when we’re busy, they sort themselves out. Even my 4 year old can do that while I get on with things.

*AnyFucker · Today 21:07
You have internalised misogyny I am afraid. You seem to think it’s a female’s job to do this stuff. It really isn’t.

What utter rubbish. Yes, I do it all in a mini skirt and heels!*

Don't dismiss what Anyfucker has said. Really.

You are picking up the responsibilities of this young woman's father.

You most certainly have a DH problem which you will have to sort out if you want to have some down time.

It's lovely she trusts you, but don't get sucked into the vacuum your husband is leaving. He should be taking her swimming, buying her clothes, spending time with her.

You should be focusing your time on your son

Go out. Stop doing everything. Your DH has found himself a right mug.

To those saying this is what you signed up for. Bloody joke. Don't be so silly. Her FATHER should be interacting with her. Being a step parent doesn't mean all the cooking/cleaning/homework/entertaining falls to you.

I would have real trouble staying with a father who hides from his daughter.

Keep your day off! Maybe plan an activity so you don’t have to be home by 3.30 - gym class or similar? And then just say ‘sorry Weds don’t work for me’ but I’d love to have you over any other day x’

Have you thought this may be as she wants to spend time
With her sibling -
I am assuming from
Your thread that your dc is her sibling?? They are only 10
Months old so she will be bonding etc how lovely and should b something to be encouraged.
Does
She have any other siblings?

And her husband chose to marry someone without a child. It's his responsibility to take care of his children.

This is not her fault, it's not your fault. It's her lazy disengaged father's fault. He gives her what she wants so he doesn't have to give her his time. It's very sad.
That's the battle to have OP , because if her father stepped up and actually gave her his attention she wouldn't be coming to you constantly. So it's not when she's there or not, it's what he is doing around the house and to patent and spend time with both of his children.
FWIW you sound like a lovely step mum.

God love you OP.

You really have chosen poorly.

Shit lazy husband, shit lazy father.

Leaves it all to you.

You are totally worn out.

Your life sounds truly awful and exhausting.

You are hugely patient.

I would be looking at leaving.

It would be much easier than living with that waster.

Have you any family you could visit to take a break from the sheer relentlessness of your life.

Whatever you do don't have another child with him.

He does nothing for anyone and he certainly doesn't look after you.

Glad to read you are in counselling.
Hope it helps you see him and your situation clearly.

You are being used.

Mind yourself.

I think it is perfectly reasonable to tell DSD to come on another night.

You're not saying an outright no, you're reaching a compromise.

It is perfectly reasonable to want to keep your day off free from to spend time with your ds, and also to run errands, catch up with friends and family, have a date night, have some "down time", and whatever else needs to happen on any particular week.

At the same time, I would not be entertain a 13yr old continuously from her arrival until 10pm, whatever night of the week it is that she comes. Nor would it be steak or prawns every time. Does her mother do all that every night?

Yes, the home of her father, should also feel like her home, too. But that means she can also occupy herself for some of the time, as she would (presumably) have to at her mother's house, too.

And wouldn't she have some homework too? That would take up some time, too.

When she comes, you need to carry on with what you need to do and not stop everything for her. And your dh needs to step up here, too and not "hide while [you] entertain". Her following you around the house is daft.

And don't allow her to "hog". In a family, there should be compromise and some give and take, not one person holding court and determining all the entertainment and food.