AIBU not to want DSD to come to dinner on my day off ?

[Glitterbaba]

Feel awful saying this and know I’ll get some flack .

I have a DSD who I love . She is sassy and fun and comes over Friday nights and most weekends . She is getting older so doesn’t come as much .

I work 4 - 10 hour days so I can have one day off in the week with DS 10 months.

DSD wants to come for dinner on my day off. This means she will arrive at 3pm and then stay until 10pm. My DH will be at work but he works from home. He finishes around 4.45pm.

I feel so bad but I wish she would come on a day: days when I’m at work ( I get home at 6.30) . This Way I could just chill on my day off. DSD is lovely but I’d love to just be able to have a date night with DH that night or slop around .

I know DH will say - make sure your back by 3.30pm as DSD will be here by 3 . Itwill be me entertaining ! We have a good bond and we usually watch films/ cook together and have fun . But I feel it is me that entertains .

Like most teenagers , DSD controls tv, demands a certain dinner and will want full attention to show us dances and hold court about school.

I feel so bad but I just would rather have no one come over on my day off ! We had DSD over today and it was great . It’s not that I don’t love her but as I said- I’d rather she came on an eve I had work so I could keep my one day off chilled .

AIBU????

It's so difficult, I understand your need to just chill with you DS and have a day to yourself, but equally it’s lovely that you DSD is so relaxed with you. When she turns up could you just say you’re having a relaxing day and watch a film together. DH can sort dinner out. It won’t be that further in the future and she won’t want to spend time with you all, also it’s great bonding time for her and your DS, it could have gone down a very different route of jealousy. How about a compromise and one day a month she helps DH with DS and you go out on your own 😊

You need to drop the guilt and set boundaries.

"I need some quiet time now DSD go chat to your Dad"

DC need to learn that you have limits and needs.

YANBU OP. This is all very convenient for DH, you’re effectively parenting his child whilst he does fuck all.

Why isn’t he cooking and cleaning? Why can’t he take her out if he doesn’t want to watch TikTok videos?

He’s checked out and DSD has turned to you. You need to make some serious changes.

If a woman came on and said her new partner wouldn't let her child come over an extra evening because he wanted to be alone in the house with the new child, she'd be told to kick him to the kerb. Presumably then DP should be Ltb'ing if she tries to stop his daughter coming to their home.

To everyone saying it’s only from 3.00-4.45 ; it isn’t ! Because DH will hide whilst I entertain .

Yes it's absolutely a DH problem you have become the primary parent over him.

What's her relationship like with her Mum? Seeing as she spends every weekend at your house? I just wonder why she's desperate for attention from you (which I can see that's tough - but what a compliment!)

Yes! This! I would often say - that's nice, why dont you show your dad while I'm busy etc.

She's NOT BU

Is she looking for something from you that she doesn't get from her mother ?

Why are you letting him get away with this? Don’t be so passive! He needs to parent his own child.

Honestly OP you need to use your words and enforce some boundaries.

no parent is at the beck and call of a teenager as their captive audience all weekend. It seems DSD’s own parents certainly aren’t. Why are you matyring yourself for a 13 year old?

tell her you’re busy/have other stuff to do/need some time to relax/be quiet/do whatever the fuck you want. Tell her to do her homework/watch to/go tell her dad about it.

stop living as a one woman courtier to a 13 year old and tell your DH to step up and show some interest in his child. If he doesn’t understand her interests he needs to make more of an effort to actually get to know his daughter. I suspect you aren’t super interested in the YouTube videos of 13 year olds either, but you make it work because you give a shit. Why doesn’t he?

she’s there to spend quality time with him, he is her parent. Otherwise why bother with contact at all?
you aren’t an unpaid entertainer, or a substitute for a disinterested father

Like most teenagers , DSD controls tv, demands a certain dinner and will want full attention to show us dances and hold court about school.

Nope. I’ve got teen DSC and neither DH nor I would tolerate this. 5 people live in this house either full time or part time and no one demands dinners or hogs the telly. That’s ridiculous.

YANBU to be put out by this request but you’re an absolute mug to have got into this farce of a dynamic. It’s not compulsory or inevitable to have a teen ruling the roost and her parent absolving himself of responsibility for her behaviour.

Step back now and if someone insists on pandering to her it can be her father.

I know and I get that. But it sounds like the only way to get through to DH that his child is not her problem is to be not there.

She’s getting the step-mum guilt of over-compensating.

What does he say when you have raised this with him? It's unacceptable of him to essentially dump his child on you.

Well it's technically her home too given that her father lives there so not sure you can ban her. If my DH said my DCs couldn't come to our house, I'd divorce him.

But you make her sound like a 6 year old having to be entertained, watch her dancing or do stuff with her plus having to make special food. Surely she can entertain herself, be on her phone, watch Netflix on an iPad or just potter whilst you get on with your day. And she can make toast and cereal for snacks herself, surely if she's hungry until your planned tea is ready. I also don't like the suggestion that you read in your bedroom to get away from her which is just mean spirited. I think you are making far too much of a fuss over a non event really.

Why are you doing housework/ entertaining all weekend and substitute parenting because your DH is hiding from his own child?

honestly, he sounds pretty unpleasant. What does he think contact time is for? Why can’t he be bothered?

why did you decide to have a child with a man so deeply disinterested in his own offspring?

I’d absolutely not let my DS dominate the tv but I suppose it is so awkward as DSD isn’t my child and I know I feel I am extra nice to her as I had awful step parents .

I am a
mug! I am weak . I need to enforce boundaries ! I am having councelling atm for this .

FFS.

DS is A) a baby B) HERS. c) has no other home

none of which DSD is.

the woman wants one bloody day off to spend time with her baby, fo her own thing!

you chose to marry a man with a child

That's hardly helpful.

I finish early on a Friday and wouldn't want my child child coming round. It's the one time I get to myself

I understand op. Sometimes you just like to chill in your own juices for a while, I don't think it's unreasonable to want some 'you' time.

@Fingernails4Cash
DSD gets that all weekend, every weekend!!

The OP JUST wants ONE DAY to spend doing her own thing with her baby. It's why she works 4 long days!!

"Because DH will hide whilst I entertain ."

What a shit Dad.

Yes!! It's hard to adjust isn't it, from being super fun step mum wanting them to feel welcome to step mum an equal member of the family. Don't panic main thing is you're aware something isn't quite right with the dynamic. Good luck with the counselling.

And apologies I hadn't twigged this was an every week arrangement. In which case, no. She visits when he is available.