AIBU not to want DSD to come to dinner on my day off ?

[Glitterbaba]

Feel awful saying this and know I’ll get some flack .

I have a DSD who I love . She is sassy and fun and comes over Friday nights and most weekends . She is getting older so doesn’t come as much .

I work 4 - 10 hour days so I can have one day off in the week with DS 10 months.

DSD wants to come for dinner on my day off. This means she will arrive at 3pm and then stay until 10pm. My DH will be at work but he works from home. He finishes around 4.45pm.

I feel so bad but I wish she would come on a day: days when I’m at work ( I get home at 6.30) . This Way I could just chill on my day off. DSD is lovely but I’d love to just be able to have a date night with DH that night or slop around .

I know DH will say - make sure your back by 3.30pm as DSD will be here by 3 . Itwill be me entertaining ! We have a good bond and we usually watch films/ cook together and have fun . But I feel it is me that entertains .

Like most teenagers , DSD controls tv, demands a certain dinner and will want full attention to show us dances and hold court about school.

I feel so bad but I just would rather have no one come over on my day off ! We had DSD over today and it was great . It’s not that I don’t love her but as I said- I’d rather she came on an eve I had work so I could keep my one day off chilled .

AIBU????

I suppose I feel I am the one who does the entertainment. I feel I am the one who cooks and worries and makes her happy whilst DH lays around

Ah.

You have, as they say, a DH problem.

Make yourself scarce.

She comes on Friday nights and stays . She used to stay Saturday but now often chooses to have a sleep over with friends some weeks. If she has a sleep over we then pick her up on Sunday morning and she stays until Sunday night .

So you have a lovely bond with DSD and spend lots of time with her on a regular basis and tend to all her needs. What does your DH do and why doesn’t he see this as a problem and be working hard to address it?

On Wednesday he needs to start work early, work through lunch and take her out for something fun plus dinner. On weekends you need to be taking a huge step back and ge needs to step up

...and?

shes still allowed her own life. It's her husbands child, he's the one that needs to 'look after her'

@Glitterbaba

YANBU. Tell DH it's not going to happen, she can come another night. It's your one day off, chance for a night together.

if he lets her, HE'LL. have to wirk
iut hiw to 'look after her/entertain her NOT exoect you to do it & he can sort dinner.

Think it's a tricky situation, totally understand your frustration and you're not being unreasonable, but ultimately try and think how she'll feel knowing you don't want her to come round. Could be quite upsetting for her.

You have a husband problem. As usual on these threads

Stop trying to be everything to everybody ? When you got together with your H did you make a big fuss of dsd to impress him ? Because that is the only reason why I can think you have inherited this situation

Yes, step families are family. However, she is ultimately your H’s responsibility but you seem to have shouldered it for some reason

YANBU, it’s important sometimes to have some time to just flop and switch off. DSD being around means you have to be ‘on’, no matter how little trouble she is.

He loves her ! Of course he chats and cuddles but he doesn’t really get alot of her TikTok / YouTube references. She always says he is ‘not with the times’ .
She just seems to want to talk to me . I don’t mind this all weekend . I won’t lie - I find it tiring . She doesn’t seem to just chill. It’s like she needs to be talking to me at all times .

I know I should just say okay well you relax here I have stuff to do but it’s like she doesn’t get it . I always feel bad as I realize she wants to spend time with me and that is so lovely so I feel so guilty .

Why do you think she just has to accept it!!

No she doesn't.

kuds, step or not, don't get to 'say' what's happening. It doesn't suit the adult, she can come another night instead, she doesn't get to trample over the OO's one day off on her own!!

Get a back bone with your DS - tell your DH to either change the day or that he needs to be the entertainment- be out - see friends - take your ds out for tea anything. You are nit the nanny.

Get a back bone with your DSD and stop the domination of family life - this is not normal

You have internalised misogyny I am afraid. You seem to think it’s a female’s job to do this stuff. It really isn’t.

@warmeduppizza yes!!!!I am ‘on’ and it’s exhausting!!!

DSD will be at school,

Noooooo

She’s a teenager, and her dad will be in the house wfh

There’s no need for you to be there at all when she comes round for dinner, or for it to be on your day off. He can break off work for a bit and have a chat, then she can chill in the house until he finishes.

Surely she comes to see him, not to be entertained by you? Nice that you get on but it’s a bonus, not taking away responsibility from him. And what’s all this “make sure you’re home” - that’s not for him to say!

Maybe he can start working 10 hour days the rest of the week to be there for his dd?

It's not the whole day though its a couple of hours and OP can go out? I'm just thinking she's going to get to the age where she can come and go as she pleases soon.

Honestly I think you need to suck this one up, OP. I say that as a step-parent who knows how frustrating it can be when arrangements change. But she is a child, and your home is one of her homes too, and she clearly likes to spend time
with you. Obviously if it is repeated then it would be fair to say no sometimes but as a one off or occasional request it seems reasonable. If your husband is in the house and finishes work at 4.45 that’s only 1hr15min. Can’t see the need for you to be back by a certain time if you have plans though if he is at home anyway.

What utter rubbish. Yes, I do it all in a mini skirt and heels!

Assuming you have a the same day off every week and usually she doesn’t come on that day, yabvvvu.

however I’m not sure your dh is reasonable with the insistence that you’re home to let her in. Enjoy your afternoon and come back when you feel like it.

You don't sound awful at all.

you're allowed your own time & space. Just tell him it's NOT happening!

is that just a blanket response?

But DH doesn't feel bad if he's not "on" all the time. Are you "on" all the time with your own child? I totally get it by the way. When I first met my DSC I felt very similar I think. But no way should you be doing all the housework for them and it's important to build your own life too. It doesn't stop once they are here.

You have a DH problem.

He isn't making any effort because you'll just do it. You're cooking and entertaining and doing Al lthe baby stuff from the sounds of it whilst LIES ABOUT.

Tell him I na few years he'll hardly see her so he needs to do 121 time at least every other weekend and take her and baby out together once a month.

Re the Wednesday, I don't think it's fair to tell her she isn't welcome because you want to be alone with the baby for those extra 2 hours (3-4.45) having been alone all day. It's meant to be her home, not a place she visits when YOU want to see her. However she's 13 not 3. DH is in the house so she's not home alone. If you can't bear to be around her for those two hours it's on you to find something else to do. Then DH can cook you all dinner and actually try and have a relationship with his child.

She plans to come every Wednesday which is my day off. She is wanting to do this as she will want to hang out with me all afternoon. She doesn’t really bother with her dad . That’s why she doesn’t want to come when I’m Out until 6.30.

my husband will be distracted and find things to busy himself while I entertain. I guess it is a DH problem .

Well you say it's rubbish, but you also say you do all the cooking and cleaning while your OH just lies around.

She wants to enjoy her one day off on her own with DS. She doesn't want to have to plan to be out if her own home so DSD can come that night instead if another night.
FGS