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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU help or not.

155 replies

Cantthinkstraught · 02/10/2022 17:31

We are in a diocese house (vicarage)with two adults, one child. The house has four bedrooms and we use two. We have been asked to house someone who is fleeing domestic violence. Its a woman.
There are other people who could do this nearby without kids but they have declined to.
We both work full time but the pressure is on as the higher ups in our parish feel its our duty. I want to help, husband wants to help but I don't feel I have it in me to live with someone who is a complete stranger for an unspecified period someone who will understandably be emotionally scarred and need support as well as everything else. We are told its our Christian duty and as we have free rooms we should but surely there are other ways to help. What would everyone else do...please don't shoot me down.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cantthinkstraught · 02/10/2022 17:34

Thought about offering practical assistance like contacting people for her, helping with housing and benefits applications etc. and being a listening ear etc

OP posts:
SarahSissions · 02/10/2022 17:36

Surely in your position in the community you have a duty to live by example?

Maxaluna · 02/10/2022 17:37

You have a child. The woman is a stranger to you. No, you don't have to do this.

EthicalNonMahogany · 02/10/2022 17:38

If your accommodation is cheaper /nicer because you work for the church then it's sort of your job, no?

NewBootsAndRanty · 02/10/2022 17:40

What @EthicalNonMahogany said.

Worthyornot · 02/10/2022 17:41

I wouldn't want to open my home to this situation so yanbu but if your house belongs to the church or organization then it seems like they are saying you have no choice?

LuckyLil · 02/10/2022 17:43

I suppose there's always a chance she might be entirely capable and not need you to do anything other than provide a roof over her head while she sorts out something more permanent.

CollyWibbleWobbles · 02/10/2022 17:43

SarahSissions · 02/10/2022 17:36

Surely in your position in the community you have a duty to live by example?

And they would by supporting and signposting them to the right people not opening up their home to people who they are not qualified to help
Whoever is pressurising you has no idea
Providing a sanctuary for two nights is one thing but this is different
She may not get the support she really needs if you allow this as she will be out of the loop so to speak
A well ntended can of worms

YellowTreeHouse · 02/10/2022 17:44

YANBU. No is a complete sentence.

If they try to guilt trip you just roll with the broken record technique.

MichelleScarn · 02/10/2022 17:45

Who is going to feed her/general household expenses for her or are they saying you are really only a lodger in the property and have no say who lives there?

diggerdark · 02/10/2022 17:47

No. This is your home, first and foremost. If you're CofE then get the archdeacon into the conversation ASAP.

EL8888 · 02/10/2022 17:50

I would decline. l wouldn’t feel comfortable or want to live with a stranger, especially if you have a child. As others have said who pays her way? Her being there will cost someone -food, heat etc
If they feel the property is too big for you then they can re-house you in a 2 or 3 bed

ArcaneWireless · 02/10/2022 17:53

YANBU.

People do not get to decide what happens in your home.

Stomacharmeleon · 02/10/2022 17:55

If one of you is a vicar then I think you ought to. It kind of comes with the territory.

Original poster
Cantthinkstraught · 02/10/2022 17:55

It's not part of the job no, we were advised not to have strangers living in as it has brought violence, drugs, damage to property and somebodies child was hurt. This was not in this house but examples that the diocese used when we asked this question. This was in the day when people to be able to turn up on the doorstep and expect to be housed, fed, given "alms" if you like.
He doesn't get paid as such he gets a living allowance but we don't pay rent but pay everything else. Again I recognise our privilege and am not complaining. There four other vicars who nearby who this message has gone out to and again I cant comment about their reasons but they are don't have kids. They feel that as I work in a caring profession that I will have the skills to sort everything out for her, which I can try to do certainly but feel that this is a big ask for her to stay. The council will see her as "housed" so she could be here for a prolonged period she isn't priority to them if she is safe. We won't get any help with support financially she understandably has no access to money and we have one wage ( mine) coming in.
Her husband is a drug runner locally, I hear he would do damage if he finds out where she is and came knocking here, she has a history of returning to him and revealing her location.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 02/10/2022 18:02

You have a child to consider. Their safety comes first. Who's expecting you to house her but is accepting a no from everyone else?

EL8888 · 02/10/2022 18:06

Just read your update. It’s more like a no way now from me! Especially with the ex husband info. I love they want to fob giving her support onto you. You aren’t the vicar, your husband is and you have your own life. There’s a vibe of let’s make the Straughts sort it all out 🙄

Willdoitlater · 02/10/2022 18:10

One of you is a vicar/minister and the other doesn't work for the church? Well, the one who is not a church employee has every right to a private family life free from interference. And I agree with the previous poster who says this plan is misguided and if the woman isn't officially in the system she won't get the help she needs. Surely the 'caring profession' you mention will have rules against providing unofficial and uninsured help to people? Maybe use that as a reason why you can't help. You might be risking being disciplined or even struck off!

saraclara · 02/10/2022 18:10

Her husband is a drug runner locally, I hear he would do damage if he finds out where she is and came knocking here, she has a history of returning to him and revealing her location.

Not in a million years would I agree to this. And the risk from him needs spelling it to those who are pressuring you to do this.

Original poster
Cantthinkstraught · 02/10/2022 18:11

People in our Parish and other vicars locally who are saying " oh the vicars wife works in a caring profession so she will be able to cope". Which I can I work with vulnerable people but can come home after a day at work. I do have he skills to help but its different caring for someone in your own home. I know what situations like this can fold out into. When I married my husband a certain amount of " helping" is expected and welcomed. I'm the first person to raise money, do shopping, visit people etc but t feels like this is over stepping a bit.
I think the vicar who forwarded the email to us didn't realise that all the signposting in my direction was on the bottom of the email trail!

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 02/10/2022 18:12

Can you offer emotional support but refuse housing - so say you'll help signpost her to the right places, be a friend she can have a coffee with and talk to, but that unfortunately you're not in a position to offer full time accommodation due to your child's safety being compromised?

MrsMoastyToasty · 02/10/2022 18:13

I would tell them it's a safeguarding issue. However whichever of you is working for the church would be willing to make the necessary referrals to the appropriate agencies
Job done.

Darbs76 · 02/10/2022 18:16

Reading your update absolutely not. I’d just tell the other vicars that you are willing to help and advise but as you have a child to consider and the fact her abuser is a drug dealer you absolutely cannot risk him turning up on your doorstep. That goes above and beyond what people might expect in your husbands role.

Azandme · 02/10/2022 18:20

FIVE vicars, all in rent free housing provided by the church, have all said no to helping a person in need?

Well that confirms my thoughts on organised religion.

"Would you walk by on the other side, when someone called for aid?"

Yep, we would. All of us.

You'd think at least one of you, enjoying the benefits of the free housing, would practice what you preach.

So many people welcoming in refugees - and not one vicar in FIVE will help an abused woman?

Says it all.

user1471457751 · 02/10/2022 18:20

I don't think any of the vicars should take her in. Just because somebody doesn't have children it doesn't mean it's OK to put them in danger. She needs to be helped with securing a place in a shelter, preferably far away from the current location.