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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU help or not.

155 replies

Cantthinkstraught · 02/10/2022 17:31

We are in a diocese house (vicarage)with two adults, one child. The house has four bedrooms and we use two. We have been asked to house someone who is fleeing domestic violence. Its a woman.
There are other people who could do this nearby without kids but they have declined to.
We both work full time but the pressure is on as the higher ups in our parish feel its our duty. I want to help, husband wants to help but I don't feel I have it in me to live with someone who is a complete stranger for an unspecified period someone who will understandably be emotionally scarred and need support as well as everything else. We are told its our Christian duty and as we have free rooms we should but surely there are other ways to help. What would everyone else do...please don't shoot me down.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cantthinkstraught · 02/10/2022 21:17

@Skatewing In think to some extent you are right although I always choose want I want to do, not always popular but always my own choice.

OP posts:
Pansypotter123 · 02/10/2022 21:27

Ahhh, the good old church warden...... they have no authority here whatsoever. Ask them to provide an ecclesiastical basis for making this impossible imposition upon you.

I suspected from reading your previous posts that it would be certain parishioners making these demands. Christian duty applies across the board - there is no hierarchy towards which this duty can be offloaded upwards.

The others in the email chain have voiced reasons for not housing this lady. Your reasons are no less valid.

As others have said, I'd contact the diocesan safeguarding officer for advice and copy in your Archdeacon, Area Dean and Bishop.

Good luck! (PCC secretary here!!)

Original poster
Cantthinkstraught · 02/10/2022 21:31

@Pansypotter123 you will know how difficult church politics can be! It's like a whole different political system and hierarchy isn't it.I could write a book care to co write it:)

OP posts:
FluffySocksAndHotChocolate · 02/10/2022 21:36

Those people who say it's your duty... why aren't they offering their homes or putting a collection together to rehome her?

That's what I would reply back.

Pansypotter123 · 02/10/2022 21:37

@Cantthinkstraught I couldn't agree more! Make sure you put all the reasons people have put forward here for not having the lady staying in your home in any correspondence you enter into. I'm especially thinking about her being taken out of the system, etc.

SavingsThreads · 02/10/2022 21:44

Well, what would Jesus do?

rcat74 · 02/10/2022 21:50

Absolutely don’t do it. Seek legal advice if needs be. You can’t expose your family to the danger. It’s not fair on any of you. It’s not walking by on the other side. It’s being wise. There must be a better solution. Are there any alms houses nearby owned by the church? The C of E owns a lot of property.

SheilaSazs · 02/10/2022 21:57

Shouldn't this be dealt with by professionals in supporting those who have experienced domestic abuse? There's a reason they are trained. I think it's important we recognise when someone else is better suited to help.

Onyellow · 02/10/2022 22:01

It’s not “love thy neighbour as yourself unless it’s difficult and inconvenient.”

And charity isn’t really charity if it comes with zero self-sacrifice. But I’m sure you know that.

I don’t think pointing her towards resources from your gratis four-bedroom house is the kind of personal sacrifice Jesus had in mind.

Maybe point her towards the nearest Sikh gurdwara as they would help her.

billy1966 · 02/10/2022 22:02

Typical, shove it onto the nearest woman to sort out.

Stand your ground.

I wouldn't be putting my home or child at risk and I would push back hard at anyone who asked me to.

This is your husbands career, not yours.

errnerrcallnernnernnern · 02/10/2022 22:10

You'd think at least one of you, enjoying the benefits of the free housing, would practice what you preach.

Is it really free housing? Or is his stipend small to reflect the free housing?

ehb102 · 02/10/2022 22:12

No no no no no! Jesus said an awful lot about not being a doormat. Your child comes first.

Love thy neighbor as thyself also means treat yourself with as much support and respect as your neighbor.
Amazing how good Christian folk are so keen to get someone else to make the sacrifice.

Original poster
Cantthinkstraught · 02/10/2022 22:20

@errnerrcallnernnernnern it is very low and he works very long hour six days a week but feels really fulfilled with it. So although we get housing he gets very little for the hours.

OP posts:
allboysherebutme · 02/10/2022 22:22

I would not do it with children in the house, what if he found out were she was living. No way. X

errnerrcallnernnernnern · 02/10/2022 22:22

Thanks, so not really free housing at all. Your home is your own, I would say no with zero guilt.

Onyellow · 02/10/2022 22:30

Is market rent for a four bedroom house really so very low? In my area that component alone would be more than the UK average salary.

You’ve clearly made your mind up so why even post the thread.

So you’ll let people in need stay in your spare bedrooms, but only if they’re already people you know from the parish, and - in your own words - no additional issues or risk.

Nothing about the modern Church of England is remotely Christian is it.

Original poster
Cantthinkstraught · 02/10/2022 22:38

@Onyellow What would you have me do then?. I hadn't made up my mind just needed to straighten my thoughts. As I said it's not my " job" to do this or even care at all but I do so I will. We are advised by the diocese not to take people we don't know in as we aren't qualified to help and people have been accused of all sorts. Would you be happy placing your child at risk? It's other people in the Parish that are pushing this responsibility on me. I do not get paid by the church, I have a totally separate job.
We are dealing with more complex issues these days than 20 years ago. Please do suggest what you would do in my position?

OP posts:
startfresh · 02/10/2022 22:45

I think you're right. Unfortunately for the woman, your child and his safety must come first. This could invite a whole heap of trouble. Not that it's her fault, but it's not your risk to take.

Funny how people are happy to offer up someone else's home without a thought of the cons side of things.

hotdiggetydog · 02/10/2022 22:46

You are motally and contractually obligated to help.

Onyellow · 02/10/2022 22:49

@Cantthinkstraught Well either she doesn’t really need to be urgently housed, she could easily get to an appropriate shelter, but the church officials are all pushing for someone in the church to take her anyway, in which case they are doing empty virtue signalling (oh it’s our duty in to house her - but not me.)

Or she really does urgently need somewhere to stay or she’s at risk of imminent harm. In which case you take her. Meet her. Lay down the rules - she can’t be in contact with her abuser, she can’t let anyone know your address or it will put your child at risk. If she seems like an entirely untrustworthy person then your husband can find her a shelter and drive her there the next morning. But does she not at least deserve a chance?

Most women it will take many attempts to leave before they actually make it out for good. Maybe this is her “for good”. I can only imagine how she feels if she’s turned for the church for help and is met with ‘no’s.

LivingMyBestLie · 02/10/2022 22:51

Do you live in the vicarage at a subsidised/free rate?

If so, then you absolutely should help. If not you, who? They allow you to live there at a discount because of your faith. Christianity is based on helping those less fortunate. Practice what you preach.

If you pay market value for your house, then I think there's less obligation, although yes, you should help, albeit with firm boundaries given a child also lives in the property.

I would probably stay with the child at night at least initially to make sure it's safe. Ideally I'd want a DBS check or equivalent on the woman to make sure there's no convictions you should be aware of.

Tilllly · 02/10/2022 22:53

Wearing both my work and volunteer hats -

Your Diocesan safeguarding officer would tell you not to take this person in - it's actually a case study in the domestic abuse training in the C of E.

If she is fleeing DA, the police safeguarding team will find her a place of safety

Your husband's role here is to provide pastoral support, that's all.

It's not fair to put you and your husband in this position at all and your PCC needs a plan / policy for if a similar situation occurs (and should already have one under the church safeguarding policy)

Ask yourself, would this woman pass a DBS check? No - then she should not be with your son.
There are agencies out there whose job it is to help this woman, practically and emotionally

CactusFlowers · 02/10/2022 22:57

If her ex is likely to try and find her then it would be a terrible idea to house her locally where her ex can locate her. For her own safety she needs support to find a refuge place outside of the local area.

Keroppi · 02/10/2022 22:58

No, it is dangerous. It could bring damage and stop her accessing benefits - it wouldn't be in her best interests. Perhaps your DH can come at it from that angle too? Seems a bit sexist to use your profession as evidence you will cope, well, yes, you cope as you have boundaries ans this would blur them, impacting on your physical and mental health and your parenting/work abilities.

You work in a caring profession and need home to be a place to relax, prep etc. Perhaps offer temporary sanctuary, for example 3 days, whilst you, dh and others higher up can take her to housing office/job centre/police/womens aid etc whatever to get her housed safely and free from her abuser. Need some sort of interdisciplinary meeting to get her safe and able to rebuild her life free from abuse ASAP

Pansypotter123 · 02/10/2022 23:00

It's not fair to put you and your husband in this position at all and your PCC needs a plan / policy for if a similar situation occurs (and should already have one under the church safeguarding policy)

I agree completely with this. Please enlist the support of your Area Dean etc in formulating this plan and ensure your church wardens and PCC are informed of the reasons for any decision made about the present situation.

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