AIBU help or not.

[Cantthinkstraught]

We are in a diocese house (vicarage)with two adults, one child. The house has four bedrooms and we use two. We have been asked to house someone who is fleeing domestic violence. Its a woman.
There are other people who could do this nearby without kids but they have declined to.
We both work full time but the pressure is on as the higher ups in our parish feel its our duty. I want to help, husband wants to help but I don't feel I have it in me to live with someone who is a complete stranger for an unspecified period someone who will understandably be emotionally scarred and need support as well as everything else. We are told its our Christian duty and as we have free rooms we should but surely there are other ways to help. What would everyone else do...please don't shoot me down.

Also re: putting your child “at risk”. Thousands of people in this country have invited refugees into their homes, people who they don’t know, even when they have children in the house. Some people with strong moral convictions let homeless people etc say in the house with their children. Whereas others would say “no way”. I expect those people who do that sort of thing rationalise it by thinking of the example of human kindness they are setting their child, despite the risk.

If you were a Christian and that way inclined, it might be a good opportunity to explain to your child about helping others in need - people really in need, at inconvenience to yourself, not just Paul and Brenda from down the road because their house sale fell through.

Your husband is the vicar - he should be saying yes (what does he have to say about it?). You must know he’s a hypocrite for saying no, and so are all these other church officials who said no as well.

Friend of mine got sacked as a priest because she housed people who were in need of help. You need to speak to the Diocese

I think the religion is not central to this issue - the other vicars aren't taking her in. I am Christian but have Muslim background - my family's local mosque works with shelter to become a homeless centre of sorts in winter, providing beds and meals, but it is in collaboration with a huge charity and the local council. It all has to check out, risk assessments, dbs etc, a dedicated lead in the council housing team to move rough sleepers onto sheltered accom. I appreciate different with DV but I imagine similar - working closely with local women's shelter, arranging lifts there, providing food and bedding. Not being housed directly, at least in my experience only.

Taking in the needy is against diocese policy - oh that really is brilliant.

And a priest sacked for housing people in need.

If your husband meets Jesus at the pearly gates, he can tell him he didn’t house the needy because it didn’t pass the risk assessment.

He could probably help more people if he quit his job and worked in a private capacity tbh.

@Onyellow why don't you offer to take this woman into your home if you feel this passionately about it?

1. I don’t call myself a Christian
2. I’m not a vicar
3. I don’t live in a church-funded four bedroom house with two bedrooms going empty during a housing crisis
4. I don’t profess to live by Jesus’ teachings while doing the exact opposite
5. I don’t live near this woman and no one has asked me to do this

There are just some reasons. I’m not passionate about people taking strangers onto their home - I just don’t like hypocrisy.

Christians are literally meant to put others before themselves. Vicars obviously most of all. And yet you see far greater examples of selflessness from ordinary people in the community.

I bet if you bunged a post on the local town Facebook group then a dozen kind-hearted non-Christian ordinary people would offer to house this woman (not a practical course of action in the case of someone fleeing domestic violence, but you get what I mean). And probably not a spare bedroom between them, either.

Btw I don’t think it’s OPs issue at all actually. It is her husband’s. Just says something else about the church that this has been delegated to a woman, doesn’t it.

This is crazy. No no no no

i can’t believe people on here expect you to do it!!!

dangerous violent drug dealer? No thank you

tell them it would put you at risk

The assumptions posters have made about this woman - that she’s on benefits, that she’s likely to make false allegations against a vicar, that she wouldn’t pay for her own food - all because she’s a victim domestic violence really are staggering.

So OP is meant to put herself, child, family, the woman in need at risk of serious harm & at disadvantage for housing, professional help & anonymity does she?

Thats not particularly Christian is it?

Her husband is a drug runner locally, I hear he would do damage if he finds out where she is and came knocking here, she has a history of returning to him and revealing her location.

Assisting her locally would be a terrible idea imo.

There is a reason Women’s Aid help people move - the break is often essential for safety and creating a new normal. It’s not going to take long for him to discover she’s in a local vicarage.

Assist her by putting her in touch with the right people - absolutely.
Assist him by keeping her local and easily found - absolutely not.

@Onyellow this isn't about who this woman is, it's about keeping everyone safe. Including people who need help. There are really strict safeguarding procedures to ensure that people needing help aren't abused.

Remember Shipman? Predators are drawn to professions where they can access vulnerable people. Therefore we have guidance in place to make sure that no one takes advantage of the vulnerable, and also that helpers aren't put in danger.

It's basic.

And OP has already demonstrated to her child 'helping others in need'.

Read her posts more carefully! Her child has more need than most to be protected.

There is a right way to help this woman, and it's not by moving her in with the vicar!

PS, the number of scammers my vicars have helped with 'money to get home' 'money for a hotel' etc. it's a constant struggle to know how best to help.

Mine run food banks and community kitchens... if they get suspended for safeguarding investigations (accusations, actual behaviours) then a lot of great work stops.

Bigger picture, OneYellow!

#Onyellow have you missed that the OP's child is adopted from a background of violence and has only just regained childhood 'innocence' - which may be fragile because of its history?

Your hectoring tone to a woman who works professionally to support vulnerable people and to subsidise her husband's doing similar, who volunteers in the community and who needs to protect her child even more than most mothers do - is really unpleasant.

This ^
It is beyond belief that they expect you to risk this, and put your child and yourselves at risk. Are the people suggesting it very naive?

Good idea - offer to put up one of the childless vicars in your spare room so they can give their home up to the woman!

TBH I agree it’s your Christian duty - you’re happy to reap benefits of free housing etc from the diocese but not happy to give back when they ask you to help someone in need?

She needs to go to a womens refuge where they can give tailored support. This sounds like a dangerous idea for your family if there is the possibility of violence from the partner she is fleeing.

No way if she is fleeing violence as I would be too fearful of the associated risks. Speaking from
experience 😢 Can you help her find a place in a refuge until
she can be safely rehoused?

It's not free. My relative is in a similar role and the rent is part of the salary, so is deducted from any pay, which is pitifully low in the first place.

There will always, always be people without a roof over their head. Are you saying that people such as the OP and her DH should never have their home to themselves? That by don't of their role they should have constant complex lodgers that they have to house, feed and counsel every single day?

By dint of their role, even

So OP is meant to put herself, child, family, the woman in need at risk of serious harm & at disadvantage for housing, professional help & anonymity does she?
Except that's all assumptions. They haven't asked to meet, haven't asked for more information, haven't considered agreeing on a trial basis.

OP doesn't want to share her nice comfy home and that's that.

I came to just say, as someone in her situation, please help her. And I wanted to leave it at that.

But, I really am struggling to get past how a vicar wouldn't consider it their duty to help. I don't know if God exists or if Jesus exists. But surely if you believe, then you know its what they would want/expect of you? I was raised a Christian, Christian schools, Christian camps, church schools, the lot. It is very much what I was taught Jesus told people. Like this is exactly what I would expect to read in the bible.
Honestly it's why I completely lost faith, because the people leading the church, the people telling everyone how to behave, don't truly believe. Your words may speak of faith but your actions say something else.

Because it’s dangerous!!! Our first responsibility is to ourselves and our children. We are no use to anyone if we are dead. And we know that the most dangerous time for an abused woman - and the people around her - is when she leaves.

So we just never help anyone even if we literally have a job that pledges to dedicate our lives helping people in unfortunate circumstances?

What a lovely, lovely world we live in

The diocese are handling this situation very badly. Their first response should be to help this woman access a women's refuge, away from the local area, where she can receive professional support from highly trained staff.

The church Warden may want to be seen as a saviour, but they are not helping this woman by finding her a spare room in a vicarage. Her DV and housing situation needs addressing by professionals not kind hearted locals.

If you have a child and she is married to a drug dealer and has a history of revealing her location then no, it's not safe for your child.

I think 'working in a caring profession' is very different to 'supporting someone flee DV' as well

Lastly I think like you say she will have a house and wont be on the high priority for a council house. I know someone in a shelter that still had to wait 18 months for a suitable property and she was one of the highest priority bands.

Surely she needs to go out of area.