AIBU help or not.

[Cantthinkstraught]

We are in a diocese house (vicarage)with two adults, one child. The house has four bedrooms and we use two. We have been asked to house someone who is fleeing domestic violence. Its a woman.
There are other people who could do this nearby without kids but they have declined to.
We both work full time but the pressure is on as the higher ups in our parish feel its our duty. I want to help, husband wants to help but I don't feel I have it in me to live with someone who is a complete stranger for an unspecified period someone who will understandably be emotionally scarred and need support as well as everything else. We are told its our Christian duty and as we have free rooms we should but surely there are other ways to help. What would everyone else do...please don't shoot me down.

I actually don’t think this ‘be selfish and assume the worst of everyone’ attitude, aside from not being very Christian, is doing more damage than good.

OP doesn’t know kf this poor woman will be found, and if she does then call the police that’s what they’re there for. Access support. But don’t go “No not for me, but I’ll help you get benefits” (fat lot of good to someone who is still in a violent controlling household) when you’re supposed to do the exact opposite

If she's known to have a church connection then it's the first place they'll look! The vicars' address is public.

Far better to put her somewhere less obvious.
There are better ways to help.

Again, is a vicar's wife supposed to take on homeless people for her entire life? Because there are homeless people everywhere, so according to your view, as Christians she and her DH should be helping them by always having their home filled with needy strangers.

Someone I know fled DV and a church led organisation came to her rescue. Not by taking her into a priest's home, but by picking her up and taking her to a church led refuge. They then advocated for her with other organisations and social services to fund get a proper, independent roof over her head.

They were wonderful to her. But their help was practical and safe for all parties.

Are there? How? The oodles of safe women’s hostages that are accessible?

Not sure you even know what contractual means, given OP has said they have been advised not to take them in by the diocese.

@Onyellow and @OriginalUsername3 and @LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet

It is our duty to help but there are ways in which his can be done by a professional organisation, like the ones I work with. As I said I am more than happy to help with her finding a safe place but I really don't think the safest option for any of us is to have her live here for a non defined period. Just to confirm that she has been prevented from working by her abuser so has no money currently. I've offered to help fill out the forms etc.
I am sure social workers would be knocking on my door if anything happened to my son due to this. I found out that she has an adult daughter who lives locally who has refused to have her because of the risk that he brings to her young family.
As is often the pattern she has been back too him several times and revealing her location to him how do I know that this time would be different.
My husband, he has suggested he will drive her to wherever she needs to go etc but I feel I can do that as I wouldn't want her to feel any more frightened than she is.
I want to help but she is mistustful of men how could that be a livable situation for any of us?
At what point do you draw a line, we would never be able to go anywhere or have any life if we had a constant train of people in volatile situations living with us. I so this all day in my secular job do I have to live like this with absolutely no separation between home and work?
It's different taking people from a war zone (which we did) from Ukraine where there are no services, to taking someone who is locally connected with all the wrong people.
Please read previous posts my son is adopted from this background so I know how it works and I am employed by a regular employer no the diocese.

@saraclara a vicar’s wife marries into the lifestyle of helping those in need. women fleeing violence are exceptionally vulnerable, it’s massively hypocritical to be in a home that is supposed to help but pick and choose who you do help

Have you bothered to read OP’s post at all before your Monday morning sermonizing?

Except she’s not supposed to house people.

@errnerrcallnernnernnern yes I have read the posts and stand by my belief - the OP isn’t just any random person, she lives the life of a vicar’s wife and for her DH certainly that comes with certain obligations. Not picking and choosing who you help.

Even if it means putting herself & child in harm’s way? How exactly is that helping?

You keep saying OP has been given free housing and has a house that is supposed to help but this is wrong.

She has explained her DH works very long hours for very little pay and that he does the job because it is fulfilling.

When you take that into account, you should seen that the housing isn’t really free at all, it’s just factored into his small stipend.

I am staggered by the sanctimony here.

The op lives in a big house for cheap so we get to offload all our societal responsibility to fund shelter for vulnerable women onto her. Super.

(The house isn't even cheap: they pay with long hours of caring work, but let's enjoy letting our jealousies rampage, what fun!)

There’s always a risk when you take on this helpful lifestyle but there’s no guarantee there will definitely be harm - they aren’t housing a violent person they’re housing a victim FFS.

My colleague is married to our local vicar and they have done similar and even had men coming out of prison stay with them and their children and have risk assessed to ensure the risk is minimised - they’ve never had a bad experience yet. OP could do this with support from local authority and diocese

This is a terrible idea. OP get straight onto the diocesan safeguarding officer this morning and get them to intervene. This must be being suggested by completely naive people with no understanding of domestic violence. This will not help her longterm and it will put your family in danger, including an already vulnerable from abuse child. No, no and no.
It isn't about 'not following Christian moral duty', they aren't turning her away with no help. It's about giving appropriate and safe help that actually, you know, helps, rather than just puts more people (including a child from an abusive background) in danger. Also they have latched onto OP as being the appropriate person to help due to her profession (although she will be out at her profession..). OP does not work for the church.
If her husband is a local drug runner and she has a history of going back to him, best thing would be to get her into a women's aid hostel - your local women's aid will get her into a hostel far enough away to be safe from him.
If she stays with you for more than a night or two, she will be 'out' the system and it will be harder to access the benefits and support she needs to escape permanently.
I would, however, say to the diocesan safeguarding officer that although due to your son you can't risk having her with you, and she needs to get into a refuge so it isnt in her interests to stay more than a night or two, you are more than happy for one of the single vicars to come stay with you so she can have their house (although they are much better positioned to have her stay with them anyway!). And obviously help her access women's aid, council support etc but it sounds like you will do all that.

I have offered our space to any of he vicarsvthat care to use it but no takers!

OP’s child was subject to violence before s/he came to her and she has had to work hard to help them regain their innocence. Telling her ‘there’s no guarantee there will definitely be harm’ is just not bloody good enough.

You would never want this for your child so stop with the virtue signalling.

For any new to the thread who might be distracted by a PPs constant sniping, to summarise the OP:

• is married to a vicar. She is not employed by the church but works in a caring profession so they think she should so this.
• does not get a 'free' house. Her DHs stipend is tiny because they get accommodation.
• is happy to take people in and help and has done before (parish, Ukrainian refugees)
• has an adopted son from a background of violence
• does lots extra in the parish that she doesn't need to eg shopping, supporting vulnerable with form filling. On top of her actual job.
• has offered to help this lady in multiple practical ways that would actually be useful.

She sounds like a bloody saint! And absolutely should not be putting her son in a position where a violent drug dealer turns up at their house looking for his wife, who has a history of revealing her location, and whose own family have refused to take her in because it is too dangerous.

If you can’t find her anywhere else to go then I think she should move in with you,. Could you negotiate a time scale for how long she stays?

Agree completely.

@Cantthinkstraught I don’t think you are at fault (it is your husband’s job, not yours anyway), but I think it’s a sad reflection of the modern Church of England and a sign of how far they’ve strayed from Christian values. Five men of the church passing the buck because no one wants to help this woman. Against diocese policy to help.

Anyone who actually wanted to follow Jesus’ teachings would be far better able to do it from outside the church. This woman has made a sorry mistake turning to the church for help.

I think you’re missing the point. She’s not saying OP has to step in, she’s saying all this Christian preaching is a load of hypocritical bullshit.

So op agrees to let this woman move in then next week the parish says, now this other person needs help, move them in too? And op then has a never ending stream of people in her home?

@Naunet
I'm not missing the point. The OP isn't a preacher. Her husband is, but isn't responsible for the hypocrisies of the whole church. They sound like a thoroughly Christlike couple to me, from my comfy secular vantage point.

Perfectly and clearly put.

The sanctimoniousness on this thread is beyond belief.