AIBU help or not.

[Cantthinkstraught]

We are in a diocese house (vicarage)with two adults, one child. The house has four bedrooms and we use two. We have been asked to house someone who is fleeing domestic violence. Its a woman.
There are other people who could do this nearby without kids but they have declined to.
We both work full time but the pressure is on as the higher ups in our parish feel its our duty. I want to help, husband wants to help but I don't feel I have it in me to live with someone who is a complete stranger for an unspecified period someone who will understandably be emotionally scarred and need support as well as everything else. We are told its our Christian duty and as we have free rooms we should but surely there are other ways to help. What would everyone else do...please don't shoot me down.

Hence why she mentioned the 5 vicars.
You're right though, it’s thoroughly Christlike, which is why I can’t stand religion.

OP had offered to help in many useful ways. She has the professional contacts to find this woman the help she needs from various specialist organisations and to help her with all the form filling etc.

What she is, rightly, reluctant to do, is take her in for an undefined period, when it had been made clear that it is unsafe to do so.

There is more than one kind of help that any of us can give, and OP is already being generous with her time and experience. But she has a vulnerable child in the house.

Clergy here, nope no way. This request crosses huge boundaries in far too many ways. It's ok to ask that someone helps to accommodate this lady, but it's equally ok for you and your family to say no to the request.

Those who are pressuring you are being unreasonable. It's your husband who is ordained not you, as the vicars wife you are entitled to your own life and opinions. Too many congregations see the vicars wife as an unpaid parish worker which is wrong in so many ways.

Help her out in other ways by all means with support groups who probably have far more experience supporting people in similar situations.

Well said @Whakarongamai !

Except she did say OP should step in:

Or she really does urgently need somewhere to stay or she’s at risk of imminent harm. In which case you take her. Meet her. Lay down the rules - she can’t be in contact with her abuser, she can’t let anyone know your address or it will put your child at risk.

Too risky. Housing someone close to where the ex partner is means she’ll be found easily. She will likely be traumatised and need specific help. You have a young child in the house so it makes them vulnerable to violence and other potential problems. If the woman has drug issues too then she will need medical help. There’s no guaranteed end date with no extra financial help. Is it worth speaking to a DV helpline to find out their view on these proposals and your concerns?

I wouldn't take her in as I feel her husband would be a huge risk to the safety of your child. If the other child free vicars feel so strongly about the duty of the clergy to help, then they can take her in. I think you're right to stand your ground.

However, I think if your husband is a 'normal' vicar on a stipend it's disingenuous to describe it as not really being paid and low. The national minimum stipend for a vicar is £25.5k and you have the large rent free house and a good pension scheme. That is better than most people earn as rent or mortgage is a large expense usually. It's common for vicars on the stipend to complain about how paltry they feel it is but it's pretty insulting to parishioners who donate to the church to say it's low. Many parishioners will be on less than that, unless you're at somewhere like HTB of course.

I appreciate he could be a non stipendiary or a house for duty one but I'm assuming that's not the case as they usually have another job or are retired which doesn't sound like the case here.

All those posters slating Christians/churches probably don't have a clue as to the amount they do. I'm atheist and I had no clue at all until I began my retirement work with the vulnerable who have no access to public funds.

Like the woman fleeing domestic violence that I mentioned before, I deal with desperate people regularly, and most aren't local to me. So I have to ring round a huge number of organisations local to them who might be able to step in.

What I've learned is that however well meaning all those organisations are, when the shit his the fan, it's the church/religion backed ones who always step in with the instant help. The others want to help but have waiting lists as long as your arm, and motions available outside Mon to Fri office hours..

I can't count the number of times, in desperation, I've been incredibly thankful for the religious groups who step in, even out of hours, because they seem to have a different level of 'can do' and obligation, as well as resources.

That woman was rescued by such a group at the height of Covid, when barely any organisations even had anyone answering their phones. These people dropped everything, sent their crisis team out to her within an hour of my call and cared for her (NOT in a random person's home) for several months.

I remain an atheist, but I have huge regard for what many religious organisations that I'd never even heard of, are doing in the background.

A lot of preachy, judgy comments here about how doing your Christian duty.

A Christian, a vicar is still a person with individual capacity and circumstances that require wisdom and common sense to apply to a situation. If your husband was single, it wouldn't be appropriate to house her. With a child, with you both out of the house full time, with the violent ex... Of course it's not a duty. Out of compassion, some MAY have the capacity and resilience to house her. You haven't- and that's okay. Say no and offer the help you can.

A lot of preachy, judgy comments here about how doing your Christian duty.

And mainly from atheists.

I’m not Christian but I’m amused by the higher standards being placed on religious people on this thread.

Possibly because they spend a lot of time preaching about said "higher standards".

Has OP preached to anyone? I haven’t seen it.

That wasn't the point you made.

You said "religious people" and the thread is about five vicars all refusing to help - my response was about those vicars -who stand up every Sunday to preach about the "higher standards" you mentioned. Yet they're refusing to walk the walk.

WWJD? If everything I heard from the pulpit in my youth were true - he'd take her in. But no. All five refused. The OP I do understand, not a vicar, has a child. The other four? I can think of maaaany verses from their bible that they're swerving.

Yet they'll preach again Sunday.

can you contact a safeguarding lead for the diocese? It’s not just paperwork or a tickbox. The reason procedures have developed is to prevent unintended bad consequences for everyone including the vulnerable woman.

It doesn’t sound v safe to house her locally - I don’t work in this area, but it would seem sensible to seek expert advice. Are there charities or diocese or social worker professionals who could advise on the best course?

@Azandme and when the accusations of sexual abuse start- some of them inevitably true, some born of misunderstanding, and a tiny number perhaps malicious- where will you stand then? Should single men be housing vulnerable women? Should a married couple (Fred and Rose West)?

Being Christian doesn't mean you are above basic safeguarding.
And God knows, and so do we, that abusers will hide behind the church to abuse, if they can.

Not appropriate given the history, she needs to be in a proper refuge, a safehouse with a hidden location. Not in the house of a local public figure for goodness sake, that's crazy for her and you. Let alone the safeguarding aspect with a young child involved. Whoever is pressuring you to do this has no idea. What is the refuge situation where you are?

im speaking as an atheist here so don't "get" or believe in Christian duty nonsense but as a parent your duty is to protect your child.

Bugger what everyone else thinks, your child physical and emotional safety comes above everything esle.

if they are that bothered why don't they step up and take in strangers and damaged strangers at that (obviously not blaming her)

you don't want to do it end of, that's what you tell people if they get nasty
you are protecting your child from any harm,end of

I think it's all about common sense really. My husband and I will help her and I asked how they can just ignore her need for support. I found out she can't be alone with men so maybe that has gone some way to them being unable to support by offering somewhere in addition to the fear that her husband puts into people.
Anyway we have sought guidance from the diocese safeguarding officer and they have a blanket policy of not having people to stay due to risk of accusations, risk to the person themselves or exploitation and risk to families.
Vicars are people and are not infallible, certainly not perfect nor do any of the ones I know pretend or preach that they are.
Just because you re a religious person doesn't mean its okay to put your child at risk of harm or that you need to share your home with and endless stream if people or where would your personal begin and your work end?
I choose to live this life but I choose to do the things that I do because I want to do as much as I can. Some people in real life and clearly on mumsnet think I'm some extension of my husbands job but I'm not.
My husband works from morning to late at night organising, feeding homeless people, running groups, baptising, visiting Ill people, bereaved people, prison and hospital and burying people so 6.5 days per week he is out and busy. I'm out full time and my son is at school during the day so she can't be alone with men, what do I do stay at home and give up my job so she is not alone?
And my son, what about him he is 7 adopted from a domestic violent drug fuelled family. He didn't know how to play, jumped at every noise and went running for his bedroom any time he heard a male voice. Do all the people who think that I should invite this poor woman into our house think that is acceptable to set him back? There is not a risk assessment in the land that could take that into account is there?
Yes we do have free housing and I don't take it for granted but we pay for everything apart from the "rent" and my husband works upwards of 60 hours pe week over 7 days so I think if you worked it out it would be a low wage. There needs to be some down time. Am I never allowed to take my son out or go on holiday to leave my house unattended. I think people who think we should open our home up to everyone are not living with the reality of what this means in this day and age.
I have offered to help and it will be given willingly but surely people must understand that my son and his safety and wellbeing has to be my highest priority.
She has been offered supported I've offered to pick her up while he is at work and take her to a refuge. She has refused and said she needs to be near her friends locally who have all refused to house her because of him. I found out today that he torched her daughters car! I don't know what else I can do. My husband has started the enquiries about permanent housing for her but she is expecting to stay with us long term so she can be looked after. She is very vulnerable, no drug issues but very frightened. I also found out that she won't leave without the dog! We have said we can provide friendship, transport etc but she won't leave unless she stays local.

How difficult! She's in a tough spot. It may be that this isn't the time she'll successfully leave. If so, that won't be your fault.
She needs to be ready for a big change, to be able to leave, and from what you say I don't t think she is.

This may be the time she gets a bit more sorted in her head ready for next time.

You can't do this, safeguarding policies are there for a reason and are a simple way to say no. I feel very sorry for this woman but she needs to be in a proper shelter - there's a reason their addresses are private and they have security! None of which you have.

It's so hard but just focus on her needs. They can't be met by her moving into your home indefinitely.

I'm sure this has already has been said lots, but I've not read the full thread.

It's absolutely your Christian duty to help her - but you of course should not put your child in danger to do so. You have a duty as a parent, too. There are plenty of ways you can help her without taking her in. You could be a real help to this lady in many, many other ways. I agree that it's not good to take her out of the "system", as this will prevent her receiving more long-term help through the proper channels.

This is what Refuges are for. Womenswear Aid or national domestic abuse helpline can Signpost hee to local organisation which will have access to local refuges. If she has children, children services will also do this.

This is kept time for amateurs. Professionals know what they are doing.

This lady isn't making sensible decisions to "stay local" "because of her friends", as her domestic abuse partner will easily track her down like that & come for her and potentially anyone in the property. It is a stupid risk to take for everyone involved

It's absolutely not your duty to take in a woman fleeing DV who will bring risk to your door which goes double for when you have a child. There's a reason Refuges are in secret locations and people are moved out of the area and why professionals talk about safety plan when leaving

No one should expect this

Signpost her to the professionals

Oh dear some autoincorrect fails!
I meant womens aid not womenswear aid!

And

"This isnt a time for amateurs. Professionals know what they are doing. "

5 people of the church have refused to help her and looked the other way?

Why is that so shocking. I should have known.

Wife of a local drug runner, who won't leave the dog, whose sister's car was torched - potentially recognisable to someone who knows the situation and therefore potentially risky for her?