AIBU help or not.

[Cantthinkstraught]

We are in a diocese house (vicarage)with two adults, one child. The house has four bedrooms and we use two. We have been asked to house someone who is fleeing domestic violence. Its a woman.
There are other people who could do this nearby without kids but they have declined to.
We both work full time but the pressure is on as the higher ups in our parish feel its our duty. I want to help, husband wants to help but I don't feel I have it in me to live with someone who is a complete stranger for an unspecified period someone who will understandably be emotionally scarred and need support as well as everything else. We are told its our Christian duty and as we have free rooms we should but surely there are other ways to help. What would everyone else do...please don't shoot me down.

Her husband is a drug runner locally, I hear he would do damage if he finds out where she is and came knocking here, she has a history of returning to him and revealing her location. then no, not with kids.

As for them signposting them your way I'd be tempted to reply and say you don't work for them. And maybe suggest a women's shelter?

Surely if it's your husband's 'Christian duty' it's also the other vicars' duty too? Why are they able to say no but you aren't? Why are they assuming you'll provide care and support to her when you don't even work for the church? What safeguarding measures have they in place for your child, especially given the woman's husband's lifestyle?
I realise that your husband doesn't have a 'normal' job, however that doesn't mean that your family, particularly your child should be potentially placed at risk.
I'd say no too, and if they push it remind them of their 'Christian duty' to others

Lots of red flags here. This woman is a dv victim, with a local drug runner husband. He will know where she's living within hours. You are risking your own & child's safety. Abuser won't just let her leave, and won't just knock on your door, he'll break the door down at 2 am and terrify you all, that's how DV works. She needs to be relocated if she is to really escape. You must refuse to shelter her.

So basically, because you're the woman, it falls to you to fix it? Not a chance.

I would not want a stranger around my child.

However, if she had no where else to go and she would never be alone with my child then I would do it for a set time only.

Start calling local womens shelters. That's what they are for!

No, definitely not.
Your home should be your sanctuary.
It doesn't matter who owns the building. At present it is your home. You have not been employed as a hostel warden. YOU have not been employed at all.
You absolutely should have boundaries and this suggestion crosses right across that.
I also feel the same about the other presbyters, in truth, not just because you have children.

We live in a similar sort of arrangement and have never been asked to take people in.

We have offered housing to certain people in times of need. In one case it was with the understanding that it was a short term arrangement, in the other it was open ended. In neither case was very an irate ex partner.

I would not have taken kindly in either case if we had been told we had to do it. In both cases it was entirely our choice.

No. You'd be putting yourself and your family in danger, as her ex-partner is certainly capable of violence. I agree the woman needs help, but she needs to be helped in a secure location by the police. This is not a task for the local church to solve, even if your husband's position and your housing situation did require you to occasionally offer sanctuary to people in need (which I understand it does not). Your profession gives you the skills to care for people in difficult positions, but part of that is also having the ability to recognize when a task should not be solved the way someone else wants you to. Your proposal to help out in other ways, by organizing appropriate help, is perfect.

No way would I be putting my child in that position.

Signpost all you want but make it clear that's as far as you are willing to go.

Your child's safety comes first and that's the reason I would give for saying no, on repeat. By all means offer emotional/practical support but that's best done at some sort of professional distance and that would be impossible with her living in your home. Stick to your guns, it would be irresponsible of you as parents to put your child in such a potentially dangerous situation.

So they expect you to put yourself and your child in danger of a violent drug dealer turning up on your doorstep. I'm sorry but it's a big fat NO!!

I have a friend who is a vicar. Her husband NEVER goes to her church for a service & will not get involved in the parish in any way, shape or form

This is totally accepted by her parishioners. I wonder if it would be if the vicar was male and his partner female? Somehow I doubt it.

So what I'm saying is your job is irrelevant, you are not employed to do anything in the parish and the CFs who are pushing you to do this when they are not rushing to let her stay in their spare room need to shut up and wind their neck in.

This is what shelters are for.

It’s a sad situation that a community vicariously can’t take in a vulnerable individual in need of shelter.

But times have changed - you work & have a child & need your time & space out of a demanding caring role to be able to care for your own (& your service users).

The boundaries need to be put in place because unfortunately society is more complex with drugs etc & in terms of safe guarding, you aren’t set up to be a professional refuge.

Individuals’ needs for refuge have not changed obviously, & in many ways that need is far greater sadly, than it was in the past.

So you’re being out in a very difficult position by your peers/the community.

If the other vicars are happy to decline but suggest you & DH as suitable then they’re scapegoating & know because your accommodation has spare rooms they’re using that to guilt you into it.

Why not offer one of those professionals (ie another vicar) to lodge in one of those rooms - while they offer their lodgings up as a refuge temporarily?

What about collective responsibility?

You have a minor & safeguarding is an issue.

Plus you are another female who will be alone at your residence at sone stages in the day or some pms & as such are also at risk of a dangerous, vengeful & abusive male, out to cause trouble for his feeing ex.

Do you have the appropriate security/ cameras/ escape doors not to mention fire health & safety things?

I know intuitively it feels wrong to say no but sadly I don’t think it’s appropriate.

You both do enough in your professional roles to the community - don’t let them guilt trip you into agreeing to this.

Not a cat in Hell's chance OP.

In a normal run of he mill circumstance we have had people to stay for a few days but its always been people we have known such as when people in the parish have been made homeless or when someone's house didn't complete and they had nowhere to go but this was for a defined time with no additional issues or risks. I often do what isn't "my job" but it goes with the territory.
The people saying it's our Christian duty, I agree but it feels like I shouldn't have to put my primary aged child in danger.
Being a Christian doesn't mean I also have to cop for everything.

Are you sure the Diocese is aware of this? It's a major safeguarding NoNo, both for your child and for the vulnerable woman. I've seen people undergo investigation for staying with someone vulnerable in an emergency.

The woman is vulnerable to grooming and abuse, you and your husband are vulnerable to false allegations made against you, your whole family is vulnerable to the kinds of drama that might kick off.

This is not how things are done.

No. Don’t house her, there is a risk to your family from the partner.

Clergy salaries are notoriously low, can you afford another person in the house?

She won’t be a priority to be rehoused, no. The history of her partner puts your child at risk, no.

I would be inclined to contact womens aid and secure a refuge space for her so she can get specialist support, get support from other women in the same position and have access to therapeutic programmes, thorough safety planning etc. At times these spaces can be maxed out so if it were me id probably be inclined to help but with clear boundaries from the get go and it would be on the understanding that it is just until a space in refuge came up. The other thing to consider is you have a kid in the house who could be impacted by seeing someone very bruised or upset coming into their home or someone coming and looking for them. You'd need to inform your child not to speak to strangers/ tell anyone she's living there or answer the phone by themselves which could be a little scary for them so no you are not under any obligation to do take this on when there are better equipped services in place who may be better able to keep this lady safe. Or you put a call out to a child free household to take her in.

I know right. It must be great being a man and delegating any things you don’t like doing onto another person.

I saw person but clearly is normally a woman

Has this lady been referred to the local DV support service? If not do encourage her to accept a referral. They can then risk assess and work
With her on a safety plan that could include refuge/rehousing.

do get in touch with your diocesan safeguarding adviser. I suspect they will advise you not to do this. Hopefully they will also support you in directing this lady to help and explaining to the church why they advised you not to do this x

So this is part of why I don't follow religion.
Conditioned to behave in a con-formative manner and guilt tripped into doing things that you are not comfortable with in the name of religious duty. Judged upon every behaviour.

@Cw112
The trouble is my child plays out in the garden with the next door neighbours kids, thy run in and out of the house and to next door. I trusted them to do this his summer and they have shown they can be trusted. My child is not behind the door when it comes to violence as they were subject to it before coming to us. I kind of feel that it's just too much to ask them to essentially lose their much hard worked for innocence on watching out for violent drug dealers.

My husband is in agreement he is a good person but realises the risks associated with this. He is a survivor of domestic violence. I remember the lengths his ex used to go to find him. Turning up where we used to live and kicking the door so I know how abusers behave.
He has sent an email to the diocese and copied in all the people who commented on the email trail asking for "advice" hopefully the safeguarding officer will reply with some advice snd and official decision about hiw best to help. Maybe it will get the people who are pushing things in my direction to back off a little.
I've offered help and said I can meet with her in the week to help her to make some phone calls on my phone so he can't trace anything and will also set up an email address for her so she can make some applications.

Somebody has passed on our house number which also doubles as the vicarage phone. I never use it we have already had a message asking when she can come from he church warden. It's all just getting a bit out of hand. Poor woman it must be awful for her the whole thing is worrying me but my son has to be the priority.