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AIBU?

DH says he's leaving me if this continues

332 replies

Pompomqueen · 02/10/2022 17:02

I have an infant and a toddler.

DH told me today 'I can't go on like this, if it continues I'm leaving'

We had 2 arguments this wkend where I felt he was in the wrong. He then said if we have any more he would be leaving me.

First one, he went on a lads night out. Didn't contact me for 16 hrs. I saw he'd been online. Granted I sent a msg in the morning saying no reply to my msg? Instead of 'good night hunny'.... He was like oh sorry didn't realise I had to check in at regular intervals.

Second one, he cleared away everyone's stuff after lunch except mine. I took this as passive aggressive and said so. He shook his head and said I should put my stuff away after using it. Fair enough, but I clear his stuff all the time. He said it was no big deal but I got upset saying it made me feel embarrassed and that it incenuated that I don't pull my weight...
Then he said 'I'm sick of this, I'm going to leave if this contnues'.

I feel unless I am miss happy I have the threat of being a single mother looming over my head.

In those arguments was I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
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Am I being unreasonable?

2000 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
6%
You are NOT being unreasonable
94%
Spectre8 · 02/10/2022 17:57

Cornflakegirll · 02/10/2022 17:53

Absolutely this… amazed at some posters responses.

16 hours without contact when you have two very young children and a wife at home is enough alone to kick him out!

Really, if this is a one off big deal. Id trust my partner to be able to look after the kids for a day or more. If someone is ouf for a kgjt out I dont get this obsession over needing contact. Leave them to enjoy the night.

If this was a regular thing then I'd grt it but if it isn't then I dont see the big deal really.

Some people are married ro guys who probably work 12-16 hr days and can't be contacted if their working..id bet this would be seen as fine though.

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PurplRainDancer · 02/10/2022 17:58

WoopsIdiditagain1 · 02/10/2022 17:05

Fuck him. Tell him that's fine and give him a suitcase. Don't live on egg shells.

This good luck OP.

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mathanxiety · 02/10/2022 17:59

Poor diddums, family responsibilities have all been too much of a curtailment of fun for him.

He has checked out, and he doesn't like you.

I would absolutely call his bluff. I don't know how there would be any way back from the threat, or the outright hostility he is showing.

First, figure out your financial and housing.position.

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AmInormallk · 02/10/2022 17:59

Pompomqueen · 02/10/2022 17:07

I just can't bear the thought of my children being from a broken home. I will do anything in my power to give them a happy childhood even if I sacrifice my own happiness. I know first hand how traumatic your parents not being together can be. Has anyone been in this situation. Can anyone give me some advice?

I feel you have unresolved trauma of your own here

OK - so your parents not being together, is that actually what caused that trauma OR were there other factors? Well balanced parents, living apart, will not cause trauma.

Do not martyr yourself like this because honestly, it is entirely possible to raise well balanced happy kids, whilst not living with their Dad, but this involves both parents putting the kids first and not slagging off the other parent etc

You realise you do not actually need him?

16 hours for a night out? He was shagging.

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Noteverybodylives · 02/10/2022 17:59

It is already a broken home. You mend it by ending an abusive marriage.

Exactly.

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Cornflakegirll · 02/10/2022 18:00

Spectre8 · 02/10/2022 17:57

Really, if this is a one off big deal. Id trust my partner to be able to look after the kids for a day or more. If someone is ouf for a kgjt out I dont get this obsession over needing contact. Leave them to enjoy the night.

If this was a regular thing then I'd grt it but if it isn't then I dont see the big deal really.

Some people are married ro guys who probably work 12-16 hr days and can't be contacted if their working..id bet this would be seen as fine though.

He was online though… so clearly able to check in on his very young children! 🙄

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BellePeppa · 02/10/2022 18:00

Pompomqueen · 02/10/2022 17:07

I just can't bear the thought of my children being from a broken home. I will do anything in my power to give them a happy childhood even if I sacrifice my own happiness. I know first hand how traumatic your parents not being together can be. Has anyone been in this situation. Can anyone give me some advice?

Try not to think of it as a ‘broken’ home, there are plenty of two parent families that are broken and plenty of single parent families that thrive. I brought up my two children as a single parent and they’ve had a very happy childhood (young adults now). One at Uni and the younger going next year. I had to weigh up what was best - dysfunction with both parents in the house or functioning with just me.

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Tsort · 02/10/2022 18:01

TamzinTotally · 02/10/2022 17:57

@Tsort

Actually no - OP has come out and said how much it bothered her to have split parents, only for many people including you to do instantly dismiss that and tell her how much better it is for the kids if she were to split.

Actually, yes. She came on the thread and asked for opinions. We’re giving her our opinions. The fact that said opinions do not align with hers isn’t ‘dismissing’, it’s disagreeing.

The opinions provided (that she has actively sought) are not required to be the same as hers (or yours). It’s extremely strange that you think they are.

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amylou8 · 02/10/2022 18:02

Well you know where the door is would be my reply.

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mathanxiety · 02/10/2022 18:03

Your children are going to live in a home that is as happy as this man wants it to be.

One person alone can't give children a happy home.

He has shown zero commit.ent to the home and to family life. He is threatening to ruin everything you care about, out of spite and an impulse to control you.

If you think your children will look back and smile at childhood memories of a home where this man lives, you are mistaken.

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arethereanyleftatall · 02/10/2022 18:03

Pompomqueen · 02/10/2022 17:07

I just can't bear the thought of my children being from a broken home. I will do anything in my power to give them a happy childhood even if I sacrifice my own happiness. I know first hand how traumatic your parents not being together can be. Has anyone been in this situation. Can anyone give me some advice?

This is rude, insulting, offensive, and, utter nonsense.
Many of us have decided to 'destroy' our childrens lives by removing negativity from the home.
And, guess what, they're happier. Who would have thunk it.
But, you do you.

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Womencanlift · 02/10/2022 18:03

Pompomqueen · 02/10/2022 17:07

I just can't bear the thought of my children being from a broken home. I will do anything in my power to give them a happy childhood even if I sacrifice my own happiness. I know first hand how traumatic your parents not being together can be. Has anyone been in this situation. Can anyone give me some advice?

A happy childhood will not happen if there is tension in the house and you are not being a good role model to them if you think it’s acceptable to stay with someone who treats you bad

Sounds like there is a lot of passive aggression in your relationship and likely from both sides. You both need to work on that either together or apart to avoid your children picking up on that

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Maisymoomoo22 · 02/10/2022 18:03

Tell him to fuck off

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KangarooKenny · 02/10/2022 18:04

Take him up on his offer. Don’t be controlled.

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TamzinTotally · 02/10/2022 18:05

AmInormallk · 02/10/2022 17:59

I feel you have unresolved trauma of your own here

OK - so your parents not being together, is that actually what caused that trauma OR were there other factors? Well balanced parents, living apart, will not cause trauma.

Do not martyr yourself like this because honestly, it is entirely possible to raise well balanced happy kids, whilst not living with their Dad, but this involves both parents putting the kids first and not slagging off the other parent etc

You realise you do not actually need him?

16 hours for a night out? He was shagging.

@AmInormallk

“well balanced parents living apart will not cause trauma”
As normalised as it is, it can indeed cause trauma.
hard as it is for some here to understand when a child’s whole family and safety and comfort is tied up in their home with Mum and Dad and they think that will be forever - being told that it’s ending because one doesn’t live the other (as they love both their parents and thought their parents felt the same for them and each other) can indeed cause trauma.

Its a big fucking deal though some on here can’t acknowledge that because it conflicts with their own choices or beliefs.

My parents split - it fucking sucked and it wasn’t because it became some abusive situation after that either or anything. It was relatively stable (as stable as living in two home and parents having new boyfriend girlfriend new kids in the house can be) and I hated it and never felt at home again.

Ironically they are now back together, so that’s just great mum and dad🙄

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TamzinTotally · 02/10/2022 18:06

Actually they just went to France and are nicely set up for their retirement

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BirdinaHedge · 02/10/2022 18:06

I will do anything in my power to give them a happy childhood even if I sacrifice my own happiness.

Seriously, that won't make your DC happy.

I know. My mother sacrificed herself in this way. It doesn't work.

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TugboatAnnie · 02/10/2022 18:07

I think that's a good idea dh. So are the children going to live with you and come here some of the time or are they going to stay living here but come to you 3 or 4 days a week? I'm sure we can work it out amicably.

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decayingmatter · 02/10/2022 18:08

Well my lovely, peaceful, happy, fulfilling home with my DC sounds a hell of a lot less 'broken' than your miserable, tense home domineered by a poor role model.

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Ffsmakeitstop · 02/10/2022 18:08

Maisymoomoo22 · 02/10/2022 18:03

Tell him to fuck off

Exactly this. You and your children deserve more.

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TamzinTotally · 02/10/2022 18:08

arethereanyleftatall · 02/10/2022 18:03

This is rude, insulting, offensive, and, utter nonsense.
Many of us have decided to 'destroy' our childrens lives by removing negativity from the home.
And, guess what, they're happier. Who would have thunk it.
But, you do you.

@arethereanyleftatall

Are they? Would they tell you if they weren’t? When your so invested in splitting being the right choice and obviously have strong views over it so you really think they would come out and say they never wanted their parents to split?

Obviously not talking about real abuse (not two instances of being short with someone - that is not abuse) in that case they are better off.

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LegoFiends · 02/10/2022 18:08

He’s already decided that he’s willing to leave you in the medium term. He’s just waiting for a way that he can place the blame on you.
You could suggest counselling if you want to give him a chance, but don’t live on eggshells.

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ItsAutumnThen · 02/10/2022 18:09

I'm not sure it's entirely productive to recommend leaving the father of your two very young children as if it's as easy as buying milk.

I'm really sorry you're going through this, sounds very tough and I would feel exactly the same about wanting to keep things stable for my children even at my expense, I do understand that.

My advice would be to try to find a way to have an open discussion with your partner. Having young kids can be brutal at times and if this behaviour is new perhaps he is struggling with the change. I'm not excusing his behaviour at all because it really is not okay and he can't threaten to leave after every confrontation. I'm wondering if he is struggling with the changes that come with being a parent, do you think you could get some time just the two of you to go for a walk and try to have a bit of an open discussion about how each other is feeling and how you can move forward - (I'm recommending a walk as in my experience men tend to open up more when it doesn't feel like a direct face to face discussion).

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supersop60 · 02/10/2022 18:10

Pompomqueen · 02/10/2022 17:07

I just can't bear the thought of my children being from a broken home. I will do anything in my power to give them a happy childhood even if I sacrifice my own happiness. I know first hand how traumatic your parents not being together can be. Has anyone been in this situation. Can anyone give me some advice?

But it wouldn't be a happy home. Children pick up on tensions and atmosphere more than you think. Far better for them to have a happy mum, and see their dad whenever you arrange it.

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GUARDIAN1 · 02/10/2022 18:10

It sounds like very controlling behaviour to me. One of my relatives is married to an absolute a* who will routinely buy lovely food (eg a whole spread of 'picky bits' from M&S) and makes sure he and their teenage children are just finishing it all when she walks in from work. He does a whole load of other stuff too, lots of gaslighting. It demeans her in front of the kids who are growing up with very little respect for her.

How would your OH react if you went out for 16 hours and he'd no idea where you were?

Honestly hun, I think his behaviour could be the start of a very slippery slope. Being the main carer for two small children can be exhausting. You need support, not that nasty behaviour. Going it alone is easier than doing it all anyway at the same time as trying to appease another adult who brings you down. Don't put up with it or I can almost guarantee it will get worse.

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