My feed
Premium

Please
or
to access all these features

AIBU?

DH says he's leaving me if this continues

332 replies

Pompomqueen · 02/10/2022 17:02

I have an infant and a toddler.

DH told me today 'I can't go on like this, if it continues I'm leaving'

We had 2 arguments this wkend where I felt he was in the wrong. He then said if we have any more he would be leaving me.

First one, he went on a lads night out. Didn't contact me for 16 hrs. I saw he'd been online. Granted I sent a msg in the morning saying no reply to my msg? Instead of 'good night hunny'.... He was like oh sorry didn't realise I had to check in at regular intervals.

Second one, he cleared away everyone's stuff after lunch except mine. I took this as passive aggressive and said so. He shook his head and said I should put my stuff away after using it. Fair enough, but I clear his stuff all the time. He said it was no big deal but I got upset saying it made me feel embarrassed and that it incenuated that I don't pull my weight...
Then he said 'I'm sick of this, I'm going to leave if this contnues'.

I feel unless I am miss happy I have the threat of being a single mother looming over my head.

In those arguments was I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Report

Am I being unreasonable?

2000 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
6%
You are NOT being unreasonable
94%
Thatboymum · 02/10/2022 17:45

Op sacrificing your own happiness and staying in a toxic environment will not make your kids happy or healthy individuals. I stayed in an abusive relationship for 5 years for the sake of my kids not having a broken home and ultimately I was miserable so they were miserable and I basically taught them it’s ok for somebody to treat them like shit. We have now been a broken home and a single parent house for 3 years and my kids are the happiest healthiest individuals they have ever been. You can do this on your own it’s actually far easier than I felt being with my ex. Don’t spend your life walking on eggshells for your kids please

Report
TamzinTotally · 02/10/2022 17:46

LordEmsworth · 02/10/2022 17:42

I just can't bear the thought of my children being from a broken home. YABU. YABU. YABU. It's not the 1950s any more, lots of children grow up in "broken homes" and are happier there than they ever were in the perfect 2-parent household where they had to watch misery being played out every day.

@LordEmsworth

Just because there’s lots of divorce doesn’t mean it’s good for kids. It being common doesn’t somehow prove its healthy for them. Parents breaking up unless one is violent or abusive is often pretty transitive for kids and can alter their life’s trajectory for the worse. As much for what follows as the event itself (what follows being parent having new relationships, instability, either having no permanent home or seeing one parent far less, feeling that anything can end any time).

Report
Thurst · 02/10/2022 17:46

Why were you trying to contact him? If you were just checking in I’d find that irritating. He’s on a night out leave him to it.
The second thing is weird. Did he just forget to take it or did he deliberately leave yours out. If he did it deliberately that’s a dick move. I guess there is more to this and only you can know if he is worth the effort or not.
A bad relationship is just as likely to mess your kids up. Divorce isn’t bad in every situation.

Report
MooseBreath · 02/10/2022 17:47

If the reason he wants to leave is based solely on those two instances, then he is absolutely being unreasonable and a complete twat.

That said, I'm not sure I believe it's only those two instances in this situation. Obviously I could be wrong (and I don't want to victim-blame if what you've described is genuinely the whole story), but I think we're missing a lot of information and only hearing your side.

Report
Thepeopleversuswork · 02/10/2022 17:47

TamzinTotally · 02/10/2022 17:43

Also all this stuff about the kids will be so happy if you break up and they get to see you happy with another man is pure fantasy. Most kids aren’t happier with a broken home as opposed to a relatively calm, imperfect perhaps, but stable one.

Kids being better off with divorced parents is a common fantasy on here which many posters want to believe because they identify with the woman wanting to leave so of course they want the choice they would make to be the “best” one.

This is utter bollocks.

No children want their parents to split, all things being equal. Of course they don’t. But they also don’t want to grow up with two parents who hate one another. No child ever thanked a parent for toughing out a miserable marriage and being destroyed in the process just for the sake of having both parents under one roof.

Report
sugarrosepetal · 02/10/2022 17:48

OP please don't think a single parent home is a broken home. A broken home is one filled with anxiety and a lack of respect with little love. I learned the hard way trying to keep my kids dad with me for them. He was an abusive, controlling tw@ and they were so much happier being away from tense atmosphere with me, just seeing their dad when they wanted.

Report
Soontobe60 · 02/10/2022 17:48

16 hours isn't a lads night out. Its a complete piss take and no way for a father of 2 children to behave

Report
Rabbitbabbit · 02/10/2022 17:48

My ex was like this. Before having a child he was caring, considerate, great fun, we were both deeply in love and I couldn't imagine life without him. We discussed having a child at length as I'd never been overly keen but was open to it given how happy our marriage was, but he was the main driver. After baby arrived he completely changed. I spent a few years making sure I did the vast, vast majority of everything because he would often moan about being stressed and exhausted and threatened to leave.

One day I did call his bluff and just said if you don't want to be with me anymore then leave- he said no no it's DS I don't want to live like this anymore, to which I basically said well he's part and package of me now I'm not going to give him up as it wasn't what you thought it'd be. It's a miserable way to live and I was infinitely happier without him. Sure I missed what we had before but that ship had long sailed and absolutely I didn't miss the man he had become. After a rocky time sorting everything out like finances, the house, how to split having DS etc it was bliss. I have since met someone who makes me happy, whilst of course he isn't DS' father he repects us both and doesnt sulk or throw around threats.

On the one hand it sounds like perhaps you're both just tired and need to talk and try and resolve some of the bigger issues, on the other he's being clear really about what he wants and maybe it's worth listening to that- only you know though.

Report
Bestcatmum · 02/10/2022 17:48

I'd tell him to piss off then.

Report
user443741922 · 02/10/2022 17:48

Pompomqueen · 02/10/2022 17:07

I just can't bear the thought of my children being from a broken home. I will do anything in my power to give them a happy childhood even if I sacrifice my own happiness. I know first hand how traumatic your parents not being together can be. Has anyone been in this situation. Can anyone give me some advice?

I completely understand what you are saying.
He probably knows this though. So he will control you by using this threat.

The best thing you is test him. Say you agree... he needs to step up and treat you better or you will be happy to split.
His response will tell you everything you need to know about him.

A single happy mother is much healthier for children than have a sad, controlled and horrible family life

Report
TamzinTotally · 02/10/2022 17:48

Tsort · 02/10/2022 17:36

This is melodramatic nonsense.

An abusive controlling arse of a father and a mother who tolerates being treated like shite are considerably more traumatic than being ‘from a broken home’. My advice is to tell him to fuck off.

@Tsort

She knows it first hand. If she found her parents not being together upsetting (and many do) you would do well not to dismiss that just because it goes against what you want to be true.

Report
RedToothBrush · 02/10/2022 17:51

Pack his stuff and say 'see you then'.

Report
ChorleyFMcominginyourears · 02/10/2022 17:51

Traumatic being from a broken home? Try how traumatic it is to have your parents stay together and hate each other but think they're doing the right thing for you and also think they're hiding all the resentment and arguments from you.....trust me, that's worse, I'd have rather have been from a broken home.

Report
AngelinaFibres · 02/10/2022 17:51

Pompomqueen · 02/10/2022 17:07

I just can't bear the thought of my children being from a broken home. I will do anything in my power to give them a happy childhood even if I sacrifice my own happiness. I know first hand how traumatic your parents not being together can be. Has anyone been in this situation. Can anyone give me some advice?

My exhusband left when our children were 3 and 2. They are now 29 and 28. They are both married and I am a granny following the birth, in March, of my youngest sons first baby. They are fantastic young men. They went to university, they have well paid jobs. Had their father stayed their lives might well have been very different. He is an alcoholic with an angry and chaotic nature. I walked on eggshells just like you are. My family didn't do divorce. It was shameful. I would have struggled to leave him but in the end he did me a favour and left. The years as a single parent were very hard but I met my second husband when the boys were 9 and 7. They love him. He is a fantastic step dad. Don't stay in a bad situation. You only have one life. Make it the best you can. You can co parent with your husband when you are no longer together. There are many ways to live. Walking on eggshells is definitely not a recommended one. Nor is it necessary.

Report
Stravaig · 02/10/2022 17:52

I just can't bear the thought of my children being from a broken home.

It is already a broken home. You mend it by ending an abusive marriage.

Report
Soontobe60 · 02/10/2022 17:52

TamzinTotally · 02/10/2022 17:43

Also all this stuff about the kids will be so happy if you break up and they get to see you happy with another man is pure fantasy. Most kids aren’t happier with a broken home as opposed to a relatively calm, imperfect perhaps, but stable one.

Kids being better off with divorced parents is a common fantasy on here which many posters want to believe because they identify with the woman wanting to leave so of course they want the choice they would make to be the “best” one.

Really? Are you a man?

Report
Cornflakegirll · 02/10/2022 17:53

Soontobe60 · 02/10/2022 17:48

16 hours isn't a lads night out. Its a complete piss take and no way for a father of 2 children to behave

Absolutely this… amazed at some posters responses.

16 hours without contact when you have two very young children and a wife at home is enough alone to kick him out!

Report
TamzinTotally · 02/10/2022 17:53

Thepeopleversuswork · 02/10/2022 17:47

This is utter bollocks.

No children want their parents to split, all things being equal. Of course they don’t. But they also don’t want to grow up with two parents who hate one another. No child ever thanked a parent for toughing out a miserable marriage and being destroyed in the process just for the sake of having both parents under one roof.

@Thepeopleversuswork

This isn’t a miserable marriage and abusive home though is it? It’s two instances of husband being a melodramatic dick possibly while stressed and tired from young kids. Obviously things need to change but my advice is to try to change them and be happy and work on the marriage rather than just leave.

Plenty of kids are quite troubled (throughout life) by having split parents and it does make their life worse and less happy - though that may be an inconvenient truth to some around here.

Report
Tsort · 02/10/2022 17:53

TamzinTotally · 02/10/2022 17:48

@Tsort

She knows it first hand. If she found her parents not being together upsetting (and many do) you would do well not to dismiss that just because it goes against what you want to be true.

  • Lots of people whose parents didn’t get divorced have posted about their negative experiences and how they wish they had.
  • OP has no idea if she’d have been happier if her parents stayed together.
  • You have no idea what my experience has of hasn’t been.


If anyone on this thread is dismissing things because it goes against what they want to be true, tis you. You’d do well to recognise that.
Report
MrsTerryPratchett · 02/10/2022 17:54

16 hours away from home and manufacturing reasons to split?

Cherchez la femme.

Report
TamzinTotally · 02/10/2022 17:55

Soontobe60 · 02/10/2022 17:52

Really? Are you a man?

@Soontobe60

No. But I don’t see the relevance. After all this about the kids point of view - and especially if she had a son then if you think that A man would think like that then I guess it wouldn’t make him happy.

Report
AgathaX · 02/10/2022 17:55

Children who grow up in a home where one parent is controlling towards the other parent, or who grow up with one parent treading on egg shells do not have a happy childhood.
Those children will almost definitely be subjected to the bad behaviour from their controlling parent themselves, and so they will also learn to tread egg shells to survive. The children could grow into victims and in turn end up living with controlling partners themselves, because that is what they know, or they could turn out to be the controlling ones towards their future partners. Either way is not a good scenario.
Far better to show them that adults don't have to live poor lives with controlling partners, that their parents can thrive living in separate households. That's going to be a much happier childhood.

Report

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

Iknowforsure1 · 02/10/2022 17:55

What’s wrong with him?

Report
TamzinTotally · 02/10/2022 17:57

Tsort · 02/10/2022 17:53

  • Lots of people whose parents didn’t get divorced have posted about their negative experiences and how they wish they had.
  • OP has no idea if she’d have been happier if her parents stayed together.
  • You have no idea what my experience has of hasn’t been.


If anyone on this thread is dismissing things because it goes against what they want to be true, tis you. You’d do well to recognise that.

@Tsort

Actually no - OP has come out and said how much it bothered her to have split parents, only for many people including you to do instantly dismiss that and tell her how much better it is for the kids if she were to split.

Report
PinkyFlamingo · 02/10/2022 17:57

just can't bear the thought of my children being from a broken home. I will do anything in my power to give them a happy childhood even if I sacrifice my own happiness

Doesn't work like that I'm afraid. Your children are not robots, they are human beings with eyes, ears and emotions. They will grow up witnessing your unhappiness and god only knows what else. Sure fire way of screwing them up.

Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.