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AIBU?

DH says he's leaving me if this continues

332 replies

Pompomqueen · 02/10/2022 17:02

I have an infant and a toddler.

DH told me today 'I can't go on like this, if it continues I'm leaving'

We had 2 arguments this wkend where I felt he was in the wrong. He then said if we have any more he would be leaving me.

First one, he went on a lads night out. Didn't contact me for 16 hrs. I saw he'd been online. Granted I sent a msg in the morning saying no reply to my msg? Instead of 'good night hunny'.... He was like oh sorry didn't realise I had to check in at regular intervals.

Second one, he cleared away everyone's stuff after lunch except mine. I took this as passive aggressive and said so. He shook his head and said I should put my stuff away after using it. Fair enough, but I clear his stuff all the time. He said it was no big deal but I got upset saying it made me feel embarrassed and that it incenuated that I don't pull my weight...
Then he said 'I'm sick of this, I'm going to leave if this contnues'.

I feel unless I am miss happy I have the threat of being a single mother looming over my head.

In those arguments was I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
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Am I being unreasonable?

2000 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
6%
You are NOT being unreasonable
94%
AmIThatMam · 02/10/2022 23:34

Pompomqueen · 02/10/2022 17:07

I just can't bear the thought of my children being from a broken home. I will do anything in my power to give them a happy childhood even if I sacrifice my own happiness. I know first hand how traumatic your parents not being together can be. Has anyone been in this situation. Can anyone give me some advice?

If you aren’t happy, your children won’t be either.
tell him to leave if it’s such a hardship to clear your plate & send a text. (Presumably while you raise his children)

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Pugdogmom · 02/10/2022 23:40

See I keep hearing this " broken home" mid 20th century speak bullshit. Drives me nuts. Its nonsense. A true broken home is living in a house where you are treated like crap and your kids are unhappy because they can sense the tension. Yes, even at a young age.
I was in a similar situation to you, and leaving my ex was the best thing that ever happened. My kids and I were happier, and content and they never missed him. They are adults now and never see him. I'm remarried and their " stepfather " is their Dad. It was exes choice to break contact, he just didn't want to be a Dad .
Leave the bastard

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QS90 · 03/10/2022 00:33

Does he have issues from his own childhood? Sometimes having children can re-open those wounds for people / people act out learnt (bad) behaviour from their own abusive parents. It's absolutely not an excuse for acting this way. If this sounds like him, he will need to commit to intensive therapy, and you will also need couples counselling to get through it. If he won't do this for himself, his children and you, you need to leave him because it won't get better. It may also be damaging to your own children, I'm sorry to say, as they learn what they see modelled and will be at risk of repeating it themselves as adults.

So sorry this is the situation you have found yourself in.

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ThinWomansBrain · 03/10/2022 00:42

Sod getting the bloody suitcase for him - just ask him how soon.

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BellePeppa · 03/10/2022 11:48

CuntryPursuits · 02/10/2022 19:31

God I loathe this advice. Why would any mother want to hand her children over to someone who's a knob for 50% of the time? Who actually wants to lose their children for half of their childhoods - especially if the other parent is a bit crap?

It's also all very well people saying that they wish their parents had split up sooner. However, the reality of divorce is that it's hell on earth for everyone. It does get better in the end, but it often takes a very, very long time and children are not always instantly happier. In many cases, there is a long period where the children would still rather be in a dysfunctional nuclear family than a functional two-household set-up. Because they are children, and they want what's normal for them. It takes them a long time to come to terms with what genuinely normal relationships look like - and even then, a part of them will often still feel the loss of their formative nuclear family experience.

It’s amazing how many posters on MN seem to treat children as bargaining tools, weapons and threats. You get posts like ‘my dh is a selfish, thoughtless, bad tempered blah blah blah and the answers are ‘leave him with the kids, see how he likes it’ etc. It beggars belief🤷‍♀️

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AuntSalli · 03/10/2022 12:28

BellePeppa · 03/10/2022 11:48

It’s amazing how many posters on MN seem to treat children as bargaining tools, weapons and threats. You get posts like ‘my dh is a selfish, thoughtless, bad tempered blah blah blah and the answers are ‘leave him with the kids, see how he likes it’ etc. It beggars belief🤷‍♀️

A threat is all it, everyone knows the uptake of 50/50 residentancy is minimal.

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Goldbar · 03/10/2022 12:29

BellePeppa · 03/10/2022 11:48

It’s amazing how many posters on MN seem to treat children as bargaining tools, weapons and threats. You get posts like ‘my dh is a selfish, thoughtless, bad tempered blah blah blah and the answers are ‘leave him with the kids, see how he likes it’ etc. It beggars belief🤷‍♀️

It depends...

You're right that some men don't care enough about their children to make the effort to parent them properly. In that case, leaving the kids with them is clearly a bad idea.

But others do have reasonable standards for parenting, they just don't see it as their job to meet those standards. For example, they think their kids should have healthy meals cooked for them, do activities, do their homework, be interacted with, not have too much screen time... but they don't see themselves as having primary or even equal responsibility to make that happen. As far as they're concerned, actioning this is someone else's problem (their wife/partner's, their new girlfriend's, the nanny's, their female relative's...). But if there's no one around to do this for them, they will (albeit often with lots of huffing and puffing and moaning about how unfair it is) generally step up for their children.

In the early days of having our DC, my DH was a bit like this. In the end, I did just walk out of the house early on Saturday telling him that he was in charge of the baby and I wasn't coming back until lunch. He managed, fed DC, gave them a bath, played with them. And it eventually became a thing that after working away all week, he'd take over on Saturdays for a bit and I'd go out and have some time to myself.

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Sallylovesdaisy · 03/10/2022 19:35

Sounds like he's baiting you, definitely trying to wear you down. What an obnoxious creep!

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FictionalCharacter · 04/03/2023 20:42

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

londonrach · 04/03/2023 20:44

Let him go. ....

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FictionalCharacter · 04/03/2023 21:05

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

ThatsAboutEnoughOfThat · 04/03/2023 21:25

Pompomqueen · 02/10/2022 17:07

I just can't bear the thought of my children being from a broken home. I will do anything in my power to give them a happy childhood even if I sacrifice my own happiness. I know first hand how traumatic your parents not being together can be. Has anyone been in this situation. Can anyone give me some advice?

That is a very large load to put on your children.

Well. He can what he wants then can't he? You won't leave and your children will have to carry the guilt of your unhappiness.

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SunflowerTed · 05/03/2023 19:06

Pompomqueen · 02/10/2022 17:07

I just can't bear the thought of my children being from a broken home. I will do anything in my power to give them a happy childhood even if I sacrifice my own happiness. I know first hand how traumatic your parents not being together can be. Has anyone been in this situation. Can anyone give me some advice?

They’re not going to have a happy childhood with a sick head dad and an unhappy doormat mother

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ThinWomansBrain · 05/03/2023 21:16

see a family solicitor, learn your options and decide what you want.
When you've done that, ask him when he's going.

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Merangutan · 05/03/2023 22:05

Passive aggression is a way for him to show he’s annoyed without having the courage (or, if you give him a bit more credit, the words) to really say what’s on his mind. So, it manifests as general stroppiness, irritability and silly arguments that seem to come out of nowhere.

When he behaves like this - disproportionately and makes it seem like your issue because you’re unreasonable - I would present him with the facts of the disagreement and outline what you think his real problem is.

E.g ‘Me being surprised to not hear from you for 16 hours and not get a goodnight message is not hugely unreasonable because normally we say goodnight to each other. You say you’re angry because you have to ‘check in’. What’s really bothering you? It sounds like you are frustrated because you want freedom that needs no explaining to your family.’

or ‘I wondered why you left my plates instead of clearing them for both of us, as that’s what I would always do. You say it’s because I should clear my own. It seems as if you think I don’t do my fair share around the house?’

I suggest this simply because it’s obvious that he’s got some sort of issue that he’s not articulating, he’s threatening to end your marriage over it and he seems to be looking for tiny things to use as excuses for his bad mood towards you. He needs to see it’s entirely unreasonable and unacceptable.

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OldFan · 06/03/2023 00:51

or ‘I wondered why you left my plates instead of clearing them for both of us, as that’s what I would always do. You say it’s because I should clear my own. It seems as if you think I don’t do my fair share around the house?’

WTAF No. He left the plates because he's in a mood and being an arse.

As it comes after the recent issue and he hasn't done it before, presumably it's because of that issue, he's just being unpleasant because OP said she wasn't happy with his behaviour.

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Berylo · 06/03/2023 00:58

Pompomqueen · 02/10/2022 17:07

I just can't bear the thought of my children being from a broken home. I will do anything in my power to give them a happy childhood even if I sacrifice my own happiness. I know first hand how traumatic your parents not being together can be. Has anyone been in this situation. Can anyone give me some advice?

He knows this and is playing on it. Dump him. You’d be better off.

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JudgeRudy · 06/03/2023 01:26

I'm not disputing your account of what happened this weekend but I'm struggling to believe this is it...like 2 arguments and he's saying he's leaving?
Is this weekend typical of your bickering? I would even call them arguments really.

Regards the 'lads night'. Presuming you knew he was staying out overnight I think you're being unreasonable being arsey because he didn't message you. Is it that you really think he wad with another woman or are you genuinely annoyed because he didn't message you?

Regards the lunch bits, I do think it's petty that he didn't clear yours away too, but I think it's more telling that you felt embarrassed and that he was accusing you of not pulling your weight. Has this been discussed before because it seems an over reaction. If this is a pattern and you burst into tears and said how horrible he is and how awful you feel I can see maybe where the next comment came from. Was it more of an 'oh here we go again'?
Don't feel I'm invalidating your feelings but looks like you're both stuck in a vicious cycle. He ignored you, you felt unloved. You checked up on him then chastised him. He clears up but it's not enough coz he left your plate. You feel he deliberately left yours as a statement and when you confront him he implies your lazy. He thinks 'since when has it been my job to be the maid'....now he's threatening to leave and you're crying.
Others have said this but differently. Tell him you're not sure you want this either, something needs to change or you want to be alone.
Give a deadline and then ask him what his plan is. His plan should only involve what he's going to do (or not do), likewise yours. You can't say I want you to text me. He can't say I want you to stop nagging.

You've 2 young children. This is the most stressful time of any relationship and when many couples fall. Hopefully you'll both come up with a plan.


I

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JayJayj · 11/06/2023 10:00

Your children will be better off coming from a broken home than living with a farther that is emotionally abusive. Which is what he is.

Of course he should be checking in. 16 hours is ridiculous.

Also stop doing anything for him. Don’t wash his clothes, don’t cook for him or anything. With having children you still may have to tidy up some of his stuff of course but do nothing else. He is an Asians he can do it himself.

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Honeylover333 · 11/06/2023 11:10

PonyPatter44 · 02/10/2022 17:09

How will your children have a happy childhood if they see their mum constantly unhappy, and their dad constantly bullying her? Doesn't sound like much of a recipe for a happy childhood to me.

This, 100%.

I’d try to talk things through with him, perhaps with a couple counsellor. But if he doesn’t pull himself together pretty fast, I would give up on him.

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Sceptre86 · 11/06/2023 11:16

Parents not being together may well be upsetting. Parents that argue regularly and model unhealthy behaviour or emotional abuse is also damaging to children. You only get one life and deserve to lead a happy one.

His behaviour isn't normal and is indicative of someone who has already checked out. He's using this as a way of getting you to never question him. You need to assess your life.

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EyelessArseFace · 11/06/2023 11:19

ZOMBIE thread

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endofthelinefinally · 11/06/2023 11:26

I would put money on his already having OW waiting in the wings. He is setting you up to take the blame for when he leaves.
Get your ducks in a row wrt the necessary information and paperwork, don't discuss with him.
I reckon he will keep on at this.

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endofthelinefinally · 11/06/2023 11:28

Oh. just seen it is a zombie.

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Outofthepark · 11/06/2023 13:59

GreenLeavesRustling · 02/10/2022 17:03

He sounds like a controlling knob.

The message is clear from him. He's saying accept his abuse or he will leave. LET HIM LEAVE!! You and your kids deserve SO much better than this.

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