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AIBU?

DH says he's leaving me if this continues

332 replies

Pompomqueen · 02/10/2022 17:02

I have an infant and a toddler.

DH told me today 'I can't go on like this, if it continues I'm leaving'

We had 2 arguments this wkend where I felt he was in the wrong. He then said if we have any more he would be leaving me.

First one, he went on a lads night out. Didn't contact me for 16 hrs. I saw he'd been online. Granted I sent a msg in the morning saying no reply to my msg? Instead of 'good night hunny'.... He was like oh sorry didn't realise I had to check in at regular intervals.

Second one, he cleared away everyone's stuff after lunch except mine. I took this as passive aggressive and said so. He shook his head and said I should put my stuff away after using it. Fair enough, but I clear his stuff all the time. He said it was no big deal but I got upset saying it made me feel embarrassed and that it incenuated that I don't pull my weight...
Then he said 'I'm sick of this, I'm going to leave if this contnues'.

I feel unless I am miss happy I have the threat of being a single mother looming over my head.

In those arguments was I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
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Am I being unreasonable?

2000 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
6%
You are NOT being unreasonable
94%
LeilaRose777 · 11/06/2023 14:05

Pompomqueen · 02/10/2022 17:07

I just can't bear the thought of my children being from a broken home. I will do anything in my power to give them a happy childhood even if I sacrifice my own happiness. I know first hand how traumatic your parents not being together can be. Has anyone been in this situation. Can anyone give me some advice?

Yes, my advice is this: leave this sad babyman before he wrecks your life and your children's life. Do you really think that sacrificing your own happiness will make your children happy? How does that work?

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jacks11 · 11/06/2023 14:46

I think it’s clear your relationship isn’t in a great place and he is being unreasonable (and petty) to clear up after everyone but you. Threatening to leave if there are arguments is very manipulative- it’s a good way to make sure your behaviour is never challenged and things done your way. It’s not on- I think you need to tackle this (and be prepared to do something about it if things don’t change) because it’s no way to live.

with regards the messages, I think you probably were a bit OTT- if my partner is out I don’t need them to check in with me/check on me or be in contact unless there is a specific problem. Likewise, if I am out then I expect and trust my DH to look after our children without my input. So unless he had said “I’ll be back at 10pm” but hadn’t rolled in by 2am or something, I wouldn’t be messaging him/expecting him to contact me. The slightly sarky “no response to my message then” message would have irritated me too. But I would have dealt with it differently. So you were both wrong there.

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AHugeTinyMistake · 11/06/2023 15:00

ZOMBIE

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Whataretalkingabout · 11/06/2023 18:02

Dear OP, so many of us here have lived through what you are experiencing. Of course you love the father of your children and for nothing in the world would you like to ruin that. I understand totally. The problem is when we are young and new mothers we don't realize how vulnerable we are and how powerful our DHs have become. Men really love to feel powerful; it is irrational and they are willing to abuse their wives to keep feeling this power. But why do some DHs abuse their DWs and others don't? Because in reality these men who do are actually insecure and afraid deep down inside of themselves that if they don't have the upper hand they fear you will become too powerful and squash their fragile egos. This is a huge irrational fear and it overpowers their conscious minds and normal manner of relating with you. I am making fun of noone here.

Often this may be completely unconscious in these men, however they are very afraid and will continue to act in ridiculous and hurtful ways to convince themselves and you that they are powerful and in control. They really love you and are desperate to keep you. But they act in a paradoxical way and do the opposite of what you would expect. They abuse you.

So what do we do? We are afraid of losing our safe family and home so we cede our power even though we know better. And paradoxically, we too do the opposite of what we should do. We accept the abuse . Now this is exactly the wrong thing to do to keep our family balanced and intact. What we really should do is reestablish our own power by pushing back- not by caving in. And it really is so easy! Why don't we do it? I have no idea. So many women, and myself included, do the wrong thing. In so many cases we wait until the power imbalance has become completely upended and then we have to leave the relationship, ( often but not always). Both husband and wife contribute to the downfall of the relationship depending on how they react to each other.

So what can we do to save it? Have you ever bid on a house or a car? something you really need and want ? Well if you want to be sure and get it at the right price without the seller taking advantage of your desire and position , what do you have to do? You have to be prepared to walk away with nothing. You have to make yourself vulnerable to loosing what you want in order to obtain it at a reasonable cost, another paradox. When the salesman sees you walking away he will immediately change his tune. You have shown that you have the power to obtain what you want. In a relationship it is very similar. It is often called bluffing, but I think you do have to sincerely believe in your own power that you refuse to accept bad treatment and are willing to stand up to him and say no, I will not take this treatment. And only by putting yourself in this extremely vulnerable position and being prepared to walk away do you win your power back.

Never in a million years will he expect to hear from you that you are ready to accept that he wants to leave you. He is really bluffing you himself! As long as you continue to be prepared to walk away every time he tries to mistreat you, he will back down and stop abusing you and begin treating you with respect. The more respect you demand, the more you will get because you will not put up with his abuse on any condition. And if you start acting this way in the beginning of the relationship while the abuse is small( he is testing you) and disallowing abuse right away ( and more easily ) you can establish a better balance of power and set up a healthy precedent for the lifetime of your relationship.
I believe it as simple as this.
Take your power back OP.

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tkwal · 10/07/2023 22:34

You are effectively a single mother already, he's of no use to you and accepting his behaviour sets a bad example to your children. You can try mediation or counselling if you want to stay with him but things can't go on as they are. Sorry to be so blunt , but lifes too short !

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123becauseicouldntthinkofone · 11/07/2023 15:50

Sometimes parents being together who shouldnt be can be just as or if not more traumatic than being from a 'broken home' (i hate that saying). You just need to call his bluff as everyone says.

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Balloonhearts · 11/07/2023 16:11

I'd tell him to go ahead but maybe wait a few months so suitcases will be on half price.

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