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AIBU?

DH says he's leaving me if this continues

332 replies

Pompomqueen · 02/10/2022 17:02

I have an infant and a toddler.

DH told me today 'I can't go on like this, if it continues I'm leaving'

We had 2 arguments this wkend where I felt he was in the wrong. He then said if we have any more he would be leaving me.

First one, he went on a lads night out. Didn't contact me for 16 hrs. I saw he'd been online. Granted I sent a msg in the morning saying no reply to my msg? Instead of 'good night hunny'.... He was like oh sorry didn't realise I had to check in at regular intervals.

Second one, he cleared away everyone's stuff after lunch except mine. I took this as passive aggressive and said so. He shook his head and said I should put my stuff away after using it. Fair enough, but I clear his stuff all the time. He said it was no big deal but I got upset saying it made me feel embarrassed and that it incenuated that I don't pull my weight...
Then he said 'I'm sick of this, I'm going to leave if this contnues'.

I feel unless I am miss happy I have the threat of being a single mother looming over my head.

In those arguments was I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
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Am I being unreasonable?

2000 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
6%
You are NOT being unreasonable
94%
Emotionalsupportviper · 02/10/2022 18:10

Pompomqueen · 02/10/2022 17:07

I just can't bear the thought of my children being from a broken home. I will do anything in my power to give them a happy childhood even if I sacrifice my own happiness. I know first hand how traumatic your parents not being together can be. Has anyone been in this situation. Can anyone give me some advice?

Parents who stay together unhappily are equally as damaging - perhaps more so.

No matter how you try you won't be able to keep your arguments and your distress/ anger/ frustration from your children. it will be unsettling and terrifying for them - I speak from experience go growing up in a family like that.

ANd sooner or later they will feel they have to take sides, and that is damaging for them, too.

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Murdoch1949 · 02/10/2022 18:11

Easy for us outsiders to say, but he's being a knob, consider your future. Call his bluff.

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TamzinTotally · 02/10/2022 18:11

ItsAutumnThen · 02/10/2022 18:09

I'm not sure it's entirely productive to recommend leaving the father of your two very young children as if it's as easy as buying milk.

I'm really sorry you're going through this, sounds very tough and I would feel exactly the same about wanting to keep things stable for my children even at my expense, I do understand that.

My advice would be to try to find a way to have an open discussion with your partner. Having young kids can be brutal at times and if this behaviour is new perhaps he is struggling with the change. I'm not excusing his behaviour at all because it really is not okay and he can't threaten to leave after every confrontation. I'm wondering if he is struggling with the changes that come with being a parent, do you think you could get some time just the two of you to go for a walk and try to have a bit of an open discussion about how each other is feeling and how you can move forward - (I'm recommending a walk as in my experience men tend to open up more when it doesn't feel like a direct face to face discussion).

@ItsAutumnThen

This is by far the best post on the thread.
Thisnis two instances of rudeness at a stressful time - try to work it out and see what happens. If he continues to be a dick over and over then yes leaving is an option. But again this is just a few minor things.

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arethereanyleftatall · 02/10/2022 18:12

@TamzinTotally
Absolutely and utterly 100% they are happier. We dance, we sing, we laugh round the house. We have a very happy home. As does my ex in his new house.
It is far better for them than the negativity and resentment that seeped from the pores of this house before our divorce. Thank you for your concern, but I can assure you, they're thriving.

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Autumninnewyork · 02/10/2022 18:12

Pompomqueen · 02/10/2022 17:07

I just can't bear the thought of my children being from a broken home. I will do anything in my power to give them a happy childhood even if I sacrifice my own happiness. I know first hand how traumatic your parents not being together can be. Has anyone been in this situation. Can anyone give me some advice?

It’s not about sacrificing your happiness. That’s a really unhelpful way of looking at it. The question is whether together you can come to a way forward that works for everyone. Not sacrificing yourself which isn’t going to help anyone and definitely not your children. Can you sit down with him while no one is annoyed and explain calmly how you are feeling and ask how he is etc etc and see if you can find some common ground and a way forward. If not and he tries to blame you for the problems then there’s not much you can do. You shouldn’t expose your children to living in an emotionally unhealthy environment - you wouldn’t be doing them any favours.

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noirchatsdeux · 02/10/2022 18:14

@Workinghardeveryday Ditto. My father finally left when I was 21, for another woman. I'm now 54, and I have zero respect, and in fact a lot of contempt, for my mother for playing the martyr. She sacrificed mine and my two brother's childhood for her marriage. I've been very low contact with her for 26 years and haven't actually seen her for 13.

I despise martyrs and emotional blackmailers.

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FluffySocksAndHotChocolate · 02/10/2022 18:14

He's trying to leave you, but make you be the reason why he's left so he's not the bad guy.
Tell him gtfo.

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gold22 · 02/10/2022 18:16

Pompomqueen · 02/10/2022 17:07

I just can't bear the thought of my children being from a broken home. I will do anything in my power to give them a happy childhood even if I sacrifice my own happiness. I know first hand how traumatic your parents not being together can be. Has anyone been in this situation. Can anyone give me some advice?

How does your husband being a dickhead contribute to a happy home 🙄 . A home can be broken without the parents being split up and it's that scenario which has a larger effect on kids.

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arethereanyleftatall · 02/10/2022 18:16

Sometimes, I really wish posters who encourage a woman to remain in a deeply unhappy, miserable marriage could be banned. It's so unhelpful. The op will cling to it, seize it, and carry on being miserable, with a miserable family, and the circle will continue. The op needs support to help accept there's no shame in divorce.

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TamzinTotally · 02/10/2022 18:18

arethereanyleftatall · 02/10/2022 18:12

@TamzinTotally
Absolutely and utterly 100% they are happier. We dance, we sing, we laugh round the house. We have a very happy home. As does my ex in his new house.
It is far better for them than the negativity and resentment that seeped from the pores of this house before our divorce. Thank you for your concern, but I can assure you, they're thriving.

@arethereanyleftatall

Again you wouldn’t really know though would you? Like they’re hardly going to come out and say it to you.
Divorced parents often also has bigger consequences on teens and adults (teen girls seeking male validation in the wrong places and teen boys more resentful of women who they feel insecure will leave them/take the kids from them). Then these attitudes can continue into adult life sometimes.

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MMUmum · 02/10/2022 18:18

Sounds to me like he's trying to create an excuse to leave, I'd be very suspicious🤔🤔

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Liorae · 02/10/2022 18:18

Pompomqueen · 02/10/2022 17:04

@ExtraOnions new behaviour. Mainly since having kids.

Did he want and plan the kids?

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Scottishmum95 · 02/10/2022 18:18

YANBU.

Do you believe he would actually leave you? Is this an escalation in his behaviour?

I had an ex when I was younger who was lovely but gradually got more controlling. He used to threaten me with leaving me if I cried over an argument, never enjoyed talking about our disagreements, it then escalated to pushing me against walls to shut me up if I tried to confront him about something that hurt me e.g. out for weekend benders & not checking in, no texts for days or coming home, then it got controlling. Picking apart my clothes, making comments & then going through my phone. I ended it, it broke my heart but looking back I realised I got out in time.

Does he make you happy? How is he with the kids? Can you afford to be a single parent? How would HE react if you went out for hours with friends and didn’t reply?

Ask yourself these questions. Maybe call his bluff. He sounds like he’s trying to avoid any confrontation by gagging you with threats and forcing you to not mention it by making you walk on eggshells.

hugs ❤️❤️❤️

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DetroitCityBlues · 02/10/2022 18:18

Your children will be far unhappier with mom and dad fighting all the time, than they would if you leave. They will have far more respect for you if you put having a peaceful home first. You are risking making the children resent you for forcing them to grow up with the sickening feeling that mom and dad are fighting again. Just leave him, be happy for yourself, and protect the kids from the fighting. He sounds like he will leave anyway.

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arethereanyleftatall · 02/10/2022 18:19

@TamzinTotally
Oh course I know. They're my children, you twit. We talk.

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TamzinTotally · 02/10/2022 18:19

arethereanyleftatall · 02/10/2022 18:16

Sometimes, I really wish posters who encourage a woman to remain in a deeply unhappy, miserable marriage could be banned. It's so unhelpful. The op will cling to it, seize it, and carry on being miserable, with a miserable family, and the circle will continue. The op needs support to help accept there's no shame in divorce.

@arethereanyleftatall

Oh yes, just ban anyone who has a difference of opinion from you. Anything other than what you think is right is harmful and must be silenced.

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girlmom21 · 02/10/2022 18:20

@TamzinTotally are you staying with a cunt husband because you think it will damage your children to leave him, too?

My parents separated and it's absolutely the best thing that could have happened for me and my siblings.

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AnwenDolly · 02/10/2022 18:21

Unfortunately, I don't think this is your decision to make.

I think he has already decided to leave and wants to blame you and for you to blame yourself. This is a depressingly common strategy that certain types of men (and sadly a few women) go for when they want to wriggle out of a relationship and/or responsibilities.

He's a cowardly bastard and you will eventually realise that you are happier without him.

It won't be easy, but you have to let him go while you still have your dignity.

Good luck. ❤️

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TamzinTotally · 02/10/2022 18:22

And I didn’t say there was shame in divorce that is you being triggered and reading into my posts.
I said often kids were made very unhappy (both as kids and adults) by divorce despite what some people (coincidentally those who have left marriages) say.

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Tsort · 02/10/2022 18:22

TamzinTotally · 02/10/2022 18:18

@arethereanyleftatall

Again you wouldn’t really know though would you? Like they’re hardly going to come out and say it to you.
Divorced parents often also has bigger consequences on teens and adults (teen girls seeking male validation in the wrong places and teen boys more resentful of women who they feel insecure will leave them/take the kids from them). Then these attitudes can continue into adult life sometimes.

So, this isn’t you dismissing someone else’s experiences because they don’t align with what you want to be true?

You're ALL OVER this thread, pushing this narrative, arguing with anyone who has had different experiences and basically coming across as slightly unhinged. I’m sorry your parents splitting had such a negative impact on you, but it wasn’t the case for all of us and insisting that it must be isn’t going to make us advise a woman to stay in an unhappy marriage.

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HowzAboutIt · 02/10/2022 18:22

Pompomqueen · 02/10/2022 17:07

I just can't bear the thought of my children being from a broken home. I will do anything in my power to give them a happy childhood even if I sacrifice my own happiness. I know first hand how traumatic your parents not being together can be. Has anyone been in this situation. Can anyone give me some advice?

2 of my dcs were mainly brought up in my marriage. Both have MH problems.

The others were mainly brought up by me as a single mother. Calm, happy, sorted. As you can imagine, I wish I had ended my marriage years earlier.

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arethereanyleftatall · 02/10/2022 18:22

I always assume that @girlmom21
Posters who encourage this are deeply unhappy too, and desperate to think it's normal.

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beastlyslumber · 02/10/2022 18:22

I know first hand how traumatic your parents not being together can be.

Do you know how traumatic it can be to watch your mother being abused by your father, and she says it's for your benefit?

He is abusing you, and he's abusing your kids. That's traumatic.

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Runningintolife · 02/10/2022 18:22

Model to your children that they are important by treating yourself as important.

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slowquickstep · 02/10/2022 18:22

He is trying his best to get you to throw him out. He doesn't want to be seen to be the big bad parent leaving his children so he will force you into doing it. Play him at his own game, make sure everyone knows how bloody awful he is and force him into leaving. He doesn't care for you or respect you.

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