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AIBU?

DH says he's leaving me if this continues

332 replies

Pompomqueen · 02/10/2022 17:02

I have an infant and a toddler.

DH told me today 'I can't go on like this, if it continues I'm leaving'

We had 2 arguments this wkend where I felt he was in the wrong. He then said if we have any more he would be leaving me.

First one, he went on a lads night out. Didn't contact me for 16 hrs. I saw he'd been online. Granted I sent a msg in the morning saying no reply to my msg? Instead of 'good night hunny'.... He was like oh sorry didn't realise I had to check in at regular intervals.

Second one, he cleared away everyone's stuff after lunch except mine. I took this as passive aggressive and said so. He shook his head and said I should put my stuff away after using it. Fair enough, but I clear his stuff all the time. He said it was no big deal but I got upset saying it made me feel embarrassed and that it incenuated that I don't pull my weight...
Then he said 'I'm sick of this, I'm going to leave if this contnues'.

I feel unless I am miss happy I have the threat of being a single mother looming over my head.

In those arguments was I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
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Am I being unreasonable?

2000 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
6%
You are NOT being unreasonable
94%
Eeiliethya · 02/10/2022 17:15

And, if he doesn't respect you and walks out just because you've expressed displeasure at his unreasonable behaviour then he's done you and the kids a favour by fucking off out of it.

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ElizabethBest · 02/10/2022 17:16

Pompomqueen · 02/10/2022 17:07

I just can't bear the thought of my children being from a broken home. I will do anything in my power to give them a happy childhood even if I sacrifice my own happiness. I know first hand how traumatic your parents not being together can be. Has anyone been in this situation. Can anyone give me some advice?

Being a martyr is not going to give your children a happy home. It’s going to make them feel guilty when they realise. If you want your children to grow up happy and confident then be a role model for it.

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MistyGreenAndBlue · 02/10/2022 17:16

Pompomqueen · 02/10/2022 17:07

I just can't bear the thought of my children being from a broken home. I will do anything in my power to give them a happy childhood even if I sacrifice my own happiness. I know first hand how traumatic your parents not being together can be. Has anyone been in this situation. Can anyone give me some advice?

He knows all this. Hence the threats. It's to keep you in line.
He won't leave. He has no intention of leaving. But you should.

Far better a "broken home" than an abused mother.

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Isitsixoclockalready · 02/10/2022 17:18

Best example of blackmail that I've seen in a while.

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Freshstarts22 · 02/10/2022 17:18

Pompomqueen · 02/10/2022 17:07

I just can't bear the thought of my children being from a broken home. I will do anything in my power to give them a happy childhood even if I sacrifice my own happiness. I know first hand how traumatic your parents not being together can be. Has anyone been in this situation. Can anyone give me some advice?

A broken home takes many different forms. Living with 2 parents who are unhappy and modelling poor relationships will be much more detrimental than seperated happy parents.

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cptartapp · 02/10/2022 17:18

Tell him he can clear off as soon as he likes, as long as you've arranged between you which half of every week he will do sole 24/7 care of his children.

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shipwreckedonhighseas · 02/10/2022 17:19

I would carefully think through options. He is picking fights and being awful to you. This is a toxic environment.

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veganmayo · 02/10/2022 17:19

To be honest it sounds like he’s ready to leave and is just setting up a (pathetic) trap by warning you that he’s going to do it and then giving you reasons to be upset with him (aka ‘continuing like this’). Your examples and his responses sound like he’s already checked out.

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SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 02/10/2022 17:19

He is being absolutely horrible, threatening to leave is so abusive. Are you going to never ever be able to question him, disagree or argue? You will become like a miserable slave and it is a very bad example for your children, who cannot be happy if their mum is so sad and controlled. If he carries on you will be left with no choice but to leave because living like that will affect your mental health. Call his bluff, if he does leave, well, he was planning to anyway and he just wanted to make it your fault. If he stays you will be able to stand strong in your opinions and have a happy home for your children to thrive.

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JanglyBeads · 02/10/2022 17:19

What happened with your parents, OP?

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EKGEMS · 02/10/2022 17:20

I beg you to rethink your willingness to stay in a dysfunctional relationship for your children-it is hell on earth to grow up with angry,bitter parents who are constantly at each other's throats or one to be abused by the other-your children will be better off in a peaceful home with a single parent

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rwalker · 02/10/2022 17:21

I think the first incident caused the second
each to there own but we never check up or feel the need to contact each other when we’re out separately with friends
i would of ignored that message if u would of sent it to me tbh

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BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 02/10/2022 17:21

Quit with the broken home narrative.

A home where a woman has to meekly follow her husband and never question his actions out of fear is broken.

Your kids will not thank you for staying. It will fuck up their ability to formulate healthy relationships as adults.

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C8H10N4O2 · 02/10/2022 17:21

Pompomqueen · 02/10/2022 17:07

I just can't bear the thought of my children being from a broken home. I will do anything in my power to give them a happy childhood even if I sacrifice my own happiness. I know first hand how traumatic your parents not being together can be. Has anyone been in this situation. Can anyone give me some advice?

How do you feel about your children growing up learning that men are knobs and women comply with their threats?

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TabithaTittlemouse · 02/10/2022 17:22

Pompomqueen · 02/10/2022 17:07

I just can't bear the thought of my children being from a broken home. I will do anything in my power to give them a happy childhood even if I sacrifice my own happiness. I know first hand how traumatic your parents not being together can be. Has anyone been in this situation. Can anyone give me some advice?

This isn’t giving them a happy childhood though. A controlling dad and a mum afraid of putting a foot wrong.

It sounds like he wants to split but wants to make it seem like your fault.

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Workinghardeveryday · 02/10/2022 17:22

My parents stayed together for my brother and I. I had an utterly miserable childhood.

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RiftGibbon · 02/10/2022 17:22

monicagellerbing · 02/10/2022 17:13

Why come on here asking for advice if you have no intention of leaving him? Your children will pick up on how miserable you are and how controlling he is if you stay.

This.
Normalising unhappiness and a sham marriage is not a recipe for success. If you want to set a good example, then live it. Get rid of the useless waste of skin that is your husband, and you can continue parenting in a calmer environment.

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Imissmoominmama · 02/10/2022 17:22

Do you want to be unhappy? That’s what he’s choosing to do.

Tell him to go.

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Sheenqueen · 02/10/2022 17:23

Is there more to this OP. Seems an extreme reaction to what seems like minor arguments.

And why did you feel embarrassed about him not clearing your plate? It is an interesting emotion for something such as this.

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bloodyunicorns · 02/10/2022 17:23

Your kids will be much happier with a happy mum than they will be being brought up in this atmosphere, where you're treading on eggshells all the time and your h doesn't like you.

Sounds like he wants to split but isn't brave enough to say it?

I'd call his bluff. You deserve much better than this!

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Freshstarts22 · 02/10/2022 17:25

Is he older than you or a high earner?

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Oneandone · 02/10/2022 17:25

When he's calm you need to tell him that petty arguments are relatively normal in a marriage/long term relationship, especially with two young children and stress sleep deprivation etc... However you won't tolerate threats to leave. That's not ok even if an empty threat. You should be able to feel secure enough to tell him when he's pissed you off without being worried he will leave you.

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AtrociousCircumstance · 02/10/2022 17:25

What a nasty little man. Sorry OP. His behaviour is so provocative - he wants to get a reaction. Sounds like he wants an excuse to fuck off. And make it your fault. But it’s not.

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HyggeandTea · 02/10/2022 17:26

Sweetheart, please do not let anyone threaten you in this way.
You are a grown up and a mother of children; he has no right to try and bring you into line.
Also decent people care for each other, they check in because that's the respectful thing to do; they help each other because they like to do nice things.
Talk, stay calm, stay in control. His reaction and effort (or lack of) should tell you what you need to know.

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SarahSissions · 02/10/2022 17:27

He sounds like he wants out, but wants you to be at fault- so he’s wearing you down so when he goes it will be because of something “you did”… in reality he has already ended it mentally- he is just looking for you to give him the reason

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