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AIBU?

DH says he's leaving me if this continues

332 replies

Pompomqueen · 02/10/2022 17:02

I have an infant and a toddler.

DH told me today 'I can't go on like this, if it continues I'm leaving'

We had 2 arguments this wkend where I felt he was in the wrong. He then said if we have any more he would be leaving me.

First one, he went on a lads night out. Didn't contact me for 16 hrs. I saw he'd been online. Granted I sent a msg in the morning saying no reply to my msg? Instead of 'good night hunny'.... He was like oh sorry didn't realise I had to check in at regular intervals.

Second one, he cleared away everyone's stuff after lunch except mine. I took this as passive aggressive and said so. He shook his head and said I should put my stuff away after using it. Fair enough, but I clear his stuff all the time. He said it was no big deal but I got upset saying it made me feel embarrassed and that it incenuated that I don't pull my weight...
Then he said 'I'm sick of this, I'm going to leave if this contnues'.

I feel unless I am miss happy I have the threat of being a single mother looming over my head.

In those arguments was I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
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Am I being unreasonable?

2000 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
6%
You are NOT being unreasonable
94%
TheClitterati · 02/10/2022 17:28

He's be doing you a favour.

Or you could leave him first. He sounds very unpleasant

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IncompleteSenten · 02/10/2022 17:29

In those examples he is being an absolute arsehole.

Stfu, I'll do what I want when I want or I'm out. That's despicable.

Let him go.

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Tigerbus · 02/10/2022 17:29

Can you challenge him after the day is done? You cannot go into the heated discussion with fear so the broken home fear needs to be put aside for you to be back in your power.

Revisit the lads night. Ask him what he would expect to do if the shoe is on the other foot. Ask him if his father did the same to him - abandoned his family like that?

State what you will do the next time he behaves single (take this to the extended family, change the locks, contact his friends asking if he's in a&e) and remind him that you're not afraid to follow through with these actions because for you - your children come first.

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Brigante9 · 02/10/2022 17:29

Pompomqueen · 02/10/2022 17:07

I just can't bear the thought of my children being from a broken home. I will do anything in my power to give them a happy childhood even if I sacrifice my own happiness. I know first hand how traumatic your parents not being together can be. Has anyone been in this situation. Can anyone give me some advice?

But they’ll have a shit childhood if you and their dad are constantly arguing. It sounds like unless you do as he wants, he won’t be happy.

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Quartz2208 · 02/10/2022 17:31

Pompomqueen · 02/10/2022 17:07

I just can't bear the thought of my children being from a broken home. I will do anything in my power to give them a happy childhood even if I sacrifice my own happiness. I know first hand how traumatic your parents not being together can be. Has anyone been in this situation. Can anyone give me some advice?

Staying wont give them a happy home.

It actuallyisnt in your power - sacrificing yourself is the WORSE thing for a child.

This is an awful environment for a child.

Talk to him say that you cannot always be happy and he is either accpeting of that and the partnership or he needs to leave.

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Bananarama21 · 02/10/2022 17:32

Sounds like he has another woman, gone for 16 hrs and not being in touch, change in behaviour, not wanting to help

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Noteverybodylives · 02/10/2022 17:32

YABU

This is not a happy relationship and arguing all of the time is not fair on the children.

If the arguing continues then I agree with him that the relationship needs to end for the DCs sake.

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bigknickersbigknockers · 02/10/2022 17:32

He obviously knows you will do anything to keep your family together so shock the hell out of him and hand him a suitcase and tell him to clear off and take his threats with him

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Cornflakegirll · 02/10/2022 17:36

Very gently, it’s not a happy healthy family life for your babies if he’s leaving you without contact for 16 hours and then inciting arguments.

It sounds to me as if he’s pushing for these arguments and is looking to drive a wedge in your relationship.

I also agree with poster above re other woman, I’ve seen this pattern A LOT!

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ILoveRumblyRabbit · 02/10/2022 17:36

Pompomqueen · 02/10/2022 17:07

I just can't bear the thought of my children being from a broken home. I will do anything in my power to give them a happy childhood even if I sacrifice my own happiness. I know first hand how traumatic your parents not being together can be. Has anyone been in this situation. Can anyone give me some advice?

Can I tell you how traumatic it is to be the child of 2 parent with a dysfunctional relationship; fighting, controlling and abusive behaviour? The damage showed in childhood and has lasted a lifetime; mental health problems, PTSD and ingrained behaviours that have all stemmed from that period of my life. I wish my mother had left my dad. Children are not daft, they k ow when things are not right. A stable home of 2 parts is far less traumatic than growing up in one toxic one.

It might be worth seeking some therapy for yourself to try and unpick what is happening here, it may give you a different perspective to help you make the right decisions for you and your children going forward.

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Tsort · 02/10/2022 17:36

Pompomqueen · 02/10/2022 17:07

I just can't bear the thought of my children being from a broken home. I will do anything in my power to give them a happy childhood even if I sacrifice my own happiness. I know first hand how traumatic your parents not being together can be. Has anyone been in this situation. Can anyone give me some advice?

This is melodramatic nonsense.

An abusive controlling arse of a father and a mother who tolerates being treated like shite are considerably more traumatic than being ‘from a broken home’. My advice is to tell him to fuck off.

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Choconut · 02/10/2022 17:37

If you put up with this then what's next? He'll soon learn that he can say and do whatever he wants and you'll put up with it because you're terrified he might leave. That'a not a position anyone should be in.

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girlmom21 · 02/10/2022 17:37

Your parents being separated and amicable is nowhere near as damaging as living in a toxic household.

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custardbear · 02/10/2022 17:38

WhT an arsehole! I'd serve his dinner raw and tell him he needs to cook his own dinner ... tosser

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IdontlikeVimto · 02/10/2022 17:40

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Pixiedust1234 · 02/10/2022 17:40

Pompomqueen · 02/10/2022 17:07

I just can't bear the thought of my children being from a broken home. I will do anything in my power to give them a happy childhood even if I sacrifice my own happiness. I know first hand how traumatic your parents not being together can be. Has anyone been in this situation. Can anyone give me some advice?

My parents stayed together, it was very traumatic . Your kids won't have a happy childhood because they will see what is happening and will be very insecure. You CANNOT hide it.

Let him go. Both you and the kids will be happier.

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TamzinTotally · 02/10/2022 17:41

I don’t know, the examples you’ve given seem like some petty bullshit from him but maybe it’s a boiling over of stress and stuff from young kids. Not fair to you but it can happen. There’s also the possibility that with young kids you are also tired and hormonal and perhaps are coming off in ways (controlling? Moody?) you don’t intend to be.

I would let it settle. It’s a tough time with real small kids sometimes and everyone can get stressed and pissy.

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Liz1tummypain · 02/10/2022 17:42

People can change. And he needs to. Perhaps suggest you both go to counselling. He might not be expecting you to take it seriously. Hard for us to know his personality ( although he does seem unsuited to parenting ). Good luck and best wishes

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LordEmsworth · 02/10/2022 17:42

I just can't bear the thought of my children being from a broken home. YABU. YABU. YABU. It's not the 1950s any more, lots of children grow up in "broken homes" and are happier there than they ever were in the perfect 2-parent household where they had to watch misery being played out every day.

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Mojoj · 02/10/2022 17:43

Not sure what you want everyone on here to say? You must know he's very clearly acting like a big spoilt child, wanting everything his own way. Men like this only get worse when they become fathers. Either put up with it (and make your kids and yourself miserable) or the next time, he threatens to leave, go and look out his suitcase.

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TamzinTotally · 02/10/2022 17:43

Also all this stuff about the kids will be so happy if you break up and they get to see you happy with another man is pure fantasy. Most kids aren’t happier with a broken home as opposed to a relatively calm, imperfect perhaps, but stable one.

Kids being better off with divorced parents is a common fantasy on here which many posters want to believe because they identify with the woman wanting to leave so of course they want the choice they would make to be the “best” one.

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ArtixLynx · 02/10/2022 17:44

Call his bluff.

Tell him he knows where the door is next time he threatens to leave.

Honestly, its scary, but your kids will be better off, and happier in 2 happy homes than one miserable one.

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Thepeopleversuswork · 02/10/2022 17:44

Pompomqueen · 02/10/2022 17:07

I just can't bear the thought of my children being from a broken home. I will do anything in my power to give them a happy childhood even if I sacrifice my own happiness. I know first hand how traumatic your parents not being together can be. Has anyone been in this situation. Can anyone give me some advice?

OP trust me your children will be far happier with two separated but happy parents than living with an abusive, entitled dad and a mum who is miserable and walking on egg shells all the time.

Your kids will observe this awful behaviour from him and you being a martyr and wish you could split.

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Perfect28 · 02/10/2022 17:44

Better be from a happy home of a single parent than this horrible situation.

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Noteverybodylives · 02/10/2022 17:45

I just can't bear the thought of my children being from a broken home.

Well if he leaves you, you won’t have a choice.

You’re also staying for your own selfish reasons.
Please don’t put the blame on the children.

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