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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH says he's leaving me if this continues

332 replies

Pompomqueen · 02/10/2022 17:02

I have an infant and a toddler.

DH told me today 'I can't go on like this, if it continues I'm leaving'

We had 2 arguments this wkend where I felt he was in the wrong. He then said if we have any more he would be leaving me.

First one, he went on a lads night out. Didn't contact me for 16 hrs. I saw he'd been online. Granted I sent a msg in the morning saying no reply to my msg? Instead of 'good night hunny'.... He was like oh sorry didn't realise I had to check in at regular intervals.

Second one, he cleared away everyone's stuff after lunch except mine. I took this as passive aggressive and said so. He shook his head and said I should put my stuff away after using it. Fair enough, but I clear his stuff all the time. He said it was no big deal but I got upset saying it made me feel embarrassed and that it incenuated that I don't pull my weight...
Then he said 'I'm sick of this, I'm going to leave if this contnues'.

I feel unless I am miss happy I have the threat of being a single mother looming over my head.

In those arguments was I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
blubberyboo · 02/10/2022 21:57

Sounds like he’s looking excuses to begin checking out of the relationship and setting it up so it will be your fault.

you should be able to have arguments occasionally without fear of him leaving you.

depends how often you argue normally

MiniHouse · 02/10/2022 21:58

I grew up in with two divorced parents. Much better than two together arguing. Witnessing this disrespect from your husband is not good for your kids.

I'd say you need to say that you need to talk. Ask his side and listen.Then explain from your point of view how his behaviour is unkind, passive aggressive, and the affect its having. However, it does sound like he's being flippant and disrespectful and it might be worth saying to him either couples therapy or he should leave.

Mrsmch123 · 02/10/2022 21:58

Honestly a broken home is better than one were your children get raised to think it's ok to talk to people like shit and have miserable parents. Leave the fucker and see how he gets on

MissAtomicBomb1 · 02/10/2022 21:59

Pompomqueen · 02/10/2022 17:07

I just can't bear the thought of my children being from a broken home. I will do anything in my power to give them a happy childhood even if I sacrifice my own happiness. I know first hand how traumatic your parents not being together can be. Has anyone been in this situation. Can anyone give me some advice?

My mum had divorced parents and was determined it would happen to her kids. She put up with a lot of shit from my dad due to this mentality. Basically arguments, physical and verbal abuse, constantly living in a tense, hostile atmosphere were somehow all worth it as long as her kids weren't from a broken home.
Believe me the grass isn't always greener. It's a lot more damaging for your kids to have two unhappy parents.

FelicityFlops · 02/10/2022 22:03

Point 1 - you can always stay married to someone you would marry in the first place.
Point 2 - marriage is a partnership, not a takeover
Point 3 - communication and setting expectations - for both partners

jakscrakers · 02/10/2022 22:13

Coercive control is a severe form of domestic violence experienced by millions of children worldwide. It involves a perpetrator using a range of tactics to intimidate, humiliate, degrade, exploit, isolate and control a partner or family member. Some coercive control perpetrators use violence,

Knockmealdowns · 02/10/2022 22:15

I cant read through 12 pages but can you go out and let him at it with an infant and a toddler and not answer your phone? Someone else has probably suggested this… give him a good taste of flying solo..

Tessabelle74 · 02/10/2022 22:16

I'm sorry but watching your mother get treated like shit is NOT a good upbringing. Your kids will treat you the same as they will think that's what women are there for. He's a knob, kick him out and show your kids that a happy Mum is more important than living with a shitty Dad

Dawncleo62 · 02/10/2022 22:20

RED FLAG!!! Tell him to get his arse into gear or F’ing leave. It’ll be a relief. This Soooo Controlling & BAD News!

UncleBob12 · 02/10/2022 22:23

This reply has been deleted

We've deleted this post as it looked like the work of a troll.

Cakesforever · 02/10/2022 22:32

Is he depressed? Do you have good communication usually? I'd kill this with kindness and honesty. Tell him you feel worried about the two of you and you want to work on it. Counselling/ date nights/ hobby together. Something to take the relationship back in to the place it was pre kids. (Obviously staying is dependent on there being no abuse in the relationship).

Invest in your own life. Make sure you are having nights out for 16 hours to keep it even.

CoffeeLover90 · 02/10/2022 22:33

My parents split when I was young. I don't remember but they didn't get along. I'm not traumatised, I never dreamed for them to be together again either.
If he expects you to be miss happy, he needs to help make you feel that way. He won't do that by sulking like a child.
You're teaching the children that disrespect is OK.
FWIW I couldn't leave my family for 16 hours without checking in myself.
Next time he says he'll leave, tell him there's no need to wait and offer to help pack.
It's not all fun and games being a single parent but, if he's hopefully the kind that will help financially and practically, you'll manage OK.
I know you want to hold onto that dream of family and you're willing to sacrifice yourself for it but your family is the one you created, your kids and a happy mum = happy kids.

beastlyslumber · 02/10/2022 22:35

This reply has been deleted

We've deleted this post as it looked like the work of a troll.

Is this supposed to be some sort of "diss" @UncleBob12 ? Is 12 in your username because that's your actual age?

TheHoover · 02/10/2022 22:37

I agree with blubberyboo
I think he may be looking to check out. It’s not ever reasonable to threaten to leave after an argument.
Confront him. And maybe ask if he is having an affair at the same time (just in case….)

Chickychoccyegg · 02/10/2022 22:40

For goodness sake, you do not give up your self respect and your happiness to stay in a marriage that is dysfunctional, saying its for the dc, how the hell will the dc be happy about that?
Tell him if he doesn't work with you to get things back on track, and stop being a complete dick he can fuck off, the dc will be fine.

Bpdqueen · 02/10/2022 22:59

You say you don't want to split up because you know how traumatising it can be for kids do you also know how traumatising it can be for kids when parents stay together and hate each other

knittingaddict · 02/10/2022 23:01

TamzinTotally · 02/10/2022 19:01

@knittingaddict

Maybe they read some posts, either agree or disagree with some or others then either make a choice (or don’t). Nobody said posting once on the Internet forum meant you had to live your life by the consensus conclusion of that forum.

Show quote history

That's not the point. A simple "thank you for reponding" would be nice sometimes.

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 02/10/2022 23:03

Trust me, having unhappy parents is way more damaging than having parents that aren't together

Novum · 02/10/2022 23:12

Call his bluff. Tell him if he can't discuss issues like a normal grown-up, he can push off with your blessing.

ZooTropia · 02/10/2022 23:15

Pompomqueen · 02/10/2022 17:07

I just can't bear the thought of my children being from a broken home. I will do anything in my power to give them a happy childhood even if I sacrifice my own happiness. I know first hand how traumatic your parents not being together can be. Has anyone been in this situation. Can anyone give me some advice?

Na no, they won't be happy seeing their dick head father treating their mum badly

Milesty1 · 02/10/2022 23:15

If you’ve got two kids together, he doesn’t get to just fuck off for hours, sorry. What if you needed to go out?? He’s letting you be the default parent and that’s not fair. Let him leave, you won’t be any worse off by the sound of it.

Milesty1 · 02/10/2022 23:16

My parents broke up and it was the best thing for us all, they hated each other. Prolonging it will just make it worse.

katepilar · 02/10/2022 23:18

Pompomqueen · 02/10/2022 17:07

I just can't bear the thought of my children being from a broken home. I will do anything in my power to give them a happy childhood even if I sacrifice my own happiness. I know first hand how traumatic your parents not being together can be. Has anyone been in this situation. Can anyone give me some advice?

Growing up with a father who is abusive to their mother is also damaging. You might manage to play happy family on the surface but the childer can easily suffer life long damage.
Life is tough. Sorry you are in this situation.
Sometimes they do this because becaming a father is challenging to them and dont feel they can deal with it. Therapy/counselling might help but obviously he needs to be willing to do it and work hard for the situation get better. I am not even sure what he thinks he doesnt want to continue.

Honeylover333 · 02/10/2022 23:25

Pompomqueen · 02/10/2022 17:07

I just can't bear the thought of my children being from a broken home. I will do anything in my power to give them a happy childhood even if I sacrifice my own happiness. I know first hand how traumatic your parents not being together can be. Has anyone been in this situation. Can anyone give me some advice?

OP, this is heartbreaking. You love your DC so much you’d sacrifice yourself, but that won’t make them happy. Growing up in an unhappy home, unhappiness will be natural to them. Living with an aggressive lout of a father who despises their mother will damage them. That’s what needs to change. If he won’t behave decently, you and DC would bebetter off without him.

magma32 · 02/10/2022 23:26

Ok so you’re saying you’ll become his doormat as long as you don’t split up. This is how abuse victims stay, because someone told them it’s their fault if they ‘break up the family’. Do you have daughters, do you want them to think this is good parenting? Taking shit from a man but it’s better than being divorced? This thinking is so backward because the onus is usually on the woman to put up with shit and then if she tries to leave, she’s breaking up the family. Funny how your husband couldn’t care less as he’s threatening to leave you for trivial reasons. He doesn’t feel the need to put up with anything for the sake of keeping the family together. So how will you do it when it takes two to make it work? Tbh he’s just using excuses to leave so matter how hard you try, it won’t be good enough anyway so why waste your time and dignity and worse, why let your children witness this which no doubt will be emotionally damaging for them.

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