DH says he's leaving me if this continues

[Pompomqueen]

I have an infant and a toddler.

DH told me today 'I can't go on like this, if it continues I'm leaving'

We had 2 arguments this wkend where I felt he was in the wrong. He then said if we have any more he would be leaving me.

First one, he went on a lads night out. Didn't contact me for 16 hrs. I saw he'd been online. Granted I sent a msg in the morning saying no reply to my msg? Instead of 'good night hunny'.... He was like oh sorry didn't realise I had to check in at regular intervals.

Second one, he cleared away everyone's stuff after lunch except mine. I took this as passive aggressive and said so. He shook his head and said I should put my stuff away after using it. Fair enough, but I clear his stuff all the time. He said it was no big deal but I got upset saying it made me feel embarrassed and that it incenuated that I don't pull my weight...
Then he said 'I'm sick of this, I'm going to leave if this contnues'.

I feel unless I am miss happy I have the threat of being a single mother looming over my head.

In those arguments was I being unreasonable?

He’s s prick, he is not going to give your children a happy childhood if he is belittling you

so much this

Your children will know how traumatic it is growing up with a dickhead Dad and unhappy Mum so if I was you I’d get out of this relationship before they’re damaged.
Being a single Mum isn’t a bad thing it’s not the 1800’s.

it's significantly more traumatic to witness abusive dynamics in your parents relationship than it is to be from a more happy separated family

Ur not creating a ‘broken home’ situation if u were to tell this twat to sling his hook! Sacrificing ur own happiness is not the way to go and ur kids will pick up on this! What kind of example are u setting for them? Be a doormat? Or worse, emulate their father and treat people as he does? I hope u can work this out and that ur all happy but if not then show ur kids what behaviours are acceptable and how they and u deserve to be treated!

Being from a broken home is infinitely better than growing up with miserable parents. Especially when one of them is a man child as your husband appears to be.

Everyone who has said "he has already decided to leave you, he is just setting up the deck to make you feel it's your fault" are right. You're going to be a single mother.

He feels since you had the kids, he's no longer the priority and he's getting bored and disengaged. He doesn't see (or care) that as you have kids, you can no longer give him the same level of attention. Are you expected to work too?

The only thing stopping him from walking out now is divorce will be expensive. He would have gone long ago if all he had to worry about was child support. That's why you don't have kids out of wedlock.

Yanbu. He sounds inconsiderate and controlling. Twisting things and threatening to leave you if you speak up.
I stayed in a horrible relationship for 10 years as I wanted my children to have the perfect childhood and the security of parents together. I put up with far too much and I wish I'd left sooner. Its not good for the children for you to stay in a relationship that makes you miserable and for them to see their father disrespect you. You will feel downtrodden, resentful and it will affect your mood if you have to stay silent through fear of him reacting negatively..
You should be allowed to say if something bothers you. If he threatens to leave again offer to help him pack.

@Pompomqueen
I just can't bear the thought of my children being from a broken home. I will do anything in my power to give them a happy childhood even if I sacrifice my own happiness. I know first hand how traumatic your parents not being together can be. Has anyone been in this situation. Can anyone give me some advice?

Yes. The flaw in that plan is that if you give up all your boundaries his behaviour will worsen and the children may not be in a broken home but they will be in an unhappy and dysfunctional one. I'm sorry, it's really shit that you're in this situation. I'm not going to tell you to throw him out, I'm just asking you to not roll over and let him trample all over you. For your sake and also for your children's sake. 🎈< I can't find the bunch of flowers emoji so have a red balloon of loving support from me instead!

He's disrespecting your children by virtue of how he is treating you. I'm sorry this is blunt but reading between the lines from the outside, he's almost trying to tell you he doesn't want to be in the relationship any more. My ex husband used to do this. He was having an affair and left anyway. My kids were 2 and 1 at the time. Really feel for you.

No, you were not being unreasonable in either situation.

If he carries on threatening you like this whenever you rightly speak out, it is emotional abuse. I would much rather my children come from a home where their mother is happy than a home where their mother has been whittled down and their father is noticeably abusive.

I get this OP, but I know first hand how damaging it can be to come from a household where the parents absolutely hated each other but stayed together “for the children”. If he wants to leave, wave him goodbye. Your kids happiness doesn’t depend of having him around if he’s making you feel like crap x

This was my exact thought. It sounds as if he is picking fights and blowing little things out of proportion so he can justify leaving you soon. It’s quite a well established and understood behaviour pattern. He quite possibly hasn’t the balls to say ‘sorry, I want out of this relationship’ at the minute so he is making little things all your fault until either you ding him out or he can pick a big enough argument to just walk out, making you feel like the guilty party. Possibly leaving the door open for him to return when it suits him.
You might well find that there is already a new relationship brewing in his life so he’s paving the way for going.

So sorry if this isn’t what you want to hear, but I remember a friend going through this, repeatedly, with a long term BF.

@Pompomqueen

Speaking as a child of parents who tried to make it work "for the kids" you really need to let that ideal go because it's not ideal.

I heard the arguments, the slagging the other parent off, the petty games. It was shit and damaging.

I have memories of being kicked out of my own bed by one parents and getting banned from my parents bed by the other. Imagine being a child sat on the landing, too frightened to go and sleep on the sofa.

My 40 year old self wishes my parents gave it years before they did because I might actually be good at relationships if they had.

Did you plan on having children and both agree, or were they unplanned?

i was you a few years ago. I eventually left. It wasn’t easy as although DH had anger issues and I constantly felt like I was walking on eggshells we also, a lot of the time, got on really well and enjoyed each other’s company. But in the last year, of 20, I just couldn’t take it any longer. The outbursts just built up in me and I felt I was choking. I wrote about it on here and ir was a resounding LTB. It wasn’t easy but I did it and 2 and a half years later am still muddling through co parenting with him.

The DCs have been fine. They are now 10 and 7. I would say do it now/soonish while they are going and they won’t ever really remember anything different. I am happy and positive I made the right move. I sometimes miss the good times with DH but ir was awful being controlled by his anger and outbursts and i am so glad to no longer be walking on eggshells.

This ⏫

Why don’t people try to help resolve conflict? Instead they recommend destroying a relationship entirely?
wasteful and simplistic.

@UncleBob12 the 1950s called. They want your brain back. Apparently the boffins say it's not fit for purpose. Maybe for your next time travel mission they'll give you a functioning one.

Tell him you will leave instead and he can have the children.

Why does he get to Swan off into the sunset

Your home is already broken. Your children are not stupid so they'll soon notice how badly he treats you. Do them a favour and get rid of your abuser

Does anyone remember that wonderful story a while back, with a similar set up, where the mother was the one who upped and left? She just decided not to tolerate it. It was her daughter posting and it all had a very happy ending, with the daughter viewing her mother as a fanstastic role model who just refused to take any shit.

Let’s be clear about this. If he is behaving like that, your children already live in a broken home. You can have a very happy home as a single parent, having a knob as the parent of your children doesn’t and will never equate to having a happy family.

He may leave. Hope for the best but plan for the worse, if he doesn’t even want to talk to you about whatever issue he has with transitioning from single man with no responsibilities to father and husband in a family, the wise thing to do is to start putting your ducks in a row, who knows? Many men regain respect for their partners when they realise they are not needed.

Yes, this. He thinks he can control your behaviour by hanging the threat of him leaving over your head. So get your ducks in a row, see how you will be financially and work out practically the logistics of going it alone for childcare etc. Once you've worked it all out then next time he says this, say yo him, yes I was thinking the same, that it would be a good idea if you left. Please do, ill be much happier and peaceful with you gone. And stay strong.