DH says he's leaving me if this continues

[Pompomqueen]

I have an infant and a toddler.

DH told me today 'I can't go on like this, if it continues I'm leaving'

We had 2 arguments this wkend where I felt he was in the wrong. He then said if we have any more he would be leaving me.

First one, he went on a lads night out. Didn't contact me for 16 hrs. I saw he'd been online. Granted I sent a msg in the morning saying no reply to my msg? Instead of 'good night hunny'.... He was like oh sorry didn't realise I had to check in at regular intervals.

Second one, he cleared away everyone's stuff after lunch except mine. I took this as passive aggressive and said so. He shook his head and said I should put my stuff away after using it. Fair enough, but I clear his stuff all the time. He said it was no big deal but I got upset saying it made me feel embarrassed and that it incenuated that I don't pull my weight...
Then he said 'I'm sick of this, I'm going to leave if this contnues'.

I feel unless I am miss happy I have the threat of being a single mother looming over my head.

In those arguments was I being unreasonable?

In the end he’s gonna leave you anyway whether you put up with this despicable behaviour or not. With things as they stand at the moment you cannot win. If you wanted to salvage the relationship your best bet would be to kick him out and make him crawl back, make him bloody worship the ground you and those children walk on. And if he doesn’t he was no loss anyway.

I think context is everything. If Dh was on a night out with friends and didn’t respond to my messages for 16 hours, say from 8pm to 12noon the next day, well, I’d assume he was having a fun night out with friends and a lie in the next morning. I wouldn’t expect him to be on his phone to me all night as that’s a bit rude, unless he promised to contact you.

The clearing up, could be okay, could not be. Dh and I often clear up after meals but leave the others plate under the assumption we might want more but haven’t had time to get it. If he’s doing it to be a jerk, that’s different.

It’s super odd to say he’s leaving after two relatively minor things, so that would make me question why he’s looking for an easy way out.

Show him the door and don't look back. agree so much, especially with the 'dont look back' part.

Sounds like he's gaslighting you. Make sure you're surrounding yourself with other people you can rely on. Don't loose yourself whatever choice you make.

Whether you were or not is besides the point. They're petty arguments; but we all have them sometimes. You don't threaten the mother of your two young babies you're going to leave her unless she keeps her mouth shut to make you happy. If he's just snapped and this was a one-off, it's not great, but it's not a deal breaker. If he's a dick like this all the time, I'd be considering my exit strategy...saving money, stockpiling nappies and bigger kids clothes etc., ready for the day I leave.

If what continues? Having a family, having children, having to be responsible father and partner? How long did he think that those things were going to continue. He sounds like an utterly selfish, childish numpty. How about you tell him if this continues he will be asked to leave.

This

My parents stayed together for us. We witnessed arguments and treading on eggshells, we picked up on the sly comments and behaviours you wouldn’t think kids do: the works. It would of been better being from a ‘broken home’ which in my eyes is not the negative situation you think it is.

Sounds as though he is looking for excuses to leave. I would wonder if there is another woman.

Your home is broken. Happy homes with single parents are a fuck of a lot less broken. Honestly when I got divorced not a single person gave a fuck including my 2 toddlers.
The eldest said after a week how nice it was being in a quiet house. When I checked what she meant no one was shouting or angry.

This is not about the lunch plates or the unanswered messages. Find out what is really getting to him.

What you're describing is a broken home.

I come from a broken home. My parents stayed married but we are all fucking destroyed. My parents thought that since they stayed married, nothing else mattered.

I will do anything in my power to give them a happy childhood even if I sacrifice my own happiness.

Would you leave?

My mum also believed this, so I grew up believing this was what a happy relationship looked like and set the bar for my own marriage. I'm in my 30s and have only ever been in controlling and abusive relationships and that's unlikely to change because no matter how much therapy or freedom project courses I go on, I've no idea what a healthy relationship looks like and biting your tongue and accepting whatever is thrown at you in order to save the relationship is the behaviour that has been modelled to me my whole life.

I hate the term "broken home". There's nothing broken about my home. It's full of laughter and love, and games, and silly songs, there's adventures and baking, and stories, and dens. It's not cowering in your room trying to not hear your parents argue, it's not watching your dad treat your mum without respect and not being able to do or say anything, it's not going on a day out but it being ruined no matter how much the parent tries to make it fun, because the other parent refused to come because they'd had an argument.

I hate to say it - and I’m only saying it in the hope that it helps the scales fall from your eyes - but it doesn’t sound as if he likes you very much.

It’s important that a couple in a relationship love each other.

But what’s actually much more critical is that you like each other.

So many other posters have already pointed it out, but there’s nothing happy about a home where the parents don’t like each other.

I’m not necessarily going to jump to LTB (although I often do, because so many of the relationships posted on here really are shit). But you can’t go on like this.

If you give in to this it will get worse and you’ll end up walking on eggshells. Issue your own ultimatum - either he stops behaving like a man baby and has a proper grown up conversation with you and you try sort things out together, or he can leave. As others have said, the children will be better off with two happy households rather than one miserable one.

Suddenly picking silly fights? He’s met someone else would be my guess. Or he’s been harbouring unhappy thoughts about the relationship for a while and wants a way out. He’s not behaving rationally. I would tell him to leave.

@UncleBob12 are you having a giraffe ?

Oh he is seeing how much he can get away with. Reminds me of the (Nick Hornby I think) book where a man leaves his wife and children 3 days a week to 'work'. What he's actually doing is lounging around in a shared house pretending to be a single man. I bet your H would do that if he could.
Emotionally manipulative and blackmailing this H of yours is bailing at the first hurdles of the difficulties of family life, but blaming you as he does it. What a POS.

Let him go. There are worse things than being from a broken home, like thinking love means eating shit politely with a knife and fork and then making that the example for your children .

Please don’t call it a ‘broken home’ when parents separate- it’s extremely insulting. My home is not broken. My daughter is loved, is happy and no longer has two parents under the same roof in a toxic environment. She will grow up still just as loved and happier than if we stayed together. Parents who stay together in a toxic/abusive environment arguably cause more ‘damage’ to their children than those who put their children first and separate.

DH told me today 'I can't go on like this, if it continues I'm leaving'

You tell him "I can't go on like this. If you continue to behave like this I want you to leave.

This is why I’m single. That, and male skidmarks.

He sounds awful and controlling. I’d get rid.

Single mothers are vulnerable to being preyed on by abusive men, and predatory men who want access to your children. Take a good long time before embarking on any future relationship.

@UncleBob12

Ah yes, this must be OPs fault, how dare she "let herself go" or not be up for sex as much even with an infant and a toddler. You've got to be on a wind up.

OP - what else is going on? If you don't know then you need to find out - either that or he doesn't seem to like or respect you from what you've said.

Based on your OP, he sounds like a twat. 16 hours with no contact, leaving you with 2 small kids including a baby? Nah. However I get the feeling there's more to this story.

As others have said, two happy separated parents is a million times better than a toxic home environment. If this is a regular thing, I'd be thinking about splitting for their sake.