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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH says he's leaving me if this continues

332 replies

Pompomqueen · 02/10/2022 17:02

I have an infant and a toddler.

DH told me today 'I can't go on like this, if it continues I'm leaving'

We had 2 arguments this wkend where I felt he was in the wrong. He then said if we have any more he would be leaving me.

First one, he went on a lads night out. Didn't contact me for 16 hrs. I saw he'd been online. Granted I sent a msg in the morning saying no reply to my msg? Instead of 'good night hunny'.... He was like oh sorry didn't realise I had to check in at regular intervals.

Second one, he cleared away everyone's stuff after lunch except mine. I took this as passive aggressive and said so. He shook his head and said I should put my stuff away after using it. Fair enough, but I clear his stuff all the time. He said it was no big deal but I got upset saying it made me feel embarrassed and that it incenuated that I don't pull my weight...
Then he said 'I'm sick of this, I'm going to leave if this contnues'.

I feel unless I am miss happy I have the threat of being a single mother looming over my head.

In those arguments was I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
VladmirsPoutine · 02/10/2022 19:08

Comedycook · 02/10/2022 19:05

Honestly...I think he wants out.

He's kicking off over incredibly minor things and trying to make you seem like you're being unreasonable...then threatening to leave if you continue. He's looking for excuses to leave.

Sorry op

This is what I think too.

Fladdermus · 02/10/2022 19:09

So he's threatening to leave if you continue to pull him up on his shitty behaviour?

Justcallmebebes · 02/10/2022 19:09

Call his bluff

HotWashCycle · 02/10/2022 19:10

It sounds as though he may have already mentally checked out, OP. Is it possible there is someone else in his sights? If it is not that, and you think it could be salvageable, tell him that you want him to go to marriage counselling either with you or alone, to address the way his behaviour has changed since you had DC. Tell him that you and the marriage cannot go on as you are. It is so damaging to both you and your DC. Sorry that this is hard. I feel for you in your pain and confusion about the way he is behaving, but things have to change. Flowers

mathanxiety · 02/10/2022 19:10

@TamzinTotally

People who have been hurt by parents' divorce have the option of therapy. If you personally have never been able to come out and tell your parents that they screwed you over and ruined your life for what looked to you like no good reason at all, I highly recommend finding a qualified therapist to talk all of that over with and maybe guide you through a conversation you could set up with your parents.

A forum where someone else, a woman who is at a stressful and vulnerable stage of her life - not either one of your parents - described a problem involving demeaning and disrespectful behaviour in front of children isn't the place to work out your own issues.

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 02/10/2022 19:13

Op - by making the threats, he indicates that he has (internally) already left you.

He is now trying to make his actual leaving your fault.

Nothing you are doing now is unreasonable.
Nothing you do for him will be enough.

rosygirl13 · 02/10/2022 19:13

Clearly something much bigger is brewing within him. For him to be so carelessly throwing around the threat of leaving you especially over two such little incidents makes me think something else is going on. I’d ask him if something else is on his mind and try to get to the root of the problem. I personally don’t believe two petty arguments would be enough to want to leave someone over!!
I also don’t think you’ve done anything wrong. He seems like an absolute a*se that has little respect for you. Also being a single mum is not as bad as everyone makes out. Having two happy homes is SO much more important than having one toxic one x

RedKitchen · 02/10/2022 19:15

Pompomqueen · 02/10/2022 17:07

I just can't bear the thought of my children being from a broken home. I will do anything in my power to give them a happy childhood even if I sacrifice my own happiness. I know first hand how traumatic your parents not being together can be. Has anyone been in this situation. Can anyone give me some advice?

Trust me, your kids will have a worse childhood if you stay together through this. You’ll also be modelling a suive behaviour being normal. As I promise your kids will pick up on it. You’ll teach them to accept low level abuse or to be abusers themselves

MummyGummy · 02/10/2022 19:17

Fladdermus · 02/10/2022 19:09

So he's threatening to leave if you continue to pull him up on his shitty behaviour?

This sums it up nicely

NotLactoseFree · 02/10/2022 19:17

Well, he's a complete wanker. What a dick.

Musti · 02/10/2022 19:25

fucking selfish gaslighting jerk!

HappyPeach · 02/10/2022 19:27

Pompomqueen · 02/10/2022 17:07

I just can't bear the thought of my children being from a broken home. I will do anything in my power to give them a happy childhood even if I sacrifice my own happiness. I know first hand how traumatic your parents not being together can be. Has anyone been in this situation. Can anyone give me some advice?

As someone who was in your shoes once, you're making a big mistake thinking staying together is giving the dc a happy childhood. They will be well aware.

CuntryPursuits · 02/10/2022 19:31

Rocketclub · 02/10/2022 17:10

This and tell him childcare is 50/50

Show quote history

God I loathe this advice. Why would any mother want to hand her children over to someone who's a knob for 50% of the time? Who actually wants to lose their children for half of their childhoods - especially if the other parent is a bit crap?

It's also all very well people saying that they wish their parents had split up sooner. However, the reality of divorce is that it's hell on earth for everyone. It does get better in the end, but it often takes a very, very long time and children are not always instantly happier. In many cases, there is a long period where the children would still rather be in a dysfunctional nuclear family than a functional two-household set-up. Because they are children, and they want what's normal for them. It takes them a long time to come to terms with what genuinely normal relationships look like - and even then, a part of them will often still feel the loss of their formative nuclear family experience.

VikingLady · 02/10/2022 19:33

He sounds like he's trying to force you into a situation/confrontation so he can leave saying you drove him to it, that it was your fault. Because what sort of man leaves his two tiny kids? His internal view of himself needs an excuse. Otherwise he'd have to admit to himself (and anyone who asks) that he's a wanker who abandoned his young family.

It's him, not you. But you won't be able to get him to stay. He's going to pick something he can blame.

WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 02/10/2022 19:33

I agree with calling his bluff. Say 'piss off then. I'll help you pack.'

Funny how men find it so easy to just LEAVE their wife and children. With the wife having to fend for herself and look after the kids alone. They never attempt to take the children. Funny that. Maybe it would fuck up any idea of going out with the lads every week, getting pissed, picking up women, lying in til midday, having women (and mates) stay over, and swanning around playing videogames, watching TV all day, and playing and watching sports at the drop of a hat. Fucking arseholes.

I wish you well @Pompomqueen but he sounds like a twat. You deserve better.

ShoesEverywhere · 02/10/2022 19:37

Your son will learn that you treat women like that, your daughter will learn to be treated like that.

I'm a child of a broken home, my dad was a dick then, is still a dick now. I met him as an adult and I'm glad I didn't know him all my life as he would set my expectations for a husband on the floor. As it happens my husband in fact is helpful, kind and would only ever go out having done all the washing up and cleaning before and then wake up early with the kids afterwards so I got a break. I am so grateful my kids know this as normal.

WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 02/10/2022 19:37

VikingLady · 02/10/2022 19:33

He sounds like he's trying to force you into a situation/confrontation so he can leave saying you drove him to it, that it was your fault. Because what sort of man leaves his two tiny kids? His internal view of himself needs an excuse. Otherwise he'd have to admit to himself (and anyone who asks) that he's a wanker who abandoned his young family.

It's him, not you. But you won't be able to get him to stay. He's going to pick something he can blame.

Yes this. ^ He is trying to force a situation where he has an excuse to leave, so he can be a single man again. Married life/being a father doesn't suit him, and he's trying to wriggle out of it. Imagine if women did that as much as men do. Fucking arseholes.

I know I said 'fucking arseholes' twice, but it's SO relevant to men like this that it deserves repeating!!!

nouvellem · 02/10/2022 19:38

I grew up in a home where my mum stayed in the marriage fir us kids & I prayed for her to leave. It wasn’t violent or abusive but they did nothing but argue / disagree / pick at one another. I left home at 14 because I wanted to find my own happy relationship. Unfortunately, having no idea what that was, I spent the next decade living with older men who I let treat me like shit.

Get couples therapy and fix your relationship, or tell him to fuck off..

Greyarea12 · 02/10/2022 19:40

Pompomqueen · 02/10/2022 17:07

I just can't bear the thought of my children being from a broken home. I will do anything in my power to give them a happy childhood even if I sacrifice my own happiness. I know first hand how traumatic your parents not being together can be. Has anyone been in this situation. Can anyone give me some advice?

Its more traumatic to live with 2 parents where 1 is walking on eggshells and the other is kicking off all t

Goldpaw · 02/10/2022 19:43

Pompomqueen · 02/10/2022 17:07

I just can't bear the thought of my children being from a broken home. I will do anything in my power to give them a happy childhood even if I sacrifice my own happiness. I know first hand how traumatic your parents not being together can be. Has anyone been in this situation. Can anyone give me some advice?

A parent deciding to stay with an abusive and controlling partner for the sake of the children give those children an awful upbringing where they teach children to accept all sorts of poor behaviour and abuse, and the children grow up believing they can't leave unpleasant situations because they've been taught not to by a parent who didn't want to leave a similar situation. Awful thing to do to kids.

bluebell34567 · 02/10/2022 19:44

nasty man.
if he says that again, i would give him his bag and send him out.

watingroom2 · 02/10/2022 19:45

Pompomqueen · 02/10/2022 17:07

I just can't bear the thought of my children being from a broken home. I will do anything in my power to give them a happy childhood even if I sacrifice my own happiness. I know first hand how traumatic your parents not being together can be. Has anyone been in this situation. Can anyone give me some advice?

My dad stayed with my abusive mum - it was traumatic

It messed up my capacity to identify acceptable boundaries and self respect

Sacrificing yourself teaches your children all sorts of things about their value and worth

Greyarea12 · 02/10/2022 19:46

Greyarea12 · 02/10/2022 19:40

Its more traumatic to live with 2 parents where 1 is walking on eggshells and the other is kicking off all t

Show quote history

Posted to soon...

All the time.

You will develop anxiety living like this and your children will develop anxiety watching you suffer from it and scared incase something they do will set dad off.

I was in this situation. Got worse when baby came along. God he was even threatening to leave me whilst I was in labour. His abuse stepped up to horrible levels, much of it witnessed by our dd. I finally left him when she was 4. It was 4 years to late though. Thankfully, my dd is not affected. She now comes from a 'broken home' where she is happy & thriving. I dread to think of the issues she would have if I had of kept her in that situation. I have alot of regret and guilt staying for as long as I did. If I hadn't of left my dd would likely be suffering with her own mh and I would be dead - either from him killing me or me killing myself to escape him.

Show him the door and don't look back. That's what is best for you & your children.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/10/2022 19:49

A parent deciding to stay with an abusive and controlling partner for the sake of the children give those children an awful upbringing where they teach children to accept all sorts of poor behaviour and abuse, and the children grow up believing they can't leave unpleasant situations because they've been taught not to by a parent who didn't want to leave a similar situation. Awful thing to do to kids.

This. It’s the worst thing you could do for your children - keep them in an unhappy situation where your husband bullies and controls you. The worst.

I know what it’s like to be from a home where you parents shouldn’t be together - not even abusive just unhappy - and would have been much better off of my parents had divorced.

StoneofDestiny · 02/10/2022 19:50

Empty the bank account
Give him an empty suitcase and calmly tell him to go now (or pack his essentials and tell him you'll send the rest on)
Give your children a better example of what a happy home looks like

He is going to leave and just looking to blame you for doing so.