To think SOMEONE must be able to do something?

[PurpleLampShades]

I am at breaking point and don’t know what to do. NO ONE will help me.
DS is just turned 16 and is in what I would call an abusive relationship with a woman in her mid-late twenties (don’t know her exact age). This has been going on for about five months and I have done everything I can think of to stop it. I’ve grounded him, taken away games consoles, stopped pocket money, stopped giving him lifts, pleaded with him, begged him, shouted at him, tried to reason/explain my concerns to him etc. I even tried speaking to her nicely and then not so nicely. Nothing has worked. She has wormed her way into his head and he does everything she tells him. Last weekend he walked out of the house and has been staying at her house with her. I’ve called the police and social services who have both done nothing. I’ve been round there everyday but he won’t (or isn’t allowed to) come to the door and she has told me to leave him alone and that he wants nothing more to do with me. I don’t believe her. What can I do? I really need advice on what I can do to help him? AIBU to think the police or SS should be able to do something?

Thank you to whomever is reporting the posts from that horrible poster.

Sending love & hugs,
stay strong you are doing great.

Their behaviour is absolutely bizarre and obsessive at this point! Hopefully HQ can have a word now.

@PurpleLampShades you are being so strong. Hopefully the meeting will give you some answers and actions to support your relationship. I hope you hear from DS this week.

I’m not kidding I genuinely wonder if that poster is her

Thinking of you. I’m absolutely horrified that this could happen and not be dealt with more quickly. This could be my DS in a year or so.
She’s after his money.

As a parent I really feel for you OP. This scenario would break any mothers heart. You are managing this so well and because of that you will get him back eventually as he will mature and realise how awful his situation is. As for this woman she must be extremely emotionally immature to want to be with a 16 year old. This relationship will not last.

Can you stop his money OP, (even if just for long enough for him to feel the pinch and ask where it is)?

I’m loathe to try and do anything like that in case it leads to him being more vulnerable with her. At least I know he has money to get home or go somewhere else if he needs to.

I’m so glad you got support from the other mum. You have nothing at all to feel any shame about and talking about it will help you feel less isolated if nothing else.

it’s worrying he isn’t seeing his friends or going to football. But in my opinion this extreme intensity of their relationship now will lead to it burning out quicker. He is 16 and will be missing his usual gang so I wouldn’t be surprised if he starts to resent her for that.

I would absolutely not stop his money. Its his for a start and as well as making him angry with you I totally agree that it would also make him more reliant on her if he has no funds and make it much harder for him to find any independence which isn’t a good thing.

It sounds like the SW team are still exploring things and hopefully whatever conclusion is reached it gives both of them a strong signal that you aren’t alone on questioning the relationship and being concerned for his well being.

I think your level and form of contact with him- gentle, unquestioning and just calmly letting him know you love him and are there if he needs you is spot on.

hang in there purple.

Keep going @PurpleLampShades , it's bloody hard but you're doing the right things.

The poster who's being negative/ trolling is being reported by several of us, please ignore them.

Stay strong, look after yourself so that you're able to keep going ok? Looking after yourself is really important, you need to be well enough and strong enough to keep going.

It's bloody hard, I've given you some of my story so I have a bit of understanding, keep going, look after yourself and keep posting please? We're here for you 💐

Keep the faith, @PurpleLampShades , hopefully your son will 'See the light' and because the 'Situation' with that coercive older woman is so intense {Son dropping sport and mates} it may burn out sooner than if it was a healthy relationship.

I'm glad the other Mum was supportive.
It is every mother's nightmare that their child gets embroiled in a grossly unsuitable 'Relationship'.

Re the horrid 'Commenter'..Surely it is someone in a position like the 'Coercive controller' is in.
I haven't read their comments, just seen them deleted by MNHQ!

I don't think it would be the ''Controller'' herself.

Hello @PurpleLampShades how are you and how are things going with your son?

I’ve had a phone conversation with DS this morning. First time I’ve been able to speak to him in nearly 3 weeks. It seems he has no money left for the rest of this month. I finally got it out of him that it’s because he’s spent all of this months money and some of last months on a birthday gift for gf’s birthday next week (she’ll be 27 btw - 11 years older than him). I tried really hard not to appear annoyed about this because I could tell he was a bit upset about the whole thing. It wouldn’t surprise me if he’s been guilted into spending on something extravagant for her. He’s normally very good with managing the money he gets.

Anyway, he’s now asking if he can have more money each month. He says it’s so he can contribute more and that he might have to leave college to get a job if he can’t get his monthly money increased. I said he could come home and that would solve the problem, which he ignored, then abruptly ended the conversation and it continued via text for a little while. I probably shouldn’t have said that but for gods sake, he’s spent £200 plus on a bloody birthday present for her and left himself with nothing. Goodness knows what he’s been doing for lunches at colleges. Probably going without. I’m going to have to transfer some money to tide him over for the month and think about whether to give permission for his monthly money to go up. £150 was always enough as all he had to pay for was his lunches at college, any bus fare if he didn’t walk and any bits and bobs he wanted/needed. I doubt his father anticipated he would walk out at 16 to live with a woman 11 years older than him and need money for bills etc. I really don’t want to enable this but I also really don’t want him to quit college and I really don’t want her to be able to use him not contributing as a reason he “owes” her or to control him further.

It is nice you got to speak to him.

This is like emotional blackmail on you because of trying to keep him in college. He shouldn’t be enabled, but what can you do? Also you wouldn’t want to seem to be coercing him by holding back ‘his’ money - though his father would not have wanted him to be using it for this purpose at all.

Your poor son is trying to live like a man giving very expensive gifts, but without really being responsible for his own life at all, thanks to the allowance. Even though, if he drops out and gets a job, he’d have his pay plus allowance artificially supporting this relationship.

I hope other posters give useful advice to help you decide what is best. You have been so supportive and strong for your son so far. He is lucky to have you.

Hi op, im so sorry you and your son are going though this. i would speak with the social worker and relay the conversation you had with your son. They will be able to offer advice and will also got towards information for the assesmment they are completing just now.

Certainly raises some more red flags x

I think keeping him in college is really important. It is a major protective factor. Do you get child benefit for him? If yes you could offer him that as that is to help pay for his costs.

This sounds like an important call, a moment when he needs mum because the reality of his situation has entered for a moment. I would try to think strategically at every opportunity if I were you, the goal being to hold a mirror up to the situation so you can interrupt the distortion that has been created at every opportunity.

I would try to be there for him as I am sure you want to be, I would say I think I do understand why this is so difficult for you, but you might have to be a bit patient with me as I cant help thinking if you weren't with a GF who is at a different life stage to you, you wouldn't feel this pressure to level up. But you have said something important, I dont want you to give up your education because you feel you cannot contribute appropriately at Xs house, so let me see what I can do. I might need to just check with SW what I can do legally as now they are involved its not solely up to me but I will say you need more financial support. I just dont wish to be crossing their boundaries. He wont like it but it makes it transparent that you are sharing the information - to 'help' him.

Technically after 8 weeks 'she' could be entitled to his child benefit. I would offer to transfer that to her now - as a strategic move that positions her as an adult living with a child - which this is. Does he also receive a bursary? He may be entitled as a YP estranged from his family (I know this may not be what you want or intend but in a way he is becoming estranged due to what is happening - it means he will receive support financially that also marks him as a vulnerable YP. You may not wish to to go down some of these routes so its about what you are comfortable with. My goal would be to disrupt the fantasy that this is a equal and healthy relationships.

Do you know anything else about her ? financial situation/employment/family ? I cannot help

@PurpleLampShades This is sickening. I absolutely would not transfer your son’s child benefit to the coercive older woman .
It’s probably an item of jewellery he bought the controller .
as PP say, he’s emotionally putting blackmail onto you, “ Pay me more, or I’ll leave college to get a job”

I wonder if Controller has made him do this?
She is dating a child, for goodness sakes- What a sick individual she must be to cradle -snatch and then demand the child pays her..
Toxic individual.
Not sure what to advise-
Nightmare.
Hope to Goodness the controller won’t get pregnant.

Yes, it was so good to actually speak to him. I’m hoping I might get to see him soon if I play things right. It does feel a bit like emotional blackmail, but I’m not sure if that’s deliberate from him or just an unintended consequence of the situation.

I’ve left a message for the sw asking her to phone me back. Hopefully that will be today but given her workload I’m not holding my breath.

I do get child benefit for him. That could be an option, though I think I need to talk to him again to get more of an idea of what he’s needing to contribute to. I absolutely do not want him to quit college so I’m willing to do what’s needed (within reason) to keep him there. I’m not sure about transferring child benefit to her, as it’s just another means for her to control him, though I do see what you’re saying.

Its a risky move, but I wouldn't increase it. Dont be held over a barrel of emo blackmail about food and college - if he wants to quit college he will, regardless of money. Money is just an excuse at this stage. Things might have to get worse before they get better, before the bubble bursts. Hold your line and boundaries purple x

@PurpleLampShades It’s so bad that you “ Have to play your cards right” to see your own son!

But I can see why you have to tread carefully here, so as to not play into the controller’s hands.

I’d not be at all surprised if the controller has little or no contact with her own family, thus will be jealous of your son having contact with you.

Does the controller appear “ Normal “? Or is there something off with her?
I’d be very suspicious of anyone that old living with a child.
It would make me think that they were not emotionally capable of forming adult relationships on an equal footing.

I can see the sense in this-
Demands for money might keep increasing
“ Controller needs me to pay her mortgage/ rent- I willl have to get a job if you don’t give me more money to spend on controller”

Agree that he could easily quit college regardless of the money Purple gives him.

But the child benefit entitlement does not really lie with the OP now her DS has moved out. So transferring it would be the right thing. Easy to say this money is from the government to help while you are legally a child. But the adult you live with is responsible legally for your living costs. And point out that if he leaves college and goes to work, the child benefit stops.

What a fucked up situation.

Perhaps give him the child benefit?

Let's face it though it's hardly a child/parent relationship is it?

You surely can't just keep throwing money at him.

As you say, if he wants to stay in college he can come home.

If he wants to get a job to keep her...

What can she be hoping to get from this?

Money from you Op?