To think SOMEONE must be able to do something?

[PurpleLampShades]

I am at breaking point and don’t know what to do. NO ONE will help me.
DS is just turned 16 and is in what I would call an abusive relationship with a woman in her mid-late twenties (don’t know her exact age). This has been going on for about five months and I have done everything I can think of to stop it. I’ve grounded him, taken away games consoles, stopped pocket money, stopped giving him lifts, pleaded with him, begged him, shouted at him, tried to reason/explain my concerns to him etc. I even tried speaking to her nicely and then not so nicely. Nothing has worked. She has wormed her way into his head and he does everything she tells him. Last weekend he walked out of the house and has been staying at her house with her. I’ve called the police and social services who have both done nothing. I’ve been round there everyday but he won’t (or isn’t allowed to) come to the door and she has told me to leave him alone and that he wants nothing more to do with me. I don’t believe her. What can I do? I really need advice on what I can do to help him? AIBU to think the police or SS should be able to do something?

You are doing so well - keeping it together and taking it gently. So hard, but I have great respect for the way you are managing all this.

I would say come around for coffee and we can talk about it some more. Absolutely insist that you meet just you and him. And then I’d make some excuse about not having a lot of cash but give him £20 to tide him over. Give him as little as possible but then say, really sorry I just haven’t got more at the moment but in a week we could meet up and I will have more.

It’s completely reasonable to want to see him in person in order to give him money, and it’s reasonable not to give him too much (mainly because then you can see him more often, he will keep in contact more often, and he is less likely to spend it all on one go for). I’d also give things like food or a travel pass - or something that ties him to something that you think would be good for him such as getting to college, things in college. If you know that his friends are going to the cinema you could give it just for that for example.

I would give him some money though, and not say ‘this is the last time’ as at the moment it is a way that you hopefully can get him to meet up with just you and him. Say that specifically, say anything you like to make it happen e.g. can I just meet you for a quick coffee, just you and me, just so that I can be reassured, be a broken record and just keep insisting and then with the reward for him of some money at the end of it, don’t say how much just say ‘I can give you some money if we meet for coffee, when do you want to meet up’ and if he asks how much say ‘I’m not sure yet but I will see what I can do’.

And then when you meet him, don’t focus on telling him off or anything about the money, just work on being a great listener to him and forging a stronger bond between you, have a nice time if you can and remind him how much you care by just being pleased to see him, give him some positivity about himself, remind him you are always there. Think of it from his point of view - what in the long term is going to make him want to come back? Remembering that he has a really good relationship with you, that living back with you is the best for him. Don’t tell him that, just be that.

Hello, sorry I’ve not been around much.

op, he wants to be independent he needs to be so. Don’t cut what he gets but tell him you can’t do more and he needs to look ar support for estranged students if he needs more cash. Lay it in about being on your own and having no money.

Of course you want to go and watch him play, it's just awkward from his pov. It's possible he got to know, if his friend let something slip. I'm not criticising you, just seeing things from his perspective ( possibly).
It would be a big worry if he dropped out of college, that s his last link to his normal teenage life. Personally, I'd want to do everything I could to ensure he goes.

Why are you punishing him? No wonder he is withdrawing from you. Home should be a soft place to fall. I think you are driving him away.

Presumably you are upset about the relationship because you love him and want better for him? So show him that. Make home a place of choice. Work on your relationship with him so he feels able to come to you when he needs support.

The absolutely worst thing you can do is to make his life a misery by removing everything that matters.

What are you on about? The OP isn’t punishing him or removing things from him. What a cruel and ridiculous post. Have you actually read what the OP is writing?

How has she punished him and what has she removed?

Are you on glue?

OP you are doing so well. You've had great advice. Speak to college - they may have an online payment system which you can top up specifically for lunches without having to give cash which could be taken from him. Lots of schools (maybe colleges) use these now and the student pays by tapping their student card or fingerprint. Worth an ask if they can set up anything like that for him.

I agree with PP that you say the only way you're willing to discuss it is if he comes to the house alone, without her. Otherwise you simply won't consider it. Then agree that you will pay for things he needs eg bus pass, college essentials etc or anything he needs that you can pay for yourself, so you know where the money is found, but you won't give him any extra cash. As you know exactly where it'll go. And anything you pay for will only continue on the proviso that he remains at college. Please don't give him money - I can absolutely understand your desire to keep him in college but if he's going to leave, an extra bit of money from you won't keep him there.

@TheSilentPicnic You are vile

Guys stop
Quoting this dickhead . I've reported and hopefully it will be removed.

It’s just dawned on me it will be Lil under a changed name. Hope MN get rid of her. No idea why she is so intent on upsetting OP and completely misconstruing the entire situation

Lots of different, conflicting advice purple, which is to be expected. Only you know what feels right for you. I suggest talking though with someone who knows the situation irl to help you think through what to do. In the meantime you could say to ds that you have some concerns about it and you're not sure, you need time to think it through but that you'll get back to him with an answer when you've done this

Hey OP.

I am sorry you are going through this awful and difficult situation - younare doing brilliantly. Do you have any friends or family members supporting you?

No advice from me - I trust you will make the best call you can - trust your gut and then even if it does / doesnt work you can still justify your steps e.g. i want him to stay in college.

Ignore the ignorant and unkind posters x

@PurpleLampShades I’ve read all your posts but no one else’s. It sounds like you’re doing everything you can and my heart is breaking for you. You’re being so strong! Big hugs for you. Praying it resolves and your DS comes home.

I agree with trying to buy some time to think about it and communicating this with him. I know it's hard but try not to race ahead with solutions or focus on the negative concerns (although completely understandable). Keep thinking about the connection, and building it. It's great he's reached out to you for help, maybe tell him you're glad he feels he can still ask for help and that it means a lot to you.

You said he seemed upset at the situation, try to show him that you've heard this and explore his feelings about it, without adding any judgement (or solutions!).

Maybe something like you heard in his voice how hard this must be for him. It's a very difficult and unusual situation for him to be in and that you really want to find the best way to help him. Try to explore with him if he's able to talk about his situation with anyone else, as it must feel quite isolating and it might help to have an outside point of view from friends or someone he trusts.

In the mean time you're thinking about how the child benefit could be used, but that will take some more talking about, when he's ready. (This might be a useful tool in encouraging him at least to spend some time at home with you, so you can still legitimately claim it and help him with college costs.)

Just some more food for thought, good luck x

Also note that contact happened on a Friday morning, this might be a time when he has a free period and the GF is at work, possibly...

I’ve read all your comments OP and I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I too would log times of contact as you may find your way in with her not being around.
I can’t help but think if the genders were reversed this situation would be viewed differently by some. A 16 year old girl with a 27 year old man controlling her every move- so frustrating that this inequality in perception exists.
I honestly hope he sees the situation for what it really is soon enough. Sending you strength

@PurpleLampShades I’ve been reading your posts and lots (but not all) replies from others, but this is first comment from me, so sorry it might be lengthy.
I don’t always post unless I have a thought that no one else has already suggested but sometimes it’s good to post so that an OP can see lots of people agree with an idea (like a majority vote).

First, I’m sorry this has happened and want to reassure you I think you’re a fantastic mum and haven’t done anything wrong here.
Very difficult situation and I think you’ve been incredibly strong throughout.

You’ve had some great advice and support on here (especially from @stillvicarinatutu and @CloseYourEyesAndSee and @boomoohoo ) but also (imo) some bad or unhelpful suggestions. Most of us can only offer opinions, however well-meaning, so well done on navigating through the best ones and deciding which to follow. I’m finally jumping in as I have some experience of this - not the same as yours, but similar - from both the child perspective AND the parents (2 different situations).
Very happy to DM you more detail - might help but I don’t want to overwhelm you. Send me a DM if you want?

A few observations
You obviously DO have good relationship with DS, he must still love you loads - proved by him staying in touch (despite not often).
I do think he probably sent that text at 2:30am and got your birthday things without her knowing. Very telling that he asked you not to text back saying thanks.
She is obviously heavily influencing him but has not succeeded in getting him to cut you out altogether so be encouraged by that.
The meal was also a positive sign - even if it was for the benefit of SWs to ‘look good’ - you did a great summary of that showing lots of signs of an unhealthy controlling and coercive relationship that hopefully will have been useful for the SW team.

My advice/suggestions
You will need to meet with him and discuss a few things, obviously without her would be best but if they insist she could be there. Hopefully he/they will agree because he wants access to more money - I have some suggestions on how to handle it, but might run out of time so for now 3 practical points:-

1/ Child benefit - Since he is no longer living with you and therefore you are technically not supposed to be claiming it anyway - I think she should claim for Child Benefit, if that’s possible (? I haven’t looked into it, guessing you don’t need to be a parent or guardian?)
Do not just transfer the money value over to him.
This will reinforce the fact that he is officially still underage and needs adults to act on his behalf.
You will look good for coming up with this suggestion and it implies you are starting to accept him living with her. Don’t forget you can always change it back when he comes home.

2/ support for estranged students - do not mention this.
If he doesn’t know about it already, you do not want to put the idea in his head that you are in any way estranged, or give him independent access to additional funds.

3/ Regarding him asking for an increase in trust fund allowance - I do not agree with other posters saying that this is enabling him to stay with her.
I’m very glad that his dad didn’t give him control over the capital until he is 25!
Are you the only Trustee?
Is it solely your decision on how much he gets each month?
Or is another family member or solicitor also involved, and how much detail is DS aware of around the details of the trust restrictions?

I ask these questions because I have a suggestion… when you have had a chance to chat properly with him about how much he wants (and for what purpose - more on that later) - would it possible to increase his allowance with the proviso that it is conditional upon full attendance at and engagement with college?
And also put a time limit on it, so that the amount would be reviewed again when he graduates/ leaves education.
Basically the next time he has a significant change in life situation, but there is always the possibility it could go back down again. I’m hoping there is a solicitor or someone else involved in the Trust administration that wouldn’t mind playing ‘bad cop’ for this reason.

Apols, just a further thought - you could also use your knowledge of him stopping going to football as a way to connect - you could tell him you're feeling awkward and hope he's not stopped going because you went, as you know it's something he enjoys and is good for him. Or has he stopped because he can't afford it? If so you could look at paying his subs and promise not to go again if he really doesn't want you to, but that you just worry like mad and just need to know he's okay from time to time (your his mum, it's in your job description etc). If you don't go to football, would he be willing to regularly communicate with you in some other way? Is there a good time/way he'd be happy with?

You might not get replies, but it will all go in...and these might all be ways of establishing non-pressured contact and grounds for further communication which might make more formal meetings less intense, esp if GF is there.

Hi @PurpleLampShades

I'm so pleased you've been able to talk to your son, that's a great step.

I'm in agreement with PPs who have suggested transferring the actual Child Benefit payment to her, as a PP said it firmly reinforces that he is a child and she is an adult plus it puts some "keep" money into the situation so that is one less thing she can complain about to him.

Definitely keep SS posted about the financial situation. If college have the ParentPay system you could top up his account and know that he can only use the money for food at college so that you know he's getting fed and she can't access that "pot" of money.

Deep breath, take a little break and look at the positives - you have spoken with him and he's asking for your help, which is massively better than a few weeks ago isn't it?

Stay strong, look after yourself (yep, I'm saying it again!!) try to rest and eat to keep your strength up 💐💐💐💐

Your thread is heading to the 1000 post limit so please don't forget to start a new thread so that we can keep supporting you x