To think SOMEONE must be able to do something?

[PurpleLampShades]

I am at breaking point and don’t know what to do. NO ONE will help me.
DS is just turned 16 and is in what I would call an abusive relationship with a woman in her mid-late twenties (don’t know her exact age). This has been going on for about five months and I have done everything I can think of to stop it. I’ve grounded him, taken away games consoles, stopped pocket money, stopped giving him lifts, pleaded with him, begged him, shouted at him, tried to reason/explain my concerns to him etc. I even tried speaking to her nicely and then not so nicely. Nothing has worked. She has wormed her way into his head and he does everything she tells him. Last weekend he walked out of the house and has been staying at her house with her. I’ve called the police and social services who have both done nothing. I’ve been round there everyday but he won’t (or isn’t allowed to) come to the door and she has told me to leave him alone and that he wants nothing more to do with me. I don’t believe her. What can I do? I really need advice on what I can do to help him? AIBU to think the police or SS should be able to do something?

I'm sorry you're going through this OP. I'm a similar age to her, bit older, and find this thread very disturbing.

Well done for getting ss involved and keeping the door open for him to come home. That's all you can do really.

I'm fairly sure it's the law now in England that all under 18 need to be in education? But I could be wrong. If he does quit college to get a shit job this may be the moment he realises how stupid he's being, as I doubt he will be able to get a job he enjoys with no qualifications. He can always go back to college as a mature student if he drops out now.

I hope he comes home soon. You might find that when he is finally safe and back at home with you that you need to go to therapy together to unpack everything.

OP herself transferring the child benefit to the girlfriend could be seen as endorsement by OP of the relationship which plays into the girlfriend’s hands.

If OP’s DS or the gf make the claim then that’s different.

I would very carefully consider increasing any money going to him. He would have known perfectly well that spending that money on her would leave him short, and then he runs to you.

I almost think you need to let him suffer a little bit here... he can't emotionally blackmail you into giving him more money, and really you'd just be enabling him to stay with her. I know it's hard, but sometimes you need to hold firm.

I know there’s a risk he’ll quit college anyway but anything I can do to try and prevent that or slow the progression to that I will consider. It’s about the only thing left he’s still doing consistently. He’s quit football, barely sees or socialises with his friends, barely sees/speaks to me. I really don’t want him isolated further. It really is like walking on eggshells to try and find the right balance and approach.

I absolutely do not want to enable this “relationship” by making it easier for him to keep her happy, but equally I don’t want to enable her gaining more control over him and isolating him even further. I think either way it’s a lose:lose situation isn’t it?

I feel like I need to give him enough for lunches etc at college this month but tell him I’m not happy about it and it won’t be a regular occurrence. And then I need to talk to him again and try and find out a bit more in general about what he thinks he needs to contribute to. I’m feeling very torn. I have this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that if he quits college I’ll never see him again. I know that sounds dramatic but I can’t help worrying about it. It’s like the last barrier before falling into the hole.

All under 18s need to be in education, training or employment. But it is not really enforced.

I've just looked it up op and legally he has to either be in education or doing an apprenticeship until he's 18 so you could tell him that. And tell ss he's thinking of quitting to give her money as it proves how much she's affecting him.

It does not have to be an apprenticeship. It can be full-time employment with training,. But you get apprenticeships for working in shops now anyway, so it is pretty meaningless.

I honestly don't think there are going to be any good answers in this situation for a while. 😥I think on that basis I would have to take a cheery approach of saying that as they want to be considered as 'adults in an adult relationship', it obviously wouldn't be appropriate for you to be paying for his keep.

I would suggest that if she wants to apply for his CHILD benefit to be transferred, she should do that through the correct channels (if she can face the humiliation of such a thing).

Have you been able to find out any more about this woman? Friends, family? Employment?

Can you get in touch with more of his mates & their parents? I know that you don’t want to discuss it more widely but I am sure they would want to offer you their support.

Honestly the thought of a late 20’s woman with a mid teen is sickening. I am so sorry OP.

I know she’s definitely employed but I don’t know what she actually does. She seems to have a lot of time to keep tabs on him. I don’t know what her relationship with her family is like but I know they don’t live anywhere nearby. Don’t know about friends but she must have some surely. I’ve been considering trying to get in touch with DS’s friend’s sister. The one who took them to the party where they supposedly met. I don’t know if the sister actually knows her but she will know the girl who had the party.

To a certain extent whilst understanding your fears about him leaving college I do think that not enabling him by refusing to give him money will eventually hit home to him the choices that he is making. Like another poster said, it may have to get worse before it gets better. He is only 16 but growing up by the day so at some point in the not too distant future his eyes will open to exactly what he has given up, especially if he ends up in a shitty job that he hates. At 16 he has time to make a mistake like giving up college as he can always go back. I know you know him best OP but don't underestimate him. He may seem weak and compliant at the minute but hopefully as he matures he will gain in strength and will hopefully walk away from this sooner than you think.

Personally, I would give him the value of his child benefit as an extra, but no more. I think that’s reasonable.

He’s trying to have it all here - be a grown up, living with a girlfriend AND have mum look after him.

He can’t have it both ways. I know it’s hard, but as other posters have said, if he’s going to drop out of college he will. You can’t be blackmailed.

What a horrible dilemma.

If you can do discuss with the SW team, there may be some angles you haven’t considered.

Do you think there is any merit in telling him that if he wants more money from you to allow him to contribute to this woman’s bills etc then you would appreciate him (alone) actually coming to meet up with you to look closer at the finances and the implications of him using his child benefit or his father’s money in this way. It’s not an unreasonable request and seeing you on his own may just find a chink in his grown up armour.

He’s trying very hard to live an adult life he actually isn’t ready for and I can’t help thinking somewhere in there is a young boy desperate to get the security of home (or at the very least a relationship with his mum) back.

I would 100% be trying to find out a bit more about this woman but won’t they give you her name etc at the upcoming social work meeting? Presumably she doesn’t have some right to anonymity? You might be able to dig better on line then.

Trouble is if he quits college he still won't be any better off because no job for him rn will cover the increase he needs!which in one way might cause this all to implode on them and they finally split.
I can't see it happening any other way.
But then will be forgive you.
Will he go back to college.
Fucking he'll this is so hard for you op.
Could you kill with kindness and ask to meet with her so you can discuss costs.( smiley smiley assasin) just to get some possing off sessions in with her.and he sees you as the reasonable one

@PurpleLampShades Please don't feel that you will never see your son again.
You had a good relationship with him..I might be wrong, but didn't your husband die ? {Sorry if I haven't remembered correctly} ..if this is the case, your son may obviously be still suffering from this profound loss.
I'm sure a young person who has a decent relationship with their mum couldn't see her cut out of his life?

It must be incredibly painful.

If this controller was a halfway decent woman, she'd allow a child to see his own mother without her being there.

I can't see it lasting.

Ex, whose DS’s dad, died in an accident three years ago. We split up when DS was 5. He didn’t see him much.

Thought I remembered that your son's dad had died :(

Despite your son being so young when you split, it could be still having an effect on him, questions your son may have wanted to ask his dad have no chance of being answered..I feel {could well be wrong} that your boy is having a ''Perfect storm'' of emotions surfacing, and this predator sensed his vulnerability and zoomed in.

He's a mid teen, emotions can be all over the place, hormones going crazy.

I do think he will eventually come back to the fold..

He's probably hugely confused and his head is in a whirl.

Yes DS’s dad died. It was difficult but we got through it, but of course DS could have lingering emotions and vulnerabilities from that.

I’ve text him to ask if he’ll come and see me to chat about finances so I can understand things better. No response yet. Haven’t heard from sw, but I wasn’t really expecting to given I only phoned this morning.

I agree with this.

Can you put his lunch money directly into his college account or do they use cash? Technicaly since he isn't living with you the child benefit should stop.
I think you turning up to football and talking to his friends mum has backfired unfortunately, college is the only place he's free of hers I agree you must do what you can to keep him there. Does his gf work?

Fingers crossed for a reply from your son without controller earwigging {Or making him put his phone on 'Speaker'}

It's very likely your son does have lingering emotions from his dad..{My son who is an adult still says he gets feelings come up about his dad {who left when DS was four}.

Teenage years are hard for most people.
Regarding the girl whose party it was , where this woman your son allegedly met..If you can find out this woman's surname, it might be possible to do an online search of her, and get some 'Intel' on her and see what kind of person she is.
She might have form for this kind of thing.

I googled older woman dating a child and found this..{You may have seen it already}

www.stopitnow.org/advice-column-entry/my-16-year-old-son-is-dating-an-adult-woman

How has me going to football to watch my son play, which I’ve done for years, and talking to the mother of one of his friends (which DS doesn’t even know about) caused this? I mean, for gods sake……I haven’t even seen him at football for the last few weeks. I’ve already said she works. I just don’t know where.

OP, I’ve read through your responses(not anyone else’s)
My heart breaks for you, my little one is sitting in-between my legs watching a movie and I can’t imagine ever being in that situation.

My soon to be ex was in a relationship similar when they were a teenager and exes mother once told me it was the hardest thing she ever did but she had to let it play out as fighting it just drove ex further into their hands.
It fizzled out after a few years and that was that.

I’m hoping it won’t last as long for you and your son but it won’t last. He will soon get fed up and will be knocking on your door before you know it. Just bide your time and you will come out the hero in it all.

I wish you well and hope you are holding it together.

OP I haven't read the whole thread, but have read all your posts
maybe someone else has said this but your account of GF's behaviour at the lunch sounds very controlling (I work with DV survivors, this is very familiar)- so it may help you to read around that, especially about supporting someone who is being abused. Obviously there are extra concerns here but it might give you a new perspective.
As police and SW are involved I think this woman doesn't have any known history or dangerous associates (from a CSE/county lines perspective).

I agree keeping him at college is important. Could you buy him a bus pass? Ask if he has any college related needs and if so buy them for him? I wouldn't be giving him any more money. It's GFs choice to have him living with her, she needs to provide for him therefore.

She must surely be being ostracised by family and friends? No one could be comfortable with this relationship, I’m sure, it is clearly so wrong.

I would suggest saying you will use the child benefit to buy his bus pass and then give him whats left for expenses BUT that he must stay at college as his long term prospects for a good job rely on him staying to get his A levels.

Also the child benefit continues while he's at college.

Does he get access to all his inheritance at 18? If be worried she'll take his money from him then.

It must be so difficult but hopefully if uou keep the door open he will be able to come back when he realises this is wrong.