To think SOMEONE must be able to do something?

[PurpleLampShades]

I am at breaking point and don’t know what to do. NO ONE will help me.
DS is just turned 16 and is in what I would call an abusive relationship with a woman in her mid-late twenties (don’t know her exact age). This has been going on for about five months and I have done everything I can think of to stop it. I’ve grounded him, taken away games consoles, stopped pocket money, stopped giving him lifts, pleaded with him, begged him, shouted at him, tried to reason/explain my concerns to him etc. I even tried speaking to her nicely and then not so nicely. Nothing has worked. She has wormed her way into his head and he does everything she tells him. Last weekend he walked out of the house and has been staying at her house with her. I’ve called the police and social services who have both done nothing. I’ve been round there everyday but he won’t (or isn’t allowed to) come to the door and she has told me to leave him alone and that he wants nothing more to do with me. I don’t believe her. What can I do? I really need advice on what I can do to help him? AIBU to think the police or SS should be able to do something?

Ah ok - a s47 is done within the first 7 days I'd a family being operand to ss if risk is deemed serious enough, and is always followed by a fuller assessment, sounds like that's what they have done, so they will have done a police check on her, and any other check considered relevant.

That doesn't fit with procedures but I suppose it's possible.
the procedure is after referral is received it either goes for a 45 day section 17 assessment or a strategy meeting is convened immediately at which they decide whether s47 threshold is met. After this if s47 threshold is met they would do a 15 day assessment and probably convene a child protection conference. It would be highly unusual to do an assessment to assess whether to have a strategy meeting - it's just not how it works. It's either high risk at referral or it's medium risk - you don't assess to see if it's high risk. You might discover it's high risk during your assessment but that's a different matter. S47 is ONLY decided at a strategy meeting.
a 45 day assessment will end either with a child in need plan, an early help plan or no plan.

She wouldn't meet the criteria for Clare's law.

I wondered what the criteria was but it didn’t show it on the Met Police link that I saw. Out of interest, what is the criteria?

@CloseYourEyesAndSee are you a sw? That's not how it's worked in any of the local authorities I've worked in. S.47's are always followed by a 45 day assessment

You need to be in a relationship with the person for a disclosure essentially.

yes @boomoohoo I am. I manage a CP team. If it's a s47 then the assessment is 15 days not 45. Within that 15 days you need to book an ICPC if one is required so in reality it's closer to 10 days.

Anyway, this might be confusing for you purple!
I wanted to ask you, how did the sw seem when you spoke to her? Did she give an indication of where she thinks this is heading? I would ask her about risk assessing the woman- this is the risk that your boy is facing, and the reason for the assessment after all. I am always open with families about my concerns and what I think needs to happen. The time I'm not is when I haven't got all the info I need yet to give a view.

Also, please know you can be really upfront about how you need to be communicated with - did she explain her lack of contact? You can ask for weekly updates from her (even if it's no update) or negotiate whatever is possible for you both.

When I contacted the mash I heard back from them quite quickly and they spoke to me over the phone, spoke to DS in college and the gf, and then had a meeting the week after that. Then they said they needed to gather some more information and do more assessment which is what they’re doing now and there’s another meeting end of this month which me and DS will both be invited to. They’ve mentioned section 47 and section 17 but I’m not really sure which one they’re following now.

@CloseYourEyesAndSee ah I see. That's not how it works in the LA I work for.

So maybe they had a strategy discussion initially but it didn't meet threshold for a s47, so they're just doing the 45 day assessment. Did she say what the meeting was called at end of month? From what your describing it sounds like she's setting up a CIN plan, but again, each LA work differently so it's hard to say..

Does it feel clear to you what they're doing and why? I hope you feel able to ask them any questions you have about it all, I imagine it's so confusing and overwhelming to go through

Yes, it’s confusing. There’s lots of abbreviations and sections and assessments and meetings and I feel like I only know half the information. She did apologise that it’s taken a while to get back to me but has been really busy. I do understand that but it’s hard when you’re in a situation where you feel so helpless. I think she was trying to prepare me to expect that not much can be done tbh.

The meeting at the end of the month is to discuss the outcome of the assessment and decide on what needs to/can be done. She called it a multiagency meeting and said depending on what happens there there may be another meeting needed after that.

The process does sound quite bewildering for a concerned parent, especially with little support around them. I don't think asking for a progress update (and to report further contact information) is unreasonable in order to clarify your understanding of what is to be expected. It's not the overriding priority of the sw of course, when they're flat out and overstretched, but one would hope the system would allow for a more timely info exchange.

It's really reminding me how stressful it is for families to go through, and to be more mindful in how I communicate all the processes - It's so much to keep in your head hey.

If you have any questions about anything sw related, even if it feels small, please do ask here and I'll do my best to answer.

It could be useful to have a friend or family member around who can help you digest and process all the info, like you would if you had to have a difficult medical procedure, having someone else who can remember things, take notes and advocate for you. This is a traumatic, vulnerable time and you deserve irl support purple, alongside us.

Op so you have any rl support.if you don't could you get some,as in share with someone. You need us.we are here always. But you need that tangible thing to bounce off and buffer you in rl. Give you big hugs if nothi g else.
You need to trust someone with this.they will no you and him too so find it much easier than us to support you.

Is there a dialogue that could be started now about chri stmas.perhaps a text asking what s on his list this year.even what she's into( she will hate that) also it could be a great reminder of family for him if you could say 'oh and cousin Jeff what do i get him this year( add in funny anicdote)'
Sorry if I've forgotten but do you have other family who could talk to him.or you.

Hopefully follow up visits and a big meeting will help the penny to drop for both of them that you're right to be concerned about the relationship. I'm guessing they don't know social services are planning these things yet? It sends the right message that the relationship is innapropriate and concerning to the authorities even if they can't enforce anything.

Honestly I don't know how she could continue with this relationship with social services on her back and interviews/meetings. Any sane person would drop someone if there was any hint of an accusation they might be a sexual predator with authorities getting involved. Just don't understand her at all. It would definitely freak me out.

As long as your son knows he can come home, he has options. Glad that you got to tell the sw all the details about the lunch and him not turning up to football etc.. and agree with a pp that you may need some real life support, not just mumsnet.

Thank you. It really doesn’t make sense how it’s so different between areas when it’s the same law that’s being followed. I always thought it would be the same across the country. Probably me being naive there.

We don’t have much family that we see often. None that live near. They’re all several hours away. I’m going for coffee with one of the football mums on Sunday afternoon and was going to talk to her a bit about it. She already knows a little bit as her DS has told her, so I thought she might be a good person to talk to, plus she might know something from her DS that maybe I don’t know about.

The gf is certainly brazen to just ignore everything and carry on regardless. She obviously thinks nothing will come of it and is just waiting it out.

That's great Purple, glad the other mum is meeting with you.

Give you family a call too.it doesn't matter how far away they are.if you are in need, you need them. Even if you can't go into details you could simply tell them you need support as things are hard at home.
Get some comfort from the other mum too.

@PurpleLampShades
The other Mum and her son may well be your ally in all of this.
I had a different situation years ago in that DS had a friend whose family took “ A shine” to my DS.
He would have been about 16–
They invited him there for Christmas Day ( I
lived alone with DS at time- no family)
Plus DS went missing for days on end at 17
One of his friends called round, and I was in tears with worry.
His friend said “ I can’t tell you where he is, but take a walk up x road.. you might see a familiar car” - He was with his friends family, and the adults didn’t think to tell me.

It was such a relief.

I hope your son will “ See the light” and move to a healthier life with sport and his mates.
He must surely know deep down it’s not healthy or right to suddenly cut off from his mum - it does smack of coercive control.

I hope your meet up with the other mum went well purple?

and also hope that SS get in touch this week and take time to talk you through what is happening more clearly.

I’ve just read all of your posts, and wanted to say I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I think you’ve done the right thing all along, I’ve brought my 19 yr old son up alone and would have done the same thing.

In time he will come back, the honeymoon period will wear off pretty quickly I’m sure, thinking of you x

Hope you're doing OK

Not sure that's a very positive or helpful observation LuckyLil, although being generous, it may be well intended with OP's DS welfare in mind.

I had a longer conversation with the sw today and she has clarified everything for me. A section 47 enquiry was initiated immediately after I contacted them mainly because it flagged up as a risk of CSE, which is why everything started so quickly. After they spoke to me and DS and got a bit more information they had the meeting and decided that there was no need for emergency protection measures and that it didn’t need a child protection conference. They decided that the assessment should continue because DS is a child in need. She said the whole process is treated as a single assessment overall and has a maximum of 45 days to be completed but the timescales can alter depending on the risk and needs identified. Everything is slower if it’s decided section 47 isn’t met. The meeting in a couple of weeks is to talk about the outcomes of the overall assessment and agree an action plan moving forward.

I met with the football mum for coffee and told her about things. It was good to be able to chat it through and she was so nice. I do feel better for having been able to chat to someone face to face who knows DS. She didn’t know anything I don’t already know but said she’ll let me know if she does find anything out via her DS.

DS wasn’t at football. Didn’t go to training in the week either. I haven’t heard from him at all this past week but I sent him another text just to check in and make sure he knows I’m still here. I sent it yesterday morning but no response. Last contact from him was the birthday card on 28th Oct. I’ve not seen him since the lunch we had 2 weeks ago. I really miss just chatting and having him around the house.