Do I chase RSVP? Aibu to leave it. Assume it’s a no show?

[Charliehaus]

Hello Mn,

Originally posted on wedding forum but for traffic I’ve moved it to here…. we are getting married soon and our RSVP deadline for has now gone.

i have a ‘friend’ who i feel is purposely keeping me hanging and not replying. Tbh she makes zero effort and i wouldn’t have invited her but it’s to make one of my bridesmaids happy. We used to be good friends but it’s all one way effort which I have given up on.

She lives in the states with her husband and I heard nothing from her so I thought she may not have received our invite.i messaged her yesterday, a lovely message and asked if she received our invited. She replied ‘yes’
but still no rsvp (by now she surely would have had to book flights and know if she’s back in the uk). I do try and keep in contact but she ignores my messages most of the time and makes it very clear she’s bored etc

But I hear from my friend/bridesmaid second hand that she’s booked flights and coming to the wedding which I think is entitled if she has been off with me and hasn’t rsvp’d us. It’s also awkward and makes me feel crap that I hear this second hand. It’s like I’m not good enough to be spoken to directly.

the question is what do I do? Do I message her again and ask her to rsvp?

I know it sounds ridiculous but I’m quite uncomfortable with her and feel like I’m begging her to come or at least make a thing of it which I don’t want.

im no longer close to her and she always manages to make me feel silly and shit about myself.

I obviously need final numbers

if it wasn’t for my bridesmaid I would have completely broken off the friendship and just sent a message if at all to say the deadline has passed.

thank you x

Can you be straight to the point ? Hey friend , I am putting together final arrangements for my wedding and really need final numbers . Will you be coming ? Great if you can . No worries if you can’t , I totally understand but need to know x

Just ask " So are you coming or not?"

Presumably you followed up with "Great, can I confirm that you are both planning to attend as need to confirm numbers"....

I would just send her a message to say the deadline has passed so you have given her seats to someone else and hope to see her again in the future. Tell your bridesmaid this first too and explain that she hasn't told you that she is coming. It's her own fault then if she has booked flights etc. I bet she hasn't though.

Yes this. Don't faff about, just ask if they are coming or not.

Staggeringly rude on their part.

Thank you for all your replies.
it must should so obvious but I feel she has a weird hold on me.
I don’t think we are friends at all but it’s like she’s trying to upset me.

when I messaged her I asked if she’d received the invite and I thought that would be the nudge
there was no thank you or acknowledgment that they were coming
I just find it odd and rude
but heads up to bridesmaid is a good idea

Personally, I'd assume she wasn't coming and change the numbers with your caterers, but, you seem to want her to come for the bridesmaids sake so I'd just message her one final time and ask straight out whether or not she's coming. I'd make it clear you are not happy that you haven't received an RSVP and that you are assuming, because of this, she isn't coming but you need a definite answer from her. Give her a time limit to respond 48hrs? and say if you haven't had a reply by then, you will change the numbers and it will no longer be possible for her to attend. I think you have been very nice so far and most people would have uninvited her.

Thank you

thanks for confirming it’s rude
it is rude isn’t it!

I read a lot of these threads and can never understand why so many people pussyfoot around others - why ask 'Did you get the invite?' and not also ask 'And if so, ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?'

Insane that it's even got to this. Would never have invited her to begin with. Strike her off the list. If she turns up, tough shit. Explain what a meal deal is and direct her to the nearest Tesco. If she has a Clubcard she'll get it for £3.

Thank you
that is an excellent strategic way of handling it
im very upset to hear her plans to come to my wedding via a second party

I think she’s playing some weird ham which I don’t understand
she also moaned at my friend that I was avoiding her …. She thought I was lying that I had Covid
my friend/bridesmaid knew how unwell I was but the first thing she said was ‘xxx thinks you’re in a mood with her and avoiding her’

I was gobsmacked as I had spent the week in bed and still testing for Covid
it was so odd and childish

Actually just read your upset about how she makes you feel and I think you should just assume she isn't coming. Do you really want her at your special day? I'd tell the Bridesmaid the situation and then send a short message to her saying, gather due to no confirmation received to the RSVP that you can't make it, so I've filled your places. All the best blah blah blah. I bet you soon hear from her.

Just ask straight out, dont hint or nudge.

Hi, I need to know if you will be coming to the wedding. If I don't hear from you by "date" im going to assume not and offer your place to another friend who wants to come. Thanks!

That gives a cutoff date with a definite consequence if she doesn't reply.

Love this so much 😅

😂😂

If you want to keep your bridesmaid happy could you ask her to confirm with other non-friend whether she,'s coming or not. Not ideal but at least you would know.
If she is coming then you could uninvite her.

Thank you all for confirming I am not being difficult or a bridezilla
she makes me feel shit
my lovely bridesmaid worships her and their friendship only works with her bending over backwards for her
I gave up on this years ago but then am guilt tripped by both of them to pretend at being friends
said friend has moaned to our mutual friend that she no longer has any friends ….

Just tell her the place is gone as she didn't RSVP! You never have to see her again if you don't want to, don't let this affect how you feel on your wedding day!

I thought about this but decided not to because it’s just playing into my so called friend never directly speaking to me
I think I do need to speak to my bridesmaid and tell her the situation and I do need to say to her to leave it to me. I don’t want her getting involved or trying to sort it out on my behalf.

Dear friend,

Just a quick text to confirm that you are not joining us for our wedding. The RSVP date has passed and I've now given in final numbers to the catering team. I thought that I should make all non responders aware that we have presumed they are unable to come and therefore they have been removed from the days plans.

Sorry that you are unable to join us.

Hope all is well with you.

Love Charlie

People get away with this behaviour because someone like your BM puts up with it, then wider friends enable it. She should never have been invited. She'll do you a favour if she doesn't come. Going forward be honest with your friend.

When is your actual deadline for catering?

Id tell her that date (or two days before) and just say you understand it’s a big commitment to come and you understand if it’s not possible. That you’ll be putting final numbers on on that day, so if she wants to come to say by then, otherwise that’s fine and if you don’t hear you’ll take it as a no, no pressure.

This is excellent 👌

Absolutely couldn’t agree more. I think my so called friend has serious issues and projecting
my BM indulges her all the time. But then my BM puts up with the worst relationships for no reason so I figure it must be a toxic co dependent relationship
sounds really bad but when I do stand up and say sorry you’re not included in the numbers hopefully that will draw a line in our weird friendship relationship

So send the text and let us know what she says!