Do I chase RSVP? Aibu to leave it. Assume it’s a no show?

[Charliehaus]

Hello Mn,

Originally posted on wedding forum but for traffic I’ve moved it to here…. we are getting married soon and our RSVP deadline for has now gone.

i have a ‘friend’ who i feel is purposely keeping me hanging and not replying. Tbh she makes zero effort and i wouldn’t have invited her but it’s to make one of my bridesmaids happy. We used to be good friends but it’s all one way effort which I have given up on.

She lives in the states with her husband and I heard nothing from her so I thought she may not have received our invite.i messaged her yesterday, a lovely message and asked if she received our invited. She replied ‘yes’
but still no rsvp (by now she surely would have had to book flights and know if she’s back in the uk). I do try and keep in contact but she ignores my messages most of the time and makes it very clear she’s bored etc

But I hear from my friend/bridesmaid second hand that she’s booked flights and coming to the wedding which I think is entitled if she has been off with me and hasn’t rsvp’d us. It’s also awkward and makes me feel crap that I hear this second hand. It’s like I’m not good enough to be spoken to directly.

the question is what do I do? Do I message her again and ask her to rsvp?

I know it sounds ridiculous but I’m quite uncomfortable with her and feel like I’m begging her to come or at least make a thing of it which I don’t want.

im no longer close to her and she always manages to make me feel silly and shit about myself.

I obviously need final numbers

if it wasn’t for my bridesmaid I would have completely broken off the friendship and just sent a message if at all to say the deadline has passed.

thank you x

Feel free to use it OP! If she is pissed off then no problem for you. You want out of the friendship anyway. Best way forward I think! So makes it crystal clear that she is not to attend.

If she replies with 'but we've booked our flights' then you reply with 'I'm really sorry but the arrangements are set in stone now and I can't change them.'

This is great because it looks so generic- there’s nothing personal in it, it looks like you’ve sent it to any other non-responders.

It’s weird how she is excited about the wedding to my BM but have never acknowledged even the invite from me 🤔

I remember the last time we spoke as the three of us so called friend was laughing and said she just didn’t turn up to a wedding she was invited to and used Covid as an excuse , that was on the day of the wedding!
worried even if she did say she was coming they just wouldn’t turn up
she’s incredibly selfish

This and send sooner rather than later. I'd copy in your BM so you all know the situation and your BM doesn't receive a different version from her friend.

This is excellent advice, thank you.

I need to be tough and let’s face it this was going to happen. The faux friendship was always going to end.

Yes something like this only with a if I don't get confirmation by x date I'll have to assume its a no and take you off the list

She is very rude OP. A "normal" person who'd forgotten to respond would have replied with oh yes really looking forward to it!

I'd just send one more text saying
"I don't appear to have received your RSVP. I have to confirm numbers by Friday so if I don't hear from you by then I'll assume you won't be attending. Catch up with you next time you're over"

That way it looks like you are assuming she isn't coming so she's going to have to counteract that

Well send it then!

That's so rude of her.
I'd second the advice to give a deadline by which you need to know final numbers. That way you have given her clear communication and the onus is on her to give you a response - and if you haven't heard back from her you can strike her off the guest list without feeling guilty
e.g. "In order to confirm our final numbers I need to have received all RSVP's by "x" date. If I haven't had an RSVP from you by this time I'll assume that you are not able to attend."
(and make sure "x" date is very soon and clearly stated e.g. Wed 5th October, or whatever time frame you need).

Yes she is rude, but why on earth did you send an invite and plan to pay for this person- for the sake of your BM??? Is the BM paying for their meals?

You spoke to ex 'friend' she didn't jump and say- yes, of course we are coming, or I'm really sorry we can't. Ignore and forget. You shouldn't have to chase her. RSVP date has passed- end of. Invite someone you'd like there.

If BM brings it up- well you didn't hear from rude ex 'friend' and have invited someone else- because ex 'friend' clearly wasn't coming.

Tbh it sounds like you shouldn’t have invited her in the first place, but that ship has sailed.

Not the same situation but I had a few flaky people on my invite list. When the RSVP date passed I just contacted people saying “Hey, we need to confirm numbers for our wedding. Not heard from you guys yet, please could you let me know either way by this Friday? Cheers”. All came back saying sorry we’re late in coming back, afraid we can’t sort childcare/time off work etc so won’t be able to make it”. I was ok with that. At least it was clear cut.

But your invitee sounds more tricky. At this stage my worry if I was in your shoes would be that she just turns up regardless on the day, no matter what you say/do? As much as it would be tempting to say you’re not invited anymore as per PP advice, I wonder how effective that would be if you gather she’s booked flights etc. By all means try and clarify her rsvp/tell her she’s not included in final numbers etc but I’d have a plan b of accommodating her showing up on the day. I doubt you’d want the drama of evicting someone on your wedding day so make provisions for the caterers to stick them at the back of the room (obviously in the shittest place possible) or delegate dealing with her to your fawning bridesmaid!

i have a ‘friend’ who i feel is purposely keeping me hanging and not replying. Tbh she makes zero effort and i wouldn’t have invited her but it’s to make one of my bridesmaids happy. We used to be good friends but it’s all one way effort which I have given up on.

Gosh...inviting someone you are no longer friends with to your wedding just to keep a bridesmaid happy would be a no...
Inviting someone you are no longer friends with that hasn't got the decency to reply would be a definite no.
I'd send a quick message saying sorry she you can't join you on your wedding day would have been nice to catch up and leave it at that. Not as though you're going to be bumping into her on a regular basis if she lives over seas.
It's incredibly rude to inform the bridesmaid that she will be attending but not let you know.

Your bridesmaid sounds just as entitled as your ex friend by expecting you to invite her and as you have done so she should at least remind said friend weddings take planning and can be expensive especially where catering is concerned so knowing the exact amount of numbers is an important part of that planning.

I wouldn't chase again. You've already done that by asking if she got the invite.
I'd leave it until she comes up in conversation with your bridesmaid and respond matter of factly that 'friend' didn't RSVP so obviously she isn't coming.

For those wondering why invited her we had to cancel our wedding three times and over that timeframe the friendship has broken down but because I already invited her i just felt like I had to
and it’s NOW with the lack of invite acknowledgment and her behaviour which has fully sealed it for me that we are not friends

hindsight is a wonderful thing

This is perfect.

she has had ample opportunities to reply and is clearly messing with you.

tbh, I wouldn’t want such a bitch at my wedding.

that message is polite, firm and clear. Send it and then block her.

I’m glad that no one is telling me I’m being unreasonable but yes I can understand why you would question me inviting her in the first place

I thought inviting her she’d be excited or acknowledge the invite

the weird thing is I don’t care is people can’t make my wedding it’s the lack of acknowledgment which is rude

Sadly for whatever reason she is a total bitch

i hope she doesn’t come

In that case go with the "as you haven't confirmed you are attending I have had to assume you aren't and so have removed you from the final numbers" message and be done with it.

Thank you 😊 I do feel better for having these responses and knowing that I am not being unreasonable.

She sounds like a total nightmare, I wouldn’t have her at the wedding for love nor money, she’ll ruin the day for you either by being totally passive aggressive and stressing you out or by doing something less passive!

message her now and be REALLY clear, ANY ambiguity and she’ll use it to cause more stress for you.

id go with something like:

hi “friends name” I know you’ve received our invite, but you haven’t responded to the rsvp, the deadline for which has now passed. I’ve already reached out to make sure you got the invite and you still haven’t replied with the rsvp. We’ve given the final numbers to the caterers now and we haven’t included you in that figure. If you still wish to be a part of the day you can send a card with your message of congratulations to “BM” for her to read at the speeches.
best OP

I would text her saying as you haven’t RSVP’d, I’ve assumed you’re not coming and have invited other people instead.

Don’t play around with bitches.

Are you going to send the excellent message upthread that sounds suitably generic and neutral?

I would do so right away then this is one thing off your worry list!

Don't procrastinate and give her the opportunity to take charge of what's happening and suddenly message saying she's coming etc.

Just make it clear that there is no room for her as she didn't RSVP.

But you need to do it sooner rather than later!

I was going to say that some people are rubbish at understanding what RSVP means. When we were organising our wedding we had to chase so many people who said either 'oh we're definitely coming, we'd have told you if we weren't' or 'oh we didn't reply because we can't make it '. Unhelpful!

But after reading the whole thread I don't think it's that. The ex friend seems to be taking a perverse pleasure in keeping you hanging so you have to keep contacting her and almost begging her to come. Power trip. And she has form for changing her mind on the day even if you did yet an answer out of her.

Take control. Tell her it's a shame she can't make it as the date for rsvp yes and confirming names and numbers has now passed. All the best, cheerio.

Then block if you like. It's a sham friendship and she sounds like a total arsehole who I wouldn't even want as an acquaintance.

It’s weird how she is excited about the wedding to my BM but have never acknowledged even the invite from me

You're only hearing how excited she is/she's booking her flights etc etc from your BM though, presumably?

I'm guessing she doesn't give a shiny shit about your wedding but your BM is so enthralled to her that she's projecting to you a version of events she wishes was the case.

You don't want this person at your wedding. She's clearly not bothered. She lives abroad. She hasn't replied in time. This seems perfect for everyone (apart from strangely enmeshed BM).

I think go with the email above and if you want to make it more generic BCC her and entitle it "Dear Invitee" or similar so it sounds like it really has gone to everyone.

You only get one wedding day. Only have people you really want there.

Why didn't you just reply "ok, so are you coming?"?

No need to write an essay or hint and hope she guesses what you are thinking. Just ask a simple direct question.