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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do I chase RSVP? Aibu to leave it. Assume it’s a no show?

277 replies

Charliehaus · 02/10/2022 10:17

Hello Mn,

Originally posted on wedding forum but for traffic I’ve moved it to here…. we are getting married soon and our RSVP deadline for has now gone.

i have a ‘friend’ who i feel is purposely keeping me hanging and not replying. Tbh she makes zero effort and i wouldn’t have invited her but it’s to make one of my bridesmaids happy. We used to be good friends but it’s all one way effort which I have given up on.

She lives in the states with her husband and I heard nothing from her so I thought she may not have received our invite.i messaged her yesterday, a lovely message and asked if she received our invited. She replied ‘yes’
but still no rsvp (by now she surely would have had to book flights and know if she’s back in the uk). I do try and keep in contact but she ignores my messages most of the time and makes it very clear she’s bored etc

But I hear from my friend/bridesmaid second hand that she’s booked flights and coming to the wedding which I think is entitled if she has been off with me and hasn’t rsvp’d us. It’s also awkward and makes me feel crap that I hear this second hand. It’s like I’m not good enough to be spoken to directly.

the question is what do I do? Do I message her again and ask her to rsvp?

I know it sounds ridiculous but I’m quite uncomfortable with her and feel like I’m begging her to come or at least make a thing of it which I don’t want.

im no longer close to her and she always manages to make me feel silly and shit about myself.

I obviously need final numbers

if it wasn’t for my bridesmaid I would have completely broken off the friendship and just sent a message if at all to say the deadline has passed.

thank you x

OP posts:
Ship · 02/10/2022 11:51

I would reply with

glad you’ve received it. The rsvp date has passed so I’m guessing you can’t make it. Not to worry, perhaps we can meet up another time
speak soon
charlie

this way you don’t sound gutted about her not coming which will annoy her if she has a hold over you. You’re also telling her not to worry and we can meet up again so she can’t make out you’ve been unkind

boredOf · 02/10/2022 11:52

She was a wasted invite.

YellowTreeHouse · 02/10/2022 11:53

Why are you playing around the issue? Just ask her directly “are you coming?”

Christ it doesn’t need to be so hard or full of drama.

Bonheurdupasse · 02/10/2022 11:54

OP

Make a x,y and z WhatsApp group with you, this woman and the BM friend and ask her there.
If she doesn't answer, write in that group - "BM, I can't seem to reach X. Can you get onto her and let me know [the answer re wedding]? Thanks"

UneFoisAuChalet · 02/10/2022 11:55

mamnollag · 02/10/2022 10:28

Insane that it's even got to this. Would never have invited her to begin with. Strike her off the list. If she turns up, tough shit. Explain what a meal deal is and direct her to the nearest Tesco. If she has a Clubcard she'll get it for £3.

This. She can’t be arsed to rsvp so tell your bridesmaid that you’re not including the ‘friend’ in the final numbers. Seriously OP, you don’t want her at your wedding. She makes you uncomfortable so why the hell do you want to share such a special day with the cow? Invitation rescinded.

Bunce1 · 02/10/2022 11:56

Have you replied to her?

RedHelenB · 02/10/2022 11:56

Ffsmakeitstop · 02/10/2022 10:33

If you want to keep your bridesmaid happy could you ask her to confirm with other non-friend whether she,'s coming or not. Not ideal but at least you would know.
If she is coming then you could uninvite her.

This. I'd have taken her yes to receiving the invite as her coming if you know she'll be in the UK then. The mistake you made was inviting her in the first place when you don't want her there.

Bonheurdupasse · 02/10/2022 11:56

Because I don't think any way of wording it directly but solely with her will work.
She'll just ignore you / obfuscate and then use the exchanges to badmouth you to other friends, no matter what you do.
So the only way is the to have it all in the open.

PuppyMonkey · 02/10/2022 11:57

So have you sent a text - any text - yet OP?Grin

Confusion101 · 02/10/2022 11:58

I'd honestly go with the simple "so are you coming"... Keep it simple, to the point, exact same as she did with her "yes" reply. The long winded msgs trying to be polite will just leave you more frustrated because she can pick one part to reply to and ignore the rest.

StClare101 · 02/10/2022 11:59

These threads make me want to scream!

You don’t want her there. She hasn’t met the rsvp date. Just send a simple text saying “shame you can’t make it. Let’s catch up another time”.

You’ll never hear from her again. Problem solved.

C0rnflake · 02/10/2022 12:01

I had one of these.

I messaged her and said as the RSVP date had passed and i had reminded her, I've given final numbers with her not included and therefore she's unable to come whether she was going to RSVP yes or not.

Bonheurdupasse · 02/10/2022 12:01

StClare101 · 02/10/2022 11:59

These threads make me want to scream!

You don’t want her there. She hasn’t met the rsvp date. Just send a simple text saying “shame you can’t make it. Let’s catch up another time”.

You’ll never hear from her again. Problem solved.

@StClare101 I think the problem is that this type of person will then badmouth you to everyone else.
And yes one can deal with that when it happens, but better to cut it out at the start

Derbee · 02/10/2022 12:02

Your BM can invite the Rude Woman to her wedding, she doesn’t need to be at your wedding for your BM’s sake!!!

”Hi Rude Woman,
Just a quick email to confirm that you’re not coming to our wedding. We have given all the final numbers etc to caterers from the RSVPs. BM mentioned you might be coming over to the UK in (insert month here) so may see you at some point.

Charliehaus

Lemonyfuckit · 02/10/2022 12:03

Honestly I'm amazed you would invite someone like this to your special day too, but as you have, I would simply send another message saying we have you down as not coming as the deadline has now passed and take her as a no. Or if you really really want to give her one further chance (don't know why when she's been so rude) then just say message to let me know by end of tomorrow if you're coming, if don't hear we'll put you down as a no.

PissedOffNeighbour22 · 02/10/2022 12:06

I'd use the past tense with @smokyayeaye's message, ie I assumed you weren't coming so numbers have already been finalised. She's a cow and you don't need people like that at your wedding. If she says she's coming tell her you can't make changes as the deadline has passed.
I'd also specify that it's your bridesmaid that would have loved to see her there, ie such a shame you can't make it as X would have loved to see you. Don't give her an opportunity to make you feel shit again as she's done in the past.

AbsoluteYawns · 02/10/2022 12:08

Let us know how it pans out OP.
You seem lovely but thus person is being so rude. Definitely don't allow her to come. The PPs have suggested some excellent replies!

YouSirNeighMmmm · 02/10/2022 12:08

I'd be sorely temped to to send out a generic message saying "thanks to all who have replied - numbers now confirmed" - then spend £300 or whatever it costs to have two burly bouncers at your wedding with one job - to keep her out if she does turn up.

AdInfinitum12 · 02/10/2022 12:08

PuppyMonkey · 02/10/2022 11:57

So have you sent a text - any text - yet OP?Grin

Of course she hasn't

Sallyh87 · 02/10/2022 12:09

If you don’t like her she’s done you a favour by not replying! Sounds like a cow who is playing some weird mind game. Do as other pp said, text her and confirm that you’re glad she got the invite but obviously with lack of response you have assumed she wasn’t coming. Then use the money you will save on her place on something else.

errnerrcallnernnernnern · 02/10/2022 12:09

Have you texted, OP?

ChangedNameAgain99 · 02/10/2022 12:10

Pebblebeach15 · 02/10/2022 10:20

Can you be straight to the point ? Hey friend , I am putting together final arrangements for my wedding and really need final numbers . Will you be coming ? Great if you can . No worries if you can’t , I totally understand but need to know x

Ewwwh! Don’t send this it’s so ‘beggy’ if she can’t be arsed responding by the RSVP then take it as she’s not coming

PortalooSunset · 02/10/2022 12:11

I'd have followed up straight away when she confirmed she had the invitation yesterday "So, are you coming or not then?".
She might however feel it's not necessary as she'd already accepted your invitation before your wedding date got moved 3 times? Did she respond to all of those, or just the first?
But if you really don't want her there then I agree a message conveying "we're past the rsvp date, not heard from you so have assumed you're not coming" would be best.

Original poster
Charliehaus · 02/10/2022 12:15

AdInfinitum12 · 02/10/2022 12:08

Of course she hasn't

Show quote history

Wow
I came on here for advice but there are always a few on MN who are just out to be shitty … just like my friend, you’re that catty type of woman

OP posts:
Original poster
Charliehaus · 02/10/2022 12:16

ChangedNameAgain99 · 02/10/2022 12:10

Ewwwh! Don’t send this it’s so ‘beggy’ if she can’t be arsed responding by the RSVP then take it as she’s not coming

Show quote history

So tempted.

I know everyone is saying message her message her but I need to take in all the opinions and advice besides she’s mid west America so it’s like 2am over there so I have a little time.

i appreciate all the comments apart from those who are just here to be use.

OP posts: