Do I chase RSVP? Aibu to leave it. Assume it’s a no show?

[Charliehaus]

Hello Mn,

Originally posted on wedding forum but for traffic I’ve moved it to here…. we are getting married soon and our RSVP deadline for has now gone.

i have a ‘friend’ who i feel is purposely keeping me hanging and not replying. Tbh she makes zero effort and i wouldn’t have invited her but it’s to make one of my bridesmaids happy. We used to be good friends but it’s all one way effort which I have given up on.

She lives in the states with her husband and I heard nothing from her so I thought she may not have received our invite.i messaged her yesterday, a lovely message and asked if she received our invited. She replied ‘yes’
but still no rsvp (by now she surely would have had to book flights and know if she’s back in the uk). I do try and keep in contact but she ignores my messages most of the time and makes it very clear she’s bored etc

But I hear from my friend/bridesmaid second hand that she’s booked flights and coming to the wedding which I think is entitled if she has been off with me and hasn’t rsvp’d us. It’s also awkward and makes me feel crap that I hear this second hand. It’s like I’m not good enough to be spoken to directly.

the question is what do I do? Do I message her again and ask her to rsvp?

I know it sounds ridiculous but I’m quite uncomfortable with her and feel like I’m begging her to come or at least make a thing of it which I don’t want.

im no longer close to her and she always manages to make me feel silly and shit about myself.

I obviously need final numbers

if it wasn’t for my bridesmaid I would have completely broken off the friendship and just sent a message if at all to say the deadline has passed.

thank you x

Have you sent it yet or still procrastinating?

she never rsvp’d to any of our weddings
the first one was literally three weeks before lock down and she didn’t bother replying then but I heard she had booked flights and was coming over for it 😕

I know everyone is telling me I shouldn’t have invited her but it’s the subsequent actions from 2020 onwards and I felt i was between a rock and a hard place

Please pick a message and send it. You will feel better after you have. One thing I wouldn’t do is tell your BM as she hasn’t replied, she isn’t coming. This is buying into the unkind game and will potentially cause grief between you and someone, who is actually your friend.

Wow
what gives people the right to be catty?
allowed to taken in the comments and spend a few hours deciding
its weird pressuring you feel is acceptable because you gave advise

It doesn’t really make sense until you experience it but once you stop caring about people like this, the difference it will make to your life is huge. And it actually is as simple as a decision.

Try this: sit somewhere you won’t be disturbed, with a cup of tea or similar and close your eyes and imagine yourself as a scientist of some kind, peering at her through a lens analysing her behaviour. Allow yourself to get interested, curious, but still professionally detached. Study her like you might a bug or other interesting creature.

when you get to the end of your cup of tea, stand up and think about something else.

I know that doesn’t help with the wedding planning 🙂 but apart from one decision about numbers, the rest of this mental load is in your head and it doesn’t have to be.

ffs, This isn’t hard. Wth do you do with REAL problems?

”hi friend, I’ve not had a reply from you to confirm you’re coming or not. Can you please let me know as if not I’ll need to reassign your place. Thanks”

I’d message her and say “BM thinks you are coming to my wedding. You didn’t rsvp by the deadline so I knew you were not planning on being there. Can you let her know you won’t attend? She will be disappointed.

if she says she’s still planning to attend, I’d say “deadline passed and I submitted my numbers to catering so I’m afraid that won’t be possible.”

I would message and say, Hi, I assume you are unable to attend as the RSVP date has passed and I have not heard from you. I need to confirm numbers with venue. I am just double checking with the non repliers before I remove them from the final list.

That is brilliant advice. I will use it myself!

Op. She has been extremely rude and inconsiderate.

I've read all the responses, and it's similar to all previous threads of the same vein. The answers are all of the "just text her this" "send her a message and say..."
Etc etc.

It makes me wonder if the telephone is a thing of the past now. Is direct conversation a dying breed?

Have you considered phoning her and asking her outright?

Thank you 🙏🏼

Wow
you can’t help yourself meow

I absolutely love this and am going to give it a go next time I'm giving something or someone more headspace than is deserved.

When she replies that she's received the invite would have been the ideal time to ask but you can do it now too. Just state the facts that you have to know numbers by tomorrow. You shouldn't need to chase but it will save you a potentially awkward situation on the day that you could do without

Copied and pasted and this is what I am sending her
I think this is perfect
thank you
I will wait and see the response
I wonder if she’ll simply ignore me (hopefully 😅)

Leave your bridesmaid out of it all together. She doesn’t control the guest list admin and shouldn’t really try to influence it either.
“ Hi, You recently confirmed that you did receive the invitation but in spite of that prompt, have still never responded to me whether you wish to attend or not.
Just to be clear, (from my end at least,) I’m now assured that it is therefore perfectly reasonable to assume you aren’t coming, so my final guest list, now confirmed to our caterers, reflects that assumption.

All the best. “

Hi, I assume you are unable to attend as the RSVP date has passed and I have not heard from you. I need to confirm numbers with venue. I am just double checking with the non repliers before I remove them from the final list.

This is great, I would just add a date:

Hi, I assume you are unable to attend as the RSVP date has passed and I have not heard from you. I need to confirm numbers with venue by 5pm tomorrow UK time. I am just double checking with the non repliers before I remove them from the final list.

Actually this is better!

This would clinch it for me. Send the suggested email where you tell her generically that as the deadline for RSVP-ing has passed, you presume she's not coming, caterers have been informed, what a shame, etc.

Stop being guilted into accommodating her.

@ordinarilyordinary "It makes me wonder if the telephone is a thing of the past now. Is direct conversation a dying breed?
Have you considered phoning her and asking her outright?"
This is sound common sense.

Or, you could just assume she isn't coming and carry on without her.

It's your wedding, and your money, so I don't really understand why you are tying yourself in knots to keep the bridesmaid happy ?🤔

well done for sending

You are still giving her a chance to confirm as it would be further nastyness if she starts bad mouthing you (we booked flights to UK and then were uninvited, she knew we were coming via BM)

this way, its clearly in her court, with clear consequences for not responding to say yes/no.

Yous don't appear to be friends. Yous don't even appear to like each other. I can't understand why you invited her, even if your BM did want her there, it would of been a straight no from me.

Based on that and based on her complete rudeness, I would assume its a no, strike her off the list and if she turns up tell her you weren't expecting her based on her lack of rsvp.

Absolutely no text is going to be sent today!

If you haven’t sent the text, I would also give her a 2 day deadline. Ie ‘I am confirming numbers this Tuesday, 4th October.’

This!