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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do I chase RSVP? Aibu to leave it. Assume it’s a no show?

277 replies

Charliehaus · 02/10/2022 10:17

Hello Mn,

Originally posted on wedding forum but for traffic I’ve moved it to here…. we are getting married soon and our RSVP deadline for has now gone.

i have a ‘friend’ who i feel is purposely keeping me hanging and not replying. Tbh she makes zero effort and i wouldn’t have invited her but it’s to make one of my bridesmaids happy. We used to be good friends but it’s all one way effort which I have given up on.

She lives in the states with her husband and I heard nothing from her so I thought she may not have received our invite.i messaged her yesterday, a lovely message and asked if she received our invited. She replied ‘yes’
but still no rsvp (by now she surely would have had to book flights and know if she’s back in the uk). I do try and keep in contact but she ignores my messages most of the time and makes it very clear she’s bored etc

But I hear from my friend/bridesmaid second hand that she’s booked flights and coming to the wedding which I think is entitled if she has been off with me and hasn’t rsvp’d us. It’s also awkward and makes me feel crap that I hear this second hand. It’s like I’m not good enough to be spoken to directly.

the question is what do I do? Do I message her again and ask her to rsvp?

I know it sounds ridiculous but I’m quite uncomfortable with her and feel like I’m begging her to come or at least make a thing of it which I don’t want.

im no longer close to her and she always manages to make me feel silly and shit about myself.

I obviously need final numbers

if it wasn’t for my bridesmaid I would have completely broken off the friendship and just sent a message if at all to say the deadline has passed.

thank you x

OP posts:
isitfridayyet22 · 02/10/2022 12:39

AintNoPartyLikeANumber10Party · 02/10/2022 11:36

No @Charliehaus don't hope. Take control.

Message CF ex friend: ‘Sorry you can’t attend my wedding. Hope you are keeping well. See you another time. Best wishes.’

Then tell your doormat BM that the CF missed the deadline to confirm and ignored your reminder (asking her if she had received your invitation was her opportunity). Be very clear that it is now too late for CF to confirm and attend. And if CF has booked flights but not sent an RSVP that’s on her.

Draw a line under ex-friend and enjoy your wedding with people who care about you.

Show quote history

100 % this. She’s toxic, you don’t need that shit in your life. Your BM needs to wake up and sack her off too. You
will both be a lot happier without her in your life.

Hobnobswantshernameback · 02/10/2022 12:40

Some people are so attention seeking and needy

cherrysthename · 02/10/2022 12:41

You've heard she's excited about the wedding.
You've heard she's booked the flights.
She considers herself a friend regardless of what a pain she comes across to you.
So why are you assuming she isn't coming?
Some people think that RSVPing is a formality and that it's taken as a giving they will be going, especially if they've participated in convos about the wedding. They think RSVPing is for more distant family members.

cherrysthename · 02/10/2022 12:41

As a given*

Tsort · 02/10/2022 12:41

Why do you keep going ‘wow’ and accusing people of being catty when they ask if you’ve sent a message? It’s a perfectly reasonable question, given the circumstances.

This is not a complex or difficult situation. Do you generally have an issue with direct communication?

user375242 · 02/10/2022 12:42

I'd be tempted to ignore it, not have her on the seating plan, and arrange it so the only space for her is somewhere awkward, with people she doesn't know. Ask the caterers if they can add on a children's meal, and on the day get someone to tell her she wasn't on the RSVP list but there is a children's meal going spare she can have. Act very surprised to see her. Put names on all the wedding favours if you do them etc so she can't take one intended for someone else. That removes her power on the day without you turning her away and being made out to be the bad guy.

billy1966 · 02/10/2022 12:43

OP,
You sound very nice but you are allowing someone who doesn't like you, is deliberately rude to you, to attend your wedding.
Why would you want that vibe at your special day?

Best to not contact her.
It is NOT normal to chase people for confirmation.
Those that don't reply are not attending.
Send in your figures and ignore the BM.

On the subject of your BM, is it really wise to choose a best friend who crawls after awful people and makes poor judgements constantly in her relationships?

Do you want to be around someone who constantly has drama in their life?

Why are you allowing yourself to be pressured by your BM into accepting such rudeness and disrespect at your wedding?

This woman REALLY doesn't like you.

Anyone with an ounce of sense would grab this rudeness and take it as the perfect opportunity to get out of the stupidity of asking her in the first place.

AdInfinitum12 · 02/10/2022 12:44

Charliehaus · 02/10/2022 12:15

Wow
I came on here for advice but there are always a few on MN who are just out to be shitty … just like my friend, you’re that catty type of woman

Show quote history

It's not catty at all, you've had literally a hundred different options and you'll have followed through with none of them, I'd bet my house on it.

billy1966 · 02/10/2022 12:46

isitfridayyet22 · 02/10/2022 12:39

100 % this. She’s toxic, you don’t need that shit in your life. Your BM needs to wake up and sack her off too. You
will both be a lot happier without her in your life.

Show quote history

This is also a good suggestion.

It's your wedding.
Take control.

Your BM is not a good friend.

You are going to find that out at some point to your cost.

She's a bit of a moron with awful judgement.

She couldn't possibly be a loyal friend and stand by this behaviour.

Sallyh87 · 02/10/2022 12:47

AdInfinitum12 · 02/10/2022 12:44

It's not catty at all, you've had literally a hundred different options and you'll have followed through with none of them, I'd bet my house on it.

Show quote history

She only posted a question a few hours ago, surely she is allowed some time before deciding which bits of advice to take in? Some of the comments on here are a little bit unnecessary. I don’t think it’s reasonable to get frustrated with a stranger on the internet because they are responding to something slower than you would.

JanesBond · 02/10/2022 12:54

People acting like the OP owes them something just cos they’ve posted.

Tsort · 02/10/2022 12:57

People are allowed to ask if she’s acted on the advice she’s solicited. She’s not required to respond (or to act on the advice), but she’s been calling people catty for having the temerity to ask. Of course they’ll get annoyed.

FanniesFlaps · 02/10/2022 13:01

Tsort · 02/10/2022 12:57

People are allowed to ask if she’s acted on the advice she’s solicited. She’s not required to respond (or to act on the advice), but she’s been calling people catty for having the temerity to ask. Of course they’ll get annoyed.

Tbf to the OP, some of those asking were not asking in a polite way.

GreenFly56 · 02/10/2022 13:04

I dont understand why BM seems to have a say in the guest list

Bzzz · 02/10/2022 13:09

I wouldn't ask her if she is attending, and instead would message saying that you assume they are no longer coming and you will adjust your attendee numbers as such

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 02/10/2022 13:11

It's 5am where the guest is, I'd consider it rude to send a message at that time. It would be much better to wait 3 or 4 hours so it's sent at a reasonable time of day for the recipient. Those pushing the op to send it right now are being unreasonable

Aussiegirl88 · 02/10/2022 13:14

Charliehaus · 02/10/2022 10:29

Thank you
that is an excellent strategic way of handling it
im very upset to hear her plans to come to my wedding via a second party

I think she’s playing some weird ham which I don’t understand
she also moaned at my friend that I was avoiding her …. She thought I was lying that I had Covid
my friend/bridesmaid knew how unwell I was but the first thing she said was ‘xxx thinks you’re in a mood with her and avoiding her’

I was gobsmacked as I had spent the week in bed and still testing for Covid
it was so odd and childish

Show quote history

To be honest the Bridesmaid doesn't even sound like a great friend if that's the first thing she feeds back to you after you being very sick.

Emotionalsupportviper · 02/10/2022 13:14

ILikeHotWaterBottles · 02/10/2022 10:22

I would just send her a message to say the deadline has passed so you have given her seats to someone else and hope to see her again in the future. Tell your bridesmaid this first too and explain that she hasn't told you that she is coming. It's her own fault then if she has booked flights etc. I bet she hasn't though.

I would do this.

If she throws a hissy fit, let her.

UnagiForLife · 02/10/2022 13:22

My first thought is it’s your wedding why are you inviting her if you don’t like her? She’ll ruin your day. It’s a bit late now as you haven’t invited her. Just a message saying “glad you got your invite but as the rsvp date has passed and I haven’t heard from you am I right in assuming you can’t make it? No worries if you can’t, appreciate it’s a long way to come but I’m giving final numbers to the venue tomorrow so let me know before then if you are coming.”

U1sce · 02/10/2022 13:23

I think you need to decide first if you want her to come or not. The fact she hasnt rsvped gives you the perfect way out of having to let her come - if you dont want her there then do not give her any way of wriggling her way back in. So something alonv yhe lines of 'the ravp date has passed, and just a courtesy txt to let you all know (make her think its generic and not just to her) that the numbers have been confirmed with the venue and now cannot be changed'

If you're worried about upsetting your bm sk would want her to come from that pov, then again send a generic looking text with a reminder that the rsvp date has passed and if you dont hear directly from people by tomorrow then yoh will assume theyre not coming. Dont be arsey, just to the point.

Personally I wouldnt want her to come, and if bm gets upset then Id have to have a serious talk with her about how she is being treated - she wont like it and may well end your friendship over it if she's so caught up in this other woman, but perhaps you are better off with a bit of distance from them both

milkyaqua · 02/10/2022 13:27

She's a bitch, playing games with you. You are supposed to enjoy your own wedding, you know. Her stuff with your BM is a side-issue. She's playing you off against each other, and spinning tales to your BM. She didn't RSVP. She is off the guest list. The end.

Midlifemusings · 02/10/2022 13:28

Why are you playing head games?

Be direct. Are you an adult? Act like one. Communicate.

Smileandtheworldsmileswithyou · 02/10/2022 13:30

She sounds horrible, and also like she doesn’t like you very much. Why would you want her at your wedding? Not a chance would I have someone who was that rude and who made me feel uncomfortable at my wedding! Don’t be such a walk over, tell her the deadline has passed and as you haven’t heard from her she wasn’t included in the numbers. And then don’t talk to her again, she’s a bitch. I’m assuming your bridesmaid is your good friend so just tell her this and she will understand.

AdInfinitum12 · 02/10/2022 13:31

Sallyh87 · 02/10/2022 12:47

She only posted a question a few hours ago, surely she is allowed some time before deciding which bits of advice to take in? Some of the comments on here are a little bit unnecessary. I don’t think it’s reasonable to get frustrated with a stranger on the internet because they are responding to something slower than you would.

Show quote history

I'm not frustrated. But that doesn't mean people have to sit and pander to something they think is a bit pathetic. It's a public forum, we are all entitled to voice our opinions. All these bits of advice, do you not think it's a tad ridiculous when the only course of action ends up with the OP asking this guest "are you coming or not?" What does she actually need to take in?

genuinelyaskingforafriend · 02/10/2022 13:32

I'd send one saying that "as I haven't heard from you. I'm assuming you're not coming"