Do I chase RSVP? Aibu to leave it. Assume it’s a no show?

[Charliehaus]

Hello Mn,

Originally posted on wedding forum but for traffic I’ve moved it to here…. we are getting married soon and our RSVP deadline for has now gone.

i have a ‘friend’ who i feel is purposely keeping me hanging and not replying. Tbh she makes zero effort and i wouldn’t have invited her but it’s to make one of my bridesmaids happy. We used to be good friends but it’s all one way effort which I have given up on.

She lives in the states with her husband and I heard nothing from her so I thought she may not have received our invite.i messaged her yesterday, a lovely message and asked if she received our invited. She replied ‘yes’
but still no rsvp (by now she surely would have had to book flights and know if she’s back in the uk). I do try and keep in contact but she ignores my messages most of the time and makes it very clear she’s bored etc

But I hear from my friend/bridesmaid second hand that she’s booked flights and coming to the wedding which I think is entitled if she has been off with me and hasn’t rsvp’d us. It’s also awkward and makes me feel crap that I hear this second hand. It’s like I’m not good enough to be spoken to directly.

the question is what do I do? Do I message her again and ask her to rsvp?

I know it sounds ridiculous but I’m quite uncomfortable with her and feel like I’m begging her to come or at least make a thing of it which I don’t want.

im no longer close to her and she always manages to make me feel silly and shit about myself.

I obviously need final numbers

if it wasn’t for my bridesmaid I would have completely broken off the friendship and just sent a message if at all to say the deadline has passed.

thank you x

She's on a massive power trip. Was she expecting to be bridesmaid and is disgruntled she's not and this is her pass-agg way of dealing with it?

Definitely send HavfrueDenizKisi's message.

By being to the point and not happy to take the weird power play the 'friend' is doing, you're also demonstrating to your bridesmaid a different behaviour. Hopefully you'll be able to tell her ' oh I've messaged and asked her straight out if she's attending or not, with a deadline. I've not got space to deal with those stupid power games' and bm will see that your way is possible!

I had a 'friend' a bit like this during my RSVP window for my wedding, I nudged her a few times but got so cross with not having a straight/formal response. It was £120 a head and she would have been attending with her OH. In the end and after another month of silence I decided I didn't need the stress of wondering if she would or wouldn't show up on the day, so I texted to say sorry I wouldn't be seeing her at the wedding, hope alls well and catch up another time. She replied saying she'd had so much going on and she'd responded verbally, wasn't that enough? (It was the kind of menu where I needed their choices and she hadn't given them). In hindsight she'd always been a bit of a self-involved and flakey friend, and going into the marriage without the stress of other peoples selfishness was more important to me than maintaining the friendship - we haven't spoken since, she didn't send congratulations on the day or anything, and I don't miss her, so it was the right thing to do.

Your bm is a people pleaser so will say what she thinks you want to hear and likewise be encouraging her friend with how keen you are for her to be there,

I never understand why people can't just pick up the phone.
Pick.up.the.phone.
Call her and ask out straight.
1 minute. You will have an answer.

And yes as an above PP said, if your bridesmaid is a true friend she'll understand you can do without this stress, no matter how enthralled they are to this person!

YANBU

I think rather than give her a deadline just drop her.

Especially with what you said about her not attending last minute and using covid as an excuse for a different wedding.
She might do the same to you

So are you actually going to message her or are you just wanting validation she's not a friend?

I wouldn’t giver any more chances. She is v rude. She makes you feel crap. You don’t want her there. She hasn’t confirmed. She could of done that when you messaged her. She is behaving badly. Don’t rise to it. Just strike her off your numbers and enjoy the wedding. No big drama or explanation to your BM. She didn’t RSVP. You messaged her to prompt her. She still didn’t confirm therefore we have assumed she isn’t coming to the wedding. Job done.

for your friends sake i'd just send one final message to say you need to know by end of Monday/Tuesday and if you don't hear anything you will have to assume they are not coming.

this avoids any accusation that "you knew they were coming as the BM told you"

Let us know when you've chucked her in the bin

No @Charliehaus don't hope. Take control.

Message CF ex friend: ‘Sorry you can’t attend my wedding. Hope you are keeping well. See you another time. Best wishes.’

Then tell your doormat BM that the CF missed the deadline to confirm and ignored your reminder (asking her if she had received your invitation was her opportunity). Be very clear that it is now too late for CF to confirm and attend. And if CF has booked flights but not sent an RSVP that’s on her.

Draw a line under ex-friend and enjoy your wedding with people who care about you.

Your bridesmaid has told you she has booked flights and is coming, if you want to hear it directly from her just ask her directly 🤦🏻‍♀️. You are getting your knickers in such a twist about one guest! Surely you have more important weddings things to be worrying about?

'Good to hear you got the invite. I didn't get an RSVP from you by the deadline so I assume you aren't coming to the wedding, which is a shame but of course I understand. BM said you're planning to be over around that time so maybe we can meet up for a drink separate from the wedding?'

I think I’ll do this …. Simpler the better.

I do believe it’s a power trip and I also believe that she doesn’t give a shit about me or the wedding. If she is coming back to the uk it’s Because it suits her and she would have done this regardless
I’m sure she has the mindset of seeing how she feels on the day RE attending a wedding or not.

i find it perverse that my BM is so obsessed with her and she gives nothing back.

i want nothing to do with her. My BM doesn’t see it and I sometimes feel forced into this non existent friendship to please the BM.

Should I let my bridesmaid know? My gut is to say no and just send the message.

Why is there always one? I understand there are other things to worry about and thanks for being patronising for my he sake of it but I came on here looking for advice
I really don’t need to be spoken down to .

This

I would use the fact she hadn't responded as reason to drop her once and for all.

It's your wedding and she still has a hold over you over the ocean.

You'll feel so much better removing that toxicity from your day and your life.

Actually this is perfect 👍
thank you I like this one
And agree with all those saying take control and just shut her down

Just send a message and stop prevaricating. A simple message saying the RSVP date has passed and you need to know immediately if she is coming or not as numbers have to be finalised. Also add that if you don't hear from her with 24 hours you will assume she isn't coming.

Phone her or message her and say:

"RSVP deadline was X date, I have to give final numbers to venue tomorrow, bridesmaid seems to think you have booked flights and are coming, if so please let me know today. If I don't hear from you I'll assume you can't make it - no problem either way but we need to confirm numbers"

Agree 100%
use facts
means in the long run I don’t have to deal with her

I invited a distant cousin from the USA who didn’t rsvp which I took as a no; but he showed up at the ceremony! It didn’t matter b/c we could fit him in and aside from it surprising us all we were pleased to see him (no weird relationship issues). As pp have said: just ask straight out and say you need to confirm numbers w the caterers tomorrow morning.

I would go with 'As you haven't RSVP'd I won't include you in the final numbers for the venue on Tuesday unless you get back to me today'.

I'd uninvite the rude bitch.