Feel used by step kids

[Strugglinsm]

Hi, first time post, please be kind, but I could do with an outside view.
Basically I have been in relationship with my partner for almost 6 years. He has 4 children and when we first met, eldest was at uni, middle 2 lived with him and youngest was 50-50 between him and his ex. All was fine for 4 years, I had my own flat, visited him mainly at weekends, he would come to me mid week if youngest child not around, it worked great. When I was at his house I was always polite and respectful to the kids, interested in what they were doing, even used to bake cakes to take round, helped with cooking, laundry, lifts out etc. But I always had my own place to go back to, my little cave!
I should probably say that I do not have children of my own, and we are both in our 50s.
Anyway, 2 years ago, third child left for uni and his ex pushed for the family home to be sold, she wanted her money. The agreement had always been that he could live there with the kids until the eldest 3 left home so it wasn’t unexpected. He moved in with me to my 2 bed flat and I sacrificed my study to become a bedroom for youngest child to be able to continue to visit with his dad. When older kids came back in uni hols they had to stay with other friends or relatives, their mother being in the same position as us.
Last year his ex moved to France taking youngest child with her and we moved out of the flat and bought a house together.
My issue (sorry it took so long to get here!) is that now, all 4 of the kids turn up to ‘visit’ usually at the same time/overlapping and often at short notice. There was at least one of the here for the whole of July and august…10 weeks..I hate the way they treat me and the house. They treat it like a b&b, never sit with us to eat, bring friends back to stay over, help themselves to food and drink without asking, never replace anything they’ve used, towels all over bathroom floor etc. I guess it’s good they are comfortable and treating it like home, but it stresses me enormously. I hate not knowing who’s in the house….I hate meeting total strangers in the kitchen in the morning because one of them got lucky the previous eve….I hate my car being blocked on the drive by one of their mates who leaves it there when they go out….I hate being told ‘to chill’ when I complain about them leaving dirty dishes and laundry everywhere. I can’t relax, I’m tense all the time and I do snap at them, its causing problems between me and my partner as he is just pleased to see them and have his family around him, but it’s not the new family home…it’s my home and his and they are guests…These are not children, the eldest 3 have all now graduated and are over 21, even the youngest is 15 but he copies the elder siblings. I feel like they just use us as a free hotel. I admit I am not used to sharing my space with others, but I do not think it unreasonable that when they visit they are polite and respectful, not just coming in the door and upstairs to their rooms without even saying hello. I view them as selfish, when their father was in hospital, none of them came to visit him, nor did they ring me to see how I was coping.
Now they want to come to stay when we have plans to be away. I have said no, but their dad sees no reason why they can’t just stay here alone. AIBU in feeling upset and unsupported? I do not want people I don’t trust staying in my house while I’m away.

I think you need to think about what you want and how much it's worth to you. They're treating it like they would have treated their original home with their dad. You and she need to either find common ground or live separately. Personally I couldn't accept strangers staying over in my house without my prior knowledge. I'm fairly certain my parents wouldn't have accepted that either. I know once an adult my brother would come home without sticking his head in to say hello to my parents which boggled my mind I thought it was so rude. But they felt it wasnt the bill to die on and they accepted that but challenged other things.

Yeah it sounds difficult! What is the situation with the kids living circumstances? Do the eldest three have jobs and their own homes now or are they still based at their mums house? I don’t think there is anything wrong with the 15 year old visiting whenever as (I presume) he has his own bedroom at yours? The eldest three however do need to treat your home respectfully and let you or their dad know when they plan on visiting. Unfortunately it is only really their dad that can put this in place and enforce it so unless you get his support I can’t see the situation changing.

Bottom line, you made a huge mistake buying a home with a an who has children. This just doesn't suit you, at all. You're not selfish, you just can't handle this set-up. Unfortunately, the home belongs to your partner, too, and his kids are part of the deal. Unless your partner will agree to certain ground rules about them visiting, you will be much happier going your separate ways.

Honestly - that sounds like normal adult DC behaviour to me. The issue is, they aren't guests - they're family, so they'll treat the house like that. It is a new family home in a sense, any home you buy with their dad will be viewed that way - I think the mistake is perhaps you not being aware of that before buying. They don't suddenly become totally independent at 21, there's so many adults in their 30s living at home etc I think it would be strange to not expect any home their dad is living in to not be fairly open to them. I think maybe as you don't have DC, you might not be able to see if from your partners side - of course he'd be happy with them staying in your house, it's his children, so to him it isn't people he doesn't trust etc.

Perhaps you might need to have a think as I don't think it'll be changing, he's not likely to start cutting them off or putting your boundaries in place now, if he hasn't already. It's a slightly incompatible view to hold when your partner has multiple DC.

They're acting like you're their mother, which is nice (apart from all the reasons you've described).

Have you actually discussed the situation with your OH at all OP? Did you discuss it before you decided to buy together? Have you discussed how you feel now? Maybe you should give him your computer with your post open, and say 'read that'. It definitely sounds like you're coming at the situation from totally different angles, and of course as a father, he's going to love having his grown children treat his house as their home, but as you've not had children, this is obviously all new to you, and so you MUST discuss your feelings and expectations honestly with him, and try and reach a compromise that leaves you both feeling happier, otherwise, I think you will find you part ways pretty quickly.

I think, in the kindest way possible, you've been naive in getting into a relationship with a man with teenage kids and not being prepared to have them in your life in a significant way. I also think your partner and his ex are appalling, to be perfectly honest, making things so that their kids at uni had nowhere to come home to in the summer. I think you need to sell the house, buy your own house/flat, and see your partner at the weekends as you did before.

These are adults who are visiting, you do have agency. Use it. Disagree completely with pp who say you need to accept it. You don't. Write down your house rules, as you have listed them here.

1. When you arrive here say hello to us.
2. Don't bring round a friend to stay without permission.
3. No total strangers in the house in the morning.
4. If you use a plate, wash it

Show the list to your do, explain how unhappy you are, and tell him you need his backing and the kids need to follow these rules, and if he doesn't agree to back you on this, at any point, you are out. Mean this.

Get the kids together or individually, doesn't matter, explain rules. Have a plan in place for what happens if they are not followed. You must decide yourself what those consequences are. You could decide grade a infractions - stranger in house at breakfast - kid needs to leave, or grade b infraction, plates not washed, penalty is a pocket money deduction, or they clean the bathroom, mow the lawn, that type of thing.

Then put the list on the fridge, give each of them a copy and refer to the house rules consistently. Make sure you make a point of noticing and commenting on each and every infraction.

Make sure when you present this to them, and throughout the process, that you talk about mutual respect, and the need to demonstrate mutual respect because you cannot live without it

Good luck, stand firm, and remember you are not wanting any more than they should be doing anyway.

Oh my heart sank when I'd heard you'd bought somewhere together. I wouldn't have done that until all four children had their own homes - if then.

Is there any way you can sell up and go back to how it was before?

I wouldn't let any of my own children treat me or my house like that.

You need some boundaries. There should be a middle ground here.

None of the pleasures of motherhood, plenty of the downsides. OP, you need to set some ground rules based on common courtesy. Not treating your home as a hotel, blocking your car, leaving washing/up for the ‘servant’ to do. They are all adults except the youngest.

If they won’t show you any basic respect, I would be looking at moving into my own place, if you could afford it.

The Problem: they think the house is their home, you don’t.

Either it is, or it ain’t.

I don’t think I could cope with this, I think I’d have to sell up and buy an apartment just for me.

I think it was really selfish and uncaring of their parents to downsize before they had even left home. Going to Uni is not leaving home, Uni terms last less than half the year. And as for the youngest ‘visiting’… no, staying in her home that is her Dad’s home… except he had moved in with you.

It is completely normal, IME, for young adults to ‘come home’ for birthdays, Christmas, summer visits, reconvene with local friends etc. I will not be moving away or downsizing until my youngest is well established in a home of their own.

They are viewing your house ad their family home.

However, it isn’t unreasonable to expect and ask them to behave reasonably, put towels away, help with cooking and clearing up.

Your DH needs to get a handle on it. ‘Guys, please, clear up properly!’ Yelled as often as needed.

Get a two bed flat back

I think it's more the case that their dad has failed to make enough space in his home for them.

They are very young adults, not established in their own permanent homes, so wherever their dad is is still their home. He was premature selling up and moving in with you if you did not agree to this and you were very naïve to think they had "left home". It is time to accept you have both screwed up here.

Nothing wrong with setting the boundaries that even parents who are together would agree to with their adult children - no ONS, contribute to keeping the house tidy etc, be respectful of each other. You need to accept this is their home and with your dh agree on reasonable boundaries, then your dh needs to insist they are respected.

If your dh isn't parenting his children you speak to him or agree to live separately until they have completely flown the nest.

I think you should sit down with you partner and set ground rules. Things like:

No overnight stays without agreement
No random hook ups - they can pay for a hotel
Allocation of a snack cupboard and fridge food - if you have space for 2 fridges, even better.
Tidying up rules.
What about cleaning and washing their clothes? - also set expectations etc.

They will eat your food and not expect to buy their own. This is entirely normal at their age. I wouldn’t expect my mum to have to bring all her food when she comes to stay either, would you? Besides they’re not guests, this is still their home.

Eating together isn’t always going to work. I would establish something like a once a week Sunday / Saturday meal together to catch up, where you ‘invite’ the kids and maybe try to get them to meal plan / cook one evening a week or something.

I would approach it as you and their dad went in together so that everyone has a nice home to come back to. However, for it to be a nice home, there needs to be respect on both sides. They’re getting older now and you’re looking to have more of an adult relationship with them. So this is what you’re looking for from the, This all needs to be a United front from you and your dh of course.

Well, what a marvellous situation for him, you housing him when he had to sell up.
A lot of what you describe is normal adult child behaviour, and you sound quite naïve not realising this. It’s their home, in that it’s their dad’s home.
It sounds like a mistake to have bought together.
You need to either live separately again, or set rules with his agreement that make it bearable until they’re older - but realistically that’s 10 years away.

This is such a hard one. I didn’t answer either way because I wasn’t sure you were or weren’t BU.

I think their behaviour is probably fairly typical of young adult children returning home after uni. As PP states this is an issue for your partner to manage through parenting and setting expectations and boundaries.

It is your home so it’s not unreasonable to want it treated with respect and to feel comfortable.

if I were you I’d have a good think about what are the things that really are an issue and what are the things that you can let slide as they aren’t so important and are what naturally comes with teens/young adults. Then present the main issues to your partner and ask him to look for solutions with his children so that you can reach a compromise.

Wherw are the oldest 3 living the rest of the time if they’ve left uni then? Why are they returning to dads home if they live elsewhere?

Start making their stays a little less pleasant. Start dumping the wet towels on their beds, same for the laundry, if it needs washing then they do it themselves.
This is your house as well as their dads and they all, including him, needs firmly reminding of this. It isn’t a hotel or a B&B. Don’t let them walk all over you, find your voice and use it. Tell them finding strangers in YOUR house without them asking if they can stay is disrespectful and thoughtless.
The older three: Do they contribute to food, utilities, if not they should. They are adults and as such should act like it, not teenagers.

Nooooooo.
This isn't newly left home teens dossing down the odd night. This lot have graduated and I assume are working - and why are they coming home so much. Once my DCs got full time jobs I hardly saw them - because they had their own life to lead and a full time job.
This is not on - SURELY they have their own homes.
Have a conversation with DH first, DCs second.

I would also say that if DH doesn't see where you are coming from sell the house and both have your own homes.

Good Lord! Even when my parents were together, no one brought home
their latest conquests or one night stands! That would be stopping straight away. It’s your DH you have a problem with though. He’s enabled this to happen. He needs to tell them to have more respect for you.

I wouldn't dream of even staying at my own parents (still married!) house while they were away.
YANBU. I would be wanting to sell the house and live separately! Failing that send them a message explaining your away when they want to visit and unfortunately will need to stay elsewhere.