Feel used by step kids

[Strugglinsm]

Hi, first time post, please be kind, but I could do with an outside view.
Basically I have been in relationship with my partner for almost 6 years. He has 4 children and when we first met, eldest was at uni, middle 2 lived with him and youngest was 50-50 between him and his ex. All was fine for 4 years, I had my own flat, visited him mainly at weekends, he would come to me mid week if youngest child not around, it worked great. When I was at his house I was always polite and respectful to the kids, interested in what they were doing, even used to bake cakes to take round, helped with cooking, laundry, lifts out etc. But I always had my own place to go back to, my little cave!
I should probably say that I do not have children of my own, and we are both in our 50s.
Anyway, 2 years ago, third child left for uni and his ex pushed for the family home to be sold, she wanted her money. The agreement had always been that he could live there with the kids until the eldest 3 left home so it wasn’t unexpected. He moved in with me to my 2 bed flat and I sacrificed my study to become a bedroom for youngest child to be able to continue to visit with his dad. When older kids came back in uni hols they had to stay with other friends or relatives, their mother being in the same position as us.
Last year his ex moved to France taking youngest child with her and we moved out of the flat and bought a house together.
My issue (sorry it took so long to get here!) is that now, all 4 of the kids turn up to ‘visit’ usually at the same time/overlapping and often at short notice. There was at least one of the here for the whole of July and august…10 weeks..I hate the way they treat me and the house. They treat it like a b&b, never sit with us to eat, bring friends back to stay over, help themselves to food and drink without asking, never replace anything they’ve used, towels all over bathroom floor etc. I guess it’s good they are comfortable and treating it like home, but it stresses me enormously. I hate not knowing who’s in the house….I hate meeting total strangers in the kitchen in the morning because one of them got lucky the previous eve….I hate my car being blocked on the drive by one of their mates who leaves it there when they go out….I hate being told ‘to chill’ when I complain about them leaving dirty dishes and laundry everywhere. I can’t relax, I’m tense all the time and I do snap at them, its causing problems between me and my partner as he is just pleased to see them and have his family around him, but it’s not the new family home…it’s my home and his and they are guests…These are not children, the eldest 3 have all now graduated and are over 21, even the youngest is 15 but he copies the elder siblings. I feel like they just use us as a free hotel. I admit I am not used to sharing my space with others, but I do not think it unreasonable that when they visit they are polite and respectful, not just coming in the door and upstairs to their rooms without even saying hello. I view them as selfish, when their father was in hospital, none of them came to visit him, nor did they ring me to see how I was coping.
Now they want to come to stay when we have plans to be away. I have said no, but their dad sees no reason why they can’t just stay here alone. AIBU in feeling upset and unsupported? I do not want people I don’t trust staying in my house while I’m away.

Set your ground rules, discuss with husband then inform the 'children'. If they don't like it they don't have to stay. It's what bio parents would do, not indulge them. The ones bringing friends need to get permission first and act appropriately. They're taking advantage of their dad, who has guilt issues due to them being from 'broken home'. He sounds like a lovely man who finds it hard to say no. You man up for him. Be happy in your home!

They’re turning up unannounced to WFH at your home for long periods of time? Why? You can add ‘free WeWork’ to the ‘hotel’ you’re providing.

This is not going to improve any time soon, OP. I’d be really clear about what you want your life to look like in the next few years and how you’re going to make it happen while your husband’s head is in the sand and his man baby sons are calling the shots.

Thanks for the update, @Strugglinsm. Sounds like you need ground rules more than ever, starting with DH. Time to get head out sand and get his children to behave, otherwise divvy up huse and his kids not allowed in your half. The two WFH kids who rock up and stay forever although they have their own home need to be told to check with you first and have an end date that suits you. As for stroppy girl kid3 now at uni, Id stop giving in to demands for special food - unless its an allergy, whats in the house is what there is and she must adjust.

No need to accept wet dirty towels - someone suggested just giving one towel and hiding the rest, well not a bad idea, Id give two each. If you have to pick up used towels Id put wet towel on the bed of which ever one it is, and make it clear where the washing machine is if they want to wash it. Tell them Tuesday or whatever is laundry day and youll do the towels then IF placed in laundry basket that mornnig, otherwise up to them. And stick to it! No more overnight guests without obtaining permission first - and not asking when theyre already there but before the friend comes round so no blackmail with friend standing there making it hard to say no. These really are just basic courtesies, from bio, step or guest people. DH needs to man up - if you show your united on these very basic things, the situation will get better.

I’m so curious whether fact you don’t have children was an active decision on your part op?

Why??

because it is so bizarre to take an active decision not to be a parent and yet start a relationship with a man with responsibility for 4 children, some of whom still very much require parenting.

Is it??

You would find this hypothetical situation 'bizarre'? I wouldn't.

There’s a difference between choosing to have babies, doing the toddler years, the schooling, the whole parenting a child thing and having a relationship with someone who’s kids are over 20 and are capable of being independent. (Not that this lot are….yet…hang in OP)

That’s the beauty of the human race - all different views and opinions, hence why mumsnet is so popular…. Way to air them!

He has 4 children and when we first met, eldest was at uni, middle 2 lived with him and youngest was 50-50 between him and his ex. All was fine for 4 years, I had my own flat, visited

Clearly not all in their twenties when they embarked on the relationship

Very true.

I think after op’s update, he’s absolutely trying his level best. He’ been through a tumultuous time. 3 kids full time through school whilst also working full time 50/50 with the the 4th / youngest, a house move, covid (like everyone else), a forced house sale and a stroke post covid.

If he was a close friend I’d be suggesting that he just took some time for himself, prioritised himself and his children for the time being rather than add extra stress by dealing with an unhappy partner

@Doingprettywellthanks

yeah and he’d probably be doing Op a massive favour in the other process.

He can prioritise his kids and they can all live together with never any food and wet towels all over and randoms coming and going at his son/ daughters whim

and all the while op can chill in her own little
place

I know which id prefer!!

And perhaps learn from the experience and dodge single dads who have 4 kids and many years of drama!

I agree that your step kids need to be more respectful but really they're acting like normal young adults do in their family home, you maybe don't see it op but as you've said their dad raised them and where he is becomes they're "proper" home. Until they have flats or houses of their own (rented on their own without flat mates or bought) your house will be there home. I "left home" at 22 but didn't fully move all my stuff out until I bought my own flat 2 years later.
My husband left home at 18 but until last year when he moved into my flat age 29 everything was still registered at his mum's because that was his permanent home.
You might have a better relationship with your step kids if they felt more welcome and less like your doing them a favour by letting their family be together occasionally. The way they see it is their dad has bought a new family home where you also live, they don't see it as just a home for you and your husband. Regardless of age these kids need that sense of security that they have somewhere to go, that doesn't magically go away when you turn 18 or when you graduate uni. As the youngest is 15 you have to be prepared that you could have another 15 years of being a family home.

This.

I would never have treated my parents like this at their age, they are being incredibly disrespectful

I agree. (And I’m often critical of SM behaviour here).

They’re adults so this is not their primary home - in fact it never was. Even if it was I think they’re taking the piss. I don’t agree with some posters who say that’s how kids treat their parents - never come across it, personally.

Lots of sensible ground rules or they don’t stay!

Lots of good yet realistic middle ground here

I've always thought a good middle ground for my own children was, 'don't treat me like a servant'.

Unfortunately I think 'burying his head in the sand' actually means shut the fuck up and skivvy for my adult children.

I also don't think he is necessarily a fantastic Dad for paying his children through university. Part of being responsible as an adult is understanding your choices have financial consequences.

They don't sound respectful in any way. Did you say the daughter doesn't actually speak to you? No one would stay in my house if they didn't speak to me.

The best towels solution I've seen with a big family - five kids all living at home - was to have a set of stripy towels with a different colour for each person - it becomes really clear quickly who is leaving their wet towels on the floor etc.

And those who are careful with towels etc don't get unfairly penalized.

@wordler i might try this approach with my two (17 and 14). I’m about to put a towel wash on and I know I’ll be picking some up from floors….and both will deny responsibility.🤣

My kids had different coloured towels and face cloths. And I had another colour. Worked for us.

I can't even imagine one of my (now young adult) DC or DSC deliberately dumping a used towel on a floor where I lived. Just wouldn't happen. Life should be fun for all, not a drudge for one.

really they're acting like normal young adults do

Many posters don’t agree with this. Either way, the OP is not happy for their behaviour to stay as it is.