Feel used by step kids

[Strugglinsm]

Hi, first time post, please be kind, but I could do with an outside view.
Basically I have been in relationship with my partner for almost 6 years. He has 4 children and when we first met, eldest was at uni, middle 2 lived with him and youngest was 50-50 between him and his ex. All was fine for 4 years, I had my own flat, visited him mainly at weekends, he would come to me mid week if youngest child not around, it worked great. When I was at his house I was always polite and respectful to the kids, interested in what they were doing, even used to bake cakes to take round, helped with cooking, laundry, lifts out etc. But I always had my own place to go back to, my little cave!
I should probably say that I do not have children of my own, and we are both in our 50s.
Anyway, 2 years ago, third child left for uni and his ex pushed for the family home to be sold, she wanted her money. The agreement had always been that he could live there with the kids until the eldest 3 left home so it wasn’t unexpected. He moved in with me to my 2 bed flat and I sacrificed my study to become a bedroom for youngest child to be able to continue to visit with his dad. When older kids came back in uni hols they had to stay with other friends or relatives, their mother being in the same position as us.
Last year his ex moved to France taking youngest child with her and we moved out of the flat and bought a house together.
My issue (sorry it took so long to get here!) is that now, all 4 of the kids turn up to ‘visit’ usually at the same time/overlapping and often at short notice. There was at least one of the here for the whole of July and august…10 weeks..I hate the way they treat me and the house. They treat it like a b&b, never sit with us to eat, bring friends back to stay over, help themselves to food and drink without asking, never replace anything they’ve used, towels all over bathroom floor etc. I guess it’s good they are comfortable and treating it like home, but it stresses me enormously. I hate not knowing who’s in the house….I hate meeting total strangers in the kitchen in the morning because one of them got lucky the previous eve….I hate my car being blocked on the drive by one of their mates who leaves it there when they go out….I hate being told ‘to chill’ when I complain about them leaving dirty dishes and laundry everywhere. I can’t relax, I’m tense all the time and I do snap at them, its causing problems between me and my partner as he is just pleased to see them and have his family around him, but it’s not the new family home…it’s my home and his and they are guests…These are not children, the eldest 3 have all now graduated and are over 21, even the youngest is 15 but he copies the elder siblings. I feel like they just use us as a free hotel. I admit I am not used to sharing my space with others, but I do not think it unreasonable that when they visit they are polite and respectful, not just coming in the door and upstairs to their rooms without even saying hello. I view them as selfish, when their father was in hospital, none of them came to visit him, nor did they ring me to see how I was coping.
Now they want to come to stay when we have plans to be away. I have said no, but their dad sees no reason why they can’t just stay here alone. AIBU in feeling upset and unsupported? I do not want people I don’t trust staying in my house while I’m away.

Agreed and it’s too expensive to move out. You could have decades of this op. Sorry to say that.

Yeah boundaries. especially over parking and visitors.

I am surprised to hear that a lot of people think this is normal behaviour for adult children at home... regardless of step or not. When I visited my mother and stepfather at their home as an adult, I certainly didn't leave towels on the floor or washing up for them to do. Those are quite inconsiderate things to do, expecting parents to tidy after you when you are an adult yourself.

There's two issues - having notice when they visit, and basic manners/expectations in the house imo

Unfortunately it is a DP problem though as he has raised his kids thinking this is fine

Was your decision not to have children a conscious one ie wasn’t because you wanted children but couldn’t?

It sounds awful tbh. 4 grown kids is a lot, especially when you’re used to time to yourself.

From a purely financial/labour point of view, he's used to provide half the equity for a home for him and his kids, and piles of free labour for him and them.

With utilities going sky high you can expect one hell of a bill over the next six months.

I have never heard of ANYONE allowing their kids rock up with one nights stands.

Knocking shop is right.
Unbelievable.

OP your boundaries are really very poor that you would tolerate this.

You are no distance from a couple of them moving home with a partner in tow.

That's what kids do if they can get away with it, their parents are mugs and they have zero respect for them.

You could easily have a full 15 years of this ahead of you.

A revolving door of you paying for his kids as they use and thrash your home.

Get out now.
This is not fixable.

How you cannot see how you have been used by him is extraordinary.

This move was NEVER about you or in your best interests.

Ever.

I think you need to tell your dp you are unhappy. Explain you need your own space and whilst you could share that space with him you can't tolerate getting up having strangers in your kitchen. I would sell house. Buy your own place flat or house and tell him to do the same. Then let him come to visit you at your house/flat and he can have as many children plus strangers as he pleases in his personal space. You won't be happy especially as he is not setting out any rules for his children to follow.

Also the people saying this is normal behaviour for teen-agers and young adults at home..... You're out of your fkg tree.

We would never ever ever have been allowed to bring shags in our family home, wouldnt have been allowed (at the very very least) not to throw our laundry in a laundry bin, not been let think it was no big deal to block out parents cars in (!), wouldn't have been let feel.it was ok to not clear our own plates to the dish washer etc etc.

We were expected to, at the very least, set up the table for meals and clear our own (or all) stuff after, we were asked to make tea and supper (pancakes, toast etc) for our parents .... I could go on.

They sound like selfish, disrespectful shits.

Why are they visiting so often? My adult son lives 30 minutes away and hardly ever visits, as he has his own life and always something going on near how own home.

YANBU but it's your husband you need to sit down and sort this out with, first and foremost. You're not the unpaid servant there to clean up after anyone. Neither is it acceptable for them to arrive at all times without as much as by your leave.

As for having random people appearing and staying over as they please. Not a chance. This could be make or break with your relationship and your husband needs to realise that.

They are going to treat it like a new family home, as in effect, that's what it is. When their childhood home was sold, I don't think it's unreasonable for them to view the new home that their father moves into as a new "family home" as it is their fathers home. I imagine they felt a bit displayed when he moved into your flat, and a bit "homeless". They may well have their own homes, but in my experience the family home doesn't stop being "home" to adult DC until they're much older, which is natural. That doesn't mean you can't have some ground rules, I'd absolutely be asking your DH to explain what sort of behaviour is acceptable and what is not, homes can still have rules for all occupants. But I do think you're unreasonable to expect them to behave like guests, and not treat your house a bit like their home. Adult DC's should always have a home in their parents houses imo.

Oh and on the subject of bringing randomers back to the family home, perhaps you live in affluent utopia, but in my region, if enough of them were brought back, stuff of value might well be nicked by the time they left.

Very disrespectful and irresponsible by the "step" children.

Your partner does not sound like a good un that he's not challenged all this stuff looooong before now.

Just tell them they are not to bring round Friends or other guests that you don’t know as They do not live there I don’t know why they would think it’s ok to bring back a one night stand or friend .. I wouldn’t even expect they do that in a house where both mum and dad was present let alone you..
If They have partners who come round with them that’s different but not some conquest ..and I would definitely not be allowing these new boyfriend or friends to stay over either or park the car behind mine blocking me in .

If they want to have friends stay with them they can get a B&B or hotel . They are there to visit their Father, so shouldn’t be having mates round .. You should tell them that although they are always welcome it is not an extended family home and if they want to stay Long periods of time They will need to let you and your partner know in advance.
Understand your partner he’s not bothered by them because they are his children but you need to remind him that they are not YOUR children and They are now fully grown adults and shouldn’t be throwning around towels On the bathroom floor and creating a mess, That’s just bad manners

But why would you treat your own home so shoddily, leaving towels all the bathroom floor (who's supposed to pick them up?), leaving dirty dishes and laundry everywhere (who's supposed to wash it all?), and not replacing food and drink you've used (who's supposed to go and buy some more?).

If I started behaving like that around other adults I'd expect to be bollocked, and then possibly put under some sort of medical examination.

I feel for the children a bit. Imagine coming home in the university holidays and having no place to actually call home. Like someone else has said, you’ve bought together too soon. Kids don’t leave home at 18 these days and never return. Average first time buyer is 34 now so you could have many years of them treating your house as theirs. Like someone else said, they’re not guests, they’re your partners family. Taking on a man with four kids was never going to be plain sailing. I don’t think they’re using you, they sound like typical young adults.

I would have run the second I found out about his situation. But all you can do now is get him on board with laying down house rules which must be stuck to religiously.

I think their father sounds like a bit of a pushover. The house is no longer "their" house, it's now "your" house

Now that you live with their father the dynamics have changed and the children need to respect that you live there too and things need to be different

It sounds like they rock up and doss out

I'd speak to your partner about everything you're not happy about and then if changes aren't made a decision will need to be made

Maybe you work better living apart?

The "kids" will change their ways with age but do you want to wait that long?

They'll get partners and bugger off, eventually

I would hate what you've described op

Your DP sold his house too early as strictly speaking those two at Uni never actually left home yet!

They are at Uni max of 7 months a year and the rest at home- that's why they stayed with you July through august, mine stays with me June to end of Sept, all December half way into January and again all of April.

That's 3-4 years worth of needing support including financial support (food bought laundry , bills, lifts / late nights pick ups, clothes for temp jobs..!) at Uni their maintenance loans don't stretch to cover the whole year at all.

As it's their dads home too and mum left to live in France, he's the local parent!

There's a mismatch with what you expected and what he thought would happen.

Unless you sell up and each buy your own places then you will have them come stay. But you need ground rules of

No ONSs

Clear up after themselves plates towels bathroom kitchen bedrooms as they go

No coming to visit when you are away (unless you're cool with big parties at your house when you're away..!) but that's so difficult as mine do as it's their home

The problem is that they see it as their family home and you see it as an your sole home that he bought with you, not their family home. It was naivety to think once off to uni they've actually left home..! They hadn't ... they just went away to study part of the year

I don’t think they’re using you, they are viewing it as their home.

But it still needs boundaries. If they are scoffing everything, are they or your Dh replacing it? Or are you?

No overnight guests
Help out
No friends cars in the driveway.

My children ask my permission always if they are inviting friends round to stay. And they introduce them to me as they arrive

And if they want a bf or gf to stay over they talk to me first to ask and say how long...

Where did your do think they were going to stay if he stayed in his flat. Uni kids need a place to come home to.

You need ground rules! There is no way I could bring a ONS to my mum and dad's at any age and they are still together now!

Do you think OP, if the older ones turned up with a smile and a bottle of plonk and an offer to make (or help make) dinner tonight (however awful) you'd feel different? And then if they made up their own beds, kept their rooms cleaned, did their own laundry, took turns to clean the kitchen and bathroom, contributed to groceries... would that help? And if they made sure to quickly drop a note into the family WhatsApp asking if it would be ok to bring a known friend back from the pub, would that make you less uncomfortable?

Because that is how well-brought up young people behave and you have a right to expect it. The older kids are not teens. Your home is not theirs and there has to be some respect for that fact.

A hard NO to bringing home one-night stands - a gf or bf is ok from time to time but they should be introduced and expected to behave like relatively civilised people.

Don't moan about it. Demand it. And tell them all very calmly you won't stand for the disrespect - DP included - that you will have the house sold if they don't sort it out and then DP won't be able to afford a place big enough for them to visit. So - ball's in their court.

If your partner doesnt like it, split up and go back to living apart. There's no other solution.

You’ll get no sympathy on here op

adult dc are to to be mollycoddled and tip toed around at all costs

just be grateful they’re not going no contact with you!

they can do what they want - eat all your food, bring randoms around, leave the place a tip etc etc and you have to accept this and smile indulgently because you are a woman and not just that a stepmother!!! They come first and your needs and wants will forever be on the back burner because the ‘children’ (even though they are fully grown adults in actual fact!) come first - they didn’t ask to be born!’

its the LEAST you can do

@waaaah !!