Feel used by step kids

[Strugglinsm]

Hi, first time post, please be kind, but I could do with an outside view.
Basically I have been in relationship with my partner for almost 6 years. He has 4 children and when we first met, eldest was at uni, middle 2 lived with him and youngest was 50-50 between him and his ex. All was fine for 4 years, I had my own flat, visited him mainly at weekends, he would come to me mid week if youngest child not around, it worked great. When I was at his house I was always polite and respectful to the kids, interested in what they were doing, even used to bake cakes to take round, helped with cooking, laundry, lifts out etc. But I always had my own place to go back to, my little cave!
I should probably say that I do not have children of my own, and we are both in our 50s.
Anyway, 2 years ago, third child left for uni and his ex pushed for the family home to be sold, she wanted her money. The agreement had always been that he could live there with the kids until the eldest 3 left home so it wasn’t unexpected. He moved in with me to my 2 bed flat and I sacrificed my study to become a bedroom for youngest child to be able to continue to visit with his dad. When older kids came back in uni hols they had to stay with other friends or relatives, their mother being in the same position as us.
Last year his ex moved to France taking youngest child with her and we moved out of the flat and bought a house together.
My issue (sorry it took so long to get here!) is that now, all 4 of the kids turn up to ‘visit’ usually at the same time/overlapping and often at short notice. There was at least one of the here for the whole of July and august…10 weeks..I hate the way they treat me and the house. They treat it like a b&b, never sit with us to eat, bring friends back to stay over, help themselves to food and drink without asking, never replace anything they’ve used, towels all over bathroom floor etc. I guess it’s good they are comfortable and treating it like home, but it stresses me enormously. I hate not knowing who’s in the house….I hate meeting total strangers in the kitchen in the morning because one of them got lucky the previous eve….I hate my car being blocked on the drive by one of their mates who leaves it there when they go out….I hate being told ‘to chill’ when I complain about them leaving dirty dishes and laundry everywhere. I can’t relax, I’m tense all the time and I do snap at them, its causing problems between me and my partner as he is just pleased to see them and have his family around him, but it’s not the new family home…it’s my home and his and they are guests…These are not children, the eldest 3 have all now graduated and are over 21, even the youngest is 15 but he copies the elder siblings. I feel like they just use us as a free hotel. I admit I am not used to sharing my space with others, but I do not think it unreasonable that when they visit they are polite and respectful, not just coming in the door and upstairs to their rooms without even saying hello. I view them as selfish, when their father was in hospital, none of them came to visit him, nor did they ring me to see how I was coping.
Now they want to come to stay when we have plans to be away. I have said no, but their dad sees no reason why they can’t just stay here alone. AIBU in feeling upset and unsupported? I do not want people I don’t trust staying in my house while I’m away.

The agreement had always been that he could live there with the kids until the eldest 3 left home so it wasn’t unexpected

But they hadn’t left home. They’d gone to university.

YANBU. I adore having DC home from uni but I wouldn't let them get away with any of this shit. There's a massive difference between them feeling it is their parental home (fair enough) and them treating it and you with no respect (not OK at all.) I'd suggest you chat first with your Dp and explain to him how stressed and upset it makes you, Explain it;s fine for them to be there but not fine to leave mess, eat everything and not replace it etc.

Ask him to have a word with them about the basics: pick up after yourself; let us know when thing sare running low. If they work then they should go out to buy milk and bread etc sometimes and if they stay for more than three days, they should cook one of the weekly meals for you and clear up afterwards.

I have noticed that DS1 is messier than I like now that he comes back for extended uni holidays. Wet bathrooms, scummy baths, toothpaste in the sink, the kitchen I left clean at night when i went to bed now littered with cups and bowls. It winds me up and I have said so. At that age they genuinely don't see it - their brains are still developing. So no point getting angry. Just say: please do X now so I don;t have to nag as I hate nagging and so I don;t have to do it for you because I hate skivvying. Just keep saying something like that until they get into the habit of picking up after themselves.

Wow. You have a DH problem. He needs to step up here and teach his adult children some manners. What age are the eldest three now?

Totally agree with everyone saying this is not normal or acceptable behaviour and you shouldn’t have to tolerate it.

Time to have a proper talk with your DH and explain the boundaries you would like and how you need to agree a way forward together but you’re going to need him to really be firm about them, as these are his children.

Please don’t let him make you feel you are expecting too much or this is ‘just how they are’.

P.s as for them bringing back one night stands to your house, they are so out of order!! No respect!

surely not even the most mollycoddling of parents on here can think that’s ok??

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

and?

does that mean they can get away with treating OP’s home like a squat?

The situation you’ve described op, is NOT just what most adult children do.

I have teens-two are over 18 and are back and forwards between here and their term time house. They tell us when they’re coming, they put their washing in the machine, they cook or wash up, they say if they’ll be around for dinner or not. They don’t bring people round without checking it it’s ok and they tidy up after themselves. That is common decency!

Get cross…with your DH! I’m afraid I wouldn’t have bought a house with him without working through some of these scenarios first but you have. so you need to lay ground rules quick. If he doesn’t like them, sell the house and he’ll be in a flat and those children will have nowhere to stay. It’s in his interest to sort this out now.

They are being disrespectful, my Dad set up home with a lady when I was 21, I didn't treat their house like I owned the place. I stayed over when I was invited to, tidied up after myself, I was respectful. They are adults but behaving like kids.
I definitely wouldn't be ok with people staying who I don't know, I wouldn't accept that from my own children so I wouldn't accept that from my step kids either.
I think you need serious words with your DP and set out your boundaries, he needs to understand and support them.
I think helping themselves to food and drink is fine, you want them to feel comfortable, but inviting friends over without your consent is not ok. I suppose there has to be some compromise, set out your ground rules, tell them either they follow the rules or they don't stay, perfectly reasonable, they're not kids.

@LuckySantangelo35

Im not sure what you mean. His ex wife wanted him to sell the family home as the kids had ‘left home’

But they hadn’t, they’d gone to university. He shouldn’t have sold the family home is the point l was making.

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

even if they still had the “family home” they should not be behaving as they are - making a mess and bringing home randomers

Hi,
just really confused about something that recently happened and want your opinions and knowledge please. Basically my daughter was on a waiting list for a school place and we recently received an email from the school to go for a meeting to discuss a possibility for a place with the headteacher.
we accepted to go for the meeting and it turned out to be an interview like meeting with the headteacher, asking question why my daughter choose the school and what her interests are etc. at the end of the meeting, we were told that if the child decides to move then we will get contacted to receive the offer as it’s not for sure, and when asked how long we were supposed to wait, the answer was not sure but as I insisted it couldn’t last longer than a week, which was then agreed.
From my experience you are normally offered a place before you go for a meeting but the whole situation seemed really awkward and it made us both feel very strange as we didn’t like the approach and I was personally not expecting the meeting to end like this.
I just would like anyone with similar experience to let us know if this normally happens and if they have gone through something similar? Did you have to go for a meeting before being offered a place on the waiting list?
thanks in advance

Notice how their actual Mum got the fuck out of Dodge as fast as she could.

Just saying

Neither your partner nor her raised them well apparently, and she sure didnt stick around the second they went to uni (which as others have pointed out, is not actually fully leaving home, by any means).

Now you're stuck with the situation they created while she's chilling in France with one child at the most, smiling with relief and relaxation no doubt.

Too many threads like this on here; always some poor female poster wrecking herself compensating for the parenting (and often finances) of two wankers who saw her coming.

All because we must, just must, have a partner and it's always better than being "alone".

And because women are socialised to put up with shit men never would.

I had a similar situation, except older DSS and only two of them. Turns out, as many here have said, it's a DH problem. You need to get him sorted out first, then it will be easier to sort out the DSS.

Sit DH down, tell him you can see how much he enjoys having his kids round but you feel you are being treated like hired help as they are messy, inconsiderate, and very demanding. Have a short list of house rules ready - the things that bug you the most - ONSs, no intros, rocking up as and when, mess, wet towels. Then have a secondary list ready.

Go through the first list with him, and make him see that agreeing to those is normal polite respectful considerate behaviour, nothing to do with you being a stepmother.

If he gives you a hard time or brushes that list off, then show him the secondary list, and explain you feel completely uncomfortable in your own home. Get him to understand it is your joint home, not his and his kids home. Tell him you understand he loves his children dearly and they will always be his children but they have responsibilities as well as rights. Emphasise they are welcome to visit at pre-arranged times but it is not a drop in doss house and you expect them to be tidy and respectful.

If he doesn't agree, tell him you are moving into another bedroom when they visit, and he will have to pay for a twice weekly cleaner. Is there an en suite bedroom? If it's the master, move him out into another bedroom and take the master yourself. Get a kettle, mini-fridge, toaster and microwave, and make it your mini studio flat. Allow no one else in. If the DSS have to share bedrooms, that's just tough.

Make sure he understands you mean this. Tell him you're doing this to save your marriage because your other option is to sell the house, take your half, and buy your own place again.

Then tell him under no circumstances are they staying in the house while you are away.

Good luck - I'd show him this. Once I got my DH on board, it was easier to get DSS to co-operate, and things did improve although I had to never let up, never let anything go because it was a quick slide backwards otherwise. They have their own place now, and we meet at restaurants, no more overnight visits as both now live in the same town.

Lindaelisa, you need to start your own thread.

From your op, there seems to be a fundamental difference in how you view your house. You see it as yours and dh’s house, and his kids are visitors. However, his kids see it as a family house, and therefore can come and go as they please.

However, some house rules wouldn’t go amiss.

But it's not the 'coming and going', is it?

Who here honestly lives with wet towels left all over the floor, dirty dishes left out, dirty laundry left out, no food and drink left?

What kinds of households are these?

*But it's not the 'coming and going', is it?

Who here honestly lives with wet towels left all over the floor, dirty dishes left out, dirty laundry left out, no food and drink left?

What kinds of households are these?*

With the best will in the world, busy houses with 6 people in, always have some mess and disorder.

@billy1966 Jesus I bet your kids don't enjoy visiting much

You need to start your own thread. You’ve posted on an existing one.

"These are not children, the eldest 3 have all now graduated and are over 21, even the youngest is 15 but he copies the elder siblings. I feel like they just use us as a free hotel."

That's exactly what theyr doing - free hotel. You need to lay down basic house rules. Email them a copy before there next visit, include DH in the email. If theyve all graduated - except 15 yr old, where do they usually live?

Tell DH they MUST check BEFORE turning up, no unanounced visits. No staying if your not there.

Post the house rules in bathroom and kitchen, welcome the DSS when they arrive, and point out the house rules. What would bug me most are the random strangers in my house and my car parked in, just plain rude whether 18 or 80!! Mess very close behind that. Your DH needs to understand you mean this about the hous rules.

I have kids of a similar age. They treat our house similarly (without the one night stands thank god) and tbh I wouldn’t want it any other way. It’s their home. It all sounds a bit incompatible tbh.

Point out to your partner that it's your home, not an airbnb...

@Devilishpyjamas

I totally agree.

Ha ha - it does sound like our house. Lots of us working full time. And it’s a house that the kids come back to & seem to want to stay here and see us.

@Strugglinsm Change your locks for ones that need a password for a copy to be made.
You and DP have one each and don't tell him the password - or if you do, change it straight away.

@Relevanceiskey what kind of kids are you bringing up if theyre allowed to be messy and disrespectful? Whod want to be there partner? By not sorting there manners your making problems for someone else later!

I dont agree with no more visits but I do agree with visits on OPs terms - respectful and tidy like a good person / house guest not an entitled brat.