Feel used by step kids

[Strugglinsm]

Hi, first time post, please be kind, but I could do with an outside view.
Basically I have been in relationship with my partner for almost 6 years. He has 4 children and when we first met, eldest was at uni, middle 2 lived with him and youngest was 50-50 between him and his ex. All was fine for 4 years, I had my own flat, visited him mainly at weekends, he would come to me mid week if youngest child not around, it worked great. When I was at his house I was always polite and respectful to the kids, interested in what they were doing, even used to bake cakes to take round, helped with cooking, laundry, lifts out etc. But I always had my own place to go back to, my little cave!
I should probably say that I do not have children of my own, and we are both in our 50s.
Anyway, 2 years ago, third child left for uni and his ex pushed for the family home to be sold, she wanted her money. The agreement had always been that he could live there with the kids until the eldest 3 left home so it wasn’t unexpected. He moved in with me to my 2 bed flat and I sacrificed my study to become a bedroom for youngest child to be able to continue to visit with his dad. When older kids came back in uni hols they had to stay with other friends or relatives, their mother being in the same position as us.
Last year his ex moved to France taking youngest child with her and we moved out of the flat and bought a house together.
My issue (sorry it took so long to get here!) is that now, all 4 of the kids turn up to ‘visit’ usually at the same time/overlapping and often at short notice. There was at least one of the here for the whole of July and august…10 weeks..I hate the way they treat me and the house. They treat it like a b&b, never sit with us to eat, bring friends back to stay over, help themselves to food and drink without asking, never replace anything they’ve used, towels all over bathroom floor etc. I guess it’s good they are comfortable and treating it like home, but it stresses me enormously. I hate not knowing who’s in the house….I hate meeting total strangers in the kitchen in the morning because one of them got lucky the previous eve….I hate my car being blocked on the drive by one of their mates who leaves it there when they go out….I hate being told ‘to chill’ when I complain about them leaving dirty dishes and laundry everywhere. I can’t relax, I’m tense all the time and I do snap at them, its causing problems between me and my partner as he is just pleased to see them and have his family around him, but it’s not the new family home…it’s my home and his and they are guests…These are not children, the eldest 3 have all now graduated and are over 21, even the youngest is 15 but he copies the elder siblings. I feel like they just use us as a free hotel. I admit I am not used to sharing my space with others, but I do not think it unreasonable that when they visit they are polite and respectful, not just coming in the door and upstairs to their rooms without even saying hello. I view them as selfish, when their father was in hospital, none of them came to visit him, nor did they ring me to see how I was coping.
Now they want to come to stay when we have plans to be away. I have said no, but their dad sees no reason why they can’t just stay here alone. AIBU in feeling upset and unsupported? I do not want people I don’t trust staying in my house while I’m away.

Sorry, but this is not just typical young adult behaviour. They are plenty old enough to know that it's not the fairies picking up what they have left at their arse, and that you don't have a magical flying car that can still be driven even after they have blocked it in to the driveway. They are also plenty old enough to have a fairly good grasp of basic manners and common courtesy.
I certainly didn't just rock up when I felt like it and start causing chaos at my parents house after I left home and I don't believe for a second that I was some sort of exceptional case.
I'd be telling their father that he demands better from his children or you will be moving out. Life is too short to put up with this crap.

He’s enabled this to happen. He needs to tell them to have more respect for you.

and for him.

Even if their parents had never divorced and it was their parents house rather than their dad's and his new partner's, I think it sounds like they just drop in and invite people over like it's their place!!! I'm a single parent and my DD wouldn't invite somebody over without running it past me.

I think you need to tell your H that this is not their family home, it's 50% yours and while they are welcome to stay they are not welcome for ten weeks.
That's too much.

Thank God you’re not married. Get out OP, and fast. With their mum in France this is your life for the next 15 years.

They are taking the piss but if your partner doesn't agree and won't support you I think you'd be better off selling up and living apart.

I still don’t understand why, if they’ve left university and have somewhere to live, they’re coming to stay for a few nights here and there and having friends over. That seem unusual.

I also wouldn’t have moved in with him until they all had their own homes.

Your partner needs to be setting some ground rules for his kids/ the house, as this isn’t on.

Both parents have let the children down and you have been a little naive in buying with him. Of he had equal share he could say, they are entitled to occupy 50%of the house or for 50% of the time.

Unfortunately this is a case of negotiate so that rules are slightly clearer and situation improves or go back to separate houses.

How many bedrooms do you have?

We had them bouncing back and forth a lot.

DS 28 is finally going because he’s saved up enough for a house. Adult children don’t just leave at 18 and never come back.

This seems to be the only place in the U.K. where they can get together as a family.

Both your Dh and his ex have bailed on supporting their family. Where else were all the kids going to go?

It’s stupidly naive to even think they weren’t going to come to your house. They will continue to come. And in my eyes should be made welcome. It’s now their only home.

l had adult dsc with us. Up until late 20’s on and off. It’s what happens. I wouldn’t tolerate random hook ups coming home though.

They do eat you out if house and home, and they do make a mess. This is what families are like. You either have to accept it, or you and Dh move to separate accommodation.

Have a plan in place for what happens if they are not followed. You must decide yourself what those consequences are. You could decide grade a infractions - stranger in house at breakfast - kid needs to leave, or grade b infraction, plates not washed, penalty is a pocket money deduction, or they clean the bathroom, mow the lawn, that type of thing

This just won’t work with young adults. They don’t get pocket money for a start.

I think they should be welcome to stay when they’d like. That’s really part of the deal when you buy a house with a guy with 4 kids.

however, they should treat the home respectfully, clearing up after themselves and not inviting random people back with no notice. And it’s their dad that needs to enforce this and support you.

Not sure how you split your finances but it’s also perfectly reasonable for your DP to contribute a lot more to the budget when his DC are staying to contribute all the additional food, electricity, water etc.

I think the mother especially and the Dad have been quite selfish in pursuing separate lives when their children were still not fully independent. Rightly, his children see their father's home as their own and you as a stand-in mother (since theirs had sodded off to France).

The problem is, it's one thing putting up with dumped towels, dishes left in sink etc when you are the parent that birthed them, but it's another entirely when you haven't. This behaviour would piss me off if it were done by other people's children.

And bringing random people home without asking is piss taking regardless, I would never put up with that.

Either you both sell up and buy a bigger place with an annexe strictly for them, or you both sit down with the kids and have a stern talk, or you separate. I would do the latter if your partner doesn't give you full support.

Your mistake was relegating his children mentally to a confined element of time in your mind before you moved in together, and not really seeing it as a family without precise borders. 4 children is a busy lively family at that.

Do you yourself come from a largish family yourself, because if you don't it would be a shock indeed and unfair to you.

@Strugglinsm

I'd get this house up for sale, and go back to how it was before.

Get yourself a flat, set it up how you want it, eg 2nd room as a study and he can buy whatever he wants to buy and then agree on spending time together.

I have 2 kids myself but this would drive me crazy all over 18 they need to sort their shit out

I'd get this house up for sale, and go back to how it was before.

This ^ Life is too short to put up with this shit.

I wouldn’t like this either, but what did you expect when you decided to live with a man who had children the age he did. Your step children are using their dad home like any young adult uses their parents home. Your partner should have got his own home to accommodate his children.

I think a proper sit down with your dp is needed and some ground rules eg clearing up, no one night stands over etc. I wouldn’t want random strangers in the house, they could rob the place! I don’t think they should stay when you’re away, it isn’t the family house they grew up in.

Unhelpful but why on earth didn't you sort out your expectations of sharing a home with a man who has a family before going ahead with buying a place together?
Your DSC see their Father's home as a family home. Do they even know 50% belongs to you? Your DP should discuss exactly what behaviour is acceptable to the both of you. Personally I would not expect random one night stands to stay over, but helping themselves to food, using up shower gel etc. is fine by me. Once decided, your DH needs to clearly tell his DC what is acceptable behaviour from them - they are not visitors but neither are they justified in disrespecting you two.
On a separate note, they sound very self absorbed regarding your DP's illness. It would do no harm for their Father to tell them if, should that situation arise again, he would be disappointed if they didn't care enough to enquire about his health and, if they could be less selfish, to include you in the loop.

OP,

Kindly meant but you have been spectacularly naive.

Their mother buggers off and their father wants to buy a house with you?

What did you expect to happen?.

Their father has shown them that you are a mug and are their to be used and your home with it.

You could spend years like this.

Sell up, buy yourself a flat and don't be so foolish to be taken in by a man who clearly was putting his needs and circumstances ahead of you.

The way he allows them behave and treat you is evidence of his zero respect for you, and his children have followed his lead.

He needed your equity clearly.

Stop being played and get out of this situation.

No more visits at all.
Clean up the house and sell it.
Hopefully you won't lose money.

This situation will never improve, it never does when someone uses you like he has done.

You deserve better than this.

Oh and I have 4 children those ages and I wouldn't put up with an ounce of that disrespect and bullshit in my home.

They see you as a mug.
Sort it out or suck it up.

Those are your choices.

This. Mine were totally independent after 21, I got the “I’m staying for a week then off to….What’s to eat?” as late teens.
Sit down with your DP, draw up the rules and he tells them they are to be adhered to. And don’t let them stay in the house while you’re away ( which is code for BIG party)

They can think it's their home and treat it / the other occupants with a bit more thought. OP can want them to be more respectful without it meaning she doesn't think it's their home.

I lived at home with my parents for a while as an 'adult child' and there's no way they would have stood for some of this. When you share space you can't have it all your own way, but that has to go for the children in this scenario too.

Why can’t you and your DH set house rules? Rules for guests to follow and if they don’t like them or don’t follow them they can’t stay. Basic parenting that your DH seems to have dropped the ball on. He’s not doing them any favours if he doesn’t teach his kids how to act like adults and be polite. It’s never too late to do this.

Let's me honest here, they wouldn't behave that way if your DP didn't tolerate it.

He is the bigger problem. He needs to get the balance right between having then stay and having a home that you are comfortable in. He is disrespecting you and allowing them to do the same.

I think some of this is because this is their dad's home and they feel entitled to treat it like their own home as a result. Some is just the natural laziness of young people, even young adults (leaving towels on floor etc). Some of it goes beyond that, I think. My own parents would NEVER have tolerated us bringing dates home to sleep over. That would be a violation of their privacy and safety. I think it is ok for you to set some boundaries as most of the children are adults: they have to pick up their towels and tidy up after themselves in the bathrooms, give you some warning if their friends are coming over, no overnight guests unless the guests are people YOU know (e.g. their childhood friends who you've met before), etc. The question is whether your partner will back you up on those boundaries. I must say for me, having adult overnight guests in my home who are strangers to me, would be a dealbreaker.

Your partner has totally done a number on you. He’s got you to stump up for half a house big enough to house his kids whenever they fancied. I don’t want to alarm you but my neighbour has 4 adult kids in their 20s and early thirties and at any one time there are at least two living under her roof. It’s an endless round of relationship break ups, money crises, landlord selling flat…so you potentially have another 15-20 years of this. To his kids and their dad, that’s their home. You see them as guests but he sees this as the family home with you living there and assuming the mother role. I’d live separately again if you can. This clearly isn’t working for you.

My own teens would never treat my house like that, and I would never put up with it!
You need to enforce some rules op.

• You need 48 hours notice if they are visiting
• No one stays over - and I mean no one unless they have your permission in advance
• contribution is expected for household bills and household chores
• Boundaries around who can visit and when - where they can park etc

I could not put up with the life you are describing to me. This isn’t normal - they are just using your place as a free crash pad/knocking shop not as a family home. Serious discussion needed with dp, and then he relates to them exactly what’s acceptable.

No doubt you have them all of the time as their mother buggered off to France!! Now we can see why she left!