Feel used by step kids

[Strugglinsm]

Hi, first time post, please be kind, but I could do with an outside view.
Basically I have been in relationship with my partner for almost 6 years. He has 4 children and when we first met, eldest was at uni, middle 2 lived with him and youngest was 50-50 between him and his ex. All was fine for 4 years, I had my own flat, visited him mainly at weekends, he would come to me mid week if youngest child not around, it worked great. When I was at his house I was always polite and respectful to the kids, interested in what they were doing, even used to bake cakes to take round, helped with cooking, laundry, lifts out etc. But I always had my own place to go back to, my little cave!
I should probably say that I do not have children of my own, and we are both in our 50s.
Anyway, 2 years ago, third child left for uni and his ex pushed for the family home to be sold, she wanted her money. The agreement had always been that he could live there with the kids until the eldest 3 left home so it wasn’t unexpected. He moved in with me to my 2 bed flat and I sacrificed my study to become a bedroom for youngest child to be able to continue to visit with his dad. When older kids came back in uni hols they had to stay with other friends or relatives, their mother being in the same position as us.
Last year his ex moved to France taking youngest child with her and we moved out of the flat and bought a house together.
My issue (sorry it took so long to get here!) is that now, all 4 of the kids turn up to ‘visit’ usually at the same time/overlapping and often at short notice. There was at least one of the here for the whole of July and august…10 weeks..I hate the way they treat me and the house. They treat it like a b&b, never sit with us to eat, bring friends back to stay over, help themselves to food and drink without asking, never replace anything they’ve used, towels all over bathroom floor etc. I guess it’s good they are comfortable and treating it like home, but it stresses me enormously. I hate not knowing who’s in the house….I hate meeting total strangers in the kitchen in the morning because one of them got lucky the previous eve….I hate my car being blocked on the drive by one of their mates who leaves it there when they go out….I hate being told ‘to chill’ when I complain about them leaving dirty dishes and laundry everywhere. I can’t relax, I’m tense all the time and I do snap at them, its causing problems between me and my partner as he is just pleased to see them and have his family around him, but it’s not the new family home…it’s my home and his and they are guests…These are not children, the eldest 3 have all now graduated and are over 21, even the youngest is 15 but he copies the elder siblings. I feel like they just use us as a free hotel. I admit I am not used to sharing my space with others, but I do not think it unreasonable that when they visit they are polite and respectful, not just coming in the door and upstairs to their rooms without even saying hello. I view them as selfish, when their father was in hospital, none of them came to visit him, nor did they ring me to see how I was coping.
Now they want to come to stay when we have plans to be away. I have said no, but their dad sees no reason why they can’t just stay here alone. AIBU in feeling upset and unsupported? I do not want people I don’t trust staying in my house while I’m away.

And those adults are going to be the shitty DPs and lodgers and housemates we read about on here.

My DP leaves all his dirty clothes on the bedroom floor every day. I left the clothes as advised on here, but they are now in a fairly sizeable and smelly mound. Now what?

My DP never helps with the housework and says when he gets home he need to chill. I work full-time, we have two young children, and do all the cooking, washing up and laundry. I'm exhausted.

I was really struggling two weeks ago after major addominal surgery. My DP developed a cough and couldn't help much and said to get my mum down to help out. My mum is really old and has arthritis. I'm worried about tripping over all the towels on the bathroom floor.

This stuff.

I have grown up children. They do not treat our home this way.

I always find it amazing that you can't tell adult step children to not leave their wet towels on the floor as this will make them feel unwelcome. Or give them any rules as this will alienate them.

Rules are one thing. My love and care for adult children, step or not, is not measured by what rules I make them abide too. How silly that relationships are so fragile that saying 'please don't allow people I don't know to stay over' or other rules would ruin their lives.

This is a dh problem though. He should be supportive in making his children respect your home. And if he won't then walk away as it is misery.

OP, I can see it from both angles. Everything you describe is the way my adult children behave when they come home. But the difference, I suppose, is that they are my children.

It drives me marginally insane as it is. I absolutely couldn't cope with it if it were someone else's children. Though that is one reason I have never dated a man with children who haven't fully left home. Children (even annoying young adult ones) have to come first. If you can't cope with that, don't get involved with someone who has them. If you're already in too deep, you have to suck it up.

*Grown up children AND step adult children

@DripAdvisor so you can't tell your adult children to not leave wet towels over the floor?

They have to come first? What does that even mean? They can drive you insane and you never tell them to treat their or your home with respect?

A lot of what people are saying is perfectly normal behaviour for adult children is actually unacceptable behaviour from much younger children. For goodness sake. Adults take care of their home.

@LuckySantangelo35 buy their own house?! 😂 tell me your generation without telling me your generation

I have two adult dc, 23/19.
One lives in his own home post uni and my dd lives at home and is off to uni. DH and I are both 3 of 4 children. We all had chores. Our children have chores.
I don't hoover, do rubbish, shopping, mowing of lawns or washing. They have been doing their bit since 10. It's called respect.
I would not put up with the behaviour of these kidults.
Go on strike, start saying no. Who's cooking, you're not!
Leave your partner if you want but I think he is probably non confrontational. Get a bit angry, you have nothing to lose.

I really feel for you, OP. I've been in a similar situation where my former OH allowed his adult children to treat me with utter contempt and disrespect, despite me explaining how hurtful I found their behaviour. So in the end, I realised he was enabling them to behave horribly.

So the 5 bed home we owned was sold and we went our separate ways.

Interestingly enough, he's bought a tiny one bed property despite having enough capital to purchase a much bigger one so now he doesn't have the adult children to stay at all.

Exactly as he did when he and the mother split 12 years ago... He moved into a one bed tiny home.....

I must have had MUG written all over me.

I would sell up and get a smaller place each. There's a difference between feeling welcome and at home, and behaving in the way you are describing.

@DripAdvisor

So you’re saying these young adults can come to OP’s home and ransack her cupboards and eat all her food and leave wet towels all round and bring home randoms for one night stands cos “the children come first”

wtf

no one has to accept that from their adult sons / daughters or step

But we do not have a pristine house and some damp towels until someone takes them to the washing machine is not high on the list on priorities.

<wonders who the 'someone' is>

@Relevanceiskey

ok so they can move into a house share with pals or a young professionals house share. Like I did. Then I could leave towels around and bring one one night stands to my hearts content. I certainly didn’t do that stuff in my parents house!

Exactly this!! Don’t know how ANYONE could argue with this?

Well indeed. Presumably these adult DC are renting wherever they live most of the time. They probably will want to buy their own houses at some point, and I would bet my bottom dollar that at least one of them is going to ask to move in with you for an extended period of time whilst they attempt to save for a deposit. I reckon he'll want to welcome them back with open arms, given his current attitude, so you could have many many more battles on your hands if you do continue to live with him. Given the mismatch between your expectations, and what your DP seems to want, the more I think about this, the more I'm of the opinion the only logical solution is to sell up and get your own place.

@Aquamarine1029
Absolutely agree. I don't want to hijack the thread. but I was in a similar situation and my ex partner's DS and daughter in law suddenly had 3 kids under 3. They lived over 150 miles away, but regular visited their friends and family near us. I returned from a 12 hour work shift one day, to be met with ex's daughter in law putting 3rd daily wash load into the washer (she'd never seen laundry gel before) middle child on the potty and youngest baby's nappy being changed. It didn't seem like my home, and if I could have stayed somewhere else until their visit was over I would have done.
Fast forward to 2020, during Lockdown, and my ex did not want my own grandchildren in the house, despite schools and nurseries being closed, and as it emerged some weeks later, their other grandmother was isolating before surgery, therefore was unable to help out. This was a turning point for me, it just showed my ex never wanted anything to do with my family, but wanted me to wait hand and foot on his own.

This might be some people's version of normal young adult behavior, but it is not mine. It's not nice to raise disgusting pigs that one day their spouses will have to deal with.

Our sons treated our home respectfully. If they had a date stay over then they had the date stay in a guest room. Even my son's fiancée stayed in a guest room. (Now married and living across the meadow in their own home). This was their choice to do because they were raised to be nice and considerate.

I can't imagine bumping into strangers in my own kitchen! What was your husband thinking to let this happen?

@LuckySantangelo35 hey don't get me wrong I agree with the towel issue. I don't blame her for not liking the one night stands but just because your parents didn't let you do things like this doesn't mean they are wrong for doing so. This is clearly the kind of relationship the dad has with his kids, not everyone has the same boundaries.

@BlodynGwyn They did that because that's clearly where you set the boundaries, not because it is "nice and considerate". It feels totally condescending and unwelcoming to sleep in a separate bed to your adult partner when visiting their parents. I have been there. I pretended it was all OK but really I was judging my exes parents.

You should have found someone without children. Children will always come first it’s unrealistic of you to expect otherwise.

Leaving aside the adult partners and one night stands for second ...

Who the fuck actually leaves wet used towels on a bathroom floor?

It's like that 'cup left on the side' divorce story really. Fuck you, other person, you can do it.

🤣All four still happily living at home, without ANY sign of moving out, thanks for asking🙄

Far too comfortable!

What the don't do is leave wet towels all over the place because they have the cop on to pick them up after themselves.

They don't bring home ONS.

They don't leave their shit everywhere and plates everywhere.

They DO eat me out of house and home but they have the manners to check first.

The OP has none of the above and she isn't their mother and it isn't their home.

It's their fathers home that he has bought with his partner.

Them using the house so disrespectfully with their fathers permission is a huge fxxk you to the OP.

She had a love set which she naively gave up.
She is 100% being used by him to house his children cheaply.

They must be thrilled she bought into such madness.

@LuckySantangelo35 - only someone prepared to be a martyr - and accept there daughter marrying a slob because thats the expectation that 'children' of whatever age should be allowed to behave as they please.

Again 'children always come first' - wtaf? These are adults leaving wet towels on the floor, eating all the food and having unknowns staying the night. Should the OP just put up with this?
They are NOT children. They are adults and we should be encouraging adults to be considerate and to be good housemates.

But they are not treating it like the family home. Even adult children know they should obey the rules of the homeowners when they are in the family home. They might break the rules because they know they are loved, but they also know there are rules and that the parents (aka homeowners) have the right to set the rules. If they or their father were treating it like the family home, your right to set boundaries would be acknowledged. They would at least try sometimes to pick up their towels because they would know that leaving towels laying around wasn't allowed, etc. In this situation, they, and their father, are treating it as only THEIR home and NOT your home. That's the problem, as I see it.

Absolutely this. My children admitted afterwards they thought my ex and his adult children treated me like his housekeeper.