AIBU to expect lodger to ask before regularly having new boyfriend stay overnight

[PonderingAIBU]

I've been renting 2 rooms in my flat to 2 lodgers for the past few months. We get on well and both are very lovely, friendly, and love my cats which is a huge bonus (all feels amazing after a bad experience with a previous lodger a while ago).

Both are about 10 years younger than me and I'm in my 40s, so feel like dating days are a bit behind me.

Both have previously asked if family can stay and I've said yes, I'm totally happy with that from time to time. I even offered my bedroom to lodger 1's mum when I was away for a longer visit.

Lodger 1 now has a new boyfriend and the first time he stayed, she announced he was staying over without asking or discussing how me or Lodger 2 feel about it. It's all very new but since then, he's stayed over for abut 2 nights a week for the last couple of weeks. (Not a huge amount).

But I'm not sure if I'm unreasonable to feel a teeny bit bothered by the fact that he's started staying over without her giving me a heads up or asking if that's ok first? I feel a bit unsettled with someone I don't know wandering around my flat when I'm working from home or him sitting in the kitchen (by himself). I'm not sure if I would have been bothered by any of this if I was 10 years younger, so I'm not sure if I've just become an old fart who feels unsettled by strangers in her home or if I'm being unreasonable?

So as not to drip feed, she's really lovely generally but I've been a bit bothered by a coupe of things, like when her mum stayed in my room, she cleared space in my cupboard without telling me and threw my clothes on the floor and the top of my cupboard (with no explanation or apology when I came home), she's also taken personal things out of my storage space and used them (I would have said yes if she asked but she didn't), and doesn't clean or put away washing up. Plus a few guests previously - like on my birthday when I felt pushed out of my own home (although to be fair I hadn't told her it was my birthday - but a heads up would have been nice). Or when she asked to stay a few days for free before she moved in, when I didn't know her yet.

I'm generally very laid back and hate bringing things up in case it upsets anyone, but boyfriend has turned up again and I'm in bed wide awake and generally feeling a bit unsettled by it, wondering how long he'll be staying and if I'll be able to use the kitchen over the weekend. It's not necessarily a landlord question, rather than it would be nice for both me and the other lodger to know who is in our home and feel safe and consulted etc (the 2 lodgers do get on very well but I get the feeling lodger 2 wasn't loving finding the new random boyfriend hanging out in the kitchen by himself when she got back from work).

I realise she's paying rent and is entitled to start a new relationship. And I don't want to be unreasonable about it. But I'm not sure why I've got a knot in my stomach when I heard the boyfriend walk in again. :(

AIBU to even be bothered by the not asking about the boyfriend staying over. And should I just let it slide because we get along well and otherwise, she is lovely and friendly to have around? Sorry for the long post.

• don't offer your bedroom to anyone again
• why did her mum throw your clothes on the floor and on the top of the cupboard? she should have asked to use your cupboard/wardrobe and personally I would've kept my clothes in my bags. If not she should have asked and YOU should have been able to clear your own space not have her handling your clothes.
• boyfriend shouldn't be there without lodger. Years ago I was a lodger, it was a great deal at the time. I could have friends over but I ALWAYS asked, we tidied up and they left when I did. I can't imagine leaving them there alone.
• Ask her why she moved your furniture.
• You shouldn't be having to hide away in your room.
• The one thing I massively hated about my situation was I wasn't allowed to leave shampoo, conditioner, shower gel or a towel in the bathroom. That made it feel like it wasn't really my home. I feel if that rule had been changed it would've been a lot better. I hated having to carry my towel back and forth.
• You need to think about what you want re the boyfriend situation.

TBH I wonder if you would be better off starting from scratch because it's now in a pattern.

I agree although I wouldn't put up with rearranging the furniture. I suspect many of those telling OP what to do have never had lodgers.

@JustLyra "We get on well and both are very lovely, friendly, and love my cats which is a huge bonus (all feels amazing after a bad experience with a previous lodger a while ago)."

OP has said more than once that she's lovely to be around etc. Having shared my space with lodgers for a long time my view is that the most important thing about a lodger is that you like them, feel safe around them etc.

If you think moving some furniture is a cardinal sin then you might be underestimating how awkward it can be to share your home with bad lodgers.

Hello,
I mean this in a nice way...
please re read that message and as though a friend had written it. What would you advise them? This is your home. I assume this lodger pays more to have the larger suite? But if they insist on using the living room, would you be able to swap rooms, so you have this space?
please, for you, put some boundaries in - you deserve your home back. It feels like you are a lodger in your own home.

my oh was a lodger and when I visited, we stayed in a hotel and he was often in his room after using the kitchen etc.

I hope you find a resolution that works for you, in your home.

I had lodgers for years so no underestimating.

The OP’s lodged has zero respect for her. Moving furniture in the lounge is rude, but when you add it into the other factors it shows a high level of disrespect. Allowing her mother to throw the OP’s clothes out of her wardrobe amplifies this.

She is not a good lodger. She’s only lovely and friendly because the Op is letting her do whatever she wants, no matter how disrespectful.

Your set-up sounds like a HMO. Or perhaps flat shares are done differently in different areas of the country

@JustLyra moving the furniture is weird, but just move it back and say please don't move it again? Problem solved. How do you know she allowed her mum to do that? We don't even know if she knew what her mother was doing.

Other than that all she's done is use a communal space and have her boyfriend to stay.

Did you miss the but that the OP said it was too difficult to move back solo?

Her guest = her responsibility. Either she didn’t give the OP’s room a cursory check after her mother left or she did and didn’t give a shit.

OPs home isn't "anywhere" implying it's awful, it's a nice home with a good landlord, but one who expects respect and for lodgers to remember they're lodgers and don't own the place.

Of course they'll have "an income" how else would they pay rent? I suspect you're insinuating people on benefits are scum who OP wouldn't want and that you consider them not to have an income. Whether OP only wants employed people is upto her, but plenty of employed people have a low income and no guarantor too and they need somewhere to live, it's not only people on benefits in that situation.

OP you're sounding more and more ridiculous. I can't believe you've got yourself into this situation. "Welcome to watch TV" means by default when you're not watching it, unless they want to watch what you're watching. And they will know this, it's obvious, by the fact you're the home owner. Be friendly, be polite, let them know in advance where you can and if it's no bother to you then let the current episode of their box-set finish, but take control of your own TV whenever you want to watch something. No need for a rota, if they don't want to watch what you're watching they can buy a TV for their room or use a laptop and go up there to watch whatever they want to.

When lodger 2 moves out, you take the ensuite room so you have a private bathroom and never need to queue. The lodgers have the smaller rooms and share the remaining bathroom and clean it themselves.

I can see why lodger 1 thinks she'll get away with taking over, you've practically laid down at their feet and invited being walked on.

Of course they'll have "an income" how else would they pay rent? I suspect you're insinuating people on benefits are scum who OP wouldn't want and that you consider them not to have an income. Whether OP only wants employed people is upto her, but plenty of employed people have a low income and no guarantor too and they need somewhere to live, it's not only people on benefits in that situation.

I'm not suggesting that people on low incomes are "scum" at all but neither are people who have their boyfriends around occasionally or who watch television in the living room they have been told they could use. I would prefer the latter to the former if I wanted to be sure that the rent was going to be paid.

When lodger 2 moves out, you take the ensuite room so you have a private bathroom and never need to queue. The lodgers have the smaller rooms and share the remaining bathroom and clean it themselves.

OP will be charge more for a larger ensuite room than a smaller room without a bathroom.

It's not "my set up".

Lodgers are pretty much like an HMO only the landlord/lady lives in the property and there is usually a communal living room that they may be able to use, quietly, if the landlady is either not at home or their use fits in (say, watching the same tv show).

OP - unless you have some mahoosive lady balls and can set down effectively new rules for this pair, you need to get rid of them both. They are both taking the piss - I don't know if you didn't make the rules clear from the start or if you did and they are ignoring them, either way it clearly isn't working for you.

If you want to try changing the rules I would meet with them both, hand them a printed out list of rules and tell them they've a week/fortnight (*whatever is legal basically) to decide if they're staying under the new terms, or if they're finding somewhere else, and to bugger off if that's their decision.~

Don't discuss it with them, do not say things like 'I would like it if'... hand out new rules 'these are the new rules, you have x days to determine whether you're staying or find somewhere new to leave, let me know by x date. From now on, these rules apply.'

And then stick to them!

Asking again: don't you have written agreements with your lodgers? Why is nicelodger EVER in your living room if she has a huge room with an ensuite and a TV?

I think part of the issue is that you have two lodgers,, they're both younger, and it might feel sometimes like they're "ganging up" on you.

The use of your sitting room is a case in point. I think you need to say something. Your invitation to use your sitting room wasn't clear - what you imagined isn't what they imagined.

For various complex reasons, I once had a couple of younger people staying at my house - only port in a storm, and I charged them a very minimal rent. But by accident really, I kept my sitting room door closed when I was in there - it was winter & I was keeping the heat in. It also sent an unintended signal that this room was not for their use. As both of them were quite flakey, they both stayed much longer than we had initially agreed and so it was very lucky that I had inadvertently signalled that my sitting room was not shared space. It kept my sanity ...

You're going to have to say something to both of them. Good luck! You sound lovely & generous & easy going. Thing is, some people don't realise this, and don't behave in a similar way. It's not deliberate rudeness, just self-centredness - not thinking of others.

This isn’t true. Years ago I paid £350 for a month for a house share. After moving out I paid £450 for a lodger situation. I wouldn’t have assumed the rules were any different. I was paying rent to live somewhere. I wouldn’t have even questioned that I couldn’t have guests over.
(Saying that, when I did have guests they stayed in my room and didn’t sit in the living room or anything.)
If the landlady had told me I couldn’t have guests I wouldn’t have moved in. You can’t expect to take their money and expect them to have no life. You have to give and take otherwise you aren’t cut out for having people in your home.

Um, I think the OP is already 'giving' rather too much. The lodgers are going plenty of 'taking' as they have taken over most of the space without asking. It's like they're the owners and she's the lodger in her own home!

She's in the living room because OP said that she could use the living room. Maybe she wouldn't have moved in otherwise. Yes, OP can change the rules now and say they can't go in the living room but they may both move out and OP may not be able to get new lodgers for a while and if she does there may be other things that don't work well. OP has already had a bad experience and that's not uncommon.

Oh sweetheart you are kind of getting bullied here in your own home. You found really nice and I'm sure these 2 will do anything to stay because it's not easy finding somewhere nice.
So, you really need to sit them both down and say that it isn't working out for you, and say what you want to happen.
Notice before any guests
Overnight guests no more than 2xweek and not if you have guests /visitors
They are welcome to use the living room if they wish to join you but you will be watching /doing what you want in there
Kitchen and bathroom to be kept clean at all times
Imagine what you would say to new lodgers and then if they don't like it say well I'm sorry but you can stay on these terms until you find somewhere else to live .
They may not realise the dynamic here , explain that they are not flat mates and they have their private rooms but you will not be confined to yours.
Practice with a friend or have someone with you . I'm sorry you have to face this confrontation but it is part of taking their money.
Just imagine it as a work conversation, they may be friendly but they are not your friends

How do you know that they will do "anything to stay". I appreciate that finding accommodation is not always easy for everyone but that doesn't mean everyone is desperate and will accept any rules and pay any price as some poster seem to think. OP may actually need them more than they need her if she's got a mortgage to pay.

I'm trying to be nice to the OP as she is struggling. As I said if they don't like what she suggests they they should leave as she can't continue like this . But she may find that as she is nice and they have a good set up that they will agree . They may not even realise they have crossed boundaries.

I'm sure that they will agree to some things. That doesn't mean that they will agree to everything suggested by some posters e.g. no overnight guests and no use of the living room etc. Many posters are not getting the fact that landlords do not rent out rooms out of the kindness of their hearts. They usually need the money to pay the mortgage and they are competing with other landlords and flat shares. That doesn’t mean that they have to put up with absolutely anything but at the same time the landlord does not hold all the cards either. If you choose to rent out a room in your house there usually has to be some compromise as if the accommodation on offer/living arrangements/prices are not as good as elsewhere (including house shares) people will choose to live elsewhere.

Most younger than me people seem to be able to watch TV programmes / films on their iPads in their bedrooms

Do not let these people take over your living space.

Not quite sure but is lodging now £4750 p.a - before tax kicks in ( haven't googled ) but that is a way cheaper than most flat shares. They need to know the comprises they are making

This, re naffing off lodger 2 because of no 1's transgressions. Good friend of mine, who is union rep, calls this 'sheep dipping'. Dip everyone in the sheep dip to address the behaviour of one or two. Really naffs the other sheep everyone off, and reduces morale. Bad management, or in your case, lodger-management.

Totally agree with @SpongeBobJudgeyPants and @Goldpaw

Hope you manage to put your foot down Op and establish your boundaries without annoying your other lodger.