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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect lodger to ask before regularly having new boyfriend stay overnight

346 replies

PonderingAIBU · 01/10/2022 01:24

I've been renting 2 rooms in my flat to 2 lodgers for the past few months. We get on well and both are very lovely, friendly, and love my cats which is a huge bonus (all feels amazing after a bad experience with a previous lodger a while ago).

Both are about 10 years younger than me and I'm in my 40s, so feel like dating days are a bit behind me.

Both have previously asked if family can stay and I've said yes, I'm totally happy with that from time to time. I even offered my bedroom to lodger 1's mum when I was away for a longer visit.

Lodger 1 now has a new boyfriend and the first time he stayed, she announced he was staying over without asking or discussing how me or Lodger 2 feel about it. It's all very new but since then, he's stayed over for abut 2 nights a week for the last couple of weeks. (Not a huge amount).

But I'm not sure if I'm unreasonable to feel a teeny bit bothered by the fact that he's started staying over without her giving me a heads up or asking if that's ok first? I feel a bit unsettled with someone I don't know wandering around my flat when I'm working from home or him sitting in the kitchen (by himself). I'm not sure if I would have been bothered by any of this if I was 10 years younger, so I'm not sure if I've just become an old fart who feels unsettled by strangers in her home or if I'm being unreasonable?

So as not to drip feed, she's really lovely generally but I've been a bit bothered by a coupe of things, like when her mum stayed in my room, she cleared space in my cupboard without telling me and threw my clothes on the floor and the top of my cupboard (with no explanation or apology when I came home), she's also taken personal things out of my storage space and used them (I would have said yes if she asked but she didn't), and doesn't clean or put away washing up. Plus a few guests previously - like on my birthday when I felt pushed out of my own home (although to be fair I hadn't told her it was my birthday - but a heads up would have been nice). Or when she asked to stay a few days for free before she moved in, when I didn't know her yet.

I'm generally very laid back and hate bringing things up in case it upsets anyone, but boyfriend has turned up again and I'm in bed wide awake and generally feeling a bit unsettled by it, wondering how long he'll be staying and if I'll be able to use the kitchen over the weekend. It's not necessarily a landlord question, rather than it would be nice for both me and the other lodger to know who is in our home and feel safe and consulted etc (the 2 lodgers do get on very well but I get the feeling lodger 2 wasn't loving finding the new random boyfriend hanging out in the kitchen by himself when she got back from work).

I realise she's paying rent and is entitled to start a new relationship. And I don't want to be unreasonable about it. But I'm not sure why I've got a knot in my stomach when I heard the boyfriend walk in again. :(

AIBU to even be bothered by the not asking about the boyfriend staying over. And should I just let it slide because we get along well and otherwise, she is lovely and friendly to have around? Sorry for the long post.

OP posts:
Tessabelle74 · 02/10/2022 17:32

If it was just the bf staying I'd be more lenient, but the not clearing up and using my stuff would add up to me giving her notice. You're a landlord not her skivvy

Kazzzzzzzzzzz · 02/10/2022 17:34

You should have thought about this and put it in writing and in her contract. I had a landlord say no-one can stay without advance notice and only 3 times a month and no more.

angela99999 · 02/10/2022 17:34

We had lodgers for years but made it clear at the outset that they were renting a room for one person and could not have boyfriends/girlfriends to stay without discussion. In fact this only happened once and, when I found he was expecting that she would stay every weekend I said I wasn't happy with this and he moved with his girfriend to another flat.
It's a pain to have people you don't know staying in your home, they could be anybody, they could steal things, they will use your food.
Just say no.

WTAFhappened123 · 02/10/2022 17:46

Is there anything in your contract? Did you ask for professional single people/females ? I wouldn’t be happy either if a male appeared and was staying over - do you share a bathroom?

Fizzyfetlocks · 02/10/2022 17:57

Imagine you were being asked this by a friend. She tells you she has taken in a lodger, you let her mother sleep in your room whilst she leaves your stuff on the floor, uses your stuff and her daughter rearranges the furniture. What would you say? I know how you feel but you have a duty of care to a) you and b) lodger 2. Plus if she wants her mum/boyfriend/random friends over and to rearrange stuff, she can get her own place. I’m your age and it would really upset me. You deserve better and you’re being too nice. ❤️

Poppingmad123 · 02/10/2022 18:04

Firstly I wouldn’t give up my room again if her family visit, whether you are there or not. That’s your personal space and it should now be a firm no. If she asks, you can say no and give her reasons you have given here. That should be pretty straightforward.

As for her boyfriend, ask her to give you notice if he’s coming over and to tell you how long he’s staying. Again, it’s now a shared house so she needs to give heads up and not assume it will always be fine. Tell her you don’t feel comfortable with people you don’t know, he is really a stranger to you so you want to make sure anything personal is put away. Again pretty simple. Say you’ll do the same yourself and this start with informing that this weekend your sister is visiting so no other visitors please. You just need to be straight to the point and not try and be friendly or emotional about it.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. You need to nip it in the bud if you don’t want to be a door mat or feel an outcast in your own home.

Dragonsmother · 02/10/2022 18:04

I rented for most of my 20s.
all my live in landlords had rules around lounge, kitchen, guests and the house is general.

It sounds like you have an open friendly home and it’s time to put in some boundaries.

It would be best to call a house dinner just the three of you and work this through.

You may find that you are outgrowing renting your home out?

YDBear · 02/10/2022 18:07

As for messing around with your things, that’s not on and you need to tell her to stop. I guess these days it might seem unreasonable to expect her to like a nun, although I kind of think if she wants to sleep with the boyfriend she can go to his place surely.
The big thing here seems to me having the BF in the place when she isn’t around. I think that’s not on. If he stays over he should leave when she leaves. Simple as that and just basic good manners, I would have thought.
I would say you need to lay down the law, but renters are 10 a penny these days and maybe you just just get rid of her and get a new one, and when you do, make sure the rules of the house are clear from the get go.

exaltedwombat · 02/10/2022 18:19

It's not unreasonable for you to feel like this, but it's not unreasonable for a lodger to have a love life. By renting out rooms you lose complete sovereignty - it's no longer JUST 'your home'.

LaDamaDeElche · 02/10/2022 18:36

Wow OP, echoing what others have said, you need to learn to be more assertive. Why do you not have the biggest room in the house for yourself? Why did you let her mother stay in your room? You seem to be treating them more like family members than lodgers. This could be a tricky situation to change without bad feeling, as it gone on for too long and the level of entitlement and lack of consideration/respect for you is high in lodger 1. I would personally give her notice and start afresh with a different lodger. You should be clear that the rent includes use of their room and the kitchen only (bathroom to if not all rooms have en-suites) and go with a no overnight guest policy. If someone wants a flat share, then they go and pay the increased rent so they have more freedom. Even in most flat shares there are still some house rules. Next time try to keep the relationship slightly more professional and polite, rather than being the way you have and getting yourself into this predicament. Don't blur the lines.

dianthus101 · 02/10/2022 18:53

LaDamaDeElche · 02/10/2022 18:36

Wow OP, echoing what others have said, you need to learn to be more assertive. Why do you not have the biggest room in the house for yourself? Why did you let her mother stay in your room? You seem to be treating them more like family members than lodgers. This could be a tricky situation to change without bad feeling, as it gone on for too long and the level of entitlement and lack of consideration/respect for you is high in lodger 1. I would personally give her notice and start afresh with a different lodger. You should be clear that the rent includes use of their room and the kitchen only (bathroom to if not all rooms have en-suites) and go with a no overnight guest policy. If someone wants a flat share, then they go and pay the increased rent so they have more freedom. Even in most flat shares there are still some house rules. Next time try to keep the relationship slightly more professional and polite, rather than being the way you have and getting yourself into this predicament. Don't blur the lines.

How do you know OP is charging less than the lodgers would pay for a flat share?

nannykatherine · 02/10/2022 19:06

The lodger is squeeezing you out of your life
it’s your flat
tell her to leave

BigMommafromBolton · 02/10/2022 19:11

I’m glad you’re not my landlady. You’ve rented out the room. She can do as she wants. They’re not causing any trouble. Next time advertise the room for a celibate only??

DahliasLove · 02/10/2022 19:11

I didn’t vote because I would say you’re being unreasonable about her boyfriend staying for the most part, although not entirely. I would say it’s part of the deal to expect a partner to stay a few nights a week.

But you are absolutely not being unreasonable about everything else, and it sounds disrespectful from her and her mums part.

Yorkie177 · 02/10/2022 19:13

I don’t know what sort of contract you already have with the lodgers but can imagine (from how lovely you sound) that you would find it difficult to have a confrontation with her so I would say you’ve been speaking to a friend who is a lawyer or something and they were shocked you hadn’t drawn up a proper contract or agreement so you think best to do so to protect all parties interest and you’ve drawn up some suggestions for both lodgers.

Include in contract everything you feel happy about ie: how much notice you need for guests and how many nights are acceptable to have guests. Include info on how often you expect them to clean, respect your possessions etc. If she disagrees you can negotiate but personally I would gently suggest if she does, that it might be best for her to move out and start afresh with a clear contract and rules for the next!

Lily4444 · 02/10/2022 19:22

I’d let him go but I would totally invite a friend round so I could have a good gossip and a glass of wine with

Jack80 · 02/10/2022 19:59

I would bring it up in a house meeting that any visitors can stay but not hang around, like in the kitchen, they are staying there to be company for the lodger so treating your flat as if it is the visitors home is not on. I would say I would like to know if friends/family or partners are staying.

katia2 · 02/10/2022 20:16

I'm interested in everyone's comments as for the past 2 months I've had a Ukrainian guest living with me, and have been wondering how I should react if she suddenly imports a boyfriend. We have been getting along fine - she is 30, the same age as my elder daughter, and while I'm obviously old enough to be her mother (65, a widow since my husband died of cancer last year), I am NOT her mother so don't like to lay down the law about her behaviour as perhaps I would with my own daughters, both of whom live away from home. The situation may not arise, as she is very considerate and respectful, but I am aware that she is on the lookout for a British boyfriend. She has one friend here, a fellow Ukrainian girl, who does stay over from time to time - I'm OK about this, as it's difficult for her to get back to where she lives at night without taking an expensive taxi, but there's a difference between her making herself at home (which she does, not always at my invitation!) and some random young man who I won't know. Should I take the bull by the horns and have a chat with my guest before it happens?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/10/2022 20:21

I think she’s got mixed up and thinks it’s an equal house share, rather than her renting a room from you as a single person.

Id sit down with her and have a chat, explaining why this isn’t on and giving her some written house rules whilst you’re at it (give the same to lodger 2 separately), and make it clear you’ll have to serve notice of this carries on.

katia2 · 02/10/2022 20:22

I mean that my guest's friend makes herself at home - obviously I want my guest to feel that this is her home, so she should have more leeway. I can't really compare it with my daughters, as when they lived at home, we often had numerous of their friends of both sexes staying over, but oddly never anyone with whom they were in a relationship. Perhaps they were embarrassed about the idea of being overheard, or maybe they just thought I would be too nosy?

Jjones8 · 02/10/2022 20:52

I don’t think either of you is being particularly unreasonable (other than her mum moving your things). It’s reasonable for her to treat it like her home …. But also reasonable for you to want your own space etc. May be that you want different things out of the “lodging” relationship, in which case perhaps she should move out.

marblemad · 02/10/2022 20:54

She's allowed to have someone stay up to 3 nights a week by law, yes courtesy would be nice, but you said yourself you're not her parent she's an adult in a flat share, whether you own the flat or not you have a contract. If you can't cope with it don't let out your rooms.

Pinkfluff76 · 02/10/2022 20:57

I’m not being funny and appreciate no one can live like a nun but queuing for your own bathroom is ridiculous and what about the water and electricity they are using? Do you just have to let everything slide? Sounds very frustrating!

Itloggedmeoutagain · 02/10/2022 21:00

marblemad · 02/10/2022 20:54

She's allowed to have someone stay up to 3 nights a week by law, yes courtesy would be nice, but you said yourself you're not her parent she's an adult in a flat share, whether you own the flat or not you have a contract. If you can't cope with it don't let out your rooms.

Can you link to that law please because that's not what this says
https://www.propertyinvestmentproject.co.uk/blog/taking-in-lodgers-rent-a-room-scheme/#guests

NattyNatashia · 02/10/2022 21:02

It really depends on what you have agreed and better still have in writing. As others have said it's your home and your rules, but if those rules haven't been made clear ...
That aside I think would also depend a little if he returns the favour e.g. he stays a couples of nights at yours and she at his in return, if not they are taking advantage perhaps.