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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to expect lodger to ask before regularly having new boyfriend stay overnight

346 replies

PonderingAIBU · 01/10/2022 01:24

I've been renting 2 rooms in my flat to 2 lodgers for the past few months. We get on well and both are very lovely, friendly, and love my cats which is a huge bonus (all feels amazing after a bad experience with a previous lodger a while ago).

Both are about 10 years younger than me and I'm in my 40s, so feel like dating days are a bit behind me.

Both have previously asked if family can stay and I've said yes, I'm totally happy with that from time to time. I even offered my bedroom to lodger 1's mum when I was away for a longer visit.

Lodger 1 now has a new boyfriend and the first time he stayed, she announced he was staying over without asking or discussing how me or Lodger 2 feel about it. It's all very new but since then, he's stayed over for abut 2 nights a week for the last couple of weeks. (Not a huge amount).

But I'm not sure if I'm unreasonable to feel a teeny bit bothered by the fact that he's started staying over without her giving me a heads up or asking if that's ok first? I feel a bit unsettled with someone I don't know wandering around my flat when I'm working from home or him sitting in the kitchen (by himself). I'm not sure if I would have been bothered by any of this if I was 10 years younger, so I'm not sure if I've just become an old fart who feels unsettled by strangers in her home or if I'm being unreasonable?

So as not to drip feed, she's really lovely generally but I've been a bit bothered by a coupe of things, like when her mum stayed in my room, she cleared space in my cupboard without telling me and threw my clothes on the floor and the top of my cupboard (with no explanation or apology when I came home), she's also taken personal things out of my storage space and used them (I would have said yes if she asked but she didn't), and doesn't clean or put away washing up. Plus a few guests previously - like on my birthday when I felt pushed out of my own home (although to be fair I hadn't told her it was my birthday - but a heads up would have been nice). Or when she asked to stay a few days for free before she moved in, when I didn't know her yet.

I'm generally very laid back and hate bringing things up in case it upsets anyone, but boyfriend has turned up again and I'm in bed wide awake and generally feeling a bit unsettled by it, wondering how long he'll be staying and if I'll be able to use the kitchen over the weekend. It's not necessarily a landlord question, rather than it would be nice for both me and the other lodger to know who is in our home and feel safe and consulted etc (the 2 lodgers do get on very well but I get the feeling lodger 2 wasn't loving finding the new random boyfriend hanging out in the kitchen by himself when she got back from work).

I realise she's paying rent and is entitled to start a new relationship. And I don't want to be unreasonable about it. But I'm not sure why I've got a knot in my stomach when I heard the boyfriend walk in again. :(

AIBU to even be bothered by the not asking about the boyfriend staying over. And should I just let it slide because we get along well and otherwise, she is lovely and friendly to have around? Sorry for the long post.

OP posts:
gogohmm · 03/10/2022 16:34

Yab a bit unreasonable

It's their home, your aren't their parent. Having a boyfriend to stay should not be something that requires permission on an occasional basis especially if it's matched by her staying elsewhere. Yes it does impact on space so if they were taking over the living room that would be unreasonable but the act of staying No not unreasonable (yes I've had lodgers in the past, no I didn't expect them to tell me they were bringing someone home)

drspouse · 03/10/2022 16:46

I'd leave gender out of it really, it's the same having a strange woman wandering around your house.
It really isn't. If you want an all female household, you can have an all female household.

ReallyTryingTo · 03/10/2022 18:08

2 days a week through the month is still over a week!! That's a week that everyone else is subsidising this boyfriend.
So the whole thing about her staying at his makes complete sense.
I kind of feel you've let this person take over your home and obviously the other lodger is feeling a way about it and potentially you could lose a decent lodger.
Also, what would you do if the other lodger got a partner - you couldn't suddenly say no. So I think you need to nip it in the bud as soon as. If you and your place isn't being respected it's only going to get worse.

I would completely hate that whole situation, from your point of view and your other lodgers.

ginghamstarfish · 03/10/2022 22:40

Get rid, she's not lovely, she's a CF. If I were you I would have only female lodgers, no guests, they need to find a house share if that's what they want. Written house rules as suggested, will make life easier for you.

cutthelawn · 04/10/2022 11:16

If I were you I would have only female lodgers, no guests, they need to find a house share if that's what they want

female lodgers is by no means easier than males. The proof is in the op. I've also lived in enough house shares to see female tenants to be some of the worst you can get. Gender isn't a measure of whos good/bad-believe me.

whynotwhatknot · 04/10/2022 11:36

Its yur house you dont need a tv rota- if they have a tv in their room they can watch whatever in there unless youre all watching same thing-whats the point of a tv if theyre not using it and then you can sit in your lown living room

theyre walking all over you in yor own house

Lily4444 · 04/10/2022 22:01

Sorry just realised I replied to the wrong thread 🤦‍♀️

marblemad · 05/10/2022 02:20

Itloggedmeoutagain · 02/10/2022 21:00

Can you link to that law please because that's not what this says
https://www.propertyinvestmentproject.co.uk/blog/taking-in-lodgers-rent-a-room-scheme/#guests

Show quote history

My Masters is within property law, 3 nights a week is the industry standard, your link is nothing more than a suggestion please educate yourself, broad or illegal contractual stating's are nothing more than disputable statements.

marblemad · 05/10/2022 02:23

whynotwhatknot · 04/10/2022 11:36

Its yur house you dont need a tv rota- if they have a tv in their room they can watch whatever in there unless youre all watching same thing-whats the point of a tv if theyre not using it and then you can sit in your lown living room

theyre walking all over you in yor own house

Please educate yourself on rental law they have full access and equal rights as the LL, regardless of if the LL lives there, the LL is only solely responsible for bill payment, everything else is equal decision if you are renting out your space. Ie, the lodger or tenant is allowed first priority to use spaces and give input just as much as the LL.

Pemba · 05/10/2022 02:49

@marblemad Are you in the USA I wonder?

Because most people on here in the UK think the lodger has very few rights and I believe this is correct. I am normally all for tenant's rights but lodgers are a very different thing which is as it should be IMO. They are living in someone else's home like a paying guest, they should be treated fairly of course but not to make the landlord uncomfortable in THEIR own place.

Laws in other countries may well be different

Badgirlriri · 05/10/2022 03:27

I wish people would stop assuming lodgers pay so much less therefore shouldn’t have any rights or any guests etc. I paid MORE as a lodger.

Pemba · 05/10/2022 08:32

Well one benefit of being a lodger I suppose is that you don't have to pay bills like Council tax, gas, water etc. Furniture is also all provided of course and sometimes even cleaning. Did what you paid take this into account?

Also there should be more flexibility with dates and notice when you want to leave.

For example we are tenants about to leave our rented house we have to make sure notice is formally given on a specific day of the month. Then we have to make sure the house and garden are all clean and ready for the handover.,close down all the accounts ie with energy companies, etc etc

Lodging may be an ideal solution for many people who are looking for something temporary and don't want the responsibility of running their own household. If it doesn't work out then it's simple and quick to move on. I don't think that (normally) they are being exploited.

dianthus101 · 05/10/2022 09:34

Well one benefit of being a lodger I suppose is that you don't have to pay bills like Council tax, gas, water etc. Furniture is also all provided of course and sometimes even cleaning. Did what you paid take this into account?

Some lodgers will pay bills. Conversely, Some house shares have bills included. There are not necessarily any real differences apart from the fact that lodgers don't have the same legal rights as tenants.

dianthus101 · 05/10/2022 09:36

I wish people would stop assuming lodgers pay so much less therefore shouldn’t have any rights or any guests etc. I paid MORE as a lodger.

Yes, there are a lot of assumptions.

JustLyra · 05/10/2022 11:48

Badgirlriri · 05/10/2022 03:27

I wish people would stop assuming lodgers pay so much less therefore shouldn’t have any rights or any guests etc. I paid MORE as a lodger.

It’s not about people thinking lodgers should have less rights or have no right to guests etc - legally lodgers have less rights and have no right legal to have overnight guests etc.

Itloggedmeoutagain · 05/10/2022 12:29

marblemad · 05/10/2022 02:20

My Masters is within property law, 3 nights a week is the industry standard, your link is nothing more than a suggestion please educate yourself, broad or illegal contractual stating's are nothing more than disputable statements.

Show quote history

So can you link to that law?
No one asked for your qualifications but they did ask for evidence

Frida9 · 05/10/2022 12:37

Haven't read the whole thread because it's so long but replace the word lodger with roommate and yes YABU. This is this girls home, she's paying to be there and as long as the boyfriend isn't being unreasonable (eating your food, working from your flat or using your gas and electric unreasonably) then I don't see an issue.
If you don't like sharing your space stop taking in lodgers, your not her mum and she's being quite reasonable having the boyfriend to stay only 2 nights a week.
In future maybe look for lodgers who are older/at the same life stage as you.

FlowerArranger · 05/10/2022 12:44

replace the word lodger with roommate and yes YABU

Sigh.
That's the whole point.
Lodgers are NOT roommates...

JustLyra · 05/10/2022 13:05

Frida9 · 05/10/2022 12:37

Haven't read the whole thread because it's so long but replace the word lodger with roommate and yes YABU. This is this girls home, she's paying to be there and as long as the boyfriend isn't being unreasonable (eating your food, working from your flat or using your gas and electric unreasonably) then I don't see an issue.
If you don't like sharing your space stop taking in lodgers, your not her mum and she's being quite reasonable having the boyfriend to stay only 2 nights a week.
In future maybe look for lodgers who are older/at the same life stage as you.

The point is that you can’t just swap the word lodger with roommate. Nor can you just swap it with tenant. All three are very different things legally.

If the lodger wants to be treated as a roommate she needs to find a house share. That’s not what she has atm.

Frida9 · 05/10/2022 13:12

Can't quote here today for some reason but that's fair enough, if you had kids and this woman was having a stranger stay that would be unreasonable.
Seeing the consensus on here that being a lodger means you don't have the same freedom over your own life I really would not want to be anyone's lodger.

Pemba · 05/10/2022 13:19

Fair enough

Pemba · 05/10/2022 13:27

DD and her partner went to visit his brother the other weekend, he lives in a different city. As he is a lodger they stayed over night elsewhere and saw him in the day in the town and in the landlord/host's garden. The family were very nice, chatted and gave them tea but might have objected to two more people overnight, he didn't even ask.

I can see it's difficult if you have a romantic partner though. Just have to hope one of you is a tenant or homeowner rather than a lodger. Or there's hotels. If the relationship works out you can move in together

dianthus101 · 05/10/2022 14:35

The point is that you can’t just swap the word lodger with roommate. Nor can you just swap it with tenant. All three are very different things legally.

The difference legally is only really that a lodger must be served "reasonable notice" to leave. There isn't necessarily any other difference.

dianthus101 · 05/10/2022 14:38

It’s not about people thinking lodgers should have less rights or have no right to guests etc - legally lodgers have less rights and have no right legal to have overnight guests etc.

I don't think tenants have legal right to overnight guests either though.

JustLyra · 05/10/2022 14:39

dianthus101 · 05/10/2022 14:35

The point is that you can’t just swap the word lodger with roommate. Nor can you just swap it with tenant. All three are very different things legally.

The difference legally is only really that a lodger must be served "reasonable notice" to leave. There isn't necessarily any other difference.

There are lots of differences.

tenants have far more rights. Including the right to privacy - their LL can’t just wander in.

The point is that lodgers and roommates are very different entities. When you’re a lodger your choices are to follow your LL’s rules or leave.

not just take it upon yourself to rearrange their furniture and move your boyfriend in.