AIBU to expect lodger to ask before regularly having new boyfriend stay overnight

[PonderingAIBU]

I've been renting 2 rooms in my flat to 2 lodgers for the past few months. We get on well and both are very lovely, friendly, and love my cats which is a huge bonus (all feels amazing after a bad experience with a previous lodger a while ago).

Both are about 10 years younger than me and I'm in my 40s, so feel like dating days are a bit behind me.

Both have previously asked if family can stay and I've said yes, I'm totally happy with that from time to time. I even offered my bedroom to lodger 1's mum when I was away for a longer visit.

Lodger 1 now has a new boyfriend and the first time he stayed, she announced he was staying over without asking or discussing how me or Lodger 2 feel about it. It's all very new but since then, he's stayed over for abut 2 nights a week for the last couple of weeks. (Not a huge amount).

But I'm not sure if I'm unreasonable to feel a teeny bit bothered by the fact that he's started staying over without her giving me a heads up or asking if that's ok first? I feel a bit unsettled with someone I don't know wandering around my flat when I'm working from home or him sitting in the kitchen (by himself). I'm not sure if I would have been bothered by any of this if I was 10 years younger, so I'm not sure if I've just become an old fart who feels unsettled by strangers in her home or if I'm being unreasonable?

So as not to drip feed, she's really lovely generally but I've been a bit bothered by a coupe of things, like when her mum stayed in my room, she cleared space in my cupboard without telling me and threw my clothes on the floor and the top of my cupboard (with no explanation or apology when I came home), she's also taken personal things out of my storage space and used them (I would have said yes if she asked but she didn't), and doesn't clean or put away washing up. Plus a few guests previously - like on my birthday when I felt pushed out of my own home (although to be fair I hadn't told her it was my birthday - but a heads up would have been nice). Or when she asked to stay a few days for free before she moved in, when I didn't know her yet.

I'm generally very laid back and hate bringing things up in case it upsets anyone, but boyfriend has turned up again and I'm in bed wide awake and generally feeling a bit unsettled by it, wondering how long he'll be staying and if I'll be able to use the kitchen over the weekend. It's not necessarily a landlord question, rather than it would be nice for both me and the other lodger to know who is in our home and feel safe and consulted etc (the 2 lodgers do get on very well but I get the feeling lodger 2 wasn't loving finding the new random boyfriend hanging out in the kitchen by himself when she got back from work).

I realise she's paying rent and is entitled to start a new relationship. And I don't want to be unreasonable about it. But I'm not sure why I've got a knot in my stomach when I heard the boyfriend walk in again. :(

AIBU to even be bothered by the not asking about the boyfriend staying over. And should I just let it slide because we get along well and otherwise, she is lovely and friendly to have around? Sorry for the long post.

I would give her notice as she has been really disrespectful.

If I had a lodger I would veto any overnight guests and that includes family, full stop. Their love life is not my problem. They can move in with their partner or go to their place and their family member can get a hotel.

If you already have two lodgers in your home you also don't want everyone to start adding random strangers to the mix or it would get rather overcrowded pretty fast...

It sounds like she needs a house-share with other renters rather than being a lodger in someone's home.

If you don't feel comfortable with any part of a lodger's behavior, you have to assert yourself. I certainly would not want a strange man in my house, and if arrangements for guests staying over wasn't spelled out when you rented the rooms, they need to be spelled out now.
It sounds like the flat is too small for a male guest. You need to tell her she needs to find other arrangements because having a male guest wasn't part of the rental agreement. Give her two weeks to move out, and no male guest overnight in the meantime.

The behavior of her mother was reprehensible. Even handling your clothes or any other belongs, let alone throwing them on the floor was outrageous. When you talk to your soon to be ex-renter, make it clear that mum is not welcome AT ALL in your home any more. Be firm about this.

But again, super awkward snd really not the kind of conversation I want to be having or person I want to be who sets odd rules like that.

That's exactly what's gotten you in this position OP. The more you're that way, the more some people will take advantage.
Clearlylodger 1 has no issues getting her own way in your home.* *

I can wholeheartedly sympathise with you.
my daughter recently had a lodger. He rented the top ( attic) part of her small townhouse. Basically he trashed it. Had stinky dirty clothes plied high, remnants of takeaway food left in bags in the wardrobe of all places and everywhere in the room. Had the audacity to use her shampoo and conditioner in the shower as couldn’t be arsed buying his own, never changed his bed sheets and all the rest .. I could go on. She eventually gave him 2 months notice after telling him she no longer required a lodger and her circumstances had changed. She also told him to get a professional cleaner but he never did, I helped her clean up after he removed his stuff. She felt very uncomfortable I her own home, even though he came across as ‘ respectable’ as a supply teacher.
The bottom line is, if it isn’t working for you then it’s up to you to call the shots. Don’t put up with him wandering about your kitchen and generally treating the place as somewhere to put his head down. He doesn’t contribute to the rent so please don’t let it go on any longer. Hope all goes well x

If it's your flat, then it's time to give her notice.
This kind of thing happened to my DS, who had a lodger in his house, but she kept taking more and more advantage of his good nature. She was always having friends (plural) in and staying over, and one was knocking on the door at 2.00 am in the morning.

I wonder if your lodger is clear on the difference between a being a lodger and living in a flat share? Her behaviour suggests she’s treating it as the latter. Was it made clear when she signed the contract? Until seeing threads on here about lodgers I’d never considered the difference

Your house
Your rules
End of

It feels like there are some behaviours there that just don’t seem respectful, reorganising your living room, throwing your clothes out of your cupboard, not clearing dishes, inviting guests without asking that I wouldn’t do to family let alone my landlord. I would give some serious thought to giving her notice before you lose your other lodger.

No, she can’t. She’s not a tenant. Some of you need to learn the difference.

I think this lodger is pushing her luck a bit.
Was a bit shocked about how her mum treated your room. I wouldn't give up your room again
I think having BF over is understandable as its their home but it's not unreasonable to say you don't want guests more than 1 or 2 nights a week. And they don't use lounge and kitchen without lodger being present- I mean making a quick cuppa to take back to room fine, sitting at your kitchen table is a bit intrusive.
I also think advance notice is polite so you don't walk out of bathroom with towel round you and come face to face with unexpected guest.

I'm considering getting a lodger and currently reading this thread with interest. Can you please direct me to the law that says I have to allow visitors to stay three nights a week please? TIA.

You’ll be in for a long wait - there is no law that states that.

Its as mythical as the belief that a single parent on benefits is judged on their single-ness depending on how many nights a week a partner stays over.

That's not true.

Genuine question - what are the benefits of being a lodger when you could just get a flat share and have nobody who owns the property living with you. Seems far more relaxed - why do people ‘lodge’ is it considerably cheaper?

It may be cheaper, but it is also easier to leave, without having to give 2 months notice. And not being jointly and severally liable for your flatmates' share of the rent if they were to default. Generally much easier to find too, and easier to pass referencing and credit checks. Utilities and council tax included in the rent.

Lodging is short term/temporary (usually, sometimes it suits people for ages!), no huge deposits, no long notice, no real responsibilities. It is somewhere to come home, sleep, watch tv in bed, cook, wash, go back out to work.

It is, or should be, faff free living for a short time - tends to suit people working away from home, between long term rentals, relationship break ups - it's what people did before HMO's and AirB&B tbh.

I was a logder from the age of 19 for 11 years. Landlord and I got on well and have remained good friends after I moved out 5 years ago.
There was another room that must have had about 8 lodgers in the time I was there. Best thing was the layout, townhouse with my bedroom on the ground floor and own loo. Landlord and lodger 2 on top floor and landlord had an en-suite. Living room and kitchen on middle floor.

As adults, we need our spaces and some people are not cut out to be flat sharers, even if its friends or family.

The word cuckoo springs to mind - it’s like you’re being slowly pushed out of your own home. For your own sanity, she needs to go. Sounds like she’ll forever be pushing boundaries whatever you agree with her now about future arrangements 😬

A lodger is not on the same footing as someone in a flat-share arrangement, and she has stepped close over that line repeatedly.

So you would be chilled for someone to live for free for practically half the week on your dollar? So generous, can I sent you my bank details, I don’t want to live with you but fifty quid or so a week would come in handy.

The apple clearly doesn't fall far from the tree and this CF lodger clearly picked up her wonderful manners from her equally CF mother. You seem at pains to keep things tickety-boo but it is YOUR home and YOU are in charge. I'd call a house meeting and come up with some clear guidelines for everyone on what is and isn't acceptable. There seem to be no boundaries whatsoever and when there are no boundaries a CF like this will just take the piss, which she is doing. Once boundaries have been established, and she is not adhering to them (because she won't, that much is obvious) it's time to find yourself a new lodger. She isn't 'lovely', she's an ill-mannered brat.

She's not in a flatshare.
She's a lodger.
How the fuck do people still not understand the difference?

Lodging is short term/temporary (usually, sometimes it suits people for ages!), no huge deposits, no long notice, no real responsibilities. It is somewhere to come home, sleep, watch tv in bed, cook, wash, go back out to work.

That isn't necessarily the case at all. It isn't "usually" anymore short term than renting and deposits similar. You don't have any real responsibilities in a house share either and it will also be somewhere o come home, sleep, watch tv in bed, cook, wash, go back out to work.

I would give both notice and start again. Or give notice to the trouble maker and give the other lodger a choice of leaving or remaining with amended rules.

You need to have a decent amount of personal space so you either choose to take the ensuite room and allow lodgers to use the living room or keep the smaller room and have the living room as your private space, no lodgers allowed unless by invitation and only with you present.

Doing this, you may get a slightly smaller amount of income. However, you should be allowed to live yourself and for your peace of mind, it looks as though you need structure otherwise you people please. So take the time to think of all the things, which have gone wrong and come up with a set of rules you can live with. A is allowed. B isn’t.

This is the whole problem right here. He was never part of the deal. What about payments for the services he uses freely?

YANBU Had a similar situation during lockdown with our lodger. Initially she asked if her bf could stay at the weekends. We were fine with that. Then his shifts changed and it was two weekdays instead. But then my dh noticed bf leaving the house and returning at other times. He had also stopped leaving his outdoor boots in the cloakroom so we couldn't say for sure if he was there or not. She also left him in the house when she went out.Then she started to invite her pals around to sit in the kitchen and drink tea and chat... for hours, we had to ask them to leave so we could cook our meals. Eventually I politely confronted her about bf being at the house outside of agreed times. She got a bit aggressive and claimed that we were mistaken/lying etc. etc. I asked her to look for somewhere else to live and she found another place within a few days. I think if I hadn't said anything bf would have just sneakily moved in.
A lodger does not have the right to have guests without your permission afaik, they're not a tenant and don't have the same rights. Personally I would get rid and start over, this time have a written set of rules. You've been far too nice and she is taking advantage of that.