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Original poster

Partner going to a wedding without me

186 replies

ivegotthisyeah · 29/09/2022 18:28

I'll keep it brief and to the point.
if you were invited to a wedding abroad and you couldn't afford it but your partner could ( together just shy of 2 years) one has no money issues no mortgage good job other has mortgage, much lower income and responsibilities to pay for, would you expect partner to pay for other one?
Would you be pissed off if they didn't and booked it without you? It's the better off partners friends wedding

OP posts:
Ramsbottom · 30/09/2022 10:39

If he really cared about you he would have wanted you at that wedding.

good god, this is going too far. This type of angry hysterical hyperbole is ludicrous. He’s allowed to go his mates wedding with his other mates and doesn’t have to pay for her to come. It’s nothing to do with if he cares for her or not, neither is the amount of holidays he has. They don’t have kids together, don’t share finances and don’t live together.

its So controlling to say otherwise.

Ragwort · 30/09/2022 10:52

The wedding is really not the issue here ... you need to think about why you are considering moving him into your, and your DC's home. Think very carefully OP.

Workinghardeveryday · 30/09/2022 15:44

but relationships evolve, people move into and the share a mortgage no?

otherwise what is the alternative….

RealityTV · 30/09/2022 19:47

@ivegotthisyeah, I have ONE question; did you ASK him to pay for you?
If you did and he has the money, then that is a reason to be upset.
If you did not, then you have no reason to be upset.
Without the context of the conversations surrounding this, we can't say who was unreasonable here. Perhaps you're assuming he should have just stepped up, however, men aren't mind readers! Women aren't either! You would need to ask. If you did ask and he said NO, that's another issue if he had the money. If he didn't have the money, then him not paying for you is OK. We need more info. You gave a bare minimum of detail here and I don't feel that just because he has more money means he has to pay for you to go to things you can't afford, ESPECIALLY when you've already said he is generous with you! If you ask and he has it, then sure, but you didn't say what the conversation was, so until I know that piece of detail, I have no judgment.

Original poster
ivegotthisyeah · 30/09/2022 19:49

RealityTV · 30/09/2022 19:47

@ivegotthisyeah, I have ONE question; did you ASK him to pay for you?
If you did and he has the money, then that is a reason to be upset.
If you did not, then you have no reason to be upset.
Without the context of the conversations surrounding this, we can't say who was unreasonable here. Perhaps you're assuming he should have just stepped up, however, men aren't mind readers! Women aren't either! You would need to ask. If you did ask and he said NO, that's another issue if he had the money. If he didn't have the money, then him not paying for you is OK. We need more info. You gave a bare minimum of detail here and I don't feel that just because he has more money means he has to pay for you to go to things you can't afford, ESPECIALLY when you've already said he is generous with you! If you ask and he has it, then sure, but you didn't say what the conversation was, so until I know that piece of detail, I have no judgment.

No I didn't ask him as I would never ask for money from anyone I would feel very cheeky asking

OP posts:
Original poster
ivegotthisyeah · 30/09/2022 19:53

In fact what I think I'm more upset about is that he didn't offer, as if he had I don't think I'd have it in me to say yes

OP posts:
Ramsbottom · 30/09/2022 20:00

I won’t lie, uou give the impression you would have Leapt at the chance.

jimmyjammy001 · 30/09/2022 20:00

Don't think it is really fair to pay for you each time you go away, you said he works hard and earns well, I'm guessing he dosent have kids either, if he can go away when he wants, does he still intend to go away when by himself when you move in together? Have you been on a family holiday with him and your kids yet? Might want to discuss finances for future holidays if he can afford nice holidays

Darbs76 · 30/09/2022 20:03

You’d think he would want you to go, so you can enjoy some time together. If he hasn’t offered to pay perhaps he doesn’t want you to go. No I wouldn’t automatically expect someone to pay for me but given his situation is so different financially and it would mean a holiday together for you, I’d be miffed if he didn’t offer

Original poster
ivegotthisyeah · 30/09/2022 20:10

He has got kids actually which he does see. We are going on a family holiday next year as well each paying for own and own kids hence why I definitely couldn't afford it as I want to make sure my kids get a holiday

OP posts:
RealityTV · 30/09/2022 20:13

ivegotthisyeah · 30/09/2022 19:53

In fact what I think I'm more upset about is that he didn't offer, as if he had I don't think I'd have it in me to say yes

@ivegotthisyeah, OK! So you're mad because he didn't OFFER, BUT YOU NEVER ASKED! It isn't his fault you have a problem asking and he isn't a mind reader to know that you EXPECT that he should offer! You admitted that he is normally generous! He might have assumed that you didn't really want to go. Did you already RSVP to go with him? If not, that may have factored into his thinking as well.
You are dating someone in a better financial position than you. That has undoubtedly left you with some emotional issues. However, if you want something and this is your partner, then you have to OPEN YOUR MOUTH AND ASK! You ARE being unreasonable to be mad with him because you never gave him a chance to help you! Don't be so proud as to not ask for help when you need it! If he loves you and cares about you, he will be willing to help if he can. Give him that chance to actually help you by opening your mouth & letting him know you need something INSTEAD of needing help and just assuming he will somehow notice! AND, when he gets back, don't railroad him into an argument because he didn't meet your expectations! This issue is 100% YOUR issue - not his! I'm willing to bet he would have happily bought a ticket for you IF YOU HAD JUST ASKED! Everyone doesn't think the same and he may have assumed that since you weren't asking him, you didn't intend to go! HE IS NOT A MIND READER!

Communicate your needs better before or you will end up upset a lot!

SleepingStandingUp · 01/10/2022 00:04

ivegotthisyeah · 30/09/2022 19:53

In fact what I think I'm more upset about is that he didn't offer, as if he had I don't think I'd have it in me to say yes

So you're mad at him for not offering so you could turn him down and not go nay way. Maybe he didn't offer because he knew you'd just say no. Maybe he didn't realise until you cried that you were that bothered about going as yo u didn't ask him.

Relationships are built in communication and honesty, not expecting your partner to be psychic and know he's meant to do something just so you can tell him no

HeddaGarbled · 01/10/2022 00:26

How did he react after you cried?

Ramsbottom · 01/10/2022 05:18

Darbs76 · 30/09/2022 20:03

You’d think he would want you to go, so you can enjoy some time together. If he hasn’t offered to pay perhaps he doesn’t want you to go. No I wouldn’t automatically expect someone to pay for me but given his situation is so different financially and it would mean a holiday together for you, I’d be miffed if he didn’t offer

I’m confused by this post. Do you think they don’t spend time together or that a wedding with his mates is ideal time for alone time..?

StClare101 · 01/10/2022 05:49

Err no, I don’t think he should feel he has to offer to pay. You don’t live together, you have separate finances and you don’t know the bride and groom. It would never , ever cross my mind to expect him to pay in these circumstances.

Confusion101 · 01/10/2022 05:59

OP you said its a week long trip. First of all what is it exactly that you want him to pay for? Flights? Accomm? Food and drink for the week?

You have told him you can't afford it. If I was in that situation and someone offered to pay my flights and accomm, I would be annoyed that they are putting extra pressure on me to attend something I already said I cannot afford. Perhaps this is his thinking.

I know you are hurt he didn't offer to pay, but again I ask, what exactly would you have expected him to offer? Because if its flights, accomm and your week abroad, that is a lot to offer, even if he can afford it!

I also think ye would be setting a precedent of paying for your weddings, e.g. If your friend was getting married would u then pay for him at it because he paid for u to attend his friend's wedding....

Ignore the people giving you a hard time about the nitty gritty of your relationship title, separate finances, etc 🙄🙄🙄💕

BigChesterDraws · 01/10/2022 06:01

He’s not a partner. You share a lot more with a partner than a bed s few times a week. He’s your boyfriend. That’s why he pays for your dates. He’s an old-fashioned type of boyfriend. In a true partnership you’d share finances and decisions and the question of who is paying for who would never arise because the re would be no “my money, your money.” If you were partners you would have been invited as a couple also.

JamSandle · 01/10/2022 06:05

Id be happy for my partner to go without me if i couldn't afford it but they could but id expect a conversation around it first.

BigChesterDraws · 01/10/2022 06:06

And who would look after your children if you went? Or are you expecting him to pay for your children to go too?

Ladybug14 · 01/10/2022 06:23

You burst into tears (making it clear that you wanted to go to the wedding)?

Have I got that right?

If I have , then he is very aware that you want to go. And you are invited as his plus one.

I'm assuming he's aware that you can't afford to go?

If all the above is correct then imo he doesn't want you at the wedding with him

No idea why.

I'd ask him.

But as a couple your communication seems to be atrocious

Until I'd sorted my head out regards all the above I wouldn't be moving him in to my home any time soon

ChampagneCamping · 01/10/2022 06:23

BigChesterDraws · 01/10/2022 06:01

He’s not a partner. You share a lot more with a partner than a bed s few times a week. He’s your boyfriend. That’s why he pays for your dates. He’s an old-fashioned type of boyfriend. In a true partnership you’d share finances and decisions and the question of who is paying for who would never arise because the re would be no “my money, your money.” If you were partners you would have been invited as a couple also.

This is rubbish. I know a handful of mature people (50s & 60s) who actively opt to live apart but remain in a serious partnership with each other. The people I know have been together for a decade and two decades. The set up meets their mature far from teenage needs. They get their own quiet space for existing family and interests, plus shared time/responsibilities/deep connection/continued support, all with fewer living together niggles.

witchyw · 01/10/2022 06:36

I'm not sure "partner" accurately describes this relationship
If I was attending a wedding overseas and my partner did not have the funds to do so I'd either pay for them (in fact I've done exactly this with my now DH) or wouldn't go.
If that person was a more casual bf then I'd likely go alone.

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/10/2022 06:42

Do not put him on the deeds op. If you split, it will cost a lot to buy him out. Plus you’ve got to pay to add him on. He already has his own house and instead of making a profit on any increase in value on one house, he will be making it on 1.5, whereas your profit will b halved. One each is fair, regardless of where you live.

witchyw · 01/10/2022 06:43

I don't think you're a money grabber
I think the term "partner" denotes a level of sharing life that you don't have but would like, which is why you're put out that he's going without you due to you not having the finances to attend.

witchyw · 01/10/2022 06:48

CantFindTheBeat · 29/09/2022 20:20

What has he said, OP?

In your situation, if he spends a lot of time at your place, and expects the relationship to move forward, I'd expect the convo to go:

Partner: "brilliant, we are both invited to Eric & Ernie's wedding in Benidorm - can you get the kids looked after?"
OP: "I can but money is a bit tight with energy rises & cost of living"
Partner: "don't worry about that, I'll sort it".
OP: "fab, thank you very much."

Spot on.
If he can "more than afford it" and you have plans for a future together I would be pissed off if finances were separate and I wouldn't do that if I were the higher earner