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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner going to a wedding without me

186 replies

ivegotthisyeah · 29/09/2022 18:28

I'll keep it brief and to the point.
if you were invited to a wedding abroad and you couldn't afford it but your partner could ( together just shy of 2 years) one has no money issues no mortgage good job other has mortgage, much lower income and responsibilities to pay for, would you expect partner to pay for other one?
Would you be pissed off if they didn't and booked it without you? It's the better off partners friends wedding

OP posts:
Badger1970 · 29/09/2022 20:11

I think I'd be a bit gutted that you had the chance of a nice break together and he wanted to go alone tbh... I thought a relationship meant doing things together.

HeythereDelilah101 · 29/09/2022 20:11

If you live together I would expect to go together.

MRSE20 · 29/09/2022 20:12

I think the “you’re not his partner” comments are a bit uncalled for. I’m married but when me and husband were together for a couple of years and looking at moving in we felt like partners, we were partners and everyone called us partners. I feel like everyone’s trying to down play your relationship and make you feel like a teenager for the sake of it.
I think it totally depends on how much this wedding is costing your partner and does he actually want you to go with him. If it’s costing him a fair bit and he can’t afford you to go as well then I’d understand and be fine with this. Is your partner not that worried about you going or not? This would worry me if he didn’t seem too fussed.

This is slightly different but my DH has a friend in another country and we was going to visit him but flights are very expensive so I told him I wasn’t paying it but was happy for him to go, it was only for a few days. He couldn’t of afforded to pay for mine too and I wouldn’t of let him anyway.

Lastqueenofscotland2 · 29/09/2022 20:12

wednesday32 · 29/09/2022 18:36

Not living together and separate finances then partner would go alone. No point paying double the amount. Especially because the costs don’t end at flights and hotel, there’s spending money, taxis/transfer and gift etc

Agree with this

BatsAtDawn · 29/09/2022 20:14

Definitely not. If we didn't live together, didn't share finances and this wasnt a mutual friend then no way would I expect that/be upset that I wasn't paid for. Not for something as expensive as a wedding abroad.

I'd expect my partner to go, and have fun there with his friends without me.

I'd say this was a much bigger ask than treating a partner to a meal or paying for a hotel for a UK wedding once travel etc is factored in.

Ragwort · 29/09/2022 20:17

Furry equally I am very happy to go to celebrations, holidays etc on my own.... married over 30 years but we have separate friends and interests... I wouldn't want to drag my DH along to something with my friends and equally have no interest in hanging out with his friends... we do have a few mutual friends but we are not joined at the hip.

catandcoffee · 29/09/2022 20:17

The question I'd ask myself is.... Will he still be going on solo holidays when we live together?

Skyeheather · 29/09/2022 20:18

Yes I would be pissed off. You've been together two years and are planning to move in together, he knows you can't afford to go so he's decided he'd rather go on his own rather than pay for you to join him when he can afford to.

This is his third holiday without you. What's the plan when you move into together? Are you going to pool your finances or is he going to keep going off and having a nice time without you because you can't afford your half?

I'd be questioning the whole future of this relationship myself.

Original poster
ivegotthisyeah · 29/09/2022 20:19

Ok this is a week away wedding abroad. Partner can more than afford it , mutual friends although was partners friends first
And yes thanks to who ever said people are down playing our relationship it's a serious committed relationship he practically lives with me but still has his own house until we officially move in next year
I am happy for him to go but I am disappointed I can't go and yes a bit miffed, that isn't his problem but that's why I wanted opinions

OP posts:
CantFindTheBeat · 29/09/2022 20:20

What has he said, OP?

In your situation, if he spends a lot of time at your place, and expects the relationship to move forward, I'd expect the convo to go:

Partner: "brilliant, we are both invited to Eric & Ernie's wedding in Benidorm - can you get the kids looked after?"
OP: "I can but money is a bit tight with energy rises & cost of living"
Partner: "don't worry about that, I'll sort it".
OP: "fab, thank you very much."

Original poster
ivegotthisyeah · 29/09/2022 20:22

@CantFindTheBeat thanks that what I would of liked to happen I did turn round and sat exactly that I can't afford it with energy and mortgages increases and my priority is keeping my house not holidays

OP posts:
MRSE20 · 29/09/2022 20:23

@ivegotthisyeah Have you spoken to your partner about this and what did he say?

Original poster
ivegotthisyeah · 29/09/2022 20:23

My house that he will be moving into!! I getting peed again 😂🤦🏽‍♀️

OP posts:
CantFindTheBeat · 29/09/2022 20:24

I'm not surprised, OP, I would have said the same.

That's shit. I bet it's made you see him a little bit differently ☹️

Equity of generosity in a relationship is such an important and attractive quality.

Original poster
ivegotthisyeah · 29/09/2022 20:24

@MRSE20 after he announced it , it got left then last night announced his mate had booked it for him and my partner - I burst into tears not because I'm jealous but because of the lack of thought for me

OP posts:
WallaceinAnderland · 29/09/2022 20:24

I would not expect my boyfriend to sub me and if it was the other way around, I would not expect to sub my boyfriend going to my friends wedding.

Hearthnhome · 29/09/2022 20:25

ivegotthisyeah · 29/09/2022 20:23

My house that he will be moving into!! I getting peed again 😂🤦🏽‍♀️

Yes your house that he will be paying towards while it remains your asset? Unless you get married. Moving in together will be mutually beneficial. It’s not just you doing him a favour, I hope.

sounds like you are saying you don’t want him there unless he takes you on holiday.

CantFindTheBeat · 29/09/2022 20:27

WallaceinAnderland · 29/09/2022 20:24

I would not expect my boyfriend to sub me and if it was the other way around, I would not expect to sub my boyfriend going to my friends wedding.

You need a better boyfriend,

MRSE20 · 29/09/2022 20:27

@ivegotthisyeah I get why you feel like this then. Could you ring him or text him and tell him that you of course wouldn’t stop him doing anything he wanted to do but feel a bit hurt that he is going without you

Original poster
ivegotthisyeah · 29/09/2022 20:28

@Hearthnhome hardly when he will be on the mortgage have and have an investment in it!! Before anyone says yes my equity will be ring fenced and drawn up. I feel like he's the lucky one to come into my mortgage and have an investment - it's taken me a lot to do this after I worked hard to have this house

OP posts:
Calphurnia88 · 29/09/2022 20:28

I can see why you're disappointed, but I wouldn't take it to heart.

Thinking back to before DP and I lived together/had a child... If I couldn't have afforded to go to a wedding abroad with him then he wouldn't have covered my costs, he would've just gone without me (and I wouldn't have been too bothered if it was one of his friends, I would probably have made plans with my own friends or relished the opportunity for some alone time). Saying that... If you are keen to go, can you suggest he cover your costs and you pay him back?

Not sure why you're getting a hard time referring to him as your partner. I've no idea how old you are, but once you're past a certain age boyfriend/girlfriend can sound a bit immature. Also you've been together for two years, so it's not like this is a new relationship...

Original poster
ivegotthisyeah · 29/09/2022 20:31

@Calphurnia88 I am in the older bracket 40's! So yes he's a partner! Guess I am just gutted and with my kids being away ( with their own dad) at the same time a rare opportunity with nothing stopping me but finances because i have responsibilities

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 29/09/2022 20:34

My house that he will be moving into

What discussions have you had about how finances will be shared when/ if you move in together ?

Paq · 29/09/2022 20:34

ivegotthisyeah · 29/09/2022 20:28

@Hearthnhome hardly when he will be on the mortgage have and have an investment in it!! Before anyone says yes my equity will be ring fenced and drawn up. I feel like he's the lucky one to come into my mortgage and have an investment - it's taken me a lot to do this after I worked hard to have this house

Ignoring the wedding for now, have you had a proper conversation about finances once he moves in? How are you protecting your home should the relationship go south?

Hearthnhome · 29/09/2022 20:34

ivegotthisyeah · 29/09/2022 20:28

@Hearthnhome hardly when he will be on the mortgage have and have an investment in it!! Before anyone says yes my equity will be ring fenced and drawn up. I feel like he's the lucky one to come into my mortgage and have an investment - it's taken me a lot to do this after I worked hard to have this house

So he will be investing….reducing the mortgage amount and sharing (or paying more of) the payment. And your original investment is ring fenced

No idea why you made the comment about how it’s your house then. It will be a joint house, you won’t be losing you will both be gaining.

But you are now annoyed by this because he won’t pay for a holiday for you.