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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner going to a wedding without me

186 replies

ivegotthisyeah · 29/09/2022 18:28

I'll keep it brief and to the point.
if you were invited to a wedding abroad and you couldn't afford it but your partner could ( together just shy of 2 years) one has no money issues no mortgage good job other has mortgage, much lower income and responsibilities to pay for, would you expect partner to pay for other one?
Would you be pissed off if they didn't and booked it without you? It's the better off partners friends wedding

OP posts:
ColdCoughSplutter · 29/09/2022 20:34

It doesn’t sound like a great or very fair relationship , he sounds uncaring. Initially, I was better paid with a house, that we shared, then of course, his wages took off, and mine didn’t, but we pool money, and everything is shared.

Dont move into a life of such inequality, it will be no life for you.

Calphurnia88 · 29/09/2022 20:34

Hmmm... Is this something your partner could easily afford to do, as in if he covered your costs he wouldn't be making financial sacrifices elsewhere?

PreferAnimals · 29/09/2022 20:35

It's difficult. I understand how you feel, but a wedding abroad might be quite costly. I guess you want him to pay so you feel cared for and that he thinks you're worth it and to be there and enjoy the wedding with him like all the other couples- I'd be the same. I guess the other couples situations may be different though - they may be married/have joint finances or are able to pay for themselves. It might have been nice if he say offered to help out a little bit, perhaps paid for flights so that you could go, but it's not really his responsibility to pay for you per se.
If he hasn't 'offered' I certainly wouldn't want him to under duress because i went smacked arse, Id rather not go.
This is what being in a relationship is all about. Seeing if you're on the same page. Don't listen to what they say, watch their actions and how they treat you .

ShandaLear · 29/09/2022 20:35

God, no. He probably doesn’t even want you to go, not because he doesn’t love you or anything, but because he’ll be going with a load of mates he’s known for years or something. It sounds like a lads holiday with a wedding in the middle of it. And it’s probably stupidly expensive- if he goes with his friend they split the cost instead of having to spend potentially a couple of grand on you.

Ramsbottom · 29/09/2022 20:35

ivegotthisyeah · 29/09/2022 20:24

@MRSE20 after he announced it , it got left then last night announced his mate had booked it for him and my partner - I burst into tears not because I'm jealous but because of the lack of thought for me

No you didn’t start crying did you?

Original poster
ivegotthisyeah · 29/09/2022 20:37

@Hearthnhome because at the moment it is my house?

OP posts:
Original poster
ivegotthisyeah · 29/09/2022 20:39

@FinallyHere finances will be split in proportion to each of our wages

OP posts:
Aconitum · 29/09/2022 20:40

Have to say OP I would be seriously pissed off with this but I don't see how you are going to resolve it, unless you point out that you could start charging him for the amount of time he spends at your house then you wouldn't be so strapped and could afford to pay for yourself.
I would be having serious reservations about him if he can't see how 'off' this is.

Hearthnhome · 29/09/2022 20:40

ivegotthisyeah · 29/09/2022 20:37

@Hearthnhome because at the moment it is my house?

And when he moves in, because you have decided (together) to live into your house together, you will also benefit.

So what point were you making when you said ‘he is moving into my house’?

Original poster
ivegotthisyeah · 29/09/2022 20:42

@Aconitum he is generous in other ways pays for dinner weekends away etc so I see it as fair in that way that when at mine I pay

OP posts:
Original poster
ivegotthisyeah · 29/09/2022 20:45

Calphurnia88 · 29/09/2022 20:34

Hmmm... Is this something your partner could easily afford to do, as in if he covered your costs he wouldn't be making financial sacrifices elsewhere?

💯

OP posts:
Workinghardeveryday · 29/09/2022 20:47

@ivegotthisyeah please could you explain so I understand:
how often is he at yours? A couple of nights or more or less living there?
if he is there a lot does he contribute to household bills?

this is important as it is costing you money on water/food/electric.

J0y · 29/09/2022 20:48

It doesn't sound promising. If he wanted you there he would pay for you surely.
I think he would rather go alone. That doesn't look like he's proud to be going out with you or at all afraid of losing you (due to being mean, going on his own)

KhaleesiDothraki · 29/09/2022 20:52

This reply has been deleted

Previously banned poster - this has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

OopsUpsideYerEad · 29/09/2022 20:54

It's a shame some people are giving you a hard time, i totally get where you're coming from. Every partner I've had would have asked me to attend with them. I went to America for a wedding with one and to Poland for a wedding with another. We were equals. Bit crap that he doesn't see you that way and I'm sorry you feel left out Flowers

OopsUpsideYerEad · 29/09/2022 20:55

(And we weren't living together at the time)

Berlinlover · 29/09/2022 20:56

I’m 46 and my partner is 67. We are together nearly two years and don’t live together. Calling ourselves boyfriend and girlfriend would be ridiculous at our age.

Workinghardeveryday · 29/09/2022 20:57

OopsUpsideYerEad · 29/09/2022 20:54

It's a shame some people are giving you a hard time, i totally get where you're coming from. Every partner I've had would have asked me to attend with them. I went to America for a wedding with one and to Poland for a wedding with another. We were equals. Bit crap that he doesn't see you that way and I'm sorry you feel left out Flowers

I totally agree.

somet on mn it’s like people are nasty for the sake of it…

Workinghardeveryday · 29/09/2022 20:59

J0y · 29/09/2022 20:48

It doesn't sound promising. If he wanted you there he would pay for you surely.
I think he would rather go alone. That doesn't look like he's proud to be going out with you or at all afraid of losing you (due to being mean, going on his own)

Or having a boys holiday.. fuck all to do with how he feels about being seen with op!

Calphurnia88 · 29/09/2022 21:09

ivegotthisyeah · 29/09/2022 20:45

💯

Show quote history

Eh. I can see why you're disappointed he hasn't offered then.

Finances aside... If the groom is your partner's friend, is it possible that he just wants to have a piss up with the lads for a couple of nights? Will he have other friends there who will be attending alone or is everyone else bringing partners with them?

CantFindTheBeat · 29/09/2022 21:12

Agreed, @Workinghardeveryday

This place is just nasty sometimes.

Only the very young & very old have boyfriends & girlfriends, in my book.

Original poster
ivegotthisyeah · 29/09/2022 21:18

@Calphurnia88 I imagine it would be mainly couples I know of one wife that isn't going but that's her choice, and to be honest I haven't given him the satisfaction of asking who is going

OP posts:
WallaceinAnderland · 29/09/2022 21:19

CantFindTheBeat · 29/09/2022 20:27

You need a better boyfriend,

Show quote history

Nah, my boyfriend has been my husband for many years now but the point I am making is in relation to OPs situation.

BatsAtDawn · 29/09/2022 21:20

Have you discussed finances for when he moves in?

To add to my previous comment, I wouldn't expect it if we had separate households and finances but it would be a red flag if we lived together and one of us was struggling whilst the other watched.

SleeplessInEngland · 29/09/2022 21:21

Nah, I think he’s fine to go on his own.

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