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AIBU?

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Original poster

Partner going to a wedding without me

186 replies

ivegotthisyeah · 29/09/2022 18:28

I'll keep it brief and to the point.
if you were invited to a wedding abroad and you couldn't afford it but your partner could ( together just shy of 2 years) one has no money issues no mortgage good job other has mortgage, much lower income and responsibilities to pay for, would you expect partner to pay for other one?
Would you be pissed off if they didn't and booked it without you? It's the better off partners friends wedding

OP posts:
HollyJollyXmas57 · 29/09/2022 21:22

You are bf/gf
you don’t live together and have separate finances.
I don’t think he’s in the wrong

SleepingStandingUp · 29/09/2022 21:24

Tbh it's his mates wedding, you don't live together, no being dumped with the shared kids, I think it's fine to go alone.

Butterflyfluff · 29/09/2022 21:27

Brieeeeeeeee · 29/09/2022 19:03

I’m the higher earner and definitely wouldn’t pay for DH to go to my mate’s wedding. A proper mutual friend, we’d use mutual funds if possible.

Is it only me that thinks this is just weird for a married couple?

Workinghardeveryday · 29/09/2022 21:31

SleepingStandingUp · 29/09/2022 21:24

Tbh it's his mates wedding, you don't live together, no being dumped with the shared kids, I think it's fine to go alone.

Even though he is usually at hers paying no bills? And on a good wage?

SleepingStandingUp · 29/09/2022 21:33

Op did you say to him I can't afford it, but if you book it for us both I'll pay you my half back? Or just said to u can't afford it and then cried?

billy1966 · 29/09/2022 21:34

OP,

He spends a lot of time at your house but wouldn't ask you.

I would not be impressed at all.

Are you too accommodating?

I would think long and hard before I would give someone like that a share in my house.

Let him pay you rent.

Is he keeping his own home?

If he is, you are being very foolish.

That is your childrens home.
No way would I give up equity which if things don't work out would be a shit show.

To a man who will go off to a wedding when you are free to join him?

Not a chance.

Sounds like you are definitely doing all the running.

Stop.

SleepingStandingUp · 29/09/2022 21:37

Workinghardeveryday · 29/09/2022 21:31

Even though he is usually at hers paying no bills? And on a good wage?

Show quote history

It's a separate issue. If she's unhappy with that, address it. Def address it before he moves in.

Calphurnia88 · 29/09/2022 21:38

ivegotthisyeah · 29/09/2022 21:18

@Calphurnia88 I imagine it would be mainly couples I know of one wife that isn't going but that's her choice, and to be honest I haven't given him the satisfaction of asking who is going

If he can easily afford to cover your costs without having to make financial sacrifices elsewhere then either... 1. He thinks covering the cost of a holiday for you is excessive (it sounds like he is otherwise generous with his money, so not a case of being tight), 2. He wants a lads weekend, or 3. He doesn't want you there for some other reason. I suspect 2, especially if you say you know one wife who isn't going.

None of us know you or your partner, or your relationship, so I don't think any of us can say for sure why he's not offered to cover your costs. If it's bothering you that much, I really think you need to tell your partner, otherwise this is going to become a much bigger thing than it needs to be.

Annoyingkidsmusic · 29/09/2022 21:43

No. And tbh, to even consider having him pay for you, just sounds grabby.

Penguinsaregreat · 29/09/2022 21:46

I think the fact this will be his third holiday without you, you are available , and it’s a wedding not a stag do, makes him unreasonable.
I would be evaluating my relationship.

Ramsbottom · 29/09/2022 21:48

Penguinsaregreat · 29/09/2022 21:46

I think the fact this will be his third holiday without you, you are available , and it’s a wedding not a stag do, makes him unreasonable.
I would be evaluating my relationship.

No shit, how grabby 😂

user1471457751 · 29/09/2022 21:55

@Workinghardeveryday but he's paying for dinners out, weekends away and other treats, it's not like he's paying nothing. And given the OP has kids isn't it more likely that she needs him to come to hers and can't spend as much time as his? I don't see how that's his fault.

@billy1966 the OP has already said that they will be paying mortgage and bills in proportion to income. So she will already be benefitting financially from him moving in as he will be paying more than half despite the fact its just him and she has kids. He will be subsiding her. And she's not just giving him a share of her home (given she has ringfenced her deposit - which is absolutely the right thing to do). He is buying it via paying the mortgage.

HyggeandTea · 29/09/2022 21:55

So where do you go from here?

Are you going to talk to him about it and if so, what do you need him to say?

If it is bothering you, it can't be left festering away, especially if you two are in it for the long haul. So either accept it and wish him a good holiday, or talk.

Azerothi · 29/09/2022 21:55

One of the things with calling him your partner is that it feels like you are much more invested in the relationship than he is. I bet you spend far more on him than he does on you because he sees you as a girlfriend and you see him as a partner that you don't want to live with.

Lou98 · 29/09/2022 21:56

Does he know you want to go it's just money that's stopping you?
I know you've said you told him you couldn't afford it but you've also said you've not asked who's going etc so he may think you're not interested?

If you really want to go, you'll need to ask him about it and tell him that you would really have liked to go.
I assume you are definitely invited?

I personally wouldn't be pissed off if he went without me, at the end of the day, it's his friend that's getting married.
If it was a wedding in the UK and he was going alone would you be as bothered or is it because he's going abroad without you?

Only you know your Partner and if you're this bothered about going and are going to be pissed off at him if you don't get to go, you need to talk to him.
It wouldn't be fair to not mention it at all but then get mad at him for going anyway

Lou98 · 29/09/2022 21:58

@Azerothi the OP has already said he pays for dinners, weekends away, treats etc so doesn't sound like she spends more on him than the other way around

Calphurnia88 · 29/09/2022 22:01

Azerothi · 29/09/2022 21:55

One of the things with calling him your partner is that it feels like you are much more invested in the relationship than he is. I bet you spend far more on him than he does on you because he sees you as a girlfriend and you see him as a partner that you don't want to live with.

OP has said they're moving in together next year.

Heyahun · 29/09/2022 22:06

I’m married and have just attended my sisters wedding abroad alone without my husband - I left him behind with our daughter ! We often go to weddings separately actually - always have its not something that bothers me and I wouldn’t even think to be annoyed a or something like this

you can’t afford to go that’s your problem not his

Workinghardeveryday · 29/09/2022 22:23

user1471457751 · 29/09/2022 21:55

@Workinghardeveryday but he's paying for dinners out, weekends away and other treats, it's not like he's paying nothing. And given the OP has kids isn't it more likely that she needs him to come to hers and can't spend as much time as his? I don't see how that's his fault.

@billy1966 the OP has already said that they will be paying mortgage and bills in proportion to income. So she will already be benefitting financially from him moving in as he will be paying more than half despite the fact its just him and she has kids. He will be subsiding her. And she's not just giving him a share of her home (given she has ringfenced her deposit - which is absolutely the right thing to do). He is buying it via paying the mortgage.

But he is benefiting from all the things he is paying for!

Would you more or less live with someone, not pay any bills even though on a good wage and partner not, have 3 hols and not pay for partner to go on this hol?

i think it’s cheeky af!!

Rowen32 · 29/09/2022 22:48

Wouldn't expect him to pay for me in the slightest and would be mortified if he felt like he had to or should have considered paying for me..

Itloggedmeoutagain · 29/09/2022 22:54

The fact that it's a third wedding is irrelevant. It didn't need to be mentioned.
No I wouldn't expect him to pay for me. I pay my own way

Jalepenojello · 29/09/2022 23:00

not living together, not sharing finances… I assume you’re doing this for a reason so no I would not expect them to finance me

Ragwort · 30/09/2022 08:31

I think you need to seriously think about whether you want this guy to move in with you and share finances ... it really doesn't sound as though you are on the same page. There will be other issues in the future where your income disparity has a huge effect, much more than whether or not he pays for you to go to his mate's wedding. This is your DC's future... why does he need to move in?

LuaDipa · 30/09/2022 08:36

Ragwort · 30/09/2022 08:31

I think you need to seriously think about whether you want this guy to move in with you and share finances ... it really doesn't sound as though you are on the same page. There will be other issues in the future where your income disparity has a huge effect, much more than whether or not he pays for you to go to his mate's wedding. This is your DC's future... why does he need to move in?

This.

I think I’d be closer to separating than consolidating the relationship at this point. You are not his priority so he should no longer be yours.

billy1966 · 30/09/2022 10:08

This is her childrens home.

Why is she moving him in and allowing him to get involved in her morgage?

Pure stupidity, putting her and her childrens home at risk if things fail.

Madness.

He is benefitting from her home.

3 holidays on his own and he's now going to buy into her home.

You are foolish OP, to risk your home on him.

If he moves in, he could pay you RENT and have NOTHING to do with your mortgage.

You will not be acting in your childrens best interests by allowing him to get involved in the finances of your home.

If he really cared about you he would have wanted you at that wedding.

He's suiting himself and you need to wake up to it.