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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband wants to take time off to meet my friend.....it this reasonable?

307 replies

Suzi69 · 29/09/2022 14:22

Me and my husband have a couple of what I thought were really good old friends. We've been on holiday with them and their kids when the children were younger, and all enjoyed it.
Last holiday though, pre-covid, I wasn't so happy as I felt DH was paying my female friend a lot of attention; I felt a little put out and excluded.
Fast forward a few years and my friend comes to stay the night about once a year; she lives about 5 hours from my house but she makes a bit of a detour on the way back from visiting her parents; I think she goes about an hour and a half out of her way.
This was nice the first couple of times she did it but I noticed that she was eager to check if DH was there first; he wasn't as he travels a lot. So last time he was at home and oh my goodness she was extremely pleased to see him; positioned herself so she was only facing him while chatting, thus excluding me, asked very in-depth questions about how he's been the last couple of years; I felt quite uncomfortable about it, it was too personal and I was not really a part of a lot of it.

Now she plans to come again in a couple of months and DH is contemplating taking a days holiday while she's here!
I feel quite angry about this as I feel that any holiday he plans to take should be spent with me and our children. I feel as if he's poaching my friend. I'm also suspicious about the relationship; it's platonic and he obviously gets on with her but is it really reasonable for my husband to take a days vacation to be with my friend? ( and me, admittedly).
I'm a bit uncertain as to whether I should just drop her as a friend; I don't really want to do this as we've been friends for more than then years. But I don't like the way she's behaving.
I'd appreciate your thoughts before I speak to him.

OP posts:
YellowTreeHouse · 29/09/2022 14:24

YANBU. She isn’t your friend - friends wouldn’t do that.

Sirzy · 29/09/2022 14:26

if He was taking time off to sneak of with her behind your back I would understand but wanting to spend time with a friend with you there too I couldn’t get annoyed about.

Teenyliving · 29/09/2022 14:26

Is she just your friend though or a « shared » friend?

LadyDanburysHat · 29/09/2022 14:27

I think her visit should be cancelled.

Birdy1066 · 29/09/2022 14:29

Knock it on the head or you’re in for a lot of grief. This happened to me with my ex husband until I walked in from the kitchen and found him standing by my best friend stroking her hair. It explained a lot. Your friend is a shit and your husband is too. Ignore this at your peril.

LivingMyBestLie · 29/09/2022 14:30

What happens when she asks to stay when he's not there? Would she come anyway?

Does she have a partner?

HebeSunshine · 29/09/2022 14:31

Sod that. Text her and say something's come up and she won't be able to come.

Suzi69 · 29/09/2022 14:32

She was my friend initially; I knew her for a long time before DH, mainly chatted at the school drop off.

OP posts:
Suzi69 · 29/09/2022 14:34

LivingMyBestLie · 29/09/2022 14:30

What happens when she asks to stay when he's not there? Would she come anyway?

Does she have a partner?

She does come anyway, to be fair, but I've got the definite feeling that she's disappointed he's not there. When she contacts me to say she's passing by she has not idea if he'll be there or not; it would be pretty strange if she then chose not to come.

OP posts:
StopStartStop · 29/09/2022 14:35

She's not a friend. Cut contact with her.
Your DH should cut contact with her too. Explain that to him. Then watch.
Start working out how to live without him because
a) He might come right - then you have a back-up plan you don't need to use
b) He might pretend to comply but secretly stay in touch with this girlfriend he's found
c) He might decide he's entitled to form/maintain relationships with women other than yourself.

Acheyknees · 29/09/2022 14:35

If its making you uncomfortable, I would cancel it. I can't imagine my DP taking a day off if my friend was coming to visit me.
Could you arrange to meet her in a town on her route home for lunch and shopping?

Suzi69 · 29/09/2022 14:36

She's married with two children, her children are the same ages as mine. Her husband is never with her because they they live a very long way from her parents so she usually visits them by herself.

OP posts:
Suzi69 · 29/09/2022 14:39

HebeSunshine · 29/09/2022 14:31

Sod that. Text her and say something's come up and she won't be able to come.

I'm thinking of doing exactly this and telling DH it's unacceptable to want to spend his vacation with her. But obviously then ultimately I'll lose a very good longstanding friend and she probably won't understand why as I've never commented on her behavior. She probably doesn't realize that I'm upset by their closeness and she won't know that DH has thought about using a vacation day.

OP posts:
Midnights · 29/09/2022 14:41

I'm confused - are you also going to be off when she's here? You've put (and me admittedly) so are you on AL too, and he's taking the time off so you can all spend time together as adults?

Suzi69 · 29/09/2022 14:43

StopStartStop · 29/09/2022 14:35

She's not a friend. Cut contact with her.
Your DH should cut contact with her too. Explain that to him. Then watch.
Start working out how to live without him because
a) He might come right - then you have a back-up plan you don't need to use
b) He might pretend to comply but secretly stay in touch with this girlfriend he's found
c) He might decide he's entitled to form/maintain relationships with women other than yourself.

Point c is the crux of it; is your husband entitled to form a relationship with another woman like this? I'm certain it's platonic. I don't know if I'm being unreasonable; if he gets on with her then banning him from seeing her is a big step. If he's banned from seeing her then I am too as I don't really have any other means of seeing her; she lives too far away to meet somewhere.

OP posts:
StopStartStop · 29/09/2022 14:43

Would you know if you were coming on to a friend's husband? If you were excited to see him?

She knows.

YouAreNotBatman · 29/09/2022 14:44

Why you have to cut her off.
Her only ”crime” has been facing him when you all met?

I guess she wasn’t that important to you.

And also, are tou sure all this is actually happening?
I know many women have high opinions of their men, but most of us aren’t really seeing what you are.
Okey you hubby want to take a vacation day, but nothing else has really happened.

idonotmind · 29/09/2022 14:44

I'm certain it's platonic.


IT'S NOT

StopStartStop · 29/09/2022 14:45

On point C) - my husband formed a relationship with another woman. I divorced him. I was glad of the excuse.

My boundaries are very clear now. I don't need a husband, but I do need my peace of mind and my self-respect.

BlackandJello · 29/09/2022 14:45

Maybe she just gets on better with your DH than you? My DH has female friends and this wouldn't bother me tbh.

Suzi69 · 29/09/2022 14:45

Midnights · 29/09/2022 14:41

I'm confused - are you also going to be off when she's here? You've put (and me admittedly) so are you on AL too, and he's taking the time off so you can all spend time together as adults?

I work very flexible hours so yes I'd be there as well without any need for taking time off. He wants to be there for the day when she's at our house.

OP posts:
MarianneOnAMotorcycle · 29/09/2022 14:46

Could you turn it into a shared joke between you and your friend — the fact that your husband appears to have some kind of schoolboy crush on her? It might make him feel foolish enough to cease and desist and/or put her off being so friendly towards him.

WallaceinAnderland · 29/09/2022 14:46

I would phase out this friendship. Who needs the stress.

Backtonormalnow · 29/09/2022 14:48

I would just cancel the visit and make an excuse.

YouAreNotBatman · 29/09/2022 14:49

WallaceinAnderland · 29/09/2022 14:46

I would phase out this friendship. Who needs the stress.

But she hasn’t done anything!

If there is something going on, it’s a husband problem.