Husband wants to take time off to meet my friend.....it this reasonable?

[Suzi69]

Me and my husband have a couple of what I thought were really good old friends. We've been on holiday with them and their kids when the children were younger, and all enjoyed it.
Last holiday though, pre-covid, I wasn't so happy as I felt DH was paying my female friend a lot of attention; I felt a little put out and excluded.
Fast forward a few years and my friend comes to stay the night about once a year; she lives about 5 hours from my house but she makes a bit of a detour on the way back from visiting her parents; I think she goes about an hour and a half out of her way.
This was nice the first couple of times she did it but I noticed that she was eager to check if DH was there first; he wasn't as he travels a lot. So last time he was at home and oh my goodness she was extremely pleased to see him; positioned herself so she was only facing him while chatting, thus excluding me, asked very in-depth questions about how he's been the last couple of years; I felt quite uncomfortable about it, it was too personal and I was not really a part of a lot of it.

Now she plans to come again in a couple of months and DH is contemplating taking a days holiday while she's here!
I feel quite angry about this as I feel that any holiday he plans to take should be spent with me and our children. I feel as if he's poaching my friend. I'm also suspicious about the relationship; it's platonic and he obviously gets on with her but is it really reasonable for my husband to take a days vacation to be with my friend? ( and me, admittedly).
I'm a bit uncertain as to whether I should just drop her as a friend; I don't really want to do this as we've been friends for more than then years. But I don't like the way she's behaving.
I'd appreciate your thoughts before I speak to him.

There's nothing wrong with men and women being friends. Usually we see these friendships as normal and platonic. However, if OP is getting vibes I think she should trust her gut.

None of us know, we weren't there. OP is saying that the way her friend behaves around her husband makes her uncomfortable and I think we have to accept that, even if we believe we would feel differently.

Most of us know the difference between and friendly friend and an overinterested friend.

Yes thank you I'm glad in some ways that he mentioned the possible day off because without that I didn't have anything concrete to explain why I wasn't happy. It very much does ring alarm bells.
I'm very sad to think that she isn't a true friend but you're right I need to say to DH that I don't find the situation acceptable.
I wonder if she will realize why she isn't welcome any more though.

There's an affair brewing here.

@Suzi69 Ditch this friend, and then dump your useless philandering husband. You deserve better.

Lol are you SERIOUS?! 😂

An old saying on here is that if it doesn't feel right then it's probably not. Trust your gut.

If I was you, I would tell your DH that you don't like the atmosphere and the body language that he and this friend have shown eachother. Tell him how uncomfortable it makes you.

I personally would not have her back in the house. It's up to you whether you still see her but I would make it clear to your DH that you don't want him to see her anymore as it's been inappropriate.

I'm not sure I could still see her if I was you anyway. A friend should not show attraction to your partner!

If it's only once a year that your friend visits maybe you can suggest that her DH and DC also come along.
Friend can still see her family, maybe her family would like to see them all to.
Then if you don't have room at yours to accommodate them they/you all could find somewhere inbetween that can accommodate you all and have a mini holiday meet up like before.

Her move - paying him lots of attention to check his response
His move - he didn't bother to include you and she will have clocked that
Her move - she's coming back
His move - he's booking leave.

They are playing a courting game in my opinion. The heat would be on at this next visit.

I would cancel the friend and tell DH she cancelled. Then suggest you have a day with family instead. Reasons - he might reveal that he's in contact with her and also might reveal that he doesn't want to have a family day. Both would indicate he is invested too. Or, he might just say, that's a shame but let's make the most of the day off together, which would indicate that he's a good 'un.

No I haven't yet but I'm going to speak to him. I didn't say anything when he mentioned the vacation day because I actually felt quite shocked that he'd take time off to see her. His vacation time is very valuable; he doesn't get a lot.
No she definitely isn't like that with everyone; she isn't like that with her own husband.

My now ex best friend was like this with my DH flirty and always having little chats together they ended up having an affair

I think a few people have missed the point. She isn't just asking normal friendly questions. She is asking them while outright flirting with him.

And it sounds like OPs DH is loving it. So much that he wants to take a day off work when she visits. Its pretty clear they fancy each other. And neither seem to be hiding that fact from OP.

A real friend would not flirt with her mates husband however much she fancied him. And a respectful husband would not entertain it, even if he liked it! A respectful husband would be distancing himself from that, not booking days off work to put himself in that exact position.

Shes flirting, Hes enjoying it.

OP, if you want to maintain a friendship with this woman, I'd be keeping your DH well out of the way. And I'd be doing that by telling him exactly what you've put here. That she flirts and he laps it up like a love sick puppy. And so you do not want him to take the day off if she comes to visit, as its ridiculous for him to do so.

I'd also be wondering if they are in touch via social media or something aswell. I bet shes his FB friend and hes been liking the crap out of her posts.

Sounds very suspicious to me.
Usually as soon as I announce a female friend coming over he suddenly remembers an important game of golf and is out of the house like a cat with its tail on fire

YABU to think that all his holiday belongs to you and the dc but other than that YANBU. I'd cancel the visit or at the very least ensure I was around all the time.

SummerWhisper has it bang on. This is how affairs start - it's like a game of dare, with everyone constantly testing the water to see how far they can push things, and what the other party does in return.

I'd definitely also try WallaceinAnderland's plan and do some sleuthing.

Good point re gut instinct and that's exactly right re atmosphere and body language... I've felt extremely excluded and uncomfortable in my own house. I should add that me and DH have been married a long time; more than 20 years, and I've never had a situation like this before.
I don't want her back in the house but will still see her occasionally in the future as there are events eg weddings that we'll both go to. I'm not looking forward to that as I do feel annoyed about her behavior and I'm sure it will be exactly the same when we next see each other, even it it's in a few years time.

You need to trust your instincts. My dad is now married to my mum's 'best friend' - they were married for over 30 years and it still happened. I could see it happening too, much like you're describing as it was the attention she paid to him and how attentive she was when he spoke etc etc but when I mentioned this to my mum at the time, she brushed me off saying she wasn't worried as nothing would happen on either side. Lo and behold, they've been married about 10 years now - anyway, trust your instincts!!!

Are you sure this is not more your husband and she is just being kind. What is her marriage like? I think Men and Women can be friends but saying that I distanced myself from a friend's husband as we had our job in common that he'd talk to me about but he stepped over a few lines things like putting my DH down by suggesting he was working too many hours and he bought and delivered a bottle of wine and left it outside my door when DH was working away. I'm friendly and smiley but not flirty and I have a strong marriage so it most certainly wasn't two way. Are you sure it is 2 way?

My husband would rather clean the oven than sit and chat to my friends just the 3 of us.
Trust your gut.

I had a thread up here one day about two years ago titled I don't like how my friend is with my DH or something along those lines.

I hated the boundary crossing territorial behaviour and was utterly confused if I had any right to phase her out. (Btw, I got a landslide response to eject her - she was far worse than your friend).

Anyway now from the relaxed perspective of hindsight I'm kind of perplexed at my previous angst. I stopped inviting my friend to hang out with us as a couple and DH never went to her house to do DIY again.

You don't have to make any accusation but simply consider if you will enjoy her visit. It sounds like you won't so cancel it with an excuse.

How about being there and ensuring they both realise you are aware of how they are behaving. If she positions herself so she only sees him, say, 'Hello? I'm here too!' Or 'Have I turned invisible? You two are behaving like a pair of long lost lovers.' Or invite her over, go out for a walk with her on arrival and say, 'I have started to feel really uncomfortable about how you and DH behave together. You flirt. Are you aware of this? You gaze at him, exclusively devote your questions to him. You ignore me. It's making me dread your visits and question our friendship.' You could have a similar conversation with DH beforehand too. Call it out.

she asked loads of questions about his travel, where he'd stayed, how his job was going.... I found the level of detail quite invasive.

Aren't these pretty typical questions to ask a friend? I wouldn't say they were too personal. I kinda think it's all in your head. She lives 5 hours away, is married and only ever sees you and your husband like once a year. Is it possible to have friends of the opposite sex without being accused of having an ulterior motive?

Cancel the visit and tell your DH why. If they are already 'glog banting' you have nothing to lose. Keep your self respect.

My Dh can't be doing with my friend's being around. I don't mean that in a bad way, just 'I'll leave you lot to chat what ever you are chatting about' and then goes off and does his thing. He likes my friends but he certainly wouldn't be taking a day off to be with them unless it was a planned event like a gig or a group outing or something.
If a friend is making you uncomfortable and ignoring you for his attention I would not be happy. I would cancel the visit and say something has come up and not tell DH just yet. I would see what his reaction is when he eventually asks what the plans are.

I have a friend that does this too. It’s not intentional and she’s like it with any man that shows her attention. It’s because her own marriage has little intimacy, her own husband loves her but doesn’t shower her with affection and any attention is good attention. The chances of any affair is slim to nil. Unfortunately though, lots of men (and women) who are being spoken too and looked at like they are the most wonderful person in the world preen at the attention.

Don’t look at it too seriously but put some distance between yourselves if it makes you feel uncomfortable.

Whatever her motive, she is your friend, came into your home and sat with her back to you. She's burnt her bridges.