Husband wants to take time off to meet my friend.....it this reasonable?

[Suzi69]

Me and my husband have a couple of what I thought were really good old friends. We've been on holiday with them and their kids when the children were younger, and all enjoyed it.
Last holiday though, pre-covid, I wasn't so happy as I felt DH was paying my female friend a lot of attention; I felt a little put out and excluded.
Fast forward a few years and my friend comes to stay the night about once a year; she lives about 5 hours from my house but she makes a bit of a detour on the way back from visiting her parents; I think she goes about an hour and a half out of her way.
This was nice the first couple of times she did it but I noticed that she was eager to check if DH was there first; he wasn't as he travels a lot. So last time he was at home and oh my goodness she was extremely pleased to see him; positioned herself so she was only facing him while chatting, thus excluding me, asked very in-depth questions about how he's been the last couple of years; I felt quite uncomfortable about it, it was too personal and I was not really a part of a lot of it.

Now she plans to come again in a couple of months and DH is contemplating taking a days holiday while she's here!
I feel quite angry about this as I feel that any holiday he plans to take should be spent with me and our children. I feel as if he's poaching my friend. I'm also suspicious about the relationship; it's platonic and he obviously gets on with her but is it really reasonable for my husband to take a days vacation to be with my friend? ( and me, admittedly).
I'm a bit uncertain as to whether I should just drop her as a friend; I don't really want to do this as we've been friends for more than then years. But I don't like the way she's behaving.
I'd appreciate your thoughts before I speak to him.

YA definitely NBU!

But you def asked on the right side to feed any insecurities , Have people not read they live 5 hrs apart , see rach other once a year, all holidayed together so dh knows the friend
She asked about work and travel ??
Obviously you don't feel
Comfortable and thats fine but speak to your dh and you will have to tell your friend something in the end , if you will still see her

You should say to DH that it’s strange that he is taking a day off to see her when holiday time is scarce and that you would rather just have a catch up with her own your own as she is your friend. Also say that she has become flirty with other men of late and that it’s been noticed by others and you only noticed it in her behaviour with him last time. Make him think he isn’t uniquely special to her and then he might catch himself on a bit.

The "only me and his mum" but makes me question what kind of judgement you've actually got though. That's a pretty revealing thing to say

@OneTC yes and also comes over a bit controlling
I mean i have those conversations in the office with people and even people i have just met , etc
The OP dh has also known the friend years so maybe he considers her a friend too
OP says she viists once a year and dh isn't always there so last time she visited it may of been 2/3 years before so would be a lot to catch up on

I think it's irrelevant that you'll be there too, why should you have to spend the day feeling uncomfortable and watching them flirt with each other.

Exactly.

No, I've never cut off a friend before, it's not something I would do lightly. Especially not a long standing friend; although I don't see her that often she rings and messages much more frequently. I've felt as if I don't want to reciprocate recently though as I'm disappointed in her relationship with DH. DH has a well paid demanding job and she seemed to be full of admiration as well as wanting to know all the details. I found that annoying.

I think at some point our partners quite often develop a friendship in their own right with people who were originally our friends, especially when they have shared holidays etc together. I don’t understand how asking him about his work and travels is inappropriate or invasive, that’s exactly the sort of thing anyone would talk about with a friend they haven’t seen for years. It sounds like they genuinely get on and like each other so are pleased to see each other but you are reading so much more into it. I feel quite bad for your r friend who’s going to be dumped for no reason other than she asked an old friend questions about what’s he’s been up to and didn’t look at you whilst conversing with him.

Girrrlll! Don’t be letting that ho blush and titter your man! Get her gone before you come home and clock her trampoline on his dick.

I agree. I have female friends who will ask my DH about his work, what he's been up to, where he's travelled to lately etc. And I have male friends who I would ask those questions of too.

The questions you've listed are topics that friends discuss, certainly not things that only a wife or a mother should ask about. It's not like she's asking how his vasectomy went!

It's your call, but the fact that your judgement is off on that aspect makes me think you may well be seeing flirting where there is none.

I'm in two minds

You only see her once a year? They can hardly be ramping up to an affair if they only see each other every 12 months. Are they in any contact with each other apart from this?

I think I'd be speaking to my husband about this and telling him what I was uncomfortable with. Seems like the sensible thing to do

Especially not a long standing friend; although I don't see her that often she rings and messages much more frequently.

So pretty up to date with what's been going on in your life in the 3 years she hasn't spoken to your DH.

I'd be fairly pissed off if a very old friend of mine whom I saw infrequently concentrated exclusively on my DH on the few occasions we met up.
Yes, of course it's ok to ask him what he's been doing and where he's been going. But I'd also expect them to chat to me about what I'd been doing to a similar extent.
That doesn't seem to have happened here at all and it strikes me as extremely rude at least. Not to mention odd.

I'd force it to a head. Tell her shes welcome to come but you wont be there as you arent up to it for whatever reason (or make yourself busy) and tell him you arent up to it but if he still wants to meet her then he can. They would both be knowingly overstepping to arrange something between themselves and they would know it so I certainly wouldnt be facilitating their date.

If they meet anyway then id arrange a meet up as a foursome and casually drop it to HER DH that those two met up alone as you werent up to it and see how he reacts and if he knew.

I'd rather know sooner than later if they are feeling something than Clinton for years and be a mug.

The best course of action is to be open and honest about how you feel, first with your husband ‘last time we saw X, you/her doing this this and this made me feel a bit jealous and left out. I feel a bit hurt that you want to take a day off specially to see her when we haven’t done something special together for a while’ etc. If he cares about you, and there’s no reason to suspect that he doesn’t, he will react positively and be a bit more considerate.
Have any other posters actually recommended communicating with your husband? There’s nothing wrong with showing a bit of vulnerability sometimes!

This is a bit "devil's advocate" as I generally agree with the "trust your gut" sentiment, but --

Given the shared history, possibly your husband genuinely thinks of her as a family friend rather than as primarily your friend, and is treating her visit as he would if her husband and children came too. In which case it's not AS odd that he'd take a day off (although I saw that you said he rarely can get time off) and it might not occur to him that you would want to spend time alone with her (and vice versa). He also may not be making a conscious distinction between spending a day off with just family vs with family and an old family friend.

On the last visit, if the two of you had already spent some time together before your husband came home, they may both have thought you weren't interested in the conversation because you already knew what each of them had been doing. (Still rude, but maybe not as obviously rude to them as it was to you.) As for the flirting, you say it's uncharacteristic for her but as you're only seeing her once a year now there could be other factors at play (become more flirty in general, feeling insecure and overcompensating, restrains herself when her husband's around, etc.) Still rude, but maybe not targeted specifically at your husband and maybe not as intentional and obvious as it looks.

I do think talking with your husband is the right next step. You should be able to talk with each of them about behaviour that's making you uncomfortable. If they continue AFTER you say you're uncomfortable then I'd clearly fault them for that. It almost sounds like you've been avoiding these conversations when they should have sort of naturally occurred some time ago.

She’s not your friend, if you want to give your husband away let her come and stay!

It does seem very controlling to ban my friends visits; long term it would more or less sever DH's contact with her; not completely as we would meet at mutual friends parties etc. I'm definitely not a controlling person generally.

But I almost feel as it she's being banned for bad behavior. She wasn't just being polite; she's overstepped some boundaries in wanting to know every minute detail of his life and excluding me.

I'm pretty sure that he will be bothered if I decide she's not coming to my house again. And that bothers me.

A friend of ours, let her friend into the house, to help her out, as she needed somewhere to live.
Of course this woman then had an affair, and left with my poor friends husband.
Dont trust people. Not if you’re already wary.

Sound like they get on well. Would you have this problem if it was a male friend? Maybe you can ditch her as a friend and they can continue their friendship?

If you've been happily married for 20 years, I don't understand why you haven't had this conversation with your DH the last time she visited when it made you feel uncomfortable. It'd be the first thing I'd be talking about but not in an accusatory way, just asking him how he felt and explaining how I felt. It's what couples do - or should, anyway. I've actually been on the other side of this. I was "the friend" , all went on holidays together like you. It was years after I was suddenly dropped from what I thought was my best friend's life (I was her son's godmother) without a word of explanation that I learnt from a mutual friend that she thought her DH and I were having an affair. We weren't. I really liked him - he was a nice guy but I really loved her. It was horrible and still hurts. Please just talk to your husband and then talk to your friend if you need to. She might be another me.

I think they're a couple of slimy ratbags taking the piss. They fancy each other and would be at it given half the chance. She's excluding you in your own home. while she's a guest. If your husband didn't fancy her and you and your friend spent the visit on 'wimmin talk', your husband wouldn't be taking the day off, he'd probably be glad to be at work.

Where did you get the idea she is your friend
she clearly fancies your husband
and it looks like he fancies her back
id be dropping her like a hot potato,and making sure he did too

Do you honestly believe it's platonic?