Husband wants to take time off to meet my friend.....it this reasonable?

[Suzi69]

Me and my husband have a couple of what I thought were really good old friends. We've been on holiday with them and their kids when the children were younger, and all enjoyed it.
Last holiday though, pre-covid, I wasn't so happy as I felt DH was paying my female friend a lot of attention; I felt a little put out and excluded.
Fast forward a few years and my friend comes to stay the night about once a year; she lives about 5 hours from my house but she makes a bit of a detour on the way back from visiting her parents; I think she goes about an hour and a half out of her way.
This was nice the first couple of times she did it but I noticed that she was eager to check if DH was there first; he wasn't as he travels a lot. So last time he was at home and oh my goodness she was extremely pleased to see him; positioned herself so she was only facing him while chatting, thus excluding me, asked very in-depth questions about how he's been the last couple of years; I felt quite uncomfortable about it, it was too personal and I was not really a part of a lot of it.

Now she plans to come again in a couple of months and DH is contemplating taking a days holiday while she's here!
I feel quite angry about this as I feel that any holiday he plans to take should be spent with me and our children. I feel as if he's poaching my friend. I'm also suspicious about the relationship; it's platonic and he obviously gets on with her but is it really reasonable for my husband to take a days vacation to be with my friend? ( and me, admittedly).
I'm a bit uncertain as to whether I should just drop her as a friend; I don't really want to do this as we've been friends for more than then years. But I don't like the way she's behaving.
I'd appreciate your thoughts before I speak to him.

She faced him and talked just to him for a long time; leaving me out of it. I think that's rude.
She wanted to know all the details about his life since she last saw him; she asked loads of questions about his travel, where he'd stayed, how his job was going.... I found the level of detail quite invasive.
She made it very clear she's very interested in his life; I don't expect anyone to be like that other than me or his mum; I feel threatened by it.
I feel it's weird for him to want to take a holiday to see her.
You're right though that nothing has really happened; that's why I wondered what you all thought of it.

OP has explained that the way the friend interacts with her husband is making her uncomfortable. Therefore, the friend has done something. If the friend is attracted to the husband, she should not be acting on it. That's not friend, so I would feel happy in phasing her out and not give it another thought.

Are you confident they haven’t been talking behind your back? Social media or phones? Seems odd they would develop this connection over a few meetings.

You find it weird that a friend is interested in a friends life? I personally find it weird you find that weird!

I don’t get it. Why shouldn’t the three of you have a catch up? Seems like a nice thing to do with a longstanding friend.

What is it with mumsnet refusing to accept men and women can be friends without wanting to shag each other? Do you not have male mates who are just mates?

If your friend told you all of this what would you say ?

I think you’re being rather melodramatic. Isn’t what’s happening just that she’s becoming a joint friend, rather than just yours?

Dynamics in friendships can fluctuate harmlessly for entirely natural reasons — DH and I have a good friend who was originally much more DH’s friend than mine, but then a shared activity threw us together a lot without DH, and over the last six months I would say the balance has tipped and he’s now closer to me than to DH. No one is shagging anyone, or planning to. If anything, DH is pleased I have a new person who gets me. We certainly also have long-standing female friends who are now more DH’s friends than mine, in one case because she lives somewhere he goes for work, so sees her more often.

It’s a bit sad, isn’t it, that in adulthood it’s considered weird to be excited by making a new friend, even though it’s one of the nicest bits of life — there seems to be a supposition that the attraction must be sexual?

But then I think Mn has some deeply odd attitudes to friendships in general, anyway. I don’t recognise the assumptions that seem widespread on here that all friendships are fraught with drama, snubs and jockeying for position, that all men with women friends want to shag them etc.

Seems a bit weird to me - have they already planned this time together?

I'd knock it on the head without saying anything to DH

She made it very clear she's very interested in his life; I don't expect anyone to be like that other than me or his mum

Have to say, I find this weird. Isn't that what friends are like? I mean, you start by saying -

Me and my husband have a couple of what I thought were really good old friends. We've been on holiday with them and their kids when the children were younger, and all enjoyed it.

So she's your husband's friend, likes his company, is interested in his life. But that's not allowed for anyone except you and his mum. But you, presumably, have big long chats with her and other friends that aren't limited to trivialities. You're convinced it's platonic and she's married with DC, so what's the threat? That someone else finds your DH interesting to talk to? And the feeling's mutual? I get why you feel threatened, but it seems like it's your issue not theirs. I certainly wouldn't let my DP stop me seeing a friend in these circumstances.

But if you don't trust your DH - and your friend - that's a whole other issue and if it's insurmountable then you probably shouldn't be with either of them.

Well when she comes to visit she seems to exclude you and focus on your DH? Make of that what you will, plus him taking a day’s holiday to spend with her (and you watching on!).

So I’d conclude the friendship has changed. If you only see her once a year and this is how she behaves I’d just put her off and not tell DH why.

Okey, if you felt it was too much, then it propably was.
And having her over, and your husband taking vacation right now at least is not a good idea.

(I’ll still just say that travels and such things could have meant she found it interesting, not him per se and it’s polite to ask how other’s have been. Excluding you wasn’t nice though)

Is your relationship with either one of them in a place where you could ask about it?

I hope things resolve for you, I’m sure this has been shock to your system.

Your husband seems very enamoured with her by what you've written, but I don't understand why you haven't talked to him about it.

I would absolutely be checking his messages and emails. Remember that she could be saved under a male name. Type her number into his phone and see what comes up.

Did you say to your DH you found it odd? What did he say? I don't know why you need to comtemplate speaking to him, why didn't you just ask "why" when he said he wanted to take the time off?

Re your friend is she like this with everyone? Or just your DH? I have a friend who is a bit like this with my DH. I am not even remotely threatened by it, because she's much like that with everyone and I am glad that she and DH get on so well. But that's partly to do with (1) my relationship with her and (2) that she's very friendly with everyone she meets.

If you were ti go to their place on your iwn, do you think her dh would take a day off work to catch up?

I would just text her and say sorry but your busy that weekend, and then phase her out.

When I visit friends, I ask if their husbands will be there. Sometimes I'm disappointed if they're not. And sometimes if they are! Your husband is offering to take time off to a meet someone he considers a friend. Isn't that what people do? Is it really going to affect the amount of annual leave he's going to spend with you and the children? Neither myself nor my husband spend all our annual leave with each other.

Presumably you speak to her regularly/semi regularly? Do you see her outside of these stayovers? When did he last see/speak to her before this incident of her looking at him and speaking to him?

If I hadn't spoken to a particular friend (male or female) for some time, I too would spend a period asking all about how they've been etc and I would position myself so as to be facing them

My "best friend" and my ex have 2 children together... If your spidey senses are trying to tell you something, you'd be wise to listen.

There's nothing wrong with your DH liking your friends and getting on well with them, but to want a day off when she visits would ring alarm bells for me and I'd have to ask why he feels the need to be around when it really should be a girlie day for you and he.

I'd also not be happy that your "friend" perks up when he's there and acts the way she does around him ... to me that's not a friend and I'd be distancing myself from her.

What?

I would say she gets uninvited straight away.

Then you deal with the state of your marriage. You tell him flat out that none of this sort of thing goes on, or the marriage ends.

Yes, exactly, I wouldn't act like that with someone's else's husband, her way of talking to him is too intimate....it's a bit difficult to describe but all her movements are flirty when DH is around; eg just facing him, touching her hair, blushing a little and giggling at some of the things he says. Like she's 16 but she's actually in her 50's.
I do feel stressed at the thought of phasing her out though as she's been a very long standing friend. Also, it can't be complete; we'll definitely see each other again at mutual friends important birthdays or children's weddings.

you and *her

These sound like perfectly reasonable questions to ask in a conversation. It’s not like she asked him how his prostate exam went. If you don’t talk to your friends about your/their jobs, lives, travel plans etc what do you talk about? It’s not a crime that she and your husband get on well.