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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband wants to take time off to meet my friend.....it this reasonable?

307 replies

Suzi69 · 29/09/2022 14:22

Me and my husband have a couple of what I thought were really good old friends. We've been on holiday with them and their kids when the children were younger, and all enjoyed it.
Last holiday though, pre-covid, I wasn't so happy as I felt DH was paying my female friend a lot of attention; I felt a little put out and excluded.
Fast forward a few years and my friend comes to stay the night about once a year; she lives about 5 hours from my house but she makes a bit of a detour on the way back from visiting her parents; I think she goes about an hour and a half out of her way.
This was nice the first couple of times she did it but I noticed that she was eager to check if DH was there first; he wasn't as he travels a lot. So last time he was at home and oh my goodness she was extremely pleased to see him; positioned herself so she was only facing him while chatting, thus excluding me, asked very in-depth questions about how he's been the last couple of years; I felt quite uncomfortable about it, it was too personal and I was not really a part of a lot of it.

Now she plans to come again in a couple of months and DH is contemplating taking a days holiday while she's here!
I feel quite angry about this as I feel that any holiday he plans to take should be spent with me and our children. I feel as if he's poaching my friend. I'm also suspicious about the relationship; it's platonic and he obviously gets on with her but is it really reasonable for my husband to take a days vacation to be with my friend? ( and me, admittedly).
I'm a bit uncertain as to whether I should just drop her as a friend; I don't really want to do this as we've been friends for more than then years. But I don't like the way she's behaving.
I'd appreciate your thoughts before I speak to him.

OP posts:
Beautiful3 · 29/09/2022 16:35

Honestly, I'd feel so uneasy about it. The last thing you want to do, is encourage their "friendship" any further. I'd message her to say, " I'm sorry I have to cancel, because somethings come up." And never, ever agree for her to visit again. It's asking for trouble.

Kennykenkencat · 29/09/2022 16:35

worriedatthistime · 29/09/2022 16:10

@OneTC yes and also comes over a bit controlling
I mean i have those conversations in the office with people and even people i have just met , etc
The OP dh has also known the friend years so maybe he considers her a friend too
OP says she viists once a year and dh isn't always there so last time she visited it may of been 2/3 years before so would be a lot to catch up on

But she didn’t catch up with the person who she had arranged to see.

Or maybe she did

OneTC · 29/09/2022 16:37

Kennykenkencat · 29/09/2022 16:35

But she didn’t catch up with the person who she had arranged to see.

Or maybe she did

Show quote history

The person she's in regular contact with outside of the rare meetings with DH. The person she literally doesn't need to catch up with to the same extent because she talks to her so regularly

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 29/09/2022 16:37

Honestly I think you're nuts.

Why wouldn't he want to take a day off to see one of his friends who he doesn't get to see all that often? My best friend is the opposite sex to me and lives in Belgium. I've taken weeks off and travelled half way across the country to see her when she'd been back in the UK. My DP hasn't raised an eyebrow!

Hell, I took an afternoon off a couple of years back to see a friend of my mothers that I hadn't seen in decades because I was in the area.

You say it's platonic, there's obviously no opportunity for an affair if they're opposite ends of the country, they're not even in touch by phone or social media. You're going to be present the whole time they're together for Gods sake

To be blunt, I think you're jealous that they get on with each other better as friends now than you do with her. The only evidence you've got that anything more is going on is that she's asking questions about his life, which seems like a fairly normal thing to do with a friend you haven't seen in months. Oh, and you think she's flirting, because she's laughing and touching her hair

There's nothing going on here, and you making an issue of it is just going to lose you a friend and make you look like an idiot to your husband

Original poster
Suzi69 · 29/09/2022 16:38

wackamole · 29/09/2022 16:22

This is a bit "devil's advocate" as I generally agree with the "trust your gut" sentiment, but --

Given the shared history, possibly your husband genuinely thinks of her as a family friend rather than as primarily your friend, and is treating her visit as he would if her husband and children came too. In which case it's not AS odd that he'd take a day off (although I saw that you said he rarely can get time off) and it might not occur to him that you would want to spend time alone with her (and vice versa). He also may not be making a conscious distinction between spending a day off with just family vs with family and an old family friend.

On the last visit, if the two of you had already spent some time together before your husband came home, they may both have thought you weren't interested in the conversation because you already knew what each of them had been doing. (Still rude, but maybe not as obviously rude to them as it was to you.) As for the flirting, you say it's uncharacteristic for her but as you're only seeing her once a year now there could be other factors at play (become more flirty in general, feeling insecure and overcompensating, restrains herself when her husband's around, etc.) Still rude, but maybe not targeted specifically at your husband and maybe not as intentional and obvious as it looks.

I do think talking with your husband is the right next step. You should be able to talk with each of them about behaviour that's making you uncomfortable. If they continue AFTER you say you're uncomfortable then I'd clearly fault them for that. It almost sounds like you've been avoiding these conversations when they should have sort of naturally occurred some time ago.

Yes you're right DH does think of her as a family friend; almost part of the family. I really regret getting so close to her and her husband years ago; I see my family as my husband and children and our siblings. I don't want anyone else added to it.
And I agree she talked all night to DH because she hadn't seen him for so long. I felt as if she was very cheeky though; there was a real sense of entitlement over DH; that she had every right to know about every bit of his life. And she was very sympathetic over a couple of difficult positions my husband has been in; "Oh that was so tough for you, I'm so sorry sort of thing."Too close for my comfort.
I should have spoken to DH after the last holiday but was too annoyed.

OP posts:
Samarie123 · 29/09/2022 16:38

Cancel her but don't tell your DH. If he finds out she's been cancelled then you'll know they are in contact. Then do something yourselves as a family. Obviously this could be hard if he starts asking questions about arrival time etc.

I would definitely bin the friendship off though!

Randommother · 29/09/2022 16:38

Do the lady a favour and end your friendship with her. You are massively over thinking this, and trying to paint her as the villain of the piece. reading between the lines it sounds like she’s friends with you both as a couple, having been on holidays together, and is happy to drive 90 mins out of her way, even if it’s just you home. Why wouldn’t your husband want to take the day off when a friend is visiting?

SleeplessInEngland · 29/09/2022 16:39

Depressing thread. Men and women can just be friends, and if you're cancelling this visit for no concrete reason then you're admitting you have serious trust issues.

ExtraOnions · 29/09/2022 16:39

“Flirting” = having a conversation with

if they were having some kind of text affair, she would have no need to ask any questions, as she would already know …

I think this says more about your attitude to other women ….

Maybe, just maybe she was having a conversation

I think walking away from this friendship is the best thing you can do for your “friend” - you don’t trust her, you think she’s trying to steal your husband, and, you think her morals are in the gutter - she very much does not need someone like you in her life

deydododatdodontdeydo · 29/09/2022 16:39

Men and women can be friends with women as long as they're not too friendly it seems.
They've had 20 years to have an affair - clearly they are as much friends now as you and her are.
It seems like she may have acted in a rude way by focussing on him and ignoring you.
She might not do it next time? And he's hardly to blame.
Slimy ratbags? ffs get a grip people.

Onesipmore · 29/09/2022 16:39

@Suzi69 I may have missed this, but what's your Dh's view on this. Does her 'flirt' back or have you told him her behaviour towards him makes you uncomfortable?

deydododatdodontdeydo · 29/09/2022 16:40

Oh and if you "have a word" with your DH be prepared to mess things up between you big time because you're basically telling him you don't trust him.

OneTC · 29/09/2022 16:41

Suzi69 · 29/09/2022 16:38

Yes you're right DH does think of her as a family friend; almost part of the family. I really regret getting so close to her and her husband years ago; I see my family as my husband and children and our siblings. I don't want anyone else added to it.
And I agree she talked all night to DH because she hadn't seen him for so long. I felt as if she was very cheeky though; there was a real sense of entitlement over DH; that she had every right to know about every bit of his life. And she was very sympathetic over a couple of difficult positions my husband has been in; "Oh that was so tough for you, I'm so sorry sort of thing."Too close for my comfort.
I should have spoken to DH after the last holiday but was too annoyed.

Show quote history

Everything you post indicates you're an extremely unreasonable, jealous person

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 29/09/2022 16:42

Why are you dealing with this in such a round about way? Wouldn’t a more direct approach be better. Eg tell you husband you don’t want him to take time off and that you find the behaviour between them odd and concerning (with specific examples).

tell your friend you’d like to catch-up just one on one so your DH won’t be about. Possibly comment on how keen she seems to see him.

I think a lot can be helped by people being assertive and direct:

SleeplessInEngland · 29/09/2022 16:42

The OP is totally prepared to think her husband will cheat and way too many posters are prepared to confirm her unfounded suspisions.

Mumsnet at its worst.

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 29/09/2022 16:42

"I really regret getting so close to her and her husband years ago; I see my family as my husband and children and our siblings. I don't want anyone else added to it."

This is just bizarre

Catapultaway · 29/09/2022 16:42

I don't get it, you call with her and message with her regularly, of course there will be more for her to catch up on with her other friend that she only sees every couple of years.
You sound bonkers.

MoggyMittens23 · 29/09/2022 16:43

Personally I would let it play out!

Choconut · 29/09/2022 16:45

I would ask him straight out why, when he has so little of it, he wants to spend one of his holiday days with your friend?

This whole friendship sounds like it's gone a little odd and it seems like you're trying to hold onto something that probably doesn't exist anymore and just hoping that it will change back. I'd slowly withdraw I think.

BlodynGwyn · 29/09/2022 16:45

It doesn't matter if she has intentions of having an affair with your husband. What matters is she's making you uncomfortable by crossing boundaries. Protect your territory and keep her away from your family.

SleeplessInEngland · 29/09/2022 16:46

BlodynGwyn · 29/09/2022 16:45

It doesn't matter if she has intentions of having an affair with your husband. What matters is she's making you uncomfortable by crossing boundaries. Protect your territory and keep her away from your family.

Or take it as a chance for some introspection and ponder why you have such massive trust issues in your marriage.

But that would be harder, wouldn't it?

OneTC · 29/09/2022 16:47

SleeplessInEngland · 29/09/2022 16:42

The OP is totally prepared to think her husband will cheat and way too many posters are prepared to confirm her unfounded suspisions.

Mumsnet at its worst.

Trust your instincts OP says everyone who clearly can't see a red flag if it's poking them in the eye

Kennykenkencat · 29/09/2022 16:48

Octomore · 29/09/2022 16:16

I agree. I have female friends who will ask my DH about his work, what he's been up to, where he's travelled to lately etc. And I have male friends who I would ask those questions of too.

The questions you've listed are topics that friends discuss, certainly not things that only a wife or a mother should ask about. It's not like she's asking how his vasectomy went!

It's your call, but the fact that your judgement is off on that aspect makes me think you may well be seeing flirting where there is none.

Show quote history

To me that felt like sussing out when and where could their paths cross “on a business trip”

I would cancel her then organise something you and Dh can do together

Tell him that him being able to take a days holiday was too good an opportunity to miss having friend round so you cancelled friend and decided to have a good time with your Dh

OneTC · 29/09/2022 16:50

To me that felt like sussing out when and where could their paths cross “on a business trip”

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SirChenjins · 29/09/2022 16:50

Perhaps there’s a nagging doubt because many of us, as with the OP, agree that our DH’s absolutely have no interest in taking a day’s A/L to spend a day with one of our friends (and certainly likewise here - I have far better things to do with my precious leave). I’m not usually one for this type of suspicion but if my DH did this I would certainly be Confused - and there are no ‘massive trust issues’ here.

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